Once Burnt

Once burnt, one hundred times shy,

I am waiting with eyes opened wide.

Placing the memories of my past behind me,

pulling the door closed and turning the key.

Turning to face an unknown new start,

a dawn of determination with a guarded heart.

No more heartbreak, and no more lies,

my smile shows hope, and a heart become wise.

I won't be so quick to ever trust again,

sadly, the gift, of an unworthy man.

k

The end to the drama-tossed cabbage at the actor

At last, I'm Closing Souly Speaking...finally. I said my last bit, and have nothing more to add. It has moved past venting and entered repetitive mode. So now I plan to be an audience member only, and I come armed with rotten fruit and veggies....winding up my pitching arm. (the male lead is a atrocious actor.) Just kidding...-oh! Not that he is a good actor, but I'm planning on non-participation, despite pleasant day dreams.

Being accused (yet again) of negativity, in the past, when I am trying as hard as I can to move on, that was one straw I grow tired of fishing out and throwing away. ( see my 2nd to the last entry in Souly) That little piece of history started long ago, on a confrontation regarding..guess what?? Yes, you got it! Cheating. What an excellent reason to be unfaithful, you don't smile enough!

" Why can't you be sunny when I am always moody and talking to other women?"

And continue to use the same crappy excuse for years. Why? Because he struck a nerve and it worked. ( see Mind manipulation.) So he continued to use it. What an excellent weapon/argument. I believe I shall use it...again! -yes, SARCASM.

Once my faults were all laid out before me ( by his ex and N) , and I had said my last piece, the desire to defend myself or rage at him any longer disappeared. I have other more pressing issues to deal with in my life. In some ways she was absolutely right. I did fail. I backed out of my own personal beliefs for a chance at love. And seriously, He really is not worth it. ( And the classy ending at the Walmart? That came complete with a rant on why I did not pick up his prescription...while he was cheating on me and planning to dump me. What a A+ kind of guy.)

So, an apology, belated, goes to her.

I have to say though, I started that relationship believing that he was an upright kind of guy. Even after learning he was still married, I reasoned since 6 months had past that their relationship was over. I did not move in until my own divorce was final. I had no clue that neither one of them would do the right thing and end it, and not take 9 years to do so. Ron and I, with his Father's help again, tried to get it done in the "summer of hell." But the attorney died, the air conditioner and frig died the car died, and he had to have emergency surgery. There went the funds.

His paychecks were not stretching far enough to pay for back support, so..dumb ol' me helped, as much as I could, along with his Father. I gently pressed him to straighten things out, which he was trying to do on his own, when not avoiding. I tried to help fix the situation, not ignore it. If I could have afforded to pay for the divorce( Again, Duh to me) I would have likely done that too. But...I decided that if "They" really wanted it, it was their responsibility, not mine.

The one good thing out of all of this is that "I" do not have to play the divorce game, been there and done that. The bad thing...my gullibility when I paid for ANY of his debts. I wanted a decent lifestyle, and he had said many times he could live with less and had. We did not live high on the hog by a long shot. But it always seemed someone was coming after him for a bill owed, or car problems, accidents, and it was a struggle to pay them, so I did as much as I could.

Now I find myself in that position x 10,000. And despite his message of
"She had debt when she met me." No, I did not. Maybe $1000, on one card. Nothing that could not have been paid off.

I am paying for my stupidity now, for believing in the wrong person. For sharing when I should not have. For coming to WV when I should have stayed in Fredericksburg, no matter that it did not come with country views and a porch with rocking chairs, as in a dream we shared. (It also did not come with a lover who does not know what faithful means.) For not believing in myself more and remaining true to me. I am, at the very least, one of the most honest persons who ever touched his life. (besides his parents) The only person I ever lied to was me, never him. Wish I had been that lucky.

