Conqueror

I know it makes no difference, life will not change because
of a thought that breezed through my mind...
but...
There was never anything wrong with my past relationship
except his inability to be faithful,
and his ability to place the blame for his character
defect on someone else...
because surely, it could not have been his fault.
We laughed, we cried, we shared a true friendship
besides being lovers,
and likely would still be doing so,
if he was not always looking for something
that verified his manhood.
There was never anything
to prove, that was all him.
His need to conquer another vagina, and justify
the performance of his penis,
to bolster his ego.

Alpha male bullshit.

k

Not in Kansas anymore

Short note, it is late, the 12 hr shift as per usual a race from beginning to end. I want you to picture the typical movie tornado, ie: Wizard of Oz. Now, instead of houses and trees and witches flying through the air throw in people, thousands of them. In the center of the vortex, our staff.  That in a weird sort of way is how today and tonight felt. Thankfully I had no wicked witch to deal with, just one arrogant man and more than a few medical calls.

I know I have previously explained my strange huggability,  there was none of that tonight. Instead I must have had a sign on that read " Please whine and beg, it will make me say Yes." Umm..No.  Sorry, that is a big giant No Can Do to the wheedlers who just kept thinking they would be an exception to a State Law tonight.
It seemed everytime I explained policy they thought I meant someone else not them. I know by the time the last wheedler tried I was getting tired of finding new ways to politely say no. Instead out came " I am not going to break the law tonight to allow you in. That's it, sorry.Please leave property. If you try another door you will be trespassing and we will call the police." I know..gee, I am such a hard ass...not. But when you tell someone something they do not want to hear, then to them you do become the green skinned cackler from the West side of Oz..

Telling people things and having them totally ignore you seemed the theme for tonight.

Rest well,
k

Recipe :Fail

Eh...you cannot win every time, and it seems tonight was my night to be unsuccessful...
in cooking dinner, LOL.  The recipe was fine, and might have turned out better except for the singular
lack of chicken, which made it rather soupy. I should have gone with my original idea of just chicken burritos, but the casserole looked impressive and easy.

Note to self:- 3 chicken thighs do NOT equal 3 cups of white meat chicken.
My math was not off, ( overly optimistic maybe) just my pocket book.
If meat were cheaper, this would not have been an issue. Argh.

Better luck to me next time.
k
And that was my meal for the week..I see in my future....hot dogs and
peanut butter and jelly time...oh boy!

Aliens

My favorite movie heroine, Lt. Ellen Ripley.  For courage under attack, for self sacrifice, for being a woman  empowered. Forget the slasher movies, the endless teens against Jason or Freddie, or chain saws. The Alien movies, 1,2,3....gave us our first and so far best female lead, in a franchise that did not just repeat what it previously had made.  She kicked ass, and I root for her to this day.

There were four,  but Alien Resurrection was a bit bizarre, so I am leaving that out of the count. I've watched it, but the first three are by far better. Ha, I have watched Aliens (2) so much I can repeat the dialogue. Don't ask me why, I cannot give you an absolute reason. She inspires me, makes me believe that women can count, can kick ass, and still be at heart female.  I wish they still made movies like this..I am waiting and hoping for another one to come along.

k

Hi Ho the Derry-o

A walking we shall go...well not we, just me. I cannot seem to get Gilligan interested in taking a walk. ( I know exactly how that would play out too..me calling for him as he dashes off after the first scary noise.) Yes, I splurged, me the big spender, on a $20 MP3 player. The ear buds are not very comfortable simply because they are almost the same design and size as my ear bud at work, and frankly my ear needs a break after wearing it for days. But, it will do, and I have download songs from my computer onto my player and I am ready to go.

I had a practice run with the player while doing a small shop at Wally-world today. I was constantly stopping myself from dancing, which brought some weird stares, but know what? It was probably the most enjoyable food shop I have ever had as it tuned everyone out..store noises, screaming babies, announcements. I also wore it doing my oh so favorite job of laundry, and did dance in the laundry room, LOL! Oh well, so I am viewed as the mildly strange women in the fourth apartment, I can live with that.

