Where I am now

 I am officially retired now. Because I did so 3 years early I don't receive full benefits. I can live with that. My living situation has been precarious, no food money and past due bills. EBT came through today so I can finally food shop. Admit that my fridge and cupboards are pretty bare right now. Shopping, while physically painful will be appreciated. And for the first time since summer 2017 I have health insurance, Medicaid. Really needed that.

Still pending is housing assistance. I've had 2 eviction notices. Been waiting since June for my paperwork to be approved. This would be short term help, to get me out of the hole I've been in . Afterwards my SS should be enough.

I never thought that I'd be in this situation. Never thought that I'd need state help. But when you're looking at a future that places you in a card board box hungry you do what you need to do. Emotionally in late May of this year I was in a very bad place. Actually wrote a letter explaining my choice to leave everything behind. My Best friends helped, encouraging me to fight back. Find my strength again, to reach for a positive outcome . I've kept that letter in a draft never mailed. It's a reminder that "Yes I can." And to stop procrastinating because it's the big defeater.

Depression runs on both sides of my family. I'm very susceptible to it, especially when I'm panicking, believing that there is no way out.  At least twice in my life I've  considered suicide. What helps me is being proactive. I'm extremely grateful for friends that care, and they've been my friends for over 40 years. Hard to believe that it's been that long . Love them so much.

Enough for now,

K

In the place of not knowing

 That place. When you feel like you are tip toeing a precipice, the one with nothing but air and no ground in sight. I've been running on empty for a while now, procrastinating like an idiot because I want to be retired. I'm tired of working, and I'm tired of working through pain. 

Why? Why isn't my disability on the list? I know damn well that there are many more people out there other than me that suffer through this pain. But SS has a defined list of disabilities on their website. Mine is not included despite the fact that it will only get worse and never better.

It's just swell knowing I'm 1 month out from possibly living in my car, and losing whatever I have now after dumping my belongings multiple times to downsize after failed relationships and moves. 

This is my bitch session. I'm just so tired of struggling to get by. Happy Golden years you all.

Wah wah wah.

K

Prayer for the New Year

 Dear God,

I am am not an exceptional Christian, as I am sure you are aware. I have in the last year or so been speaking to you at least once a day, sharing my gratitude and hopes that my love ones are happy, healthy and safe.

It's been a scary couple of years. Covid first showed it's ugliness and friends and family became victims of a dangerous and invisible enemy. I've been fortunate in that the few members of my extended family that were struck down did recover. Lately though it's poison is touching so many. Friends I have made on facebook are often posting that someone dear to them has passed due to Covid. The news carries stories of celebrities or the well known sharing their grief. I wonder if we will ever escape this time?

The saddest part of living in the time of Covid has been the change from a nation that worked toward a common goal to one of division. That it is so easy for people to be hateful towards each other. Is this mental illness? The outpouring of hate and spew of angry profanities seemingly directed at random strangers. Or has this always been there hidden but now revealed thanks to millions of cameras directed to capture the foulness? This is unnerving and upsetting. This is not the kind of world that I want to live in.

I'd like 2022 to be the year that we allow kindness to wash away our differences, and respect to replace the ugliness. I'd love to see people care about each other again, especially strangers. I'd love to see people embrace the idea that a mask shows the world that you care, and is not an infringement of your rights, A seatbelt is for protection. Sun screen is for protection. Why is a mask considered a tether or restraint? What you do to protect others protects yourself and those that you love.

No More Ugly people. It is not something to be proud of. Help us to find the kindness and share it with others. And before you, the  reader, can call me naive, let me remind you that this is my prayer, and kindness brings hope.It's not an invitation to argue or name call. After all I do not interrupt your prayers do I?

Many Thanks and Amen,

Kelly

Argh!! Pet peeve news

 I read, and I mean that I read a lot. A new book or two a day most times.  When starting a new story you are introduced to the main characters, where they come from, what is their motivation, what they look like, it stokes our imagination. There are several things that drive me up the wall and cause me to growl and shake my head: Changing the description of a character mid story and constantly bringing up the back story throughout the tale, and also,  writing the same story over and over. 

How hard can it be to create a post it note with a character's physical description on it? When the author changes eye color repeatedly of one of their characters I blow a fuse.

When an author has to repeat back story multiple times? I feel like it's filler and they are insulting my intelligence, a sure fire way for me to stop reading their book, write a snarky review and read something else. There are also authors that write the same story multiple times simply changing the names and places. Needless to say I stop reading them, and cannot for the life of  me understand why some readers continue to follow them. After a while I fear that they are being brainwashed. I mean that while Alpha stories are great, their heroines act like spoiled children, and women do not deserve to be constantly shown to act like children, because we are not. Good grief, find something else to read before you actually believe that crap.

I realize that self publishing is an evolving genre. After being dependent on library availability and the elimination of physical bookstores, I appreciate daily the ability to peruse and download books. There are many fantastic authors I would never have been exposed to if there wasn't a Kindle unlimited for me to explore. But where there is great there must also be terrible. I rarely write a negative review, but when I do it's because they asked for it writing something that does not deserve to be in my reading list. Please write stories that are for thinking and feeling adult women. It's ok that they are vulnerable, but please not stupid, who act like they were still a pre-teen who has been spoiled their whole life.

Thanks,

Kel

. .

