Back across the Mississippi

For those watching for an update I am bound eastward, just not all the way to the east coast.

I have worked OT for the entire time I have worked here, with the objective of affording a move either into my own apartment here, or moving back home. Suffice it to say that making money to save it, and being applicable for low income housing are 2 separate things, an unpleasant Catch-22.

I frantically began a search for a place here when the wagon train eastbound denied me passage.
Not going any further with that. Words were said, and life here has not been good. I was pointed towards the Loveland Housing Authority. Again, I made $800-1000 too much, and the wait was 6 months to 2 years, not something that would help me in a hurry. I drove the rounds of apartments that
advertised tax credit or low income assistance. Everyone of them stated that I did not qualify, because I had worked OT.

So it seemed that Colorado had made my decision for me. I have two wonderful nieces who I love very much. When Michelle first offered her sofa in Virginia her older sister Paula also offered a place for me to get on my feet again. Virginia is far too expensive a place to afford rent, and find work, while indefinitely occupying her couch. Paula lives in Toledo, Ohio. The cost of living is lower, there is work to be had, and I am welcome, which is a good feeling after the past months here.

I will miss my friends that I have made in Colorado. They have been good shoulders to cry on, great minds that think alike, and much laughter was shared. They understand that there really ended up being no choice for me, but to go.

A fresh start, or once again into the great unknown..seems to be a pattern, but I hope that this time breaks the chain. I have lived in Ohio before as a teenager and liked it. Moving from Ohio to So.California was a rude awakening..like, gee, where are all the trees? Pavement and no groves of trees to be seen.

Well wish me luck, it's going to be a very busy next 2 weeks.
If you see a woman driving a U-Haul and towing a car, with an unhappy cat in the front seat, that just might be me.


Kel~*

Starting Over..again

I have to admit at this stage in my life I never imagined that I would still be searching for and hoping to find a new start. But it is what it is, and I will shortly be embarking on yet another new beginning.
I could use all the luck I can get and then some. I've tried to save enough to get by for a few months, but of course I worry that it won't be enough.

I have about 5-6 more weeks of Colorado and then I will be returning to whence I came from, the east coast. Am I looking to start over with my old life? No, and hell no. (I've been alone now for over 6 years, and those days are over and gone, so don't be paranoid, you are not all that, and you are welcome to continuing forgetting me, as I will continue regretting you.)

 I just hope that I can find a job that pays my bills, and a place that I can be comfortable in. I would prefer to not be near the I-95 corridor, but that is sadly where I will be parked and looking.

It's hard to look for an apply for work when you are 2500 miles away, employers sort of want to meet who they would be hiring.I have looked, and it seems like my choices are "eh" and not so "eh." Meaning no one is hiring at high enough of a salary that I can make it alone. But, I have not given up, and I might actually apply at something outside of my comfort zone, it couldn't hurt to try, just a few bruises on my ego.

So wish me luck. Colorado is a beautiful state but completely unaffordable for folks who are not making the big money. Besides, humidity is a good thing for older folks. Colorado sucks all the moisture out of you, lol. At least I know my hair and skin will be happy with the change. Sweating? Profusely? That will take some time to adjust to again.


~Kel

I'd place the Go fund Me here, but no one is interested in assisting-so..nevermind.

The Seventh Wave

  When I was young, and summer days were long and filled with children laughing, the summer
was a time filled with endless fun. No worries of world politics, no serious problems, just time spent with friends and with no homework. Responsibility, of course, was a course that my Mother taught, and did so quite well. After chores were finished we were free to roam the wilds of our long back yard, explore those things that dwelled in shallow creeks which broadened and became deeper as it's course fed into a large lake.

  There were wild expeditions of Cronauer children and other neighborhood kids that became a safari on country back roads, all pedaling madly down roads which seldom had other traffic. There were treks on railroad tracks which would lead us to discovering other parts of our small town. There were no adult thoughts of heat, humidity, bugs, we were children, and as adults we look back and wonder if the miserable hot and humid days of summer even existed back then, or was it magic?

