What love means to me...

A ride home in the dark, the shadows

of the country side that fly by;

soft glow of the dashboard, and the smell

of the earth that slips in the windows.

A song playing softly on the radio,

you turn to gaze at the driver as he turns towards you,

soft smiles of a shared moment in time that means

something special just for the two of you.

Small moments shared, that is love to me,

and yes it does feel like coming home.

The song says it all, and Bonnie's voice does the rest...

just being with someone, spending time together, not the exploding fireworks,

but instead the burning embers, banked and holding the heat till a blaze can be called forth,

and then setting them to wait again.

Being home just sharing each others company...that kind of love would feel so right.

Feels Like Home to me

Words and music by Randy Newman

Song by Bonnie Raitt

Much ado about nothing kind of day

I've had two busy days off, and today is a stay at home day. Class yesterday, visiting the hospital for the financial help regarding my bill.... I still have calls to make, cleaning to do, but that takes very little time these days. As for the rest of the week, Wednesday was a bit of a wash since I did not sleep on Tuesday night..stress, worry, who knows, but I gave up at 6am and started laundry and shopped for food.

The shopping for food killed my budget for this pay period. The bill at the register just seems to be getting higher as I buy less. It's sort of freaking me out, wondering just how much I will be able to afford just getting necessities, and prescriptions. I've joined the rest of the gang in using a local ciggy shack to pay less for those cancer sticks. I have no idea what else to cut out, it's down to bare bones already. I need a roommate badly. It is the only way I can foresee affording the cost of living, but I am stuck in this lease till March.

I have to set up a truck and a storage unit today for the dining room. I tried to sell it, and that was a loss of $70 in ads, only 2 hits which both bailed out on me. So, now I have another bill..yippee! I have some muscle lined up, and crossing fingers all will go well in a few days. They could not grant me time off to take care of this, so I will unfortunately have to call out, not something I like to do, but the guys are not available on my days off, so that is beyond my control.

Wednesday was bean soup day...made a huge pot, it's yummy, and my main meal for the week. As long as I can make these kind of things I can get less at the store and save a few pennies.

The Christmas decorating is complete, and it's as much as I will put out this year. Just enough to help me through another alone holiday. I figure if I did not it would be just that much sadder. I will send cards, but buying gifts is out this year entirely, there is just no way to pay for it.

I wish I could at least see some of my family this season, but my days to work are on every holiday day, Christmas eve and Christmas day, New Years eve and New Years Day, working straight through it all. It will keep me busy, but I know myself...I will still get some of those holiday blues, it's a given.

Hope everyone has a great weekend.

k

Oh! I'm posting a completely silly little mobile video of Gilly and the purse. Please...ignore my micky mouse voice...it always come out when I play with the cats. Sorry for the ear pain..lol.

Gilly and the Purse

Baby Gil

Gilligan and Pumpkin
Gilligan and Jasper
Gilligan and Pumpkin

I was gathering what was required for class the other day, and thankfully my gaze fell upon a jump drive that I forgotten I had. ( need it to copy policy and procedure manual..whoopie!) I stuck it into the F drive on my computer tower and received a present, some pictures from 2003-2004. Not all of them were keepers, but I considered myself lucky to find some baby pictures of Gilly. He was not always panther sized, and it was nice to revisit those tiny days.

While he was sitting on my lap tonight I told him how cute he was as a baby and now he was my big boy..well, that must not have translated well into cat speak..he got all huffy and jumped off my lap, and is sulking somewhere now. I guess he does not want to be reminded he was ever a little kitten. Either that, or he misses his sister Pumpkin,and brother Jasper who are also in the pictures with him, and it was a sore subject. It seems so long ago now, but I will treasure those baby pictures. Having him be in my life was a gift in more ways than one. I am just sorry he is a lonely boy without his siblings.

k

Happy Black Friday--Not

Black Friday... it even sounds evil...frantic grasping shoppers willing to fight for that 'special' deal. I passed, as usual, and I was even off work for a change on the day. I personally do not plan to ever enter a store on any day called Black Friday. For one thing, so Not my scene, and secondly I do not have the money to buy a gumball right now.

This will definitely be a year without presents, no doubt about it. I've had slim years before, but this one is anorexic. I have included a link on this blog entry to how I spent Thanksgiving. It's not much, a mobile upload and a short message. What else did I do? Watched a video with dinner, and have been watching a series on Netflicks called "The Monarchy." Don't ask why, I just have always been fascinated with the history of Great Britain. Took 2 classes at college level because of that fascination. From prehistoric times, to Anglo-Saxon England to the Norman Conquest, I am enjoying the revisit. Got up to the end of Henry the 3rd last night, and will likely watch another. It is cool to be able to see the places I read about previously, and hear how one nation grew out of multiple invasions to be one of Europe's strongest Nation states. I would love to visit there someday, the land itself seems to call me.

Other than that, just putzing, slept way too late due to being unable to sleep, stupid move in having after dinner coffee last night..Duh me.

Hugs,

k

Thanksgiving and Mystery Turkey

Addendum to the holiday message

For more years than I can count I hosted, cooked and entertained for my family for the holidays.

