This.morning, after I had been asleep about 2 hours, my niece called to let me know that my brother had died. It didn't hit me right away, at least not until after the call. Trying and failing to go back to sleep I've given up and so here I sit with my coffee, writing in my blog trying to make sense of a sad life and a sadder ending.
I'm going to stop here and come back later.
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I prefer the memories of our youth. My brother became an almost unlikeable adult. As a child he was a temper inducing name caller and a mimic. So you're wondering he was worse as an adult? Yes. Whatever mental or emotional cause he had as a child it wasn't properly diagnosed. When he was in 2nd grade he was tested and diagnosed with a "perception problem". All I can remember is that Mom described it as "if you are seeing a telephone pole that is straight up and down, he sees it as leaning." It still didn't touch on his problems. Full blown tantrums before bedtime every night. Going to extended family's homes and refusing to take off his coat and leave the front door. He did grow out of this as he aged
He couldn't go up to a neighbors house and knock on the door. As I got older it seemed like social anxiety. But, as an adult he consistently was a no show for holidays and birthdays, especially for his own children who were raised by our mother because he failed at taking proper care of them.
He seemed manic depressive in a big way. He talked about himself like he had superhuman powers (which freaked me out) and then would hit the lowest of lows and say suicidal intentions. Starting at age 15 he found marijuana which became a life long habit. He also drank everyday.
As far as personal relationships went, he had none. He was briefly married because he was responsible for 2 pregnancies, same lady, who happened to be my best friend. My father pushed them into marriage and it was a disaster. He bullied. He selfishly told her that his paycheck was for him, and that hers should pay for the kids needs. He bullied and raged at our mother.
So yes, the only good memories I have were during his name calling years. After years and years of him not being a part of the family and general strange behavior, I distanced myself from him. So did his children and the rest of the family. He would sometimes comment on my Facebook posts, and I'd answer him.
It does hurt that he died. He had fallen and broke ribs. I told him to see a doctor, and he did go to the E.R and had X-rays. However, he failed to follow up, self medicating with pot and beer. I suspect that he was given pain meds while at the hospital as well. He fell again, vomited blood and died. The police detective had to search to contact the family.
Sadly no one in our family has the money to pay for funeral costs. I'm not sure if we will get together for a remembrance because frankly there were not many happy ones. I cannot afford to fly out or drive that far.
I live alone as well. I don't do drugs nor consume alcohol. My health is eh. Fix one problem, find another. I've told my niece and Aunt and Uncle that when I go I also want to be surrendered to the state. I figure I'll be gone and spending money on me would be against my wishes.
I wish my brother had had a happier life. I hope that he finds the peace and joy that eluded him on earth. That's what I wish for all of us.
Kel