  But the best part of summer? Yes, if we were lucky, was a family vacation.(something so elusive to the adults we now are, times were different back then.) We had week long camping trips which felt more like 3 weeks, hitting as many states as we could in that time. Exploring new places. Hearing scary noises at night which surely must have been a bear. Seeing caves, lakes, mountains (which had bears) and the driving from state to state. We were not entertained by technology back then. There were games which could be played to pass the time, license plates, VW bugs, animal, vegetable and mineral..what is bigger than a bread box or simply reading or playing quiet games alone.
There was also.."He's touching me!" "Get off my side of the seat!" "You are so gross!" coming from the back seat which held one girl and two boys, and of course that lucky one who was in the middle. Sometimes I would just leave the seat and settle over the hump on the floor just so I did not have to touch my brothers.

  The vacations were all fairly simple, as my parents were not wealthy, but my Mother was an expert at saving what she could, which is why we went. My fondest memories, and the ones that still held an olfactory and sound memory, were the trips to the sea shore. There is no other smell in the world that can hold up to a seaside town on the east coast. Sounds of  crying gulls, and crashing waves, The boardwalks held the smell of wood, tar and salt water. The smells of concession stands, with fries, caramel popcorn, funnel cakes and other tantalizing odors are a permanent part of my memories.

  But the sound of waves, endlessly rolling in to stretch out onto the sand in salty foam, are something that can never be duplicated. Carting all blankets, towels and equipment down to the sand. Running across that sand if it was too hot and straight into the wet sand being pulled by the waves. Getting settled, and sitting down to blow into our always deflating canvas rafts. Those rafts were absolutely the only way to ride the waves, and not have to touch your feet to an unknown ocean floor. Greasing up with Coppertone to prevent sunburn, and yet still getting burnt.

  Finally to grab your raft, race down to the surf where you stood letting the shallow waves roll over you, getting used to the cold water. feeling the strong pull of the undertow as the water was pulled back into the oncoming waves. Wading out, a little further, then further, until the water was almost chest high. Swinging yourself onto the raft, sometimes not so easy. Rolling over the smaller swells.
Then..in the distance..the seventh wave could be seen, a swell still, but larger than the others. Paddling, riding over the swells, aligning you and your raft until you were almost parallel with the wave. Broad strokes with your arms to climb to the almost top of the wave, but not over. You can feel it changing, starting to break, and then flying with the wave all the way to the shallows. Usually you would find yourself hundreds of yards beyond where you entered the water, and you would have to pull yourself and your raft back to the starting point. No sense in making Mom mad at you.

  As an adult I look back at those summer days and sometimes wish so hard that childhood could be repeated. Days of innocence; the summer off with only chores and summer camp to keep you from friends and fun, no adult worries.

  If you wonder what brought on this wave of nostalgia, it was a wave of a different sort. Colorado is perhaps the windiest place I have ever lived. Being near the base of the Front Range we get a great deal of high wind. Standing on the back porch you can hear it roaring, building and then crashing in to blow gale force through the trees and neighborhood. And yes, there is that one, that one which is bigger, stronger and louder..that seventh wave of air that sent me back to childhood memories.


Kelly's Go fund Me

Sleep is hard to come by

Getting a good nights sleep seems to be harder to get than ever, and I am not alone in this.
I've spoken with a more than a few people who cannot seem to either fall asleep, or stay asleep.
I'm wondering if it is 'Fear?'

Not that anyone claims to actively be worrying about King Trump (except me) but it has to be there, on a subconscious level. At the rate he is using his mighty pen to push his agenda it is scaring the chit out of me how much damage he is doing and will do. Everything some of us worked hard to save, like Standing Rock against the pipeline, he has just pushed aside giving the Oil company free rein to run through their lands. A woman's freedom to make her own decisions? Gone. Health care for those that have pre-existing conditions, especially those with young children with problems,..gone.

I think that those that thought of him as their great leader are going to feel his pinch too. He said what they wanted to hear. They ignored his track record of bankruptcies and shady deals. They ignored his treatment of women (and so many of those supporters were women, how dumb can you be?) and his making fun of the disabled, in a completely immature and bully like show. How he can disregard the millions of immigrants and their children born on U.S. soil. It was not so long ago that it was the Irish, the Asians, the Germans, the Italians, the Slav's and the Polish, .each new group entering the country was met with anger, so this is nothing new. However, we never considered shipping everyone back home before, because it makes no sense. These immigrants will someday be the ones who fear another's coming. Logistically it is impossible and too damn expensive to round everyone up and detain them waiting for expensive transport. Not to mention tearing families apart.