It looks to be a decent day tomorrow, so I am planning a walk around the neighborhood outside the apartment complex. My only concern is West Virginia drivers, and that is a legitimate concern. (This is the only state I have ever lived in where drivers seem to think that when making a left turn they have the right of way, and that red means go fast and run it.  Mostly I believe they are just very inattentive.) The weather is very mild for February..still. It really does feel like the year without winter. I wonder if we will bypass spring and go right to summer as well.

If  tomorrow you see a woman walking with a spring in her step and mouthing words to a song, that would be me. I may be out of practice in fast walking, but thanks to my job my legs are pretty much in very good shape. I'd like to be able to tell the doctor (with the one track request) that I am at last getting decent cardiovascular exercise. I may only see him once a year, but he tells me the same thing each time.
I know from past experience that exercise will increase the energy I feel and not decrease..and hopefully allow decent sleep too.

good nite all,
kel
Tired of hibernating in the apartment.. :-)

It's all a matter of opinion

Yeah, it is all a matter of opinion. We all have one, and even if we disagree with another's point of view, they do have the right to have their own. I stopped for a few minutes after my work day (that kicked my ass) and read over an old entry, remembering why I felt I had to edit it, to explain my point of view to someone else.
And I found myself wondering why I was compelled by someone else's disagreement of my views, to explain "why" I originally wrote what I had.

You know, I'm old enough and have put in enough time on the planet, to not have explain my anything to someone else. I do not believe I shall do that again. It has happened more than a few times here and on my closed blog Souly Speaking. Agree or disagree, this particular and very small blog is not even a speck compared to the information shared on the internet.  A great deal that is offered to billions of readers is rarely an absolute fact . The writer has license to express themselves, and other chose to read it.

No one co-authors my blog entries. I may not be the most interesting, or"the thing" of the moment, but it is all mine. In some respects it is a public diary. (and no, I won't talk about everything here.)  If I wrote it down with pen on pages kept in my room I would not suddenly decide to delete or edit entries for someone else, so I don't believe I shall let that occur here again either.  I am pretty sure, to most who actually follow my entries, that I had reasons for what I previously entered. Justifying my stand is something that I should not have felt obligated to do.

And...I have come a long way between the 3 blogs. Not bottling things up was my way of not internalizing and burying my feelings, and today I am healthier for it. It is unfortunate that Gilly can not give feedback or I may have worked things out differently. But when you are alone, there is no way to share and release..other than what I have done here. My  Friends would likely prefer to not answer a 3am question about life as it circles my brain for the 4th time.

g'nite,
k

Weekend Thoughts

Well, let me see..hmmm... I've had quite an exciting day so far. Apartment re-certification (and all the paperwork that accompanies it); Dollar Store and Walmart pit stops for various sundries, mostly frozen pizza, ground sausage and salad fixings. (yes..I am still on that kick) Came home to start laundry, and decided to clean the stove, 1/2 done...the oven portion awaits. The typical weekly cleaning also awaits, with loud and getting louder requests from Gilligan for dinner and a clean box.

My day started with the (it seems) monthly apartment inspection, for which this time, I did Not get out of bed. I am getting sort of fed up with the fake spraying, and having to empty out from under my sinks on a monthly basis. So yes, I stayed in my bed when they came in to do their thing. I guess I shall have to tolerate that for another year, at the least.

As you can see, I am quite the jet setter. Who knows what tomorrow shall bring, lol. I am starting two countdowns...one for Mel's next visit, and one for going to see my Dad. That does give me things to look forward to.

I'm also thinking about new glasses, it has been over 2 years now.  Window shopped flower bulbs..and decided to wait, the budget is not there for them..lol..and I am talking about maybe $10. Hoping there will be no problems with the re-cert. Moving right now is not an option. Maybe next year after the car is paid off.
That will give me a little leeway. And who knows what this coming year will bring, maybe a chance at a salary that I can grow with.