Stop feeding his ego..if there was ever anyone who did not deserve women bickering over him, it is most definitely him. He wants peace and quiet to play house with the baby, let him. I think life will deal with them without our help, after all they asked for it, both of them. Karma to the rescue. (That and baby Daddy and the rest of her family) You cannot hide a wrong forever, I am just saying not doing.

So have a life you all. Rebuilding mine will take time. Sorry, as I said, no good luck wishes for him and the no name- baby- mother of the year- in hiding. They built their straw house together, and it's going to be a dry year.

Good Luck to his ex, I hope she can move on and finally forget him as well, for your own sanity, you need to. And Good luck to N, who always meant well. We could have been friends, I think, if life had not taken the turns it did. I almost sent you "Bonnie Jean" the other day.

I truly do Not want to post, talk, vent, or go over anything to do with Ron again.

He is not worth it, in anyway.

Anyone unlucky enough to fall for his crap, will get the same as I did.

That part of my life is over. This blog was meant for better things.

kel

And to my loyal cheerleaders? Don't you go disappearing..lol..hugs to you both.

A small piece of good news

It is a small piece of good news, I hope it leads to fixing at least part of my problems right now. No..it's not a million dollar win..sigh..wouldn't that be nice. Virginia has finally sent my title ( via snail mail for some reason) to West Virginia. Now I have to wait 5 days and follow up that they have it before I can chance the run to the DMV. And yes, this piece of good news will mean that I get to spend likely an entire day at that lovely, warm and friendly place...lol. You have to take the good with the bad. So if I have to be tortured, at the very least it will mean I have freedom to roam again to get the other things on my list done, and be able to go out with a friendship taxi.

Unfortunately that will mean visits to an attorney, and visits to local tax offices. I know..damn! That sucks. It is a means to reach at least a compromise with my current financial problems. Bankruptcy filed, and a payment plan set up. So I can move on past this ...er..er..oh well, crap. ( There is no nice way of describing it, believe me, I think worse.) And after that, licensing paperwork submitted in full.

When all is said and done, I think I will deserve a really fun day to be planned. Maybe a trip to an amusement park, or maybe a day trip someplace. Anything to celebrate. I am afraid that this is just the tip of my iceberg, and most of the summer will be spent dealing with it.

If anyone has a spare ticket to Aruba, I am game.

Hugs,

K

Nostalgic..and wistful

Sometimes the echos of childhood whisper to me

across years, reminding me of much simpler times.

When playing outside, wading through creeks,

mud squishing between your toes,

and tadpole catching were the events of the day.

When Peanut Butter and jelly sandwiches

were a picnic under an apple tree.

When a tree house was a secret hideout,

and willow branches a headdress, tarzan yells

echoed across the yards.

When wishes made while gazing

at a night time sky filled with stars,

were sent flying to the heavens,

and tucked you in at night.

Yes, wishing upon a star.....

it makes no difference who you are.

Your dreams came true.

(though I am still looking for the black pony that I asked for

and not the car...lol)

sing along with Mr Cricket

A Day off..fairly typical

Had a nice day with Julie. She is a good pal to ferry me around since I am still illegal. It is taking way too long to get my car taken care of. Nothing exciting, just the usual trip to Wally world for food, and black out curtains that I could not afford, but needed to have. Working grave I feel like I live in a cave..lol. Today was the first time in a week I opened my curtains. My neighbors likely think I am a hermit.

Replanted the basil which was getting way too huge for the little pot I had it in in the kitchen. ( I kept waiting for it to say " Feed ME! Seymour!) I hope it does alright outside, he got a bigger pot. I got a small house plant, an asparagus fern to take over the basil's spot in the kitchen. My outside flowers are doing fine, seem to be thriving. There is a lot more individuality in the complex then you might expect. Having lived in similar places in Virginia where no one really did much, quite of few of the either retired or disabled residents here have done their front porches to suit them. Anything from a glider, to a birdbath, lots of flowers, flags. I think it also inspires the younger set, who you usually do not see do much for patios, buying a few plants to take away the starkness and sameness.