I feel that Trump's tremendous ego and temper are a huge downfall. How can you diplomatically work with the world without some finesse? Easy, because according to him he does not have to deal with them. Let the U.S. be isolationist. We don't need them. We will back out of everything that took years if not centuries to build. He cannot keep his fingers off the Twitter button, and that is a pure sign of immaturity..having to have the last word because someone was mean to him.

So yes, I do have trouble sleeping. I am afraid to wake up to what he plans to destroy tomorrow.

Kel

Still trying to find a way to afford a move. If you can share, thank you. If you are in my boat, I understand.

Kel's Go Fund me page

Grinch Mode

I know one person, who will read what I have written here tonight, and think to themselves "yeah, now you know how I felt."

Christmas. No matter how low and poor I felt in the past I forced myself to get up, decorate, participate and celebrate. I guess I have reached the point where I cannot find it in me to
decorate, and celebrate. I will participate because otherwise I will put a damper on others who
are in tune and want to celebrate the season.

I will send out my usual Christmas cards, which for the most part, I almost never receive one
from those I send them to. Why do I continue? To hopefully keep some kind of connection to
those people. I am not a great telephone person. My Mother, bless her heart, could not stay off the phone. Hours and hours she spoke to friends and family. Me? I don't call anyone unless I am
backed into a corner and promise to call. I don't know why. I will text and message. But calling is harder..afraid of how I may sound? Did I say the wrong thing? Christ.

So this year I am not dragging out my Christmas collection to spruce up my room. It will still be there next year, hopefully I will be in a better place emotionally then. Celebrating? I have no social life. I only get people to out with me if I stand there and plead. No one thinks "OH! Let's ask Kelly if she wants to go." Colorado is not VA, it is not WVA, or MD. In any of those places I had friends who enjoyed my company and wanted me there. Colorado is not those places. I've found it almost impossible to make friends here. I try. I try to connect with co-workers, and there are a few who
I do consider my friends, but it is not the same. If I have to beg it is not the same.

So my celebrating will be on Christmas Eve at church. And I will make a nice Christmas breakfast
and help with dinner. I will exchange gifts at home. And my heart will not be in tune to the season.
I used to be " Just do it!" "If you start it will get better, and you will find that Christmas Joy."
I swear I had to drag the ex-asshole into Christmas in hopes that his being down would not kill the holiday for me and anyone in the house. Every year he was in mourning. My other ex was the same. I know that losing a mother is horrific. I have been through that. But somehow you have to move on.

This year is MY exception. I am losing my mother's brother to Stage 4 liver and colon cancer. It feels like I am losing her all over again because he was there for her. So this will be the Christmas that wasn't. I will deal with the grief and the depression, and hopefully next year will find me being in a better place emotionally and physically.

The decorating Queen is now off duty.

Bah Humbug.
Kel


Addendum: Uncle Bill passed away peacefully at 1 AM Dec.7, 2016.  I will always miss him. I hope that he is with his family that was waiting in heaven for him.

Kelly's Go fund me page

Where are the search planes?

I don't think that I ever felt so alone in my life. Perhaps it is because my 2 main moral supporters have left me. Quietly tip toed away. Slowly stopped being there, they feel like ghosts to me now.
It is sadly amazing that I have had so many friends, good ones  in my past, and now I feel like that speck in the middle of a desert, impossible to find..easily over looked, the search planes fly by without finding me.  All have moved on and here I sit on the side of sand dune, sifting the grains between my fingers, knowing my making stupid decisions has left me where I am.

There is no worse feeling than being unwanted. It leaves you wondering about the why's? or whens? What did I do?

I know that my blog has shifted into what seems a pity party just for me. Maybe that is true. But then I write it here because it needs to come out. My repressing stress and trying to battle through it alone, ignoring it, has yet again caused my body to tell me loudly that it is not right to not let go of it. Better to yell, scream, holler or cry then to keep moving without letting it out.

