I is froze

I is froze
First mah fingahs
den mah toes.
Not to mention
mah little red nose.

Damn! Cold. Damn Cold!! When I left work tonight the thermometer on my car read -6 degrees.
Part of my job is checking perimeters and doors, hence my silly remark of being frozen. Not quite used to these extremely low temperatures yet. Colorado's weather never stays anything for long, it's always changing. We had about 8 inches of snow on Christmas and the 26th. Then it snowed some more on Sunday and Monday, and Mother Nature ushered in some very frigid weather. Tomorrow's high of 22 will seem like a much welcomed heat wave.

I heard via the Weather Channel that So Cal and Las Vegas were going to get snow on New Years Eve, I'd hate to be an insurance agent in that region on New Years Day..lol. Fender Benders everywhere.

Wishing everyone a great New Year in 2015.

~K

O.T.

O.T.makes me zzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Weird that in my first week they were already hitting me up for over time. Funny that the lady doing the hiring stated "If you have to work over then you will come in later the next day." Oh really? Pardon me if I keep falling asleep while writing this note. I have been asked to work over an average of 2 times a week since I started. And of course I said yes.

The 40 hour week of constant driving makes this gal tired enough. Add more hours onto the day and snowy/icy weather? I'm ready for bed when I clock out.

I like being out on my own. I do not mind the drive. I just want to be awake while doing it.

I know..picky-picky, you cannot have Everything! You silly girl.


zzzzzzz~K

It's the little things

It's the little things that can make my day. With my current job I am frequently alone, which is something that I have always wanted to try in my adult life, be my own boss, for the most part.
Some might think that would make me a lonely person, but that's not the way my mind works. The wheels turn all the time without having to have someone there with me. I travel from office to office, so I do meet people during my shift. But sometimes something unexpected gives my day a happy boost.

Yesterday while visiting one of the Loveland offices something in the sky caught my eye. I have only witnessed this sighting once before in my life, but each time leaves me with a feeling of awe that comes out of my mouth as "Aw! Wow, look at that!" Riding the wind currents (which can be pretty strong here) was a Bald Eagle. Flying over the parking lots and over buildings, he seemed the embodiment of freedom. It was beautiful. But..as my mind works things out.."Hmm...lots of fat geese flying around here too! He might be looking for a Christmas dinner." Lol...

Later that same day, as I was patrolling slowly through another lot in Fort Collins...waddling (and taking their sweet time) was a gathering of those same geese. It brought me another smile watching them strolling ahead of me. (guess they were lucky to not run into that eagle.)

Today as I walked yet another parking lot I saw two large birds in a grassy area. I assumed that they were geese, but when they flew away together I noted that they were Cranes or Herons. I have not seen a crane nor an eagle since I left southern Maryland. Those brief sightings totally made my day.
My father thinks that I am fascinated with the migratory geese who gather in Loveland and the surrounding areas for the winter. Well, I am! I was always happy to see them back east, but they were always few in number, which made me sad that there were so few when at one time there were millions. Out here in Colorado I see hundreds if not thousands each week.

I joke, when I am home and outside, that when they leave Loveland for Fort Collins in a group that they have dinner reservations. When a large group flies back..dinner is over, time for bed. I love that I can see so many of them. Yes, you got to watch out for goose poop in most places, but it's worth it.
It's good that they can co-exist with man here. Loveland and the surrounding areas, are not small. There are a lot of people, cars, homes and businesses. I was afraid that my country days were over.
But..they are not, and that is a very good thing.

Have a g'night,
K

Get set and go!

Tomorrow is the first day of my new job. I'm a bit nervous, a little excited, but mostly happy to
be productive again. My savings are almost depleted, and Christmas looks to be a very simple one.

We have agreed to gift each other with something whimsical. I'm easy..hey, not that way! I meant that anything "Cat" will make me happy. I'm having more trouble thinking up something affordable and whimsical for Dad and De. Dogs and cats are already taken care of, as well as stocking stuffers for the above mentioned two.

