Just a note for M

I don't really know how to say what needs to be said. On one hand I fear that I will say the wrong thing and push someone I care about away. Then there is my heart, which does at times feel like a nag that keeps messing with my head. But I will carefully try to let this out without damaging our friendship.

I am not going to say much...just what has been with me for several weeks now. Each day at work seems harder to get through and remain positive. It feels like an endless onslaught from the moment of arrival to the second you finally get to leave for the night. It's a whirlwind from start to finish and You know that it is important that I keep my spirits up and positive. Not only does it affect me, but it also is shared with the people working hard right by my side. We don't have the staff to take on these days of siege, with not enough officers it's the managing crew who have to run to cover what they cannot, and still cover what is required for our jobs. Still waiting for new staff to help us out. If they ever arrive then things will improve.

This keeps me busy most of the time. But when I am finally home my brain feels free to fire up the cells and keep a constant thought in my head. My thought? I wish that things would have turned out differently.
In my heart I know that you and I would have had a blast living together. Not just existing but enjoying life.
When you finally told me how you felt..and I had the vibes for quite some time...it was no surprise to me,  but I am so disappointed and sorry that it turned out this way. I understand wanting to be close to family. But quite a few of your reasons stemmed out of fear, and that breaks my heart. I have never in all the years of our friendship seen you from this prospective and I hurt for you. You should not have to be afraid of change. If we all stayed stationary we would be spectators to life. "I cannot do this because something bad might happen."

I've had change forced upon me, and change that I demanded for myself. Neither time was particularly easy but I did survive to tell the tale. The future I saw for us, after the first months of trial were over with, was fun.
It was laughter and support, taking and giving. A duo of Golden Girls. I know that you too have had change forced upon you..and you survived and are happier for it. So why now? Please don't become the little ol'lady who worries about everything..please don't. Don't be afraid of the "what-ifs.' Woman, you had 1 health scare. I have had 4 and I am not afraid of what 'might' happen.

I am moving forward because I have to. Though I love my Dad, the future out there is no guarantee of happiness. Neither is staying here waiting for something wonderful to happen. It's not the future that I have seen and dreamed about since 2011. But I will take the leap of faith that I will find peace. My biggest worry is being left alone out there after years have passed by. Lord knows that I am old enough to figure it out eventually, and smart enough too. Yet still I wish for what could have been.

You know I love you,
K

Flaws

Flaws, we all have them.  Sometimes we can ignore,; sometimes they come so close they bite us in the ass. We can strive to overcome them, or have them overcome us. Self analysis is a wonderful thing, if it works.

I've looked into my mirror and asked myself how do I overcome? Then I feel foolish when gazing into my own eyes. It's damn hard to be self aware.  You feel like an idiot for looking at yourself and asking those most important questions.

I almost feel egocentric for looking at myself in the  mirror, and more so when I verbalize those questions. Only I can answer, there are no others waiting to council.

~k

Topsy Turvy

Sometimes change happens slowly. Sometimes it bowls you over like a wrecking ball. This past month has been the wrecking ball kind of change, and I am still reeling because the changes keep coming. I've lost more than a few good friends because of what's been happening at work. My plans have again gone by the wayside due to circumstances beyond anyone's control, or it's just fate maybe. So now I wait for the dust to settle and see what might become of all these changes. Where will I end up? That's a good question, and one I do not have the answers to yet. So I wait, at least for awhile, for others to decide what comes next. There is no sense in planning my own strategy until the dust settles. Whatever they do will effect my next decision and direction.

I know now that there is nothing keeping me where I am except for probable employment. These days finding your next job is a difficult endeavor. Starting all over again? That's a scary notion. Taking bigger steps and moving are heavy decisions and not taken lightly. My direction has been thrown off kilter lately. Those Big steps take a great deal of pondering before we can act on them.

So for the moment I am in limbo, awaiting the next big change to come along. Only time will tell.

