Westward Ho!

   I have not mentioned, because everything was still in self-debate stage, that I will be driving off into
the sunset..literally. Heading west, time to leave West Virginia, and all it's (cough-cough) glory. I originally came here with someone that I hoped (at that time) would be the person I shared the rest of my life with. That was my thought...his was a paid for move, bide some time, and kick me out to start over with someone younger.(oh and cheating..did I mention cheating?) My sad tale is but one of thousands. Both women and men can vouch for similar circumstances. That selfish partner? Good bye and good riddance to bad garbage. I've been on my own for 3 years and have happily survived his betrayal.

So..it's time to move and see what life is like someplace else. New opportunities, new adventures, one of the biggest being the first time I will be traveling 1700 miles alone. (I will have a furry co-pilot who is sure to sing his woes for a couple hundred of miles at the minimum) I am not bound, like some people I know, to any old memories or ties to this part of the planet. I am really looking forward to trying my luck in Colorado.
The added benefit is that I Will have family there, and they Do want me to come and stay. That means a lot after some pretty lonely holidays spent here, and I am grateful that they are welcoming me into their home as I launch into a new start.

I'm also going to make myself become part of something bigger. Jump in and make new friends... rediscover the peace that church can bring. And ..the biggest step of all, quitting smoking. It's past time for that change. I want to be able to breathe that mountain air and not be bent double wheezing and choking, heart pounding.

Everyone does the "nudge-nudge-know-what-I mean!" line when they hear I am moving someplace that pot is legal. I have to say, I tried it years ago, more than once..my psyche is really not too keen on how I feel when I do smoke it, so I will likely pass on that doobie, not bogart it.

I have a few months to get ready, and a much needed vacation coming up next week. Mel will be tucked into her air mattress for the last visit up here. We have places to explore and wild oats to be sown.
Watch out West Virginia! One more for road.

~K~

The Heat is On!

The last 4 summers has been an experience I call "Trial by Sweat." In my job I am required to wear a shirt and a jacket (polyester-so are the pants) with a lining,  inside an increasingly hot and humid building. Our guests arrive in shorts and short sleeved shirts, or sleeveless long cool cotton dresses. They claim "too cold" while I stand before them with perspiration literally dripping down my face, and other unmentionable areas.
It feels like torture, and in some respects I believe it is. Is an image truly that effective when the person representing appears to be suffering? I grant that it gets the sympathy vote, but little else.

We have been very busy being as short staffed as we have been for several months. Everyone of us has to hustle though out a long and arduous shift. Tonight I did not have 10 minutes to call my own inside of 9 hours. Yes, there are a small few zones that are comfortable. But when it is close to 100 degrees outside and the air is not working as it should inside then we, the staff, suffer. Then there is an incident in the garage (no air) and I am standing outside with a head completely saturated in sweat inside 2 minutes of being out there.
I feel sometimes as though I am being punished for some unknown infraction. WHY would any reasonable company expect their employees to physically suffer while they are at work?

Image. That is the answer I have received these past 4 summers. We have to present a professional appearance. How pleasant can someone be to other people if they are miserable? The answer is they can't. The feeling of being miserable is all consuming, it leaks out whether we intend to be cranky or not.

I'd rather be outside sweating in shorts and a cool top then buried under layers that would be comfortable in the winter months, inside a building with faulty air conditioning,  Seriously....

Ok..whine over..time to move on.

~K

Yearning

It catches me unawares...the longing to go back. To simpler days..to my youth. It doesn't always happen, but when it does I can almost see myself at 10 or 11 years of age. Summer days spent riding my bike with a gang of kids at my side..flying down small country roads, and feeling the joy of living. We were all friends, and each summer day an adventure. I can remember climbing trees, jumping the creek..staying up late outside and catching lightening bugs, playing kick the can...hoping down railroad ties. Life was so much easier, so much simpler. I yearn for a chance to have a do-over, another chance to feel that vitality of youth.

If we end..do we begin again? I hope so. I'd love another chance to live those years. Especially with the knowledge of my life that I carry with me now. I wish that I could remember it all, even as a toddler. It would make the best home movie. One that could be replayed at will. I know it's not possible..but imagine...living your life over. Creating new possibilities. New memories..new adventures.

It is perhaps my age that is bringing on these thoughts. But how magnificent to live those days again. I miss times that were not so complicated. The sound of my mother calling me in for dinner....the laughter in a room of my friends just being silly....the squishing of mud between my toes...the joy in running and laughing all at once...water fights that circled a home...hanging from the monkey bars...seeing the force of nature and feeling awe at it's destructive powers...bringing home a good report card...playing quietly with my toys...making up a "Play" on a rainy day....

There is so much I'd like to revisit. I wish that it was possible.

K~*

I'm melting, melting...

No, there was not a wicked little girl from Kansas throwing a pail of water on me..it was just damn hot.
It seems every summer (that I have been there) work struggles to provide a comfortable environment for guests and workers. It never quite works though. It does not help that other departments have comfortable uniforms with only one layer, or short sleeves. Security (as has been dictated from above) has to wear suit jackets. So we swelter. If for some reason there is a report in the garage area I could fill my own kiddie pool from the amount of water leaving my body.