The first days on the job will be about training, and I am sure that company policy will be a big one.
Their Surveillance runs Control, unlike the casino where I was past employed. My GPS and radio are my time clock and how they keep track of me as I am 45 miles from home base.

Cannot wait to get a real paycheck again. Things are tight in every way here, even meals. I am getting royally tired of sandwiches. A nice shot of whiskey would have been a appreciated to help me sleep tonight..but Mother Hubbard's cupboard is bare, and beer is not quite the same, lol.

I likely will not be online as much as I have been the past few months. I need a break from that as well, it's getting damn boring. If Santa does hear my wishes a good book (that I have not read before) would be very nice, Santa aside, I am very grateful for what I do have and the chance to begin again.
Christmas service will be especially beautiful this year, I find myself teary when in church, and I am not sure why. Perhaps because it has been missing from my life for way too long a time. Maybe because it reminds me of my past and those that I have lost. Other members of the congregation must wonder why I am so mushy.

If I do not get the chance to share it before the 25th, I wish everyone who reads my weird little blog a very Merry Christmas and may your New Year be blessed with happiness and joy.

~*Kel

A week of Zero

Zero temperatures that is. It's been quite a while since this gal dealt with frigid air (not frigidere..lol) and nature sort of amazes me. I was all set for an interview in Denver when the first wave of Very cold air and snow blew in. Last week I had been doing yard work in short sleeves and then presto- change-oh!! How do you like the -11 temperatures when you are outside smoking? lol..I did not freeze to death, but it's not very pleasant. It kind of made me realize what lengths I can go to hold on to nicotine addiction. My father was afraid that he would find me frozen to the chair outside his office door, but that did not happen.

I had told myself that I would be quitting, I'm just afraid to quit without some medical help because I know that I will need help..patches for the day and a Xanax at night, at least till I stop wanting to light up. I have No health insurance at the moment.

The interview had to be rescheduled because when I got onto I-25 South ( at 4 degrees F) I could feel my car sliding in my lane only going 25 mph. I could not see me driving 80 miles like that back and forth. I am feeling a bit desperate for a job now. So many applications and no responses. I have two pending possibilities and I AM crossing my fingers that one of them will see what a great worker I can be. Sounds like I am bragging but I come from a generation who does work hard. We expect to be recognized for such as well. I have little patience for people who constantly whine instead of working. (the urge to smack them upside the head is tempting to me.)

We will be moving back to more normal temperatures for this time of year in about a weeks time. As long as there are no more 'polar vortexes' that is. Funny, the image that comes to mind when I hear polar vortex is from the movie "The Day After Tomorrow." In that movie there were hurricane like formations of clouds that pulled sub-zero temperatures down from the upper Troposphere causing everything inside the eye of the storm to instantly freeze. So yeah, I think this new weather word is designed to make people afraid. It's always wise to have common sense in any serious weather situation,, but I think that they use it more for dramatic media effect.

Shoveled today, a good 7 inches of powder is on the ground. Not as heavy to move as the snows we had back east, but damn, it was cold! My cheeks were stinging..my face..not my butt, lol.

OH MY!!

Love,K

Lordy Lordy, look who is not 40

I had to dig for that title, and obviously it was a long shot. Another year on the calendar of my life is approaching on little sneaky feet. No sense running, it will catch up no matter what evasive moves you may make. I'm actually comfortable with my age. I won't in years get any younger, but in my heart I am still young. The passing of the years is what we all do, no exceptions, and as some have mentioned before, it beats not getting older for other reasons, lol.

I have settled in here in Colorado, unpacking is complete, only a couple of items that have not been found after the flurry of packing,driving and unpacking. I have attended several church services, helped with the food for the homeless program, and of course last Fridays Trunk or Treat in the church parking lot. I've also been kept very busy with a large amount of needed yardwork.

Still nothing on the job front, but I am not giving up hope and keep plugging away. I hate to settle but likely will to get needed income to help around here with rent. That means taking a job that is out of necessity and not necessarily what I'd like to be doing. Hitting the bricks this week instead of online applications. I've heard back from a few advising that the position had been filled. Part time is not an option, I need 40 hrs and benefits.

