What will be, will be

I have sheltered here, basically alone (except for Gilly) since March 2011. I feel that the time has come for a change. Time to stretch my wings and soar in different skies. Find new places, new faces, and new beginnings. What I had hoped for and dreamed of, is not going to happen here. So rather than waiting for something else endlessly, I am making the decision to be some where else. There is no guarantee that starting over will be my answer but it beats standing in one place and never making a positive change.

I have toiled and enjoyed working with some great people at the casino. But I have never felt 'right' about working for a profession that is all about greed and false hopes. It's not that I object to gambling myself, but the business is centered around the hope to hit it big. 98% of the people who enter with their dreams go home poorer and no wiser. It is entertainment, but is it moral? To exist only to feed on someone's hopes of hitting the big jackpot"?

So in a few short months I will venture further a field and strive for something that completes me. A life style that encompasses all, and not just work. Family, church, new friends..and sharing time together. I am tired of nothing but work and home. There has to be more. More joy, more laughter. And the location, with all it;s natural beauty is satisfaction enough.

I will say more at a later date.

K

Just a note for M

I don't really know how to say what needs to be said. On one hand I fear that I will say the wrong thing and push someone I care about away. Then there is my heart, which does at times feel like a nag that keeps messing with my head. But I will carefully try to let this out without damaging our friendship.

I am not going to say much...just what has been with me for several weeks now. Each day at work seems harder to get through and remain positive. It feels like an endless onslaught from the moment of arrival to the second you finally get to leave for the night. It's a whirlwind from start to finish and You know that it is important that I keep my spirits up and positive. Not only does it affect me, but it also is shared with the people working hard right by my side. We don't have the staff to take on these days of siege, with not enough officers it's the managing crew who have to run to cover what they cannot, and still cover what is required for our jobs. Still waiting for new staff to help us out. If they ever arrive then things will improve.

This keeps me busy most of the time. But when I am finally home my brain feels free to fire up the cells and keep a constant thought in my head. My thought? I wish that things would have turned out differently.
In my heart I know that you and I would have had a blast living together. Not just existing but enjoying life.
When you finally told me how you felt..and I had the vibes for quite some time...it was no surprise to me,  but I am so disappointed and sorry that it turned out this way. I understand wanting to be close to family. But quite a few of your reasons stemmed out of fear, and that breaks my heart. I have never in all the years of our friendship seen you from this prospective and I hurt for you. You should not have to be afraid of change. If we all stayed stationary we would be spectators to life. "I cannot do this because something bad might happen."

I've had change forced upon me, and change that I demanded for myself. Neither time was particularly easy but I did survive to tell the tale. The future I saw for us, after the first months of trial were over with, was fun.
It was laughter and support, taking and giving. A duo of Golden Girls. I know that you too have had change forced upon you..and you survived and are happier for it. So why now? Please don't become the little ol'lady who worries about everything..please don't. Don't be afraid of the "what-ifs.' Woman, you had 1 health scare. I have had 4 and I am not afraid of what 'might' happen.

I am moving forward because I have to. Though I love my Dad, the future out there is no guarantee of happiness. Neither is staying here waiting for something wonderful to happen. It's not the future that I have seen and dreamed about since 2011. But I will take the leap of faith that I will find peace. My biggest worry is being left alone out there after years have passed by. Lord knows that I am old enough to figure it out eventually, and smart enough too. Yet still I wish for what could have been.

You know I love you,
K