Wobbling

 This is going to show how old I am but do any of you recall the toy called "Weebles?" The commercial jingle went " Weebles wobble but they don't fall down. That's me, doing the Weeble.

Yesterday was a physically harsh day for me. I hate having to go to the laundry mat. It means hauling bags down the stairs, bending over constantly, and then hauling bags up the stairs. I dislike it so much that I procrastinate hugely, making the job 20 times as hard. I did 4 trash bags of clothes and there are still 2 left to wash. I felt miserable after I finished.

So today, I woke up after sleeping like a log. Sat up, put my slippers on, and stood up. Or make that I tried to stand up. I wobbled. My body wasn't yelling at me, no terrible pain, I just couldn't walk without feeling like I was tipping over. I furniture grabbed to get to the kitchen and coffee.

For once I was grateful to have a very small apartment. Plenty of chairs, countertops, and door frames to hold onto. I have No Freaking Idea why this is happening.

 The off balance issue has been around for a while now, but it's not consistent, it shows up randomly. Today was very different. So far nothing concrete has been found to be the culprit after all the tests I have had. There's at least 3 maybes : elevated white count and weird ass shaped red cells called RDW. Hydrocephalus which I've had all my life; the whole leg weakness. Nothing jumps out and yells It's Me!

I think it might be inner ear, but that hasn't been checked yet. Yes, I do have weakness and fatigue probably due to my blood. It's called Anisocytosis. And the CT of the head without contrast didn't show more than I already knew.

I just know that THIS SUCKS!! How can one person deteriorate this fast? I've only been retired 1 1/2 years. I can't afford much but taking a long walk costs nothing. I want that back. Mobility and balance. I get that I'll never be free of back pain. I'd like to just have one thing to deal with and not multiples.

Angiogram is Tuesday. Hope this is one problem solved. I'm beginning to think I need a genie and not a doctor.

Kel 

Hurry up and wait

 These past few weeks have been a weird revelation. I did find a new doctor, she's great. My first office visit resulted in her ordering a slew of tests to be completed before my next appointment. A DEXA scan, a Mammogram, CT of the head,  X-rays of my entire back, and lab work. It was good to catch up with my body, but it had a lot to tell me.

The back pain that I've had for 6 years after a fall on my niece's driveway? I had at least one x-ray of my lower back in 2020 that didn't show anything. They should have x-rayed my entire back. I have a thoracic compression fracture. Explains a lot. Standing for more than a few minutes still hurts. Bending, trying to clean house, running the vacuum none of those things can be done without me stopping and sitting frequently.

My mammo needs further testing. They found something in my left breast and need follow up. I'm not going to freak out over it until I know more. 

My cold left foot? I have an angiogram scheduled for November 28. Since my last post it's moved on to all my toes being numb. The pain is mostly controlled by gabapentin. It's pretty uncomfortable, but just like my back I've learned to live with it. I'll be a happy camper to get blood flow back.

So yes, I continue to disintegrate. I'm getting a bit fed up with it. Sometimes makes me wish I hadn't given up alcohol. But I won't start again. I don't think that I was an alcoholic. Drank only at home, never ever drove, and when I did stop I didn't miss it.  It was the loss of balance that made me stop. I sure as chit don't need a broken hip. I've been wondering about gummies. Just something that would relax me. My luck 🤞 I'd probably lose balance with that too.

Enough for today. I hope to post good news next time. 

Happy Birthday to me,

K

Mission Impossible

 No, not the movie. Sorry if my title dragged you here on a search. Have a great day and my apologies.

This is me bitching about how sucky me getting older is . I was diagnosed in 2015 with Type 2 Diabetes. Certainly there are millions of people in the U.S. also diagnosed with the same. Our culture and eating habits are likely to blame. There are plenty of drugs on the market offered to treat it. Pharmaceutical companies put millions if not billions of dollars advertising their products.

I did follow the instructions of low carb diet exclusively for 1 and a half years. My A1C barely moved. Metformin caused ridiculous diarrhea. It's a common side effect. No one suggested other drugs. 

When I moved from Colorado to Ohio I lost my insurance. I couldn't afford paying for insurance so I had no coverage for 4 years. I paid stupid amounts of money to at least get prescriptions from Urgent care since I had no doctor. I had to stop taking an expensive drug for my peripheral neuropathy. I couldn't get on Medicaid because according to them I made too much money from my part time job. (mostly caused by their asking me to work more hours because they kept losing people. Those that did get hired were lazy assholes who constantly were hours late or called out )

So, after 4 years I finally got Medicaid. The company let us go with no notice after working us 30 straight days with no time off.) After being refused unemployment I lived off one of my pensions until it ran out. I then applied for and got Social security and Medicaid.

