I know one person, who will read what I have written here tonight, and think to themselves "yeah, now you know how I felt."
Christmas. No matter how low and poor I felt in the past I forced myself to get up, decorate, participate and celebrate. I guess I have reached the point where I cannot find it in me to
decorate, and celebrate. I will participate because otherwise I will put a damper on others who
are in tune and want to celebrate the season.
I will send out my usual Christmas cards, which for the most part, I almost never receive one
from those I send them to. Why do I continue? To hopefully keep some kind of connection to
those people. I am not a great telephone person. My Mother, bless her heart, could not stay off the phone. Hours and hours she spoke to friends and family. Me? I don't call anyone unless I am
backed into a corner and promise to call. I don't know why. I will text and message. But calling is harder..afraid of how I may sound? Did I say the wrong thing? Christ.
So this year I am not dragging out my Christmas collection to spruce up my room. It will still be there next year, hopefully I will be in a better place emotionally then. Celebrating? I have no social life. I only get people to out with me if I stand there and plead. No one thinks "OH! Let's ask Kelly if she wants to go." Colorado is not VA, it is not WVA, or MD. In any of those places I had friends who enjoyed my company and wanted me there. Colorado is not those places. I've found it almost impossible to make friends here. I try. I try to connect with co-workers, and there are a few who
I do consider my friends, but it is not the same. If I have to beg it is not the same.
So my celebrating will be on Christmas Eve at church. And I will make a nice Christmas breakfast
and help with dinner. I will exchange gifts at home. And my heart will not be in tune to the season.
I used to be " Just do it!" "If you start it will get better, and you will find that Christmas Joy."
I swear I had to drag the ex-asshole into Christmas in hopes that his being down would not kill the holiday for me and anyone in the house. Every year he was in mourning. My other ex was the same. I know that losing a mother is horrific. I have been through that. But somehow you have to move on.
This year is MY exception. I am losing my mother's brother to Stage 4 liver and colon cancer. It feels like I am losing her all over again because he was there for her. So this will be the Christmas that wasn't. I will deal with the grief and the depression, and hopefully next year will find me being in a better place emotionally and physically.
The decorating Queen is now off duty.
Bah Humbug.
Kel
Addendum: Uncle Bill passed away peacefully at 1 AM Dec.7, 2016. I will always miss him. I hope that he is with his family that was waiting in heaven for him.
Kelly's Go fund me page
Christmas. No matter how low and poor I felt in the past I forced myself to get up, decorate, participate and celebrate. I guess I have reached the point where I cannot find it in me to
decorate, and celebrate. I will participate because otherwise I will put a damper on others who
are in tune and want to celebrate the season.
I will send out my usual Christmas cards, which for the most part, I almost never receive one
from those I send them to. Why do I continue? To hopefully keep some kind of connection to
those people. I am not a great telephone person. My Mother, bless her heart, could not stay off the phone. Hours and hours she spoke to friends and family. Me? I don't call anyone unless I am
backed into a corner and promise to call. I don't know why. I will text and message. But calling is harder..afraid of how I may sound? Did I say the wrong thing? Christ.
So this year I am not dragging out my Christmas collection to spruce up my room. It will still be there next year, hopefully I will be in a better place emotionally then. Celebrating? I have no social life. I only get people to out with me if I stand there and plead. No one thinks "OH! Let's ask Kelly if she wants to go." Colorado is not VA, it is not WVA, or MD. In any of those places I had friends who enjoyed my company and wanted me there. Colorado is not those places. I've found it almost impossible to make friends here. I try. I try to connect with co-workers, and there are a few who
I do consider my friends, but it is not the same. If I have to beg it is not the same.
So my celebrating will be on Christmas Eve at church. And I will make a nice Christmas breakfast
and help with dinner. I will exchange gifts at home. And my heart will not be in tune to the season.
I used to be " Just do it!" "If you start it will get better, and you will find that Christmas Joy."
I swear I had to drag the ex-asshole into Christmas in hopes that his being down would not kill the holiday for me and anyone in the house. Every year he was in mourning. My other ex was the same. I know that losing a mother is horrific. I have been through that. But somehow you have to move on.
This year is MY exception. I am losing my mother's brother to Stage 4 liver and colon cancer. It feels like I am losing her all over again because he was there for her. So this will be the Christmas that wasn't. I will deal with the grief and the depression, and hopefully next year will find me being in a better place emotionally and physically.
The decorating Queen is now off duty.
Bah Humbug.
Kel
Addendum: Uncle Bill passed away peacefully at 1 AM Dec.7, 2016. I will always miss him. I hope that he is with his family that was waiting in heaven for him.
Kelly's Go fund me page
