For almost a year after I moved to WV, with the other half (who dumped me last Jan 14th) I commuted back and forth to Fredericksburg, VA, a 2 hr plus drive every weekend, each way. It was a long drive that began a even longer weekend of cramming a work week into a weekend. I stayed alternately at my niece's place or at Mel's each weekend, sometime the floor on an air mattress (which leaked to non-existent on the floor before morning) a futon or a day bed. There were 2 12 hr days and an 8 hour day that came before my long drive. After a while I really felt that I was imposing on my friend and family, but We needed the money that that job could provide. I truly appreciated their hospitality when I needed it the most.
I find myself strangely missing those very early morning drives now. It almost always started off in the dark, and as I approached the halfway point the sun would be rising behind the mountains that I would be driving across to reach my final destination. For the most part there was almost no one on the road with me, and it gave me time to think and appreciate the beauty of the landscape I was driving through. More than a few times I saw wild life on my way to, and before the heavily trafficked area around Fredericksburg., and it was a challenge to watch out for the police with my lead foot leading the way.
I listened to music, some placed on a disc with love (at the time) by my significant other, some part of my small collection of CD's or burned by myself for just that drive. The sun would be rising over the mountains as I approached them, and found me reaching for sunglasses to prevent glare blindness.The pinks, blues and purples of the sky would slowly take my darkened landscape into morning light. It was a time for refection and just plain thinking, singing along to songs, on my way to a 3 day work week.
I really enjoyed those drives until I discovered that my weekends away were an opportunity for someone to cheat on me. Then it became a drive filled with worried thoughts. How could I fight something I was not there to prevent? So I confronted. Loudly on the phone to the woman of the moment at 6am one Saturday morning, as I was preparing to leave home. How did I find out? I looked at the phone bill and what numbers were frequently called by him. Then I looked at his phone, and found text messages of love from her to him and him to her. My trying to keep us afloat was an opportunity for him to play the field. So, ask me again why I was paranoid about him cheating. If there was a moment when I was not around, he took advantage of it. He was like a child who could not be trusted to be alone.And he proved it time and time again.
So if anyone out there thinks that I am unreasonable about how I perceive him today, then you need to have walked a mile in my shoes. He took trust and brutally murdered it, and then cried I did not trust him.. I was happy to sacrifice a weekend away from home for over a year, if it helped Us to survive. He saw it as a chance to cheat without getting caught. And he had met that woman at least once while I was away working. I still avoid the place he said they met, which was at the time about 10 miles from our home. And I still ask why?
Why was he not strong enough to be faithful while I worked to make our ends meet? How could he claim unjustifiable paranoia when he took every chance he could to meet someone else? How could he claim to love me and physically cheat at every opportunity?
I am painted to his newest partner to be some crazy person who makes crap up. I dare say that if she had been me during those years she might feel differently, and I did try to warn her. It seems it suits her fine to be the one that sent me packing. Do I think he will ever change? No.
But back to those drives...they were peace filled for the most part, and lovely to behold, and though I would have rather been near home I went anyway to help US. I was happy to do so if it meant that WE could make it as a couple. It was when I had to chose a local job that unfortunately paid less and had me home each night that he made a decision to dump me. And you do not have to wonder why my :trust:" of him was an issue..I had plenty of evidence to indicate that faithfulness was not something he did well , and my being close to home made his cheating more difficult to do. Suddenly he was always bored. It was inconvenient to him to have me home every night, even though he claimed otherwise. So yes, I did not trust him anymore, it was as though he needed a sitter to watch over his behavior, and he resented it.
After the he proposed I asked him if it was for us, or maybe for the appearance of us to his family, since the question had popped up on a family visit. He took it personally, and that was the beginning of the end for us. After 9 years and his many attempts at connecting with another woman (not me) I had good cause to wonder. Would I have spent the rest of my life worrying that he could not be trusted? Yes, I would have,and no he could not. The ending of us was predetermined by his actions. I just wish that it had gone differently..that he had maintained trust and had been an honorable man. I think we could have made it, happily and lovingly as a couple it not for his inability to remain faithful.. I did everything I could think of to keep him faithful, and it simply was not enough.
k
I find myself strangely missing those very early morning drives now. It almost always started off in the dark, and as I approached the halfway point the sun would be rising behind the mountains that I would be driving across to reach my final destination. For the most part there was almost no one on the road with me, and it gave me time to think and appreciate the beauty of the landscape I was driving through. More than a few times I saw wild life on my way to, and before the heavily trafficked area around Fredericksburg., and it was a challenge to watch out for the police with my lead foot leading the way.
I listened to music, some placed on a disc with love (at the time) by my significant other, some part of my small collection of CD's or burned by myself for just that drive. The sun would be rising over the mountains as I approached them, and found me reaching for sunglasses to prevent glare blindness.The pinks, blues and purples of the sky would slowly take my darkened landscape into morning light. It was a time for refection and just plain thinking, singing along to songs, on my way to a 3 day work week.
I really enjoyed those drives until I discovered that my weekends away were an opportunity for someone to cheat on me. Then it became a drive filled with worried thoughts. How could I fight something I was not there to prevent? So I confronted. Loudly on the phone to the woman of the moment at 6am one Saturday morning, as I was preparing to leave home. How did I find out? I looked at the phone bill and what numbers were frequently called by him. Then I looked at his phone, and found text messages of love from her to him and him to her. My trying to keep us afloat was an opportunity for him to play the field. So, ask me again why I was paranoid about him cheating. If there was a moment when I was not around, he took advantage of it. He was like a child who could not be trusted to be alone.And he proved it time and time again.
So if anyone out there thinks that I am unreasonable about how I perceive him today, then you need to have walked a mile in my shoes. He took trust and brutally murdered it, and then cried I did not trust him.. I was happy to sacrifice a weekend away from home for over a year, if it helped Us to survive. He saw it as a chance to cheat without getting caught. And he had met that woman at least once while I was away working. I still avoid the place he said they met, which was at the time about 10 miles from our home. And I still ask why?
Why was he not strong enough to be faithful while I worked to make our ends meet? How could he claim unjustifiable paranoia when he took every chance he could to meet someone else? How could he claim to love me and physically cheat at every opportunity?
I am painted to his newest partner to be some crazy person who makes crap up. I dare say that if she had been me during those years she might feel differently, and I did try to warn her. It seems it suits her fine to be the one that sent me packing. Do I think he will ever change? No.
But back to those drives...they were peace filled for the most part, and lovely to behold, and though I would have rather been near home I went anyway to help US. I was happy to do so if it meant that WE could make it as a couple. It was when I had to chose a local job that unfortunately paid less and had me home each night that he made a decision to dump me. And you do not have to wonder why my :trust:" of him was an issue..I had plenty of evidence to indicate that faithfulness was not something he did well , and my being close to home made his cheating more difficult to do. Suddenly he was always bored. It was inconvenient to him to have me home every night, even though he claimed otherwise. So yes, I did not trust him anymore, it was as though he needed a sitter to watch over his behavior, and he resented it.
After the he proposed I asked him if it was for us, or maybe for the appearance of us to his family, since the question had popped up on a family visit. He took it personally, and that was the beginning of the end for us. After 9 years and his many attempts at connecting with another woman (not me) I had good cause to wonder. Would I have spent the rest of my life worrying that he could not be trusted? Yes, I would have,and no he could not. The ending of us was predetermined by his actions. I just wish that it had gone differently..that he had maintained trust and had been an honorable man. I think we could have made it, happily and lovingly as a couple it not for his inability to remain faithful.. I did everything I could think of to keep him faithful, and it simply was not enough.
k
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