Happy Birthday to me, and thanks to Laura Mae for the only card that was mailed this year. I did not know that Colorado was in a different galaxy, but it seems so. No matter, I do have wonderful folks to share the day with.

Have a good week everyone,
K~*

PS: Note that other cards arrived later and were very much appreciated!

Bits and Pieces

Slowly learning my way around Loveland because it's a bit bigger than what I had become accustomed to. I think that I can find one of the Walmarts and a food store or two. Tomorrow I will have the afternoon to myself and I 'd like to do some more gardening. I plan on an excursion to find a car wash, because Greta the Mazda is still bug splattered from the trip out here. (plus dust from the many construction zones.)

I have applied to varied positions, and as usual it's a wait and see, which I have trouble dealing with. I've applied for security positions, medical secretary, assembler at a printing company, and call center for utilities in the city of Fort Collins. I told you..very varied.

I am now insured in Colorado, the next step will be a driver's license since mine expires on my birthday this year. (that should be a blast) Registering the car will have to fall after that, as I should have approximately 3 months before I can be ticketed. (I hope)

I am expanding my horizons to include micro brews. I have never been much of a beer drinker, but it's either beer or wine, and I really have never gotten into wine. There are a fair amount of smaller breweries around here. Oh! And coming up October 25 there will be a Zombie Crawl in old town Loveland, that should be interesting!

Catch up more later,
~k

PS: I have failed to mention how beautiful it is here. The weather is traditionally fall like, clear bright skies. I actually found the big dipper sitting outside looking at the sky at night. Looking forward to a trip to Estes. We've just gotten in the last few days the first snows on the higher peaks, I could see them today driving through town.

We Made It!

We crossed many rivers, including the mighty Mississippi; we climbed a few mountains and we made it across on Interstate 80 West, which was under construction in every state we zoomed through. Gilligan traveled like a pro! But he is currently hiding in our room at Dads. The car ride was one thing, but dogs are quite another.

Waiting on the moving truck..wondering where everything will go. Job search has already started. Will say more later once I have my computer set up.

K~

T-2

One more day until the moving truck arrives. I am almost totally packed except for the pots and pans.
Then onto cleaning..Yay..not. I am still in a quandary as to whether I sleep on the floor on Monday night after the truck has left, or finding a cheap hotel room locally. Not looking forward to my first sprint of the journey spent after sleeping on the floor all night, but do I want to spend money on a room? Decisions, decisions.

I don't have GPS so I found an atlas at the Walmart.(still cracks me up when people add "the" like it's the only one out there.) I figure the most difficult parts navigating will be around the bigger cities, the first being Pittsburgh. I intend to mark my passage in short Facebook posts, to keep friends apprised.
Being that I have an older smart phone that loses battery strength quickly, I'm crossing my fingers.

Charles Town has been good to me in it's way, I appreciate all the friends that I have made here, and the job that added to my skills. But I am looking forward to my new adventure, discovering new territory, making new friends. I won't miss the skunks though..both human and the regular basic striped ones.

Gilly has finally clued in to the changes, there was a fair amount of feline howling done tonight because his ratty old cat tower is not coming with us. I hope to find his highness another one that is not shredded. I'm sure that getting back to being outside some of the time will solve some of that, though Dad might start to wonder about his trees with claw marks on them. I have a sedative for the drive, though I would rather not have to use it. He'll be in the bathroom when the movers arrive, but I can remember him freaking out in there when we moved in here.(wedged between the vanity and the tub, turning himself upside down and panicking.

Not sure that I will be able to post here again once the move starts. My next entry will likely be in Colorado.

~K

If you know who is watching

If you know who is watching I'd suppose that he would be doing a jig..celebrating my departure. Good, happy for you. After all the blog entries I've written for you I guess that I have said it all before. I'm ready to move on and escape the last influence of your presence. I've enjoyed most of the time that I have spent in West Virginia, most of it. I made some awesome friends and found fulfillment in my work. I surprised myself by hanging in there and surviving your betrayal.
I can honestly say that I am leaps and bounds past where I was when you dumped me.