This year, after being abandoned by the one person who stood by me, I am now wondering what happened to my family? The only invites I received were from people I work with (2) and I passed simply because I would have felt uncomfortable crashing 'their' family holiday. With all respect and friendship to those I work with, I was hoping that my family would remember me.

I guess I am set to pass on this holiday season. I am too broke to buy gifts, and frankly I am no longer in the mood to search for the spirit of anything regarding a family holiday. I believe I shall bake some breads, share them with others that I know are also alone this season...the elderly man, John, in the power chair that always waved and said hello to me on laundry days when it was warmer; my neighbor upstairs, hoping it will keep the peace between us and lower the volume; the elderly lady with the small but beautiful garden that sometimes said hello ; my other neighbor also alone pretty much, though I know he has friends over. And a few of my co-workers who will be working the holiday along side of me. Other than that, my shift does not allow for church time, but I shall try to find one service during my days off, and pay my respects to Christ on his birthday.

I hate feeling sorry for myself, it makes me disgusted with me. But I forgive myself this time, because it really does suck. There was one other Christmas that I spent alone, shortly after my 25 year marriage ended, and that was a ball of fun as well. I worked 12 hours and then listened to someone else's terribly spoiled children till it was time to go to bed.

I miss my Mom. If she was still with us I know where I would be without a doubt, she would not take no for an answer, nor ever forget anyone she loved during the holidays. I love you Mom, and I miss you so much.

k

Thanksgiving

I know that I often rant, and come close to a whine over my circumstances this past year. But I did want to express my gratitude to my family, friends and God for the help they provided in helping me to survive a very rough time in my life. The emotional support was the life saver that I needed to pull myself together enough to start over. I cannot thank you all enough.

I might be spending the holiday alone with Gil, but I am grateful that I have a roof over my head and food on my table, sometimes things I previously took for granted. There were a few times this past year that I feared I would not be able to stay afloat, but somehow I scraped by. I still have many challenges ahead of me financially, the battle has barely begun. But..I am still here.

This past year has taught me many lessons. The value of true friendship, people who are there when you need them, who share laughter and sometimes sympathy or empathy being in the same boat as I am. Who offer unconditional hugs, the best kind. People who can help you move mountains and make you smile while you share the load.

I have also been taught some very hard lessons in trust this year. The person whom you believe in the most might be the one that hurts you more than anything you ever experienced before. You can never really know anyone the way you know yourself, which has led me to believe in myself more than I did before and to forever more be cautious in sharing my trust. Paying back for that lesson? Likely the rest of my life. Fortitude, perseverance, and strength are also gifts learned from that lesson. That and living within your means, and making do.

For the simple things that bring me joy; for the love shared over many miles with my family; for surviving despite both severe emotional and physical pain ( the damn gallbladder); for a quiet and sweet roommate, Gilligan; and for Hope. Hope took awhile to be reborn but it did slowly come back. Believing in myself has led me to take steps I might never have thought of taking before professionally, and it has brought pride along for the ride. And hope will be my silent companion as a new year begins.

I have much to be thankful for, and I hope that all my friends and family know how much I am sincerely grateful for having them in my life. And to God? Thank you for letting me stick around a little longer, and helping me find myself once again. For the beautiful sunrises and sunsets that colored my days and brought smiles of appreciation; the food that sustains me, and the shelter of my home. I thank you very much.

~k

Mixed Day

Off and running this morning, had supervisor training class for 3 hours. Then I hopped on over to the Department of Health and Human resources to make an appointment to be screened for Medicard. Do I think I qualify? It comes close, but by about $1000/year I likely won't. Since that 1,000 gets spent on bills, rent, car, food...it's not like I am taking a cruise with it. But I need the denial to get financial assistance from the hospital for my bills from the ER and surgery in August/September.

Came home, and whipped up vegetable and beef soup for meals this week. It's simmering as I write. I bought Thanksgiving dinner for one on a budget at Walmart, $13. No real turkey, just the processed stuff..and I will miss having the familiar family recipe stuffing..no sense in spending and doing all that just for myself. I could not even bring myself to pay $12 for a turkey breast. It was either go out for dinner or stay home. I feel that going out just blares my being alone and will make me uncomfortable and sad, so staying home it is. If I have anyone from work who I know will be off and by themselves I will ask them, but I think most of my friends are working.

Christmas. I will put up a tree, but no goodies to go under it will be purchased. I just don't have the funds for that. I might make some breads to give as gifts to a few. I intend to enjoy my little fake tree, but will be working the holiday. It makes me sad that so many people come to gamble on a religious and family holiday, but they may be in the same position as me and would rather not be home and blue.

Still have one more delightful phone call to make. I went to pay a bill yesterday at Sears. It shows you just how long I have not been to the mall, (since last winter) the store had been closed for months and I had not a clue. The collector? Is probably frothing at the mouth, and sure to be snider than ever when she speaks to me. I am only going to take that for so long before I make a comment. She had better back off and find polite.

Otherwise a quiet and lazy day for Gilly and me. He is happily curled up on my lap just now..making sure I cannot get away and out the door again today. Cat strategy, gotta love him. He is good company and my roomie.

hugs,

k