This "Shingles"..argh. If you have had the chicken pox the virus lies dormant, waiting for the just the right moment to come back to life. The PA told me it was stress. I had thought I had torn a muscle hauling a heavy vacuum up and down the stairs. It started off feeling like bee stings in my muscles...and then it really started to hurt. So, even though I felt I was being a big baby I went to see what they could do for my aching. It took the PA not more than a brief moment of listening to what I described as bee stings, deep itching down in the muscles and then pain. He said "Oh Kel, I am afraid that you have shingles. Yep there is the rash, want to see? You are not being weak when you describe your pain, it is very real, and I think that you have been pretty strong."

Prescribing, advising, the appointment continued..he said he needed to see me next week..because we needed a follow up and to discuss my depression. I had not said a word about that, maybe he could just sense it, like that cloak of invisibility, hovering, and trying to hide it.Or maybe he is perfect at his job observing and perceiving what is up with his patients. I am truly grateful that he was the one I saw that day.

I know that you can not tell by what I have written here, but I try very hard to have hope and to see the beauty around me. Because my future is scary I have the same tendency I always have to wish for something wonderful to happen., but sending off negative vibes with my sarcastic mouth. Though I know that I am loved, I still feel like a burden, and one that they want to leave. I know that this move into their home was not supposed to be permanent. It was a bleak revelation discovering that Colorado does not have affordable housing.

Everytime we go out together, somehow my leaving is introduced into the conversation, like I might have forgotten about it..and that is not possible.Even going out for a birthday dinner, it was brought up. I quietly asked if we could not talk about this tonight. This constant reminder feels like emotional torture. It colors whatever is left of the evening. I hope that was not the intention, but that is how it feels to me. I know when I am supposed to leave by. I just don't know where I will end up, and how I will pay for it. I do not forget about something this big. That is my big scary, that and not having a support system anymore. Not money..emotional support. Not that I want to, but perhaps I should just stay home, stay out of the way as much as I can until I have the answer, avoid the question. Something will happen, I am trying as hard as I can, The stress is coming from multiple directions, not just the relocating. Working as much OT as I can to try and save money is physically stressful, I am no longer 30,35, 40. With no time off, no vacations, my body threw on the brakes, as it has done in other ways in my past.

The answer I thought of more than a few times tonight was not healthy, and I know it. So I will see the PA, and I will accept his help for this damn depression. And I will gladly accept a guardian angels help as well. I know he is out there, we have met before, very briefly, but he had a profound effect on me at that time. He had long hair, a beard and wore army fatigues, probably a Vet. It would be very nice to speak with him again.

Kel

Go fund Me-- for Kelly

Any help would be greatly appreciated, thank you.

A Bigger Bite

   My situation has not changed much. I tried to get a job that would have somewhat solved
my pending homelessness. Unfortunately they felt I was too old for a 'Career' and denied me a second
interview. I have not given up hope of finding a better job. It's really hard going for several years with
absolutely no time off. I do not have the money to do anything anyway.

No going to movies, no restaurants, no professional hair cuts (that's me in the mirror trying to evenly trim my bangs) Last time I paid to have someone cut my hair was before Thanksgiving in 2015, so it's getting long again. No shopping for new clothes. The only way I sometimes treat myself is buying a used book or two.

A Friend of mine, a couple of months ago, created a Go Fund Me page for me. I hate to post this,it is a definite beg, and I know that there are others less fortunate than I. But I know, despite the over-time, that I will not be ready on the set deadline of April 1 to move into an apartment.

I'm searching for, (unsuccessfully) some charitable institution that will help get me into an affordable
place. Not giving up..but with me paying for health insurance they do not see me as in need.

 I'm now checking into disability assistance. Why? Because I have Glaucoma.(it's back) Recent tests show that it is now in my good eye, the right one. Perhaps it is the Diabetes that makes it so easy to come back. Freak me out? Yes it does. I have no idea how I could go on living without sight. Everything that makes me happy is because I can see it. The surgery is $100 out of pocket..and as you might guess, it is on hold, as are the holidays this year. As much as I enjoy giving to friends and family, Santa is taking some time off.

So, If you are visiting, and can afford to send some help, your generosity would be hugely
appreciated. I won't be posting a blog like this again, it's a real downer and does nothing for my pride.
I thought that it wouldn't hurt to ask...but it really does.

Kelly's Go Fund Me Page


Love,
Kel