I am looking forward to exploring a new place instead of dwelling in the stomping grounds of your past. I hope that life brings you what you deserve, be it good or bad. (sort of ambivalent of that topic.)
I know that Karma has visited you and that you recovered. Good for you. The hate was one sided Sir. I struggled to make 'us' work for years. I don't believe that I failed, I do believe you bailed. Whatever,.. it is what it was. For whatever reason you chose to do what you did..I forgive you, because I AM stronger without you.  Trying to please you was slowly killing me, as there was no way I could please you, try as I did.

May you live..may you truly know yourself. And I hope that at sometime in your life you drop the bullshit and find honesty. Your Father was a good man. If you aim to emulate you better get stepping. He did not play games, and I liked that about him.

K

9 days

9 days left till my last day at work. They are looking at a lapse of Dual Rates after I am gone on swing. I feel for them, I feel badly that they will be so short. But it has happened before and they have survived. There would have been one left, but he, unfortunately, was demoted last Thursday due to his own actions, or lack of. I think if he had been a trifle more mature this would not have happened. But sadly he was not. It's going to be rough for them to get through this. They have known that I was leaving in July even though I officially gave my months notice in August.

Most of all I feel sorry for my team. I wish things were different for them as I hate leaving and knowing that they will have a hard road until staffing is fulfilled. I hope that they all know that this was not my intention, life just happened to make if more difficult. If I stayed until things got better I'd never be leaving, as there is always some issue or staffing problem there. Best wishes to all of my colleagues, I only want the best for you all.

K

Getting There

Between work and packing I have been a busy girl. Not only has the year flown by, but especially this last chapter in West Virginia. In three more weeks I will bid farewell to my current job at the casino, and Hello! to what the future holds for me. I have received quite a few responses to my resume, though nothing has tripped my trigger yet. I know that there is a possible temp job lined up, but these days I need full time to get health insurance. I should be ok for a few months though.

I'm looking forward to learning a new city and state. Lots to explore out there in Colorado. Though many have said "what about the weather?" My reply is to wait 24 hours, it will change again. Likely no more snowy then we had last year here in the east.

Packing..Lord..spare me...not my favorite thing. Unpacking..different story..it feels like Christmas opening a box and finding an old memory waiting to be placed in it's new home. Even though I have gotten a lot done, there is much more to do. The kitchen and storage will be my biggest battles..that and running out of space for the boxes in this little place.

So the clock is ticking..and seems to be moving faster than normal. I will have at least 5 days after my last day at work to finish things off. I am hoping that only the vacuum will be needed on the last day and that I can blast off for the first leg of my adventure. My co-pilot? A sedated cat..he is way too high strung to face the journey without drugs. It will be a huge transition for him..car trip for 4-5 days and then dogs to deal with in the new home. I can only hope and wait to see him accepting instead of perpetually freaking out because of the canines. The cat (Sam) I know that Gilly can adjust to after a few days. Dogs..he has never dealt with ever before.

~K

I know how ..Robin Williams felt

Robin Williams...we shared a common last name..and much more. I am not lying when I say that I can relate to and understand where he was when he made his final decision. It is a very dark place...where hope is not to be found. If not for the grace of God, a dear friend, and my Father, I might have met his fate long before he reached his.

Nobody can really know the depths that Depression can take you. Everything closes in and there is no light to lead you back. I confess to not having the same drug abuse problems but I can attest that Depression is very real.

There seems to be little hope. You feel that all efforts are for naught. The tears and the pain suck you in to an abyss that has no bottom,  constantly falling. Darkness..fear...self doubt..twist you into a lost knot.

I confess that I had saviors. A kindly psychologist with a Howdy Doody smile; an ambulance crew who did everything they could and succeeded..an ICU that kept me alive...a friend that stood steadfast at my side, always there when I needed her, and a parent who forgave and gave of himself to keep me on the right path.
Without these people I would not be here today.

