I have been living alone with just my cat Gilligan since March 30, 2011. I have considered a few times, since that day, looking for another man/lover/partner. Now, starting my 3rd year here, I no longer entertain the idea of a soul mate, or a man to share time with. Am I gay? No. What I am is comfortable in my own skin, happy with my quiet privacy, and understanding that I am already complete. I am not looking for a relationship, nor cruising dating sites. I don't need another man in my life, and I don't want one either.
Being a wife (for me) meant being a real partner. One who shares the care for the home, and does the things the man did not have time to do.. Why? So time off for him meant time spent with me.What did I do? Grocery shopping, house cleaning and laundry, budgets and bills, and most of the cooking. I'm not sure if marriage or a permanent relationship made the men unable to take care of themselves, but I guess it was me who felt it was the right thing to do, and that set my role in the relationship. (besides, I cannot abide sloth) Could I have demanded more help? Yes, I likely could have but then I would have felt guilty since I was the one with more time off.
I hope to someday share a place together with a "friend." Why? Because we enjoy each others company; we make each other laugh; and we understand what the other has been through because we listen and care. I also know that they will pull their own load because they have been where I was. I like being 54, age is not an issue for me, only for others who either judge me by my numbers, or are themselves afraid of the golden years. Instead of appreciating what time has given us they are afraid of what might happen. I take each day as a miracle. I have had moments of bad health, but they were taken care of. We do not know what tomorrow will bring, but I would rather not dwell on the bad 'what-ifs,' And instead look forward to the "oh Wow's!"
I do not look for, think of, or search for either of those two men. They have their own lives, and I have mine.
It is true that it was a very bad time in my life after the last relationship ended. It did take me a while to let go. I wrote to release my anger and depression. I write now because I am sharing what I am thinking about, either at work, with the world, or my own family and history. If on some 'rare' occasion they should stop by my blog they should remember two things: Check the dates that something was written and understand that then is not now. 2) I have my own way of saying things, my own sense of humor, and I do not write to please anyone else but myself. Hence, if I feel something should be said I say it with no target audience in mind.
K**~
