Where I am now

 I am officially retired now. Because I did so 3 years early I don't receive full benefits. I can live with that. My living situation has been precarious, no food money and past due bills. EBT came through today so I can finally food shop. Admit that my fridge and cupboards are pretty bare right now. Shopping, while physically painful will be appreciated. And for the first time since summer 2017 I have health insurance, Medicaid. Really needed that.

Still pending is housing assistance. I've had 2 eviction notices. Been waiting since June for my paperwork to be approved. This would be short term help, to get me out of the hole I've been in . Afterwards my SS should be enough.

I never thought that I'd be in this situation. Never thought that I'd need state help. But when you're looking at a future that places you in a card board box hungry you do what you need to do. Emotionally in late May of this year I was in a very bad place. Actually wrote a letter explaining my choice to leave everything behind. My Best friends helped, encouraging me to fight back. Find my strength again, to reach for a positive outcome . I've kept that letter in a draft never mailed. It's a reminder that "Yes I can." And to stop procrastinating because it's the big defeater.

Depression runs on both sides of my family. I'm very susceptible to it, especially when I'm panicking, believing that there is no way out.  At least twice in my life I've  considered suicide. What helps me is being proactive. I'm extremely grateful for friends that care, and they've been my friends for over 40 years. Hard to believe that it's been that long . Love them so much.

Enough for now,

K

In the place of not knowing

 That place. When you feel like you are tip toeing a precipice, the one with nothing but air and no ground in sight. I've been running on empty for a while now, procrastinating like an idiot because I want to be retired. I'm tired of working, and I'm tired of working through pain. 

Why? Why isn't my disability on the list? I know damn well that there are many more people out there other than me that suffer through this pain. But SS has a defined list of disabilities on their website. Mine is not included despite the fact that it will only get worse and never better.

It's just swell knowing I'm 1 month out from possibly living in my car, and losing whatever I have now after dumping my belongings multiple times to downsize after failed relationships and moves. 

This is my bitch session. I'm just so tired of struggling to get by. Happy Golden years you all.

Wah wah wah.

K

Prayer for the New Year

 Dear God,

I am am not an exceptional Christian, as I am sure you are aware. I have in the last year or so been speaking to you at least once a day, sharing my gratitude and hopes that my love ones are happy, healthy and safe.

It's been a scary couple of years. Covid first showed it's ugliness and friends and family became victims of a dangerous and invisible enemy. I've been fortunate in that the few members of my extended family that were struck down did recover. Lately though it's poison is touching so many. Friends I have made on facebook are often posting that someone dear to them has passed due to Covid. The news carries stories of celebrities or the well known sharing their grief. I wonder if we will ever escape this time?

The saddest part of living in the time of Covid has been the change from a nation that worked toward a common goal to one of division. That it is so easy for people to be hateful towards each other. Is this mental illness? The outpouring of hate and spew of angry profanities seemingly directed at random strangers. Or has this always been there hidden but now revealed thanks to millions of cameras directed to capture the foulness? This is unnerving and upsetting. This is not the kind of world that I want to live in.

I'd like 2022 to be the year that we allow kindness to wash away our differences, and respect to replace the ugliness. I'd love to see people care about each other again, especially strangers. I'd love to see people embrace the idea that a mask shows the world that you care, and is not an infringement of your rights, A seatbelt is for protection. Sun screen is for protection. Why is a mask considered a tether or restraint? What you do to protect others protects yourself and those that you love.

No More Ugly people. It is not something to be proud of. Help us to find the kindness and share it with others. And before you, the  reader, can call me naive, let me remind you that this is my prayer, and kindness brings hope.It's not an invitation to argue or name call. After all I do not interrupt your prayers do I?

Many Thanks and Amen,

Kelly