Don't hate me because of my exciting life...Lol...
k

Valentine Wishes

To everyone out there with someone special in your lives, be they lovers or just very good friends,
I wish you a Happy Valentine's day. Me? I am just grateful that time has gone by. The songs that made me teary last year just make me sarcastic this year, and that is a good thing. I am not bemoaning the lack of a sweet heart..it's ok, it does not hurt anymore. Better without then with if there can be no trust.

Hugs,
k

Kick yur' Butt Weekend

Flattened, bruised, shiny hiney.....that is what is left over after a Saturday night doing a 12 hour shift at work. Sunday comes rolling around..it's very hard to wake up, I almost always sleep through my alarm, and then have to hustle to get out of the apartment on time to get to work. I have the energy to get through the 12 hours without a problem. It is fortunately my first day of the week (this week not so..worked extra Friday) and that helps with the demands of a very busy, and seems to get busier each Saturday night. But falling asleep after all that adrenalin rush is hard to do, and that is what gets me in the mornings.

Live racing was called due to the extreme cold, so everyone normally on that side came over to the Tables and Slots side. A great deal of people milling around, impossible to move through a crowd without a million " excuse me's."  If you Do know anything about me, you'd know that in my past I avoided crowds like this if I had a choice. (it's not my bag) However, these days that is impossible since it is my job and not an excursion for fun with friends.  Bring that many folks together and mix 'em all up, and you have a great deal of work for security all at one time. Medicals, intoxication, altercations, cheaters..you name it. It seems beefing up the staff only helps so far. When every single supervisor or manager is on a call and they still keep coming in, then you know you are out numbered.

Our wagons in a circle, arrows flying, guns a popping..that is what it feels like. It is a rapid fire night from beginning to end, never a dull moment..for the most part I do enjoy that. I just wish the energy extended into Sunday. Vitamins, orange juice, etc., only get you so far. Have a good week all.

hugs,
k

Where has my mind gone?

  It's a putzing kind of day, doing some chores, watching the snowfall (not as much as I would have liked) and making vegetable beef soup. I figured something warm tasty and full of vitamins would not be a bad idea to aid to the booting of this cold out of me.  No recipes from me this time, I sort of just added lots of veggies, beef, and whatever into a pot. ( now I cannot find my other shoe..hmmm..where did it go?)

I have some silly song from the 80's stuck in my head, and I think my congestion is keeping it stuck. So I am time warped into big hair, bigger shoulder pads, weird eye makeup..and lots of memories from that time in my life, my early 20's. Personally, I think it was a great time to be young. Unlike the angsty ballads mass marketed today, music seemed a great deal more original, bands actually sounded different from each other. And music videos were new and fun to watch. I have not peeped at M-TV for years, not since they went rap and started the ridiculous realty shows that television also mass marketed. It seems today if you have one good thing then there must be 50 more just like it to fill the dead air space and brain wash the general public.

What song? Journey, Separate Ways. Why? I guess when I re-watched TRON the other night it came in and decided to stay., lmao. I had a funny thought...older folks tend to go back to their golden years when they were young, I remember Grandparents who listened to Glenn Miller, the big bands, mushy songs from the 40's and 50's. My imagination pictures a retirement home in vivid pastels, loud music playing the hair bands, Bowie, Journey, The Talking Heads...yeah buddy...if I have to get old I want a Rockin' Retirement home, LOL! I can see us old farts dancing in the hallway, old men trying to look like Don Johnson from Miami Vice, gracefully older ladies decked out in outfits from Fame. Skipping down the halls to "Girl's Just Wanna have fun."  If I gotta go..please make it colorful, fun and something that brings back lots of happy memories. I'll probably get caught doing something illegal in the broom closet.

Well..that was a small glimpse into my wild imagination and Tussi-DM affected vibe. Hope you are having a great day. (I don't care Mel..if I could go back, I would. Maybe you have better memories than I do..I'd like a chance to make more.)

hugs, k
Journey " Separate Ways"

                                                  We did have fun...thank you Cyndi Lauper!