I will never be able to say how much everyone of them meant to me. For the most part I have no connection to thank them. Those that are still close today know their value in the part they paid in my recovery and survival., and they continue to be closest to my heart.

My deepest regret for Robin is that he did not reach out for help. There is always someone who can give you a good reason to keep breathing. Sometimes it's a total stranger, sometimes it is someone you hold dear. But they cannot hear if you do not ask.

He was a true human. He gave from his heart. His caring and empathy showed in everything he did. The world will be less without him, but I am very grateful for what he did share with us. I hope that his final adventure (death) leads him to a paradise where there is no more pain..just love and laughter.

~k

Westward Ho!

   I have not mentioned, because everything was still in self-debate stage, that I will be driving off into
the sunset..literally. Heading west, time to leave West Virginia, and all it's (cough-cough) glory. I originally came here with someone that I hoped (at that time) would be the person I shared the rest of my life with. That was my thought...his was a paid for move, bide some time, and kick me out to start over with someone younger.(oh and cheating..did I mention cheating?) My sad tale is but one of thousands. Both women and men can vouch for similar circumstances. That selfish partner? Good bye and good riddance to bad garbage. I've been on my own for 3 years and have happily survived his betrayal.

So..it's time to move and see what life is like someplace else. New opportunities, new adventures, one of the biggest being the first time I will be traveling 1700 miles alone. (I will have a furry co-pilot who is sure to sing his woes for a couple hundred of miles at the minimum) I am not bound, like some people I know, to any old memories or ties to this part of the planet. I am really looking forward to trying my luck in Colorado.
The added benefit is that I Will have family there, and they Do want me to come and stay. That means a lot after some pretty lonely holidays spent here, and I am grateful that they are welcoming me into their home as I launch into a new start.

I'm also going to make myself become part of something bigger. Jump in and make new friends... rediscover the peace that church can bring. And ..the biggest step of all, quitting smoking. It's past time for that change. I want to be able to breathe that mountain air and not be bent double wheezing and choking, heart pounding.

Everyone does the "nudge-nudge-know-what-I mean!" line when they hear I am moving someplace that pot is legal. I have to say, I tried it years ago, more than once..my psyche is really not too keen on how I feel when I do smoke it, so I will likely pass on that doobie, not bogart it.

I have a few months to get ready, and a much needed vacation coming up next week. Mel will be tucked into her air mattress for the last visit up here. We have places to explore and wild oats to be sown.
Watch out West Virginia! One more for road.

~K~

The Heat is On!

The last 4 summers has been an experience I call "Trial by Sweat." In my job I am required to wear a shirt and a jacket (polyester-so are the pants) with a lining,  inside an increasingly hot and humid building. Our guests arrive in shorts and short sleeved shirts, or sleeveless long cool cotton dresses. They claim "too cold" while I stand before them with perspiration literally dripping down my face, and other unmentionable areas.
It feels like torture, and in some respects I believe it is. Is an image truly that effective when the person representing appears to be suffering? I grant that it gets the sympathy vote, but little else.

We have been very busy being as short staffed as we have been for several months. Everyone of us has to hustle though out a long and arduous shift. Tonight I did not have 10 minutes to call my own inside of 9 hours. Yes, there are a small few zones that are comfortable. But when it is close to 100 degrees outside and the air is not working as it should inside then we, the staff, suffer. Then there is an incident in the garage (no air) and I am standing outside with a head completely saturated in sweat inside 2 minutes of being out there.
I feel sometimes as though I am being punished for some unknown infraction. WHY would any reasonable company expect their employees to physically suffer while they are at work?

Image. That is the answer I have received these past 4 summers. We have to present a professional appearance. How pleasant can someone be to other people if they are miserable? The answer is they can't. The feeling of being miserable is all consuming, it leaks out whether we intend to be cranky or not.

I'd rather be outside sweating in shorts and a cool top then buried under layers that would be comfortable in the winter months, inside a building with faulty air conditioning,  Seriously....

Ok..whine over..time to move on.

