Donwannago

Yep..we all have these days..no matter what job, or whoever you are. It does not mean I will stay home, it just means I wish I could. As usual I will buck it up and slap on the uniform and do it. A single persons paycheck is just that. I have no ghost here bringing in more money, lol. What I do have is a mad cat who gets angry when I go to work. Just adds to the guilt and the "donwanngo's."

And really, what else is there to do? If I stay home it will be just me, the computer and time. That is getting old too. Can anyone else say "BLAH?" I have a worker bee's life and a want to be leisurely dream, so no matter the wanting, it's off to work I go. Unfortunately, No Sugar Daddies in sight, lmao. No lottery wins either. Somebody needs to check the record, I am sure I was meant to be rich in more than a sarcastic sense of humor.

~*k

Metamorphosis of a Romantic Heart

Since my days of youth I have been that person who sees the rosy, romantic vision of love. . I believed in Love Ever After, Amen. Through 30 years as an adult I held onto that view despite a long marriage ending and the trials and tribulations of my recent past relationship.

These past couple of days have been filled with quiet alone time, resting, thinking and keeping up with the apartment. That leaves me a lot of time for self- introspection, and I have been flipping this particular thought around for the past 24 hours or so. Lol, I wonder sometimes if others while pushing a mop and swiping spend the time doing the same, or am I a freak of nature.? ( don't worry, the music was playing, I was also Dancing to the Chores, coming to a crappy network soon, be sure to watch.)

I think that this past year has forever changed who I used to be. Funny that I could hold onto romanticism for so long and lose it now. Crawling out of my silken cocoon, I am emerging as an awakened butterfly, but a pragmatic one. Furling my wings, testing the wind, and despite being born to play among the flowers, I no longer believe that Love is meant to last forever. I do wonder that if I had waited 9 years ago if I would still be the Caterpillar, smiling with thoughts of true romance, dreaming and sighing my life along.

Soul mates, another concept that I clung to, recklessly in fact. That particular idea is what shushed the loud intuitions being yelled out by my own heart. What I believe now is that there are a select few who are fortunate enough to find the right person, the other side of themselves. It's a big damn world, and there are no clues pointing the way to find that person. So fate plays a huge role. I do envy them, those lucky ones. I do not believe it can be forced to happen. Nor do I believe that doing things the wrong way will lead you to success, absolutely not. Why should fate reward someone who hurts to get what they want? So maybe there is a smidgen of romanticism left in me, just not towards my own love life. I wish those select people a world of happiness.

Rainbow colors, quivering wings..taking flight..those red blooms look like a nice place to settle for a while. And sorry for a continuing theme...I am still thinking on it..obviously.

hugs,

k

1-26-2016--It has been 4 years or longer since I wrote the above blog entry. I have not attempted nor been tempted to enter into a relationship again. I have decided that friendship is a good thing, but romance is not such a good thing. I won't allow my heart to be broken again. It's all good, that is one less worry in my life.
~KA*

Intuition

Months have passed, time has mellowed that bitter pill I swallowed in placing faith where there was not solid ground to support it. I know we all live and learn. (I just wish I had been paying attention in class. ) Word of advice to my readers...trust your intuition..especially if you are a woman. I ignored mine for a damn long time, and it cost me dearly. Because I Loved and wanted Love in return so badly I blinded myself. My love was real. I will never know if his was or not.

It is never too late to start over again, though I had and still have some resentment to losing so much time, But that was My own fault. Dreams are wonderful things, but not when they blind us to reality. My promise to myself after all that has passed? To believe in me, to listen to my heart, face life with my eyes open, and to not cling to impossible dreams.

The trust issue? I think that will depend on the next man who might offer his heart to me. No two people are the same. Faith, faithfulness and honesty come from a place inside us, either we have it or we don't. If this 'maybe man' has those qualities..there will never be a whisper of mistrust. It's not always the negative side for which intuition sends it's gentle nudges. I plan to trust MY intuition. It has never failed me, I just failed to listen because it was too painful to face the truth.