We complain every year, and every year we are told 'No.' No summer uniforms, too costly. No working without the jackets...'we have an image that we want you to convey..professionalism..in a coat at all times.'
I've tolerated this and sweated through this for almost 5 years now. The first day that it hits 90 + degrees with high humidity the staff starts to wither and the complaints start. I believe that if they cannot provide a temperature that is comfortable for us then they should adjust the uniform requirements. It would be a great deal cheaper to buy new uniforms then to add another air unit. Or they should join us, in the heat, and in the uniforms, so they can understand why we complain.

My guess is that it will take staff getting ill in numbers before anything changes. If our Core values start with "Employees are our number one priority" then they should live by those words or the promise of them.

Dear Company,
   Your employees are melting and feeling ill wearing to many and too heavy clothing items.
Please do something this year to change that..or change your bogus Core values to an honest one..
"Employees, you are all expendable. Just shut up and work. We can find someone to take your place."

Irritated and melty
K

What will be, will be

I have sheltered here, basically alone (except for Gilly) since March 2011. I feel that the time has come for a change. Time to stretch my wings and soar in different skies. Find new places, new faces, and new beginnings. What I had hoped for and dreamed of, is not going to happen here. So rather than waiting for something else endlessly, I am making the decision to be some where else. There is no guarantee that starting over will be my answer but it beats standing in one place and never making a positive change.

I have toiled and enjoyed working with some great people at the casino. But I have never felt 'right' about working for a profession that is all about greed and false hopes. It's not that I object to gambling myself, but the business is centered around the hope to hit it big. 98% of the people who enter with their dreams go home poorer and no wiser. It is entertainment, but is it moral? To exist only to feed on someone's hopes of hitting the big jackpot"?

So in a few short months I will venture further a field and strive for something that completes me. A life style that encompasses all, and not just work. Family, church, new friends..and sharing time together. I am tired of nothing but work and home. There has to be more. More joy, more laughter. And the location, with all it;s natural beauty is satisfaction enough.

I will say more at a later date.

K

Just a note for M

I don't really know how to say what needs to be said. On one hand I fear that I will say the wrong thing and push someone I care about away. Then there is my heart, which does at times feel like a nag that keeps messing with my head. But I will carefully try to let this out without damaging our friendship.

I am not going to say much...just what has been with me for several weeks now. Each day at work seems harder to get through and remain positive. It feels like an endless onslaught from the moment of arrival to the second you finally get to leave for the night. It's a whirlwind from start to finish and You know that it is important that I keep my spirits up and positive. Not only does it affect me, but it also is shared with the people working hard right by my side. We don't have the staff to take on these days of siege, with not enough officers it's the managing crew who have to run to cover what they cannot, and still cover what is required for our jobs. Still waiting for new staff to help us out. If they ever arrive then things will improve.

This keeps me busy most of the time. But when I am finally home my brain feels free to fire up the cells and keep a constant thought in my head. My thought? I wish that things would have turned out differently.
In my heart I know that you and I would have had a blast living together. Not just existing but enjoying life.
When you finally told me how you felt..and I had the vibes for quite some time...it was no surprise to me,  but I am so disappointed and sorry that it turned out this way. I understand wanting to be close to family. But quite a few of your reasons stemmed out of fear, and that breaks my heart. I have never in all the years of our friendship seen you from this prospective and I hurt for you. You should not have to be afraid of change. If we all stayed stationary we would be spectators to life. "I cannot do this because something bad might happen."

I've had change forced upon me, and change that I demanded for myself. Neither time was particularly easy but I did survive to tell the tale. The future I saw for us, after the first months of trial were over with, was fun.
It was laughter and support, taking and giving. A duo of Golden Girls. I know that you too have had change forced upon you..and you survived and are happier for it. So why now? Please don't become the little ol'lady who worries about everything..please don't. Don't be afraid of the "what-ifs.' Woman, you had 1 health scare. I have had 4 and I am not afraid of what 'might' happen.

I am moving forward because I have to. Though I love my Dad, the future out there is no guarantee of happiness. Neither is staying here waiting for something wonderful to happen. It's not the future that I have seen and dreamed about since 2011. But I will take the leap of faith that I will find peace. My biggest worry is being left alone out there after years have passed by. Lord knows that I am old enough to figure it out eventually, and smart enough too. Yet still I wish for what could have been.

You know I love you,
K

Flaws

Flaws, we all have them.  Sometimes we can ignore,; sometimes they come so close they bite us in the ass. We can strive to overcome them, or have them overcome us. Self analysis is a wonderful thing, if it works.

I've looked into my mirror and asked myself how do I overcome? Then I feel foolish when gazing into my own eyes. It's damn hard to be self aware.  You feel like an idiot for looking at yourself and asking those most important questions.

I almost feel egocentric for looking at myself in the  mirror, and more so when I verbalize those questions. Only I can answer, there are no others waiting to council.

~k