K

Just in case, here is my update

   I have been living alone with just my cat Gilligan since March 30, 2011. I have considered a few times, since that day, looking for another man/lover/partner. Now, starting my 3rd year here, I no longer entertain the idea of a soul mate, or a man to share time with. Am I gay? No. What I am is comfortable in my own skin, happy with my quiet privacy, and understanding that I am already complete. I am not looking for a relationship, nor cruising dating sites. I don't need another man in my life, and I don't want one either.

  Being a wife (for me) meant being a real partner. One who shares the care for the home, and does the things the man did not have time to do.. Why? So time off for him meant time spent with me.What did I do? Grocery shopping, house cleaning and laundry, budgets and bills, and most of the cooking. I'm not sure if marriage or a permanent relationship made the men unable to take care of themselves, but I guess it was me who felt it was the right thing to do, and that set my role in the relationship. (besides, I cannot abide sloth) Could I have demanded more help? Yes, I likely could have but then I would have felt guilty since I was the one with more time off.

I hope to someday share a place together with a "friend." Why? Because we enjoy each others company; we make each other laugh; and we understand what the other has been through because we listen and care. I also know that they will pull their own load because they have been where I was. I like being 54, age is not an issue for me, only for others who either judge me by my numbers, or are themselves afraid of the golden years. Instead of appreciating what time has given us they are afraid of what might happen. I take each day as a miracle. I have had moments of bad health, but they were taken care of. We do not know what tomorrow will bring, but I would rather not dwell on the bad 'what-ifs,' And instead look forward to the "oh Wow's!"

I do not look for, think of, or search for either of those two men. They have their own lives, and I have mine.
It is true that it was a very bad time in my life after the last relationship ended. It did take me a while to let go. I wrote to release my anger and depression. I write now because I am sharing what I am thinking about, either at work, with the world, or my own family and history. If on some 'rare' occasion they should stop by my blog they should remember two things: Check the dates that something was written and understand that then is not now. 2) I have my own way of saying things, my own sense of humor, and I do not write to please anyone else but myself. Hence, if I feel something should be said I say it with no target audience in mind.

K**~

Why nothing changes

What sets us apart from the early citizens of our country??..We have stopped questioning. We have stopped looking for truth., and a better way. We have stopped believing that a different way could be a better way. We live in bubbles insulated yet bombarded by someone's need for us to buy what they want,; vote how they want. And then..to go back into hibernation and pretend that nothing is wrong. So many remain asleep and refuse to wake up..dreams are much better than reality. It's easier to pretend that nothing is wrong.

Oh Boy!!

I am (Not) wiggling in my chair, grateful for more than one day off. I am not bitching, but the run of days at work started about the same time as my flu/cold. I'm a bit frazzled and need of some quiet time and rest.
I do have plans and things that need to be accomplished..but honestly? My body is telling my brain off with  one liners such s " You slave driver!" " Have Pity please!" etc.

I'll do what has to be done, but no more. My latest schedule change makes for slower days at work, and I will have to adjust to that. I wish Gilly would join me in a night out, but he has politely refused. So maybe this gal will take herself out one night? Would certainly be something new for me.

Have a good week, K

Infinite

Infinite...the purple
starred edges of our galaxy;
infinite...the endless possibilities.
Nothing written in stone,
not a destiny known.
A quiet step into
a tomorrow mysteriously made.

Yes, my words..those that trip from my brain onto these blank pages.
I know I am not alone in those that sit in the hushed dark and reach for answers,
we have the common bond of questions.
If we had Hubble sight, we would spend endless hours gazing
on the explosion of light and dark, as stars are born and died
before we set our sights upon them.
Wondering what was there and what was lost.
Gazing into the heavens we know that our world is so small
just a speck of life in an infinite universe.
Yet, small as we are, we make great to do
over ourselves.
Those that strive for the riches of kings,
and those that pull the mountains of stones in monument.
We have struggled to leave the drudgery of serfdom,
only to have it thrust once more upon us.
When will 'they' know that the time of kings has past?
And that the time of freedom for all should be upon us?
Endless cycle of those that have and those that have not...
we should have risen above that by now.
Just look to the stars...these moments are small
and will matter for naught.
Above us lies different worlds, and different prospects.
Gaze upon the endless night of space..
and know that there is something more
waiting..

~k