Grinch Mode

I know one person, who will read what I have written here tonight, and think to themselves "yeah, now you know how I felt."

Christmas. No matter how low and poor I felt in the past I forced myself to get up, decorate, participate and celebrate. I guess I have reached the point where I cannot find it in me to
decorate, and celebrate. I will participate because otherwise I will put a damper on others who
are in tune and want to celebrate the season.

I will send out my usual Christmas cards, which for the most part, I almost never receive one
from those I send them to. Why do I continue? To hopefully keep some kind of connection to
those people. I am not a great telephone person. My Mother, bless her heart, could not stay off the phone. Hours and hours she spoke to friends and family. Me? I don't call anyone unless I am
backed into a corner and promise to call. I don't know why. I will text and message. But calling is harder..afraid of how I may sound? Did I say the wrong thing? Christ.

So this year I am not dragging out my Christmas collection to spruce up my room. It will still be there next year, hopefully I will be in a better place emotionally then. Celebrating? I have no social life. I only get people to out with me if I stand there and plead. No one thinks "OH! Let's ask Kelly if she wants to go." Colorado is not VA, it is not WVA, or MD. In any of those places I had friends who enjoyed my company and wanted me there. Colorado is not those places. I've found it almost impossible to make friends here. I try. I try to connect with co-workers, and there are a few who
I do consider my friends, but it is not the same. If I have to beg it is not the same.

So my celebrating will be on Christmas Eve at church. And I will make a nice Christmas breakfast
and help with dinner. I will exchange gifts at home. And my heart will not be in tune to the season.
I used to be " Just do it!" "If you start it will get better, and you will find that Christmas Joy."
I swear I had to drag the ex-asshole into Christmas in hopes that his being down would not kill the holiday for me and anyone in the house. Every year he was in mourning. My other ex was the same. I know that losing a mother is horrific. I have been through that. But somehow you have to move on.

This year is MY exception. I am losing my mother's brother to Stage 4 liver and colon cancer. It feels like I am losing her all over again because he was there for her. So this will be the Christmas that wasn't. I will deal with the grief and the depression, and hopefully next year will find me being in a better place emotionally and physically.

The decorating Queen is now off duty.

Bah Humbug.
Kel


Addendum: Uncle Bill passed away peacefully at 1 AM Dec.7, 2016.  I will always miss him. I hope that he is with his family that was waiting in heaven for him.

Kelly's Go fund me page

Where are the search planes?

I don't think that I ever felt so alone in my life. Perhaps it is because my 2 main moral supporters have left me. Quietly tip toed away. Slowly stopped being there, they feel like ghosts to me now.
It is sadly amazing that I have had so many friends, good ones  in my past, and now I feel like that speck in the middle of a desert, impossible to find..easily over looked, the search planes fly by without finding me.  All have moved on and here I sit on the side of sand dune, sifting the grains between my fingers, knowing my making stupid decisions has left me where I am.

There is no worse feeling than being unwanted. It leaves you wondering about the why's? or whens? What did I do?

I know that my blog has shifted into what seems a pity party just for me. Maybe that is true. But then I write it here because it needs to come out. My repressing stress and trying to battle through it alone, ignoring it, has yet again caused my body to tell me loudly that it is not right to not let go of it. Better to yell, scream, holler or cry then to keep moving without letting it out.

This "Shingles"..argh. If you have had the chicken pox the virus lies dormant, waiting for the just the right moment to come back to life. The PA told me it was stress. I had thought I had torn a muscle hauling a heavy vacuum up and down the stairs. It started off feeling like bee stings in my muscles...and then it really started to hurt. So, even though I felt I was being a big baby I went to see what they could do for my aching. It took the PA not more than a brief moment of listening to what I described as bee stings, deep itching down in the muscles and then pain. He said "Oh Kel, I am afraid that you have shingles. Yep there is the rash, want to see? You are not being weak when you describe your pain, it is very real, and I think that you have been pretty strong."

Prescribing, advising, the appointment continued..he said he needed to see me next week..because we needed a follow up and to discuss my depression. I had not said a word about that, maybe he could just sense it, like that cloak of invisibility, hovering, and trying to hide it.Or maybe he is perfect at his job observing and perceiving what is up with his patients. I am truly grateful that he was the one I saw that day.

I know that you can not tell by what I have written here, but I try very hard to have hope and to see the beauty around me. Because my future is scary I have the same tendency I always have to wish for something wonderful to happen., but sending off negative vibes with my sarcastic mouth. Though I know that I am loved, I still feel like a burden, and one that they want to leave. I know that this move into their home was not supposed to be permanent. It was a bleak revelation discovering that Colorado does not have affordable housing.

