The circle is shrinking and down to one

I don't think I have ever felt so alone in a house full of people before.
I really wish I knew what it was that I said or did that caused me to not
be a part, a family member, and not a despised stranger., someone who they cannot
even bring themselves to say hello or goodbye to.

People that used to enjoy the sharing of our lives have locked the door.

What could I have said? What horrible thing could I done, that I do not
even remember? Surely something that Bad would have stood out?
Been some storm of a moment that was unforgettable in it's wrongness?

I lost my only comfort months ago. The only part that felt love for me,
the companion that helped heal my broken heart. It seems that I am not
allowed to bring another into my life for solace either.

Now I go to work, to a job that is unfulfilling and does not meet my needs,
and I come home to being separate and alone. Even my old friends
are disappearing slowly.

My life has not progressed, it keeps regressing to become smaller and more
hurt filled than ever. At least in the past I could see where my blunt
honesty and anger had done it's damage. Now I feel like someone stumbling around
in the dark for any kind of answer.

I used to feel loved, if not by a lover, at least by my family.

If I continue to keep moving lower where will it stop? Does my
existence on this planet mean anything anymore? Did it ever?

What a huge waste of time and space I have become. I can't even
write a happy plucky blog anymore, not for a very long time now.

It seems I cannot make a  difference for the better for anyone, but especially
for myself. Making someone smile and feel good was a
part of who I am, and it made me feel better about myself.

I guess that is something I can only share with strangers now.
Passing moments of wishing someone a good day or asking about
their welfare. Here it is ignored, and painfully at that.

 I have to hide in my room, because my presence is not appreciated
and my good wishes or intentions are not wanted. I tried to take the strain off a
few months ago, tried being more independent and not a burden. Somehow that
just made things worse. Nothing was further from my intentions.

I don't think I will ever find happy again, because I am not wanted or needed anymore,
by anyone. I am not going out to search for something to fulfill me, I am done with that,
it just makes for more hurt and more misunderstanding.

I hope my next life is better, I cannot see this one changing. The hope is there,
the ability is not.

Sorry readers. I know that everyone has their own problems and their own emotional
disasters to deal with.  I do wish happiness for you.

I've lost a piece of my heart today

Gilligan..sweet, loving, my little buddy. Slept beside me, greeted me when I came home. Traveled to new homes together  3 times, never cried or carried on, a quiet companion. He talked to me as cats will do, and I swear he understood me. I had to let him go today.

He was 15 years old, and I wanted him to be with me always, selfish but true. The vet said that he had end stage renal failure and diabetes. He had been visibly failing for weeks, his movements slow and painful, so unlike himself just 3 months ago. His eyes sad, dark and pain filled.

It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do, saying good bye to him. I feel like I've lost a piece of my heart that will always be empty now. I held him and cried, telling him how much I loved him, telling him that I would see him again, and wishing that none of what was happening was real.

So many people have said " just get another cat." They haven't a clue who he was, what he meant to me, and how he cannot be replaced.

Gilligan, I hope that we will meet again. Mommy loves you more than words can say. Wait for me little buddy in heaven. My heart will hold you close until that time.

                                                        Gilligan 

                                               9-2004 - 6-20-2018

2-17-2018 (no title)

I'm lonely.

For 4 years I was either told my opinion was not wanted, or I was talked at, as in correcting me, not talking to me.

I'm starting to feel pretty low about it. Holding out for 4 years, I guess, is either me being
stubborn/strong, or hoping things would change.

Even with a mild antidepressant I feel my tears waiting at the edge, ready to pour, but I still
don't want to give in, I may not be able to stop. Can't blame this on hormones, have not had those for years.

I'd really just like a friend. Someone to joke around with, share my thoughts, go out and have fun.

Ok..full whine..I'm so tired of this shit.

Something has to change.


K