First let me say that this is not a self pity party. I'm not weeping, not depressed. What I am is sort of blah.
I do my best to beat back feelings of loneliness, I decorate, light those holiday smelling candles, try to get myself at least something new that I need. I talk with old friends who are dear to me. But inevitably I spend the holidays alone. And this year for some reason the blahs are continuing past the holidays.
I haven't left my apartment for two weeks. I don't really want to either. I feel insulated here in my chair, never changing out of my pajamas. Doing nothing but playing on my phone, reading and sometimes watching videos.
Anyway I just want to say that staying in and shutting out the world is not something I normally do. I feel like a switch has been flipped and it's not returning to normal. It's a little late in life for me to become agoraphobic.
So my refusal to take down the Christmas decorations and staying at home is maybe my mind telling me that we didn't really have Christmas and we're going to wait here for it. Let's just admit that in my past Christmas was a big deal, and having it shrink to nothing is very hard for me to deal with.