Everytime we go out together, somehow my leaving is introduced into the conversation, like I might have forgotten about it..and that is not possible.Even going out for a birthday dinner, it was brought up. I quietly asked if we could not talk about this tonight. This constant reminder feels like emotional torture. It colors whatever is left of the evening. I hope that was not the intention, but that is how it feels to me. I know when I am supposed to leave by. I just don't know where I will end up, and how I will pay for it. I do not forget about something this big. That is my big scary, that and not having a support system anymore. Not money..emotional support. Not that I want to, but perhaps I should just stay home, stay out of the way as much as I can until I have the answer, avoid the question. Something will happen, I am trying as hard as I can, The stress is coming from multiple directions, not just the relocating. Working as much OT as I can to try and save money is physically stressful, I am no longer 30,35, 40. With no time off, no vacations, my body threw on the brakes, as it has done in other ways in my past.

The answer I thought of more than a few times tonight was not healthy, and I know it. So I will see the PA, and I will accept his help for this damn depression. And I will gladly accept a guardian angels help as well. I know he is out there, we have met before, very briefly, but he had a profound effect on me at that time. He had long hair, a beard and wore army fatigues, probably a Vet. It would be very nice to speak with him again.

Kel

Go fund Me-- for Kelly

Any help would be greatly appreciated, thank you.

A Bigger Bite

   My situation has not changed much. I tried to get a job that would have somewhat solved
my pending homelessness. Unfortunately they felt I was too old for a 'Career' and denied me a second
interview. I have not given up hope of finding a better job. It's really hard going for several years with
absolutely no time off. I do not have the money to do anything anyway.

No going to movies, no restaurants, no professional hair cuts (that's me in the mirror trying to evenly trim my bangs) Last time I paid to have someone cut my hair was before Thanksgiving in 2015, so it's getting long again. No shopping for new clothes. The only way I sometimes treat myself is buying a used book or two.

A Friend of mine, a couple of months ago, created a Go Fund Me page for me. I hate to post this,it is a definite beg, and I know that there are others less fortunate than I. But I know, despite the over-time, that I will not be ready on the set deadline of April 1 to move into an apartment.

I'm searching for, (unsuccessfully) some charitable institution that will help get me into an affordable
place. Not giving up..but with me paying for health insurance they do not see me as in need.

 I'm now checking into disability assistance. Why? Because I have Glaucoma.(it's back) Recent tests show that it is now in my good eye, the right one. Perhaps it is the Diabetes that makes it so easy to come back. Freak me out? Yes it does. I have no idea how I could go on living without sight. Everything that makes me happy is because I can see it. The surgery is $100 out of pocket..and as you might guess, it is on hold, as are the holidays this year. As much as I enjoy giving to friends and family, Santa is taking some time off.

So, If you are visiting, and can afford to send some help, your generosity would be hugely
appreciated. I won't be posting a blog like this again, it's a real downer and does nothing for my pride.
I thought that it wouldn't hurt to ask...but it really does.

Kelly's Go Fund Me Page


Love,
Kel

The Big Pickle..

Most of you have heard the expression " In a Pickle" meaning you have a problem that is hard to
solve. For fear of being misconstrued, or upsetting good people, I am not going into great detail. Suffice it to say that my future, once again, is up in the air.

 Colorado is a very expensive place to live if you are not making the big bucks, and of course, I am not. It scares me to think that other places I have lived have also doubled in the cost of rent. It's like this country wants to eliminate the working poor. Let's not provide affordable housing..they should work 3 jobs to get by. Oh and let's get rid of food stamps and Medicaid., take away their Social Security. ( no medicaid or SS for me yet, I have a few years to go.) They don't need shelter, food or medicine. I  wonder just 'Who?' do they think is cleaning their offices, flipping their burgers, and generally doing something that is a service? The working poor, and WE need a place to live too.

I have thought of returning to the East coast. Unfortunately that means a fair amount of money just to get there. Then there is the fact that I will have to find work again and a reasonable place to live.
So I am frankly, a bit scared of what will happen to me. It has crossed my mind that my last down sizing will not be to a good place. There is no guarantee that moving that far will be the answer either.

So I am saying prayers daily and searching for a way to survive this next stage in my life. The eight ball says " your future is cloudy," but I'd rather have it be something wonderful. I think it is past time for 'something wonderful.' I've paid my dues to Karma, she needs to back off my butt and let me have a decent future, and someone to share it with would be awesome. I'm tired of being alone, it's been 5 years now.


~Kel

In other news the garden is doing great. I must have picked 5 lbs of Bush beans today.
We are going to be swimming in tomatoes in August, and my peppers are doing very well.
Yes, my thumb is literally green..from pulling weeds..lol.

Yeah..Summer..

I think I would be a bit more enthusiastic about summer if there was any recreation included for me.
I work in polyester in 90+ degrees, and frankly after almost 8 years doing so as a security officer
you think I would be used to it..Not.