Then the fun began. I literally feel that I have time bombs going off one after another. First my back. I have Degenerative disc disease. It's annoying and painful. Somehow, after mentioning it twice the NP assigned by my provider did nothing to help but mention going to a pain clinic but provided no referral. The next time I saw her I had started to have problems with my left leg and foot. Cold to the touch, toes changed colors when blood came back in. 

The NP ordered an arterial sonogram. I had to call back after a week because I hadn't heard back from anyone about scheduling. Finally heard from scheduling and had the test. The arteries in my leg are definitely occluded, causing the normal flow to push forward and rush back. 

This was causing pain that woke me up at night. I saw the NP again. She, was supposed to, order Gabapentin for nerve relief, and they would schedule further testing. Crickets. I called back twice asking about the prescription and they still didn't have it prescribed. It was almost a month before I got it.

Fed up now I called Humana. Let me tell you that I don't care what others may say, Humana quickly handled it. A grievance was sent to the doctor. I  was assigned a Nurse Case Manager who is absolutely awesome. She took over my fight to get things done. Turns out that the NP resigned suddenly early on. No one was handling her patients and for liability reasons couldn't prescribe Gabapentin for me. The case manager also got me into Midwest vascular where I am having further tests and will likely be treated with an Angiogram, and they were the ones that made gabapentin possible.

Just so you know, a lot of problems that I and others face is because we fit the profile to have problems due to Diabetes, Family history, smoking and Hypertension. I have all 4. Yes, I should quit smoking. But I seriously don't want to. I don't drink alcohol. I don't use any "recreational drugs" , I don't binge on sweets and desert, or regular food. I honestly can't, it makes me feel ill. My appetite has shrunk. I now take a DM medication that doesn't cause side effects, and I've lost 10 pounds.

I'm happy to say that the gabapentin has relieved the foot pain and tennis elbow pain that was waking me up at night. So every thing is scheduled to happen. I'm having a hard time finding a new doctor. But it will happen. I'm wonky as hell thanks to the gabapentin. Dizzy, off balance, having to grab furniture and walls when I walk. I'm told that this will pass. I hope so. I don't remember feeling like this taking it in the past. Maybe it's a higher dose? 

So as I age, which I imagined to be the soft grandma type, I've been diagnosed with Hypertension, Glaucoma, Degenerative disc disease, Diabetes and now Periferal Vascular disease. Getting older has NOT been kind to me. Now my back is saying "Hey, remember me?" And I've lost almost 2 inches in height due to my discs compressing and the cartilage between thinning. It's not a happy feeling. 

So soft grandma has warped into a cussing old lady who battles pain daily . I'm almost afraid of getting older now. All my parts out of warranty. Waiting for the next time bomb to go off. 

After all this bitching I have to tell you that I still fight the good fight. And I'm not unhappy, just resigned . I try to always treat everyone with respect and kindness, especially the team of people who are helping me . My vittles (that's food for you Yankees) get real low at the end of the month, but I squeeze by fore going on what I have. 

I sometimes wish for what I had, the ability to walk without without balance issues. The ability to get things that I

used to take for granted like new clothes and shoes

. But those days are gone. Sorry for rambling on. I do live alone and I rarely get the chance to talk to anyone. This is where I dump all my thoughts. So sorry, not sorry, it has to come out somewhere .

Trouble using this today, it won't let me correct it. Maybe because I talk too much, lol .

🧓

Love, Kel 

4/14/24 Just an FYI, my balance and dizziness was caused by low potassium levels. My Angiogram was cancelled because of this and wasn't completed until 3/26/24. One of my hypertension meds was flushing the potassium out of my body. I'm now on daily potassium pills.

After the boxes are gone

 Yesterday was spent throwing away most of what I had accumulated during my life. It was painful and a severe cut to what had been my life until I settled here in Ohio. Kitchen goods, holiday decor, books, it may not seem like much to many, but it was my life.