~K

Yearning

It catches me unawares...the longing to go back. To simpler days..to my youth. It doesn't always happen, but when it does I can almost see myself at 10 or 11 years of age. Summer days spent riding my bike with a gang of kids at my side..flying down small country roads, and feeling the joy of living. We were all friends, and each summer day an adventure. I can remember climbing trees, jumping the creek..staying up late outside and catching lightening bugs, playing kick the can...hoping down railroad ties. Life was so much easier, so much simpler. I yearn for a chance to have a do-over, another chance to feel that vitality of youth.

If we end..do we begin again? I hope so. I'd love another chance to live those years. Especially with the knowledge of my life that I carry with me now. I wish that I could remember it all, even as a toddler. It would make the best home movie. One that could be replayed at will. I know it's not possible..but imagine...living your life over. Creating new possibilities. New memories..new adventures.

It is perhaps my age that is bringing on these thoughts. But how magnificent to live those days again. I miss times that were not so complicated. The sound of my mother calling me in for dinner....the laughter in a room of my friends just being silly....the squishing of mud between my toes...the joy in running and laughing all at once...water fights that circled a home...hanging from the monkey bars...seeing the force of nature and feeling awe at it's destructive powers...bringing home a good report card...playing quietly with my toys...making up a "Play" on a rainy day....

There is so much I'd like to revisit. I wish that it was possible.

K~*

I'm melting, melting...

No, there was not a wicked little girl from Kansas throwing a pail of water on me..it was just damn hot.
It seems every summer (that I have been there) work struggles to provide a comfortable environment for guests and workers. It never quite works though. It does not help that other departments have comfortable uniforms with only one layer, or short sleeves. Security (as has been dictated from above) has to wear suit jackets. So we swelter. If for some reason there is a report in the garage area I could fill my own kiddie pool from the amount of water leaving my body.

We complain every year, and every year we are told 'No.' No summer uniforms, too costly. No working without the jackets...'we have an image that we want you to convey..professionalism..in a coat at all times.'
I've tolerated this and sweated through this for almost 5 years now. The first day that it hits 90 + degrees with high humidity the staff starts to wither and the complaints start. I believe that if they cannot provide a temperature that is comfortable for us then they should adjust the uniform requirements. It would be a great deal cheaper to buy new uniforms then to add another air unit. Or they should join us, in the heat, and in the uniforms, so they can understand why we complain.

My guess is that it will take staff getting ill in numbers before anything changes. If our Core values start with "Employees are our number one priority" then they should live by those words or the promise of them.

Dear Company,
   Your employees are melting and feeling ill wearing to many and too heavy clothing items.
Please do something this year to change that..or change your bogus Core values to an honest one..
"Employees, you are all expendable. Just shut up and work. We can find someone to take your place."

Irritated and melty
K

What will be, will be

I have sheltered here, basically alone (except for Gilly) since March 2011. I feel that the time has come for a change. Time to stretch my wings and soar in different skies. Find new places, new faces, and new beginnings. What I had hoped for and dreamed of, is not going to happen here. So rather than waiting for something else endlessly, I am making the decision to be some where else. There is no guarantee that starting over will be my answer but it beats standing in one place and never making a positive change.

I have toiled and enjoyed working with some great people at the casino. But I have never felt 'right' about working for a profession that is all about greed and false hopes. It's not that I object to gambling myself, but the business is centered around the hope to hit it big. 98% of the people who enter with their dreams go home poorer and no wiser. It is entertainment, but is it moral? To exist only to feed on someone's hopes of hitting the big jackpot"?

So in a few short months I will venture further a field and strive for something that completes me. A life style that encompasses all, and not just work. Family, church, new friends..and sharing time together. I am tired of nothing but work and home. There has to be more. More joy, more laughter. And the location, with all it;s natural beauty is satisfaction enough.

I will say more at a later date.

K

Just a note for M

I don't really know how to say what needs to be said. On one hand I fear that I will say the wrong thing and push someone I care about away. Then there is my heart, which does at times feel like a nag that keeps messing with my head. But I will carefully try to let this out without damaging our friendship.