We had a nice cheap (with a coupon) lunch at a local Mexican eatery. I was much more impressed with their Chile Rellanos then the last place Julie recommended. I judge most of these places on how they prepare my favorite dish. It was bright, inexpensive and tasty, a good combination. I know I cannot afford to go out often, but it does make life very dull to do nothing but work, sleep, work...etc. I am finding, with Julie's help, some of the hidden parts of the area I live in. Today I was told where to find the good local veggies when they come in season.

I am looking forward to my summer tomatoes...yummy.

My freedom is hinging on said car registration mentioned above. I cannot afford a ticket, I just don't have it, and won't. But it's becoming very frustrating not having any freedom to go out at all. So wish me luck..that VA and WV can get a simple electronic transfer done soon. No other news except that I still do not like using the laundry mat..grrrr.

hugs to all..

k

Now for the positive

I have already blogged, and not yet published on my other blog site, and yes..to some it will seem negative., it usually does. So I saved my perspective of my first day as Dual Rate supervisor on grave shift for here.

One: I have a terrific mentor. Shelley worked for the National Park police in D.C., and is witty and sharp as hell. I really like her. I think we are close in age, she might be a bit older. Though she herself is new to the position, she is just the type to take someone else new under her wing and be happy to show them the ropes.

Two: Interesting job, really, totally different than being a regular guard, and just as challenging as Podium or Control. The difference being you are always on the move, and are dealing with the other side of the reports generated in Control, it is your report. We handled several different issues, two separate incidents of intoxicated patrons who had to be walked out. One got visibly angry, the other was fairly pleasant acting. And one under age entry, not a guards mistake, a runner at the post. I did a fair amount of go-for-ing, I knew I would, but I really don't mind. You have to start somewhere, and being low man on the totem pole is where you begin.

The reports themselves do not seem difficult, it's finding them in the computer that is a challenge, lol. Even Shelly said the system is not set up well.

I get to be a DR every Friday and Saturday night, the busiest times at the casino. My official start will not be until the Lottery paperwork can be completed and passed. For those of you that read the other blog, you know what is holding that up..yup..my torn up finances.

I have not and will not give up. I don't quit. I leave that to other people. The ones that believe I am so unhappy and won't move on.

It is good getting to know this shift, new faces, new duties, even in Podium and Control, a broader perspective of how things work there. I may not be rolling in the dough, but I am trying. I know how limited it is out there in the job market for people with my qualifications. Remember, I looked actively for almost 2 years, starting before I even moved up here. So, if I have to learn new skills, I am doing that now, and have been for 1 and 1/2 years.

I have been told by more than a few people that you don't adjust to the hours of grave. I'll give it my best. I am totally open to working other shifts however, lol. It is just plain weird however to go to work in the dark, and leave as the sun rises. The rest of the world is waking up, and I am headed to home and bed. Part of my appeal to the decision makers is that I am flexible, and I intend to stay that way.

To the folks that think I am stuck in a rut and whining about it?..a giant raspberry is blowing in your direction. ( along with an independent and uncontrolled middle finger..hahaha) I may not make the money that the men in my life have, but I give everything I am to my jobs. I take pride in my work, and look forward to learning new things. And, if I can straighten out my money situation, I will return to school, and apply for grants. I just might give another whack to nursing. If I had a choice in where I work it would still be the medical profession. Until that time I will continue to move forward as well as I can in my current job. If I had not applied myself from the beginning there, I would still be a guard plugging along.

This was a good day..er..night..lol.

-despite the comment that was made.

the reply is coming..but not here.

Hugs, K

wait! I'm putting something here!

And over here..and over there..and there is that corner right there! I am putting information everywhere!! ( doing a little dance..) "Tossing out the informations"..singing a song abouts it...spreading it e-v-e-r-y-w-h-e-r-e.... LMAO.