I don't think that I ever felt so alone in my life. Perhaps it is because my 2 main moral supporters have left me. Quietly tip toed away. Slowly stopped being there, they feel like ghosts to me now.
It is sadly amazing that I have had so many friends, good ones in my past, and now I feel like that speck in the middle of a desert, impossible to find..easily over looked, the search planes fly by without finding me. All have moved on and here I sit on the side of sand dune, sifting the grains between my fingers, knowing my making stupid decisions has left me where I am.
There is no worse feeling than being unwanted. It leaves you wondering about the why's? or whens? What did I do?
I know that my blog has shifted into what seems a pity party just for me. Maybe that is true. But then I write it here because it needs to come out. My repressing stress and trying to battle through it alone, ignoring it, has yet again caused my body to tell me loudly that it is not right to not let go of it. Better to yell, scream, holler or cry then to keep moving without letting it out.
This "Shingles"..argh. If you have had the chicken pox the virus lies dormant, waiting for the just the right moment to come back to life. The PA told me it was stress. I had thought I had torn a muscle hauling a heavy vacuum up and down the stairs. It started off feeling like bee stings in my muscles...and then it really started to hurt. So, even though I felt I was being a big baby I went to see what they could do for my aching. It took the PA not more than a brief moment of listening to what I described as bee stings, deep itching down in the muscles and then pain. He said "Oh Kel, I am afraid that you have shingles. Yep there is the rash, want to see? You are not being weak when you describe your pain, it is very real, and I think that you have been pretty strong."
Prescribing, advising, the appointment continued..he said he needed to see me next week..because we needed a follow up and to discuss my depression. I had not said a word about that, maybe he could just sense it, like that cloak of invisibility, hovering, and trying to hide it.Or maybe he is perfect at his job observing and perceiving what is up with his patients. I am truly grateful that he was the one I saw that day.
I know that you can not tell by what I have written here, but I try very hard to have hope and to see the beauty around me. Because my future is scary I have the same tendency I always have to wish for something wonderful to happen., but sending off negative vibes with my sarcastic mouth. Though I know that I am loved, I still feel like a burden, and one that they want to leave. I know that this move into their home was not supposed to be permanent. It was a bleak revelation discovering that Colorado does not have affordable housing.
Everytime we go out together, somehow my leaving is introduced into the conversation, like I might have forgotten about it..and that is not possible.Even going out for a birthday dinner, it was brought up. I quietly asked if we could not talk about this tonight. This constant reminder feels like emotional torture. It colors whatever is left of the evening. I hope that was not the intention, but that is how it feels to me. I know when I am supposed to leave by. I just don't know where I will end up, and how I will pay for it. I do not forget about something this big. That is my big scary, that and not having a support system anymore. Not money..emotional support. Not that I want to, but perhaps I should just stay home, stay out of the way as much as I can until I have the answer, avoid the question. Something will happen, I am trying as hard as I can, The stress is coming from multiple directions, not just the relocating. Working as much OT as I can to try and save money is physically stressful, I am no longer 30,35, 40. With no time off, no vacations, my body threw on the brakes, as it has done in other ways in my past.
The answer I thought of more than a few times tonight was not healthy, and I know it. So I will see the PA, and I will accept his help for this damn depression. And I will gladly accept a guardian angels help as well. I know he is out there, we have met before, very briefly, but he had a profound effect on me at that time. He had long hair, a beard and wore army fatigues, probably a Vet. It would be very nice to speak with him again.
Kel
Go fund Me-- for Kelly
Any help would be greatly appreciated, thank you.
It is sadly amazing that I have had so many friends, good ones in my past, and now I feel like that speck in the middle of a desert, impossible to find..easily over looked, the search planes fly by without finding me. All have moved on and here I sit on the side of sand dune, sifting the grains between my fingers, knowing my making stupid decisions has left me where I am.
There is no worse feeling than being unwanted. It leaves you wondering about the why's? or whens? What did I do?
I know that my blog has shifted into what seems a pity party just for me. Maybe that is true. But then I write it here because it needs to come out. My repressing stress and trying to battle through it alone, ignoring it, has yet again caused my body to tell me loudly that it is not right to not let go of it. Better to yell, scream, holler or cry then to keep moving without letting it out.
This "Shingles"..argh. If you have had the chicken pox the virus lies dormant, waiting for the just the right moment to come back to life. The PA told me it was stress. I had thought I had torn a muscle hauling a heavy vacuum up and down the stairs. It started off feeling like bee stings in my muscles...and then it really started to hurt. So, even though I felt I was being a big baby I went to see what they could do for my aching. It took the PA not more than a brief moment of listening to what I described as bee stings, deep itching down in the muscles and then pain. He said "Oh Kel, I am afraid that you have shingles. Yep there is the rash, want to see? You are not being weak when you describe your pain, it is very real, and I think that you have been pretty strong."
Prescribing, advising, the appointment continued..he said he needed to see me next week..because we needed a follow up and to discuss my depression. I had not said a word about that, maybe he could just sense it, like that cloak of invisibility, hovering, and trying to hide it.Or maybe he is perfect at his job observing and perceiving what is up with his patients. I am truly grateful that he was the one I saw that day.
I know that you can not tell by what I have written here, but I try very hard to have hope and to see the beauty around me. Because my future is scary I have the same tendency I always have to wish for something wonderful to happen., but sending off negative vibes with my sarcastic mouth. Though I know that I am loved, I still feel like a burden, and one that they want to leave. I know that this move into their home was not supposed to be permanent. It was a bleak revelation discovering that Colorado does not have affordable housing.
Everytime we go out together, somehow my leaving is introduced into the conversation, like I might have forgotten about it..and that is not possible.Even going out for a birthday dinner, it was brought up. I quietly asked if we could not talk about this tonight. This constant reminder feels like emotional torture. It colors whatever is left of the evening. I hope that was not the intention, but that is how it feels to me. I know when I am supposed to leave by. I just don't know where I will end up, and how I will pay for it. I do not forget about something this big. That is my big scary, that and not having a support system anymore. Not money..emotional support. Not that I want to, but perhaps I should just stay home, stay out of the way as much as I can until I have the answer, avoid the question. Something will happen, I am trying as hard as I can, The stress is coming from multiple directions, not just the relocating. Working as much OT as I can to try and save money is physically stressful, I am no longer 30,35, 40. With no time off, no vacations, my body threw on the brakes, as it has done in other ways in my past.
The answer I thought of more than a few times tonight was not healthy, and I know it. So I will see the PA, and I will accept his help for this damn depression. And I will gladly accept a guardian angels help as well. I know he is out there, we have met before, very briefly, but he had a profound effect on me at that time. He had long hair, a beard and wore army fatigues, probably a Vet. It would be very nice to speak with him again.
Kel
Go fund Me-- for Kelly
Any help would be greatly appreciated, thank you.