I am not going to say much...just what has been with me for several weeks now. Each day at work seems harder to get through and remain positive. It feels like an endless onslaught from the moment of arrival to the second you finally get to leave for the night. It's a whirlwind from start to finish and You know that it is important that I keep my spirits up and positive. Not only does it affect me, but it also is shared with the people working hard right by my side. We don't have the staff to take on these days of siege, with not enough officers it's the managing crew who have to run to cover what they cannot, and still cover what is required for our jobs. Still waiting for new staff to help us out. If they ever arrive then things will improve.

This keeps me busy most of the time. But when I am finally home my brain feels free to fire up the cells and keep a constant thought in my head. My thought? I wish that things would have turned out differently.
In my heart I know that you and I would have had a blast living together. Not just existing but enjoying life.
When you finally told me how you felt..and I had the vibes for quite some time...it was no surprise to me,  but I am so disappointed and sorry that it turned out this way. I understand wanting to be close to family. But quite a few of your reasons stemmed out of fear, and that breaks my heart. I have never in all the years of our friendship seen you from this prospective and I hurt for you. You should not have to be afraid of change. If we all stayed stationary we would be spectators to life. "I cannot do this because something bad might happen."

I've had change forced upon me, and change that I demanded for myself. Neither time was particularly easy but I did survive to tell the tale. The future I saw for us, after the first months of trial were over with, was fun.
It was laughter and support, taking and giving. A duo of Golden Girls. I know that you too have had change forced upon you..and you survived and are happier for it. So why now? Please don't become the little ol'lady who worries about everything..please don't. Don't be afraid of the "what-ifs.' Woman, you had 1 health scare. I have had 4 and I am not afraid of what 'might' happen.

I am moving forward because I have to. Though I love my Dad, the future out there is no guarantee of happiness. Neither is staying here waiting for something wonderful to happen. It's not the future that I have seen and dreamed about since 2011. But I will take the leap of faith that I will find peace. My biggest worry is being left alone out there after years have passed by. Lord knows that I am old enough to figure it out eventually, and smart enough too. Yet still I wish for what could have been.

You know I love you,
K

Flaws

Flaws, we all have them.  Sometimes we can ignore,; sometimes they come so close they bite us in the ass. We can strive to overcome them, or have them overcome us. Self analysis is a wonderful thing, if it works.

I've looked into my mirror and asked myself how do I overcome? Then I feel foolish when gazing into my own eyes. It's damn hard to be self aware.  You feel like an idiot for looking at yourself and asking those most important questions.

I almost feel egocentric for looking at myself in the  mirror, and more so when I verbalize those questions. Only I can answer, there are no others waiting to council.

~k

Topsy Turvy

Sometimes change happens slowly. Sometimes it bowls you over like a wrecking ball. This past month has been the wrecking ball kind of change, and I am still reeling because the changes keep coming. I've lost more than a few good friends because of what's been happening at work. My plans have again gone by the wayside due to circumstances beyond anyone's control, or it's just fate maybe. So now I wait for the dust to settle and see what might become of all these changes. Where will I end up? That's a good question, and one I do not have the answers to yet. So I wait, at least for awhile, for others to decide what comes next. There is no sense in planning my own strategy until the dust settles. Whatever they do will effect my next decision and direction.

I know now that there is nothing keeping me where I am except for probable employment. These days finding your next job is a difficult endeavor. Starting all over again? That's a scary notion. Taking bigger steps and moving are heavy decisions and not taken lightly. My direction has been thrown off kilter lately. Those Big steps take a great deal of pondering before we can act on them.

So for the moment I am in limbo, awaiting the next big change to come along. Only time will tell.

K

Just in case, here is my update

   I have been living alone with just my cat Gilligan since March 30, 2011. I have considered a few times, since that day, looking for another man/lover/partner. Now, starting my 3rd year here, I no longer entertain the idea of a soul mate, or a man to share time with. Am I gay? No. What I am is comfortable in my own skin, happy with my quiet privacy, and understanding that I am already complete. I am not looking for a relationship, nor cruising dating sites. I don't need another man in my life, and I don't want one either.