So I keep busy and I sweat..well as Grand Mom always said "Horses sweat, Ladies perspire."
Hinting that there must be some sensual glow instead of streams of sweat dripping down my face and neck. It makes no difference to my hair these days which is truly salt and pepper, I have not colored it for years now. Grew it long, chopped it, and it's getting longer again..why? Yes, you know..haircuts cost money. Professional coloring costs money not just once, but to keep it up I will truly need a rich benefactor. So, I am natural, though not by choice.

The gardens are in, still adding some here and there. Over 20 bush beans planted. There are 4 tomatoes, however 2 are not going so well, not sure why they thrived there last year. I have 3 pepper plants doing nicely and 3 small ones started from seed which are coming along.Herbs: Rosemary, Sage, Thyme, Basil, Dill, Parsley, Marjoram, all doing well, though the Dill had to be replaced, did that today. I had tried to start from seed and that was precarious. Why? Because the starter sat on my only window facing east which both cats like to sit in. I think the plants needed more time, and were not hardy enough to go in the ground, though the peppers and basil are hanging in there. That is the first box and the half moon rock garden.

The middle box was mostly my father's choices. He choose Pumpkin. Canteloup, Egg Plant, and Cucumber. I have added Yellow Squash and a Zucchini. The Egg Plant is not doing so well, another one failing for an unknown reason. Dad is trying a new thing this year because the weeds got so out of hand last year I had no time to anything else in the yard but weed. Ground paper rolled with mulch over top. My only regret is that he got started before I could properly prepare the middle box. It really needed some Ummph, the soil was not as good as the first box. Crossing fingers.

The 3rd box is planted with flowers, though not too many so far. Two purple salvias 2 rose bushes from previous year, 2 Daisies and 2 Geraniums. I snuck 3 of my seed broccoli in there, but I fear it is far too hot this summer for they to do well. We have 3-4 weeks of straight 90's aligned for us. UGH.
Seems like there might be a few 80 degree days..in July of all things. Nevermind, I will be grateful.

So it is work, with as much over time as I can handle to pay for things that the budget does not allow for..like vehicle registration, oil change, tire rotation, replace my cell phone that died, and eye surgery. Yep, my Glaucoma has come back in my left eye. It was soooo much fun the first time needle, lasers and bears..oh my. The rest of my days are work at home. No swimming pools, no parties, no movies..not even a new damn book.

So if I seem a little cranky? There are 4 dogs that are constantly running up and down the stairs barking frantically at the top of their volume..24/7. So sleep? Not so much.  And it's getting to me almost as much as Hugo's big feet used to.

See ya,
kel

A Dreamscape

Last night I walked through a dreamscape unlike any other I have visited. I was walking, sometimes riding as a passenger in an old beat up diesel truck. The land around me had a bombed out barren feel, flat, no green to be seen, no matter which horizon I focused on. It felt like the aftermath of something terrible, something that had happened, but not recent. I caught a view of myself, and the face and self I saw was not the face I knew was mine.

Now, I am no raving beauty, but you can see my Swiss ancestry in my facial bones, I guess attractive is as close as I would admit to being, unless I am in the throes of passion, but that is another story.
The woman who looked back at me was shorter, darker hair cut short, dark eyes, round face, and she seemed potato pudgey. She was also extremely determined to find a person, a man, that she was following.

Was it love? I'm not sure, but she was stubborn and tough and needed to see this person.

Off the truck and approaching what must have been a bombed out town. I could see in the far distance smoke, as in a lot of things burning far away. This person I was saw a young girl who was alone, maybe 9 or 10 and naturally approached her and took her by the hand to walk with me. Something was happening, we needed to take shelter and headed to the broken remains of what must have once been a highway overpass. As we approached an unknown man burst out from the shadows and snatched the girl from me, I followed and fought, hard. The girl and I left, not sure what kind of mess I left that man in.

Scene turned again, I had found the man I had been looking for, someone I knew, someone I might have grown up with. As I silently studied his face I saw no love, no pity in his eyes, he was frankly dismissive. I was not prepared to give up, and as he drove away I followed, the girl at my side. Walking through dust towards that burning horizon.

So, that was the dream. When I woke the name "Neds' was in my head. Picking up my phone I googled Neds.  It turns out that Neds is a store in Australia, and Ned's Harbour in a town near Adelaide. I have never been to Australia, and I am not familiar with any of the smaller towns.
It really struck me as odd this dream. Was it in the past? Was it the future? And how did I know Ned's Harbour?

You have to wonder.

Kel

Cannot say much

I cannot say much, this is a public blog, but I sure wish things would get
better. I feel as though debt will always follow me, and staying positive
is taking all I have right now. Picture me banging my head against a figurative
wall. it does not change a thing.

Going to try and quit smoking for the 2nd time in a year. It's not
affordable, and everyone in my family wants me to quit. Emailed
the doctor for a new round of patches.

Other than that I am hanging on by my fingertips and praying that
something good will happen soon. I'm not a bad person, but I guess
that I am a bad judge of character or I would not be in this mess.

Wish me luck,

Kel