Somebody else needed the space. Someones who were younger by close to 30 years. I caught several remarks saying things like " not leaving anything that someone else has to go through when I'm gone." Said indirectly, but meant for me all the same. I'm 63. Not 83, or 73. It felt like " well, her time will be up soon, best clean up her mess now "

I realize that the sacrifice of space had been made for me at no cost. I'm absolutely grateful that it had been offered to me, not being able to afford storage has always been a problem.

What hurts is that I feel written off. What was important to me was less of a priority because of my age. Ageism exists. Funny that only my family is guilty of it. Total strangers,  and closest friends don't view me as 1 step from the grave. 

Heavy sigh. It sucks to be thought of as almost dead. Most of us aren't given a death date until we actually die. Death doesn't reveal it's secrets. It will eventually come for us all, but I'm not resigned to live like my time is up. The lack of empathy is a serious thing that really bothers me. 

K

Where I am now

 I am officially retired now. Because I did so 3 years early I don't receive full benefits. I can live with that. My living situation has been precarious, no food money and past due bills. EBT came through today so I can finally food shop. Admit that my fridge and cupboards are pretty bare right now. Shopping, while physically painful will be appreciated. And for the first time since summer 2017 I have health insurance, Medicaid. Really needed that.

Still pending is housing assistance. I've had 2 eviction notices. Been waiting since June for my paperwork to be approved. This would be short term help, to get me out of the hole I've been in . Afterwards my SS should be enough.

I never thought that I'd be in this situation. Never thought that I'd need state help. But when you're looking at a future that places you in a card board box hungry you do what you need to do. Emotionally in late May of this year I was in a very bad place. Actually wrote a letter explaining my choice to leave everything behind. My Best friends helped, encouraging me to fight back. Find my strength again, to reach for a positive outcome . I've kept that letter in a draft never mailed. It's a reminder that "Yes I can." And to stop procrastinating because it's the big defeater.

Depression runs on both sides of my family. I'm very susceptible to it, especially when I'm panicking, believing that there is no way out.  At least twice in my life I've  considered suicide. What helps me is being proactive. I'm extremely grateful for friends that care, and they've been my friends for over 40 years. Hard to believe that it's been that long . Love them so much.

Enough for now,

K

In the place of not knowing

 That place. When you feel like you are tip toeing a precipice, the one with nothing but air and no ground in sight. I've been running on empty for a while now, procrastinating like an idiot because I want to be retired. I'm tired of working, and I'm tired of working through pain. 

Why? Why isn't my disability on the list? I know damn well that there are many more people out there other than me that suffer through this pain. But SS has a defined list of disabilities on their website. Mine is not included despite the fact that it will only get worse and never better.

It's just swell knowing I'm 1 month out from possibly living in my car, and losing whatever I have now after dumping my belongings multiple times to downsize after failed relationships and moves. 

This is my bitch session. I'm just so tired of struggling to get by. Happy Golden years you all.

Wah wah wah.

K

Prayer for the New Year

 Dear God,

I am am not an exceptional Christian, as I am sure you are aware. I have in the last year or so been speaking to you at least once a day, sharing my gratitude and hopes that my love ones are happy, healthy and safe.

It's been a scary couple of years. Covid first showed it's ugliness and friends and family became victims of a dangerous and invisible enemy. I've been fortunate in that the few members of my extended family that were struck down did recover. Lately though it's poison is touching so many. Friends I have made on facebook are often posting that someone dear to them has passed due to Covid. The news carries stories of celebrities or the well known sharing their grief. I wonder if we will ever escape this time?

The saddest part of living in the time of Covid has been the change from a nation that worked toward a common goal to one of division. That it is so easy for people to be hateful towards each other. Is this mental illness? The outpouring of hate and spew of angry profanities seemingly directed at random strangers. Or has this always been there hidden but now revealed thanks to millions of cameras directed to capture the foulness? This is unnerving and upsetting. This is not the kind of world that I want to live in.

I'd like 2022 to be the year that we allow kindness to wash away our differences, and respect to replace the ugliness. I'd love to see people care about each other again, especially strangers. I'd love to see people embrace the idea that a mask shows the world that you care, and is not an infringement of your rights, A seatbelt is for protection. Sun screen is for protection. Why is a mask considered a tether or restraint? What you do to protect others protects yourself and those that you love.

No More Ugly people. It is not something to be proud of. Help us to find the kindness and share it with others. And before you, the  reader, can call me naive, let me remind you that this is my prayer, and kindness brings hope.It's not an invitation to argue or name call. After all I do not interrupt your prayers do I?

Many Thanks and Amen,

Kelly