  Being a wife (for me) meant being a real partner. One who shares the care for the home, and does the things the man did not have time to do.. Why? So time off for him meant time spent with me.What did I do? Grocery shopping, house cleaning and laundry, budgets and bills, and most of the cooking. I'm not sure if marriage or a permanent relationship made the men unable to take care of themselves, but I guess it was me who felt it was the right thing to do, and that set my role in the relationship. (besides, I cannot abide sloth) Could I have demanded more help? Yes, I likely could have but then I would have felt guilty since I was the one with more time off.

I hope to someday share a place together with a "friend." Why? Because we enjoy each others company; we make each other laugh; and we understand what the other has been through because we listen and care. I also know that they will pull their own load because they have been where I was. I like being 54, age is not an issue for me, only for others who either judge me by my numbers, or are themselves afraid of the golden years. Instead of appreciating what time has given us they are afraid of what might happen. I take each day as a miracle. I have had moments of bad health, but they were taken care of. We do not know what tomorrow will bring, but I would rather not dwell on the bad 'what-ifs,' And instead look forward to the "oh Wow's!"

I do not look for, think of, or search for either of those two men. They have their own lives, and I have mine.
It is true that it was a very bad time in my life after the last relationship ended. It did take me a while to let go. I wrote to release my anger and depression. I write now because I am sharing what I am thinking about, either at work, with the world, or my own family and history. If on some 'rare' occasion they should stop by my blog they should remember two things: Check the dates that something was written and understand that then is not now. 2) I have my own way of saying things, my own sense of humor, and I do not write to please anyone else but myself. Hence, if I feel something should be said I say it with no target audience in mind.

K**~

Why nothing changes

What sets us apart from the early citizens of our country??..We have stopped questioning. We have stopped looking for truth., and a better way. We have stopped believing that a different way could be a better way. We live in bubbles insulated yet bombarded by someone's need for us to buy what they want,; vote how they want. And then..to go back into hibernation and pretend that nothing is wrong. So many remain asleep and refuse to wake up..dreams are much better than reality. It's easier to pretend that nothing is wrong.

Oh Boy!!

I am (Not) wiggling in my chair, grateful for more than one day off. I am not bitching, but the run of days at work started about the same time as my flu/cold. I'm a bit frazzled and need of some quiet time and rest.
I do have plans and things that need to be accomplished..but honestly? My body is telling my brain off with  one liners such s " You slave driver!" " Have Pity please!" etc.

I'll do what has to be done, but no more. My latest schedule change makes for slower days at work, and I will have to adjust to that. I wish Gilly would join me in a night out, but he has politely refused. So maybe this gal will take herself out one night? Would certainly be something new for me.

Have a good week, K

Infinite

Infinite...the purple
starred edges of our galaxy;
infinite...the endless possibilities.
Nothing written in stone,
not a destiny known.
A quiet step into
a tomorrow mysteriously made.

Yes, my words..those that trip from my brain onto these blank pages.
I know I am not alone in those that sit in the hushed dark and reach for answers,
we have the common bond of questions.
If we had Hubble sight, we would spend endless hours gazing
on the explosion of light and dark, as stars are born and died
before we set our sights upon them.
Wondering what was there and what was lost.
Gazing into the heavens we know that our world is so small
just a speck of life in an infinite universe.
Yet, small as we are, we make great to do
over ourselves.
Those that strive for the riches of kings,
and those that pull the mountains of stones in monument.
We have struggled to leave the drudgery of serfdom,
only to have it thrust once more upon us.
When will 'they' know that the time of kings has past?
And that the time of freedom for all should be upon us?
Endless cycle of those that have and those that have not...
we should have risen above that by now.
Just look to the stars...these moments are small
and will matter for naught.
Above us lies different worlds, and different prospects.
Gaze upon the endless night of space..
and know that there is something more
waiting..

~k