Feeling a bit Punky

Home a few hours earlier than normal, feeling a bit on the punky side. You know, when a cold or flu is just starting and as it starts making itself known your body is sending signals of "Yuck" to your brain. It feels like a chest cold but I do have some body aches waking up. I am torn between laying down to sleep way too early, or forcing myself to stay up. I know I was contagious today, but these days I just cannot call out as I used to. Two reasons: Points against me at work-I am at zero and I want to stay that way- and I cannot afford it. Any overtime went bye-bye with the cooties. I am already lined up for Over time next week, so I should be ok.

Walking into the house a few hours earlier..and I did Not catch Gilly having a wild party..on the contrary, his internal clock is set for when I normally arrive, so it was a very sleepy eyed cat who said hello. ( I hope this makes up for working till 3am last night..lol..I am always in the dog house each Saturday, and Yes, he really  does get mad at me.)

Back to work to hack and blow tomorrow, should be a blast. Don't you wish they had finally invented a cure for the common cold? I'd send hugs, but I don't wanna share my germs..G'nite.

k

A vacation?? Yahooo!!!

It looks like I might be able to get away for the first time in years to visit my Dad in May. I am really looking forward to seeing him, it has been since before the 'Great Dumping' that we last visited, and that was here for just a day of two.
 Colorado is beautiful, but very different in it's beauty from here on the East coast. The mountains here, though wooded and naturally breath taking, seem like bumps compared to the Rockies. I have been out to see him a total of 3 times in the past 20 years, and each time we drove to Estes State Park for the glorious views, and a chance to see snow at the elevations while it is 70 degrees at his home. One of his favorite stomping grounds is Steamboat Springs, and hopefully I will get a chance to see that on this trip.
  On one visit we drove to the southwestern part of Colorado and took in Pagosa Springs and Durango. We took the Duango/Silverton railroad, which was a 3 hrs one way trip up into the mountains to reach Silverton. The town has no paved roads and is basically for tourists, but I liked the way they have preserved the flavor of the Old West.  We did get covered in coal dust from the engine, but it was worth it.
  I've also been to Blackhawk, the western themed gambling town in northern Colorado. Gambling is not my Dad's favorite past time, so it was just a brief visit, but interesting. Penn National does have a casino there now, and if possible I would like to visit to check it out, to see how different it is from here.
   And I just got off the phone with Dad...tickets should be taken care of in the next week or so. I hope that no one attempts to get me to change my vacation times, that is not going to happen. Have a good day all.

hugs, k

Thank Goodness

Thank goodness! My Friday arrived just in the nick of time...grouch mode was starting to show it's growling visage.  I asked a couple of times tonight it we were allowed to bop someone for being 'less than intelligent' ( PC for being an idiot) on the head. Sadly, they answer was no...sigh. They went and spoiled my perfect solution to repair stupidity...hahah. ( similar to whacking a piece of faulty equipment with a hammer..the extent of my mechanical ability.)

Nothing much than the usual lined up for my weekend. A few phone calls, bills to pay, cleaning, laundry etc.
I really am past ready to do something else on my days off. For quite a long time I was either in class on a day off, or working, and that killed some of the doldrums. If this warm weather keeps up my internal clock will ring loud enough for me to be thinking of planting flowers..and you know that's not right for February. It did cross my mind as I reached the front door tonight. I might need to be restrained from grabbing my spade and digging.

I thought Gil would get a kick out of the open window tonight, but after a few minutes he is back to snoozing.
Might mess around with a new recipe for pork. I know I have things that need to be sewed..argh..not my favorite chore. And..I really wish I had an MP3 player for walking. I used to use a walkman...lol..so you know how long ago that was. Portable CD players skip and jump while marching around the neighborhood. I doubt I can afford the player right now..even a cheap take off. I really would like to get back into walking for exercise on my days off, melt off a few winter pounds. But I have to say I really do prefer to walk to music, it is a great motivator and it helps me keep up the speed.

Have a good week...
kel