 

My life these days

 I currently live a surprisingly quiet life but it's not boring to me. When Covid began it's cycle of death I was still working. Thankfully I worked a one person shift where I was alone for 8 hours or more. We lost employees in July which caused the remaining 3 of us to work constantly, 24/7.  After 30 days of that hell we were let go when new building owners decided that we were no longer needed. Thus began my "hermit-tude."

Yeah, not a word, I made it up, but it is accurate.

 I requested unemployment from the state of Ohio. I had lived here for 3 years, and I have never in my life asked for assistance before. After weeks of being shot down by a really poorly designed web site, I gave up. Out of need I accessed my small IRA. 

The only places I go to are the laundromat and the food store. I do not see anyone. The last two moves were friendless, meaning I was never able to make or keep any new friends. It sucks. I have never had any problems making friends at any point in my life before leaving WV. I question if I have changed or has society changed? My answer is society.

I'm older. People assume I have friends and family with me. I do not belong to any instant attention sites on the internet. Meaning I do not do Instagram, Tik-tok, or any other "upload to the masses for recognition" web sites. I keep in touch with some old friends and family on facebook. I only post to my friends, not public, because I despise trolls. I refuse to argue with assholes. I am opinionated and I don't make everyone happy, but fight over it? I'll pass. 

I am too old to care what others think. Which is probably one of the reasons I am not a social animal. Wanna sneer at me and talk behind my back when I food shop? F-you. Most of those people are taking the first steps up the ladder of life. I am reaching the summit. They are so far below me that their opinions no longer hurt like they did when I was younger. I actually pity the fools. (intentional) Walmart shoppers are not entering beauty contests, not everyone is 21, and what the hell, have you looked in a mirror recently? If I was their level of the ladder I would run the hell away from pretend man-boys who rate women in a food store.

So, yeah. My life would be sir crazy boring to most people. I sleep when I want. Putz around cleaning small bits, make dinner when I am hungry, and spend most of my time reading and playing harmless puzzle/card games on the internet. Maybe it's self preservation. I protected myself from a terrible disease. But I also, and this is important, have come to realize that I am protecting my heart from further hurt. Frankly, it hurt bad in Colorado, I felt like I was pushing myself on people to be my friend. Begging for friendship is so not me. I've also been burnt badly, twice from people who should have been my closest friend/lovers. So it took my the better part of my life to come back to what 14 year old me knew, we are all alone. Better like yourself because other people cannot be counted on to stay true to anyone but themselves. This is my life. It's ok.

Hurrah! I am a ARC reader

 Happily I have been pre-reviewing some of my favorite authors work prior to their publishing.

Advanced Reader Copy is right up my alley. I am considering sharing my reviews with my er..ahem..audience. I know damned well that there are not many who are viewing my blog these days as there is little drama to be found, and I lead a boring life, not much to talk about. I am an avid reader, sometimes 2 books a day. I am quite happy with being a Kindle Unlimited member, it has taken the place of me traveling to (now almost nonexistent) bookstores and going orgasmic at the selections. Anywhere there were books I had to look for the next great read.

I started out my reading addiction at an early age, likely due to my mom being the same. So after absorbing the Betsy and Billy books, and the Little House series, I quickly moved onto more adult reading.  My mother subscribed to Readers Digest Condensed books. So I read whatever appealed to me. I can remember actually using a dictionary when I read Blatty's The Exorcist at 14 years of age. At 13 I discovered romance novels, Kathleen Woodwiss , The Flame and the Flower. I've read and enjoyed fantasy, romance, science fiction, historicals, biographies, and horror. I big time avoid political books, and the celebrity of the moment stories. I get enough real life reading the news. Don't get me started, you won't appreciate the rant that will ensue. 

So, if I could have a show of hands supporting a blog page of book reviews I would greatly appreciate it. I know, don't hold my breath, they will find a very blue lump of human when I don't pay my rent on time.

My own quote on reading: Reading is taking a mind vacation, it can take you anywhere your imagination can go.

Kel

12.28.20 

Update: Today I received a request to participate in book reviews from a group called Book Sirens. They post on both Goodreads and Amazon. I applied and will fill you all in on my possible new adventures. Wish me luck!

Someone to talk to

Someone to talk to.  To share ideas, dreams, conflicts, history. The thing I miss the most about the ex-asshole is the time spent just talking. It is something rare, or at least it has been for me. Do I want him back? No. But I do want someone who can spark the flames of my brain.

He does not have to be an Adonis. Be at my own age would be fine. I am not a 20 something plastic Barbie. Not looking for someone to rescue me. Sex? ummm, no, unless by some strange happenstance it was meant to be. And Not a woman. Why? Because I want challenge, and a fellow female would be agreeing with me, and frankly, I'm heterosexual, zero attraction to a fellow female. Why attraction? Lol..because  attraction does spark interaction, and not necessarily a sexual thing.

Somewhere out there is someone sitting along waiting for someone else to just talk to them. Do we have to agree? No. Will there be lively debate? God, I hope so.

To give that someone ammunition, I am a liberal. (in case my blog did not somehow pass that on)
If I had the means I would remove our freaking president of the moment by myself. Since, I do not , please understand a Trump supporter would do nothing but piss me off. So, don't go there, please.

If by some chance there is a 59+ male out there who would enjoy a lively conversation, leave me a comment. I'm not holding my breath. I am not on any dating sites. I don't socialize outside of work, so the odds are definitely not in my favor.

But I though throwing it out there couldn't hurt  Being lonely sucks.

Kel