~*k

Lucky You

(Laughing!) No, I am not trying to start something, nor am I declaring my readers to be lucky to be gazing upon these words. Lucky You is a band out of Harrisburg, Pennsylvania that played at the Casino last night. One of the perks ( or annoyances depending on the band) of my job is that every Friday and Saturday night I am posted at the new lounge. Standing on the sidelines I am one of the team in blue for security, there to stop trouble before it starts..yes that means folks who have had enough alcohol.

Sometimes we get our eardrums assaulted, sometimes we get to smile over what passes for dancing for some people. ( I know I saw an Elvis Costello wanna be last night..who appeared to be doing what a 5 year old does with a broom, pretending it is a horse and galloping across the dance floor.) Occasionally we get to listen to excellent music and do our jobs at the same time, and last night was one of those nights. ( though I must say, radio traffic is really a B**** whether we are transmitting or receiving-we stand almost on top of the bands amps.(my eardrums tickle when someone talks, it's that loud.)

If they ever post that this band is playing in your area go, just go..you'll have a great time. They play a little of something for everyone's taste. There were plenty of times last night that I was wishing I was out there dancing too. I think I have forgotten what that is like having only danced once or twice at weddings for the last 10 years.

My horizons broaden as the talent comes in, and I will be sure to let you all know if the weekend bands are worth the drive. As I am still getting to know the groups, I have not too much more to add. Just remember if you come to the Casino, be smart...limit your drinking. It really kills an evening if one person in your party has too much and everyone has to go home with them. I know, I spend half my time saying sorry to the family and friends who have to pack up when one person does not maintain.

It was a wild and crazy night...we rocked all night long, and I am not talking about just the band. Saturdays will keep you hopping. I've posted a link to one of the web sites listed for them below.

Hugs,

k

PS: this 'young at heart' just joined their fan club...lol.

http://www.reverbnation.com/play_now/song_3397274

Hanging in there

Still hanging in there after a fast paced Friday night as a Dual Rate Supervisor. I was luckily set with one of my managers to tag along getting experience, she's pretty cool. But the hustle was causing me to melt, literally a soaking wet head. There really is very little sitting down on this job on weekend nights, not that I ever expected it to. But when you sit for 1 minute and start to write a report, and have to get right back up and run to another hot spot, it's hard.

I would love to have some sincere computer time to drum in the ins and outs of how they pull up and set up the report writing. Three minutes here and there are not consistent enough to get them set in my brain, I need some repetitiveness to get acclimated to getting a report down with speed and accuracy.

I made it a little further tonight before the solid inside aches began yelling at me. Hopefully the pace we are working will quickly whip me back into shape. ( or I'll pass out while trying, lol.) There really is no other option if I want to keep my job.

Wishing all a good day,

k

Stop that Train!

Stop that Train, the one that hit me..because that is what it feels like.( hey, I know..drama..let's just say it clipped my right side.) It's not really tiredness, though that is present, I have dealt with that before. Nope, it's the inside of my body asking me what the hell was I thinking! I moved at half normal speed today, still got my jobs done in good time. A little over the half way point of the shift the aching started...and progressed...and made it's presence fully known about 1 hour before quitting time.

Somehow somebody got something wrong..take out an organ that your body normally uses..leave a hole where it used to be inside..and expect that one week is enough recovery time. I think it is more in the line of what insurance companies feel is enough time, not doctors. Someone at the other end of the phone spinning a wheel and deciding just how much time a body needs before it is recovered. I'd like to file a complaint, please.

I am so trying to do this without any more of the higher quality pain meds. Ibruprofen worked for most of the shift, but failed to diminish the larger internal aches. I guess it will be me hoping that this too shall pass, it will take a few more weeks before I am up to top speed again.

No problem sleeping today...none that I can foresee anyway. Zzzzzzz.

Hugs,

k

Set to return

Returning to my previous life before surgical interruption tonight. Am I ready? Not sure, the stamina is really not there yet. I am definitely lacking in some zip and wonder how sick that is going to make me feel when I start sweating once on the floor. I guess I shall have to plow through it, since allowances for weakness are not permitted at work, no favors generally given for those who have been out sick, either you are ready or you are not.

I'll post a progress report tomorrow morning, if I can stay awake..lol.

wishing for luck,

k

****

Did not quite make it, hopefully better luck tonight. 9/22