For David, please rest in peace.🙏

 This.morning, after I had been asleep about 2 hours, my niece called to let me know that my brother had died. It didn't hit me right away, at least not until after the call. Trying and failing to go back to sleep I've given up and so here I sit with my coffee, writing in my blog trying to make sense of a sad life and a sadder ending.

I'm going to stop here and come back later.

†""*""***"""""****""***

I prefer the memories of our youth. My brother became an almost unlikeable adult. As a child he was a temper inducing name caller and a mimic. So you're wondering he was worse as an adult? Yes.  Whatever mental or emotional cause he had as a child it wasn't properly diagnosed. When he was in 2nd grade he was tested and diagnosed with a "perception problem". All I can remember is that Mom described it as "if you are seeing a telephone pole that is straight up and down, he sees it as leaning." It still didn't touch on his problems. Full blown tantrums before bedtime every night. Going to extended family's homes and refusing to take off his coat and leave the front door. He did grow out of this as he aged 

He couldn't go up to a neighbors house and knock on the door. As I got older it seemed like social anxiety. But, as an adult he consistently was a no show for holidays and birthdays, especially for his own children who were raised by our mother because he failed at taking proper care of them.

He seemed manic depressive in a big way. He talked about himself like he had superhuman powers (which freaked me out) and then would hit the lowest of lows and say suicidal intentions. Starting at age 15 he found marijuana which became a life long habit. He also drank everyday.

As far as personal relationships went, he had none. He was briefly married because he was responsible for 2 pregnancies, same lady, who happened to be my best friend. My father pushed them into marriage and it was a disaster. He bullied. He selfishly told her that his paycheck was for him, and that hers should pay for the kids needs. He bullied and raged at our mother. 

So yes, the only good memories I have were during his name calling years. After years and years of him not being a part of the family and general strange behavior, I distanced myself from him. So did his children and the rest of the family. He would sometimes comment on my Facebook posts, and I'd answer him.

It does hurt that he died. He had fallen and broke ribs. I told him to see a doctor, and he did go to the E.R and had X-rays. However, he failed to follow up, self medicating with pot and beer. I suspect that he was given pain meds while at the hospital as well. He fell again, vomited blood and died. The police detective had to search to contact the family.

Sadly no one in our family has the money to pay for funeral costs. I'm not sure if we will get together for a remembrance because frankly there were not many happy ones. I cannot afford to fly out or drive that far.

I live alone as well. I don't do drugs nor consume alcohol. My health is eh. Fix one problem, find another. I've told my niece and Aunt and Uncle that when I go I also want to be surrendered to the state. I figure I'll be gone and spending money on me would be against my wishes. 

I wish my brother had had a happier life. I hope that he finds the peace and joy that eluded him on earth.  That's what I wish for all of us.

Kel 

Buried in paper 🤨☠️✍️

These requests for documentation come in waves, usually 4 times a year, And I hate every second of it. Digging through old records, deciphering the legal speak, rushing to copy and deliver. It never arrives singlely, typically it's multiple requests from different sources. 

The pension plan paperwork from a past employer has a total of 33 pages designed to make your mind whirl like a rabbit being chased by a fox. I've spoken with both my bank and said pension company and still don't know what to do. I need expert advice. I've left a message for my uncle for a call back. He's a finance whiz, but I'm not sure if he will be up to the task due to health issues.

The other one is a quarterly request from Medicaid because they somehow feel that I'm a millionaire taking advantage of the system. This time was car title, pension and bank account info just in case I die, since I will be 65 next month and they want my leftovers. I didn't know that 65 was a death number, I've always thought it was just another year.

So yeah, I hate paperwork. That's not going to change, ever. In past jobs paperwork was part of the battle but I didn't hate it. I just hate my own.

Kel

24-24 hours a day I want to be sedated

 So I had my second arteriogram and WOW was it different. In March I woke up (fiddling with my nasal cannula) while the doctor spoke in pig Latin (well to me it was as I didn't understand a word) telling me that I needed a bypass. On Friday I had a different experience entirely. Instead of gibberish it was me screaming "I want to be sedated!" I was later told that I snored in between bellowing for drugs.

Cut me a break, I didn't want to feel pain, and someone pushing a balloon through my arteries hurt like hell. I didn't expect it as it was far from what I had previously experienced. So now I have stents in my left leg, 3 in total. I also was gifted with a grapefruit sized hematoma (bruise) in my right groin area. It looks worse than it feels. The actual pain is the left leg where the stents were manipulated into my arteries.

I'm imprisoned in the apartment as the steps of pain and my manual transmission are no-no's right now. Follow up next week with the surgeon. And for some reason my PC wants to see me as well. Some policy regarding post op. 

I'm praying that this cures my drunken gait. So hoping that it brings my leg back to normal. I still have body parts misbehaving, namely the tumor on my parathyroid. There seems to be no hurrying happening with the endocrinologist. November was the  earliest appointment available. I'd really like to approach the New Year without a tumor. 

That's all for now. Below is my in living color bruise. I guess I should be grateful that both of my legs don't look like this.

Kel

The battle continues

 What to say? I spent 4 hours today in Saint Vincent's nuclear med department, having someone trying to find out why my parathyroid is being a little bitch. For some reason, unknown to me, my parathyroid is behaving blind. It can't detect the natural calcium in my blood and is nipping at my bones to correct it, flooding my body with calcium and not stopping.

I've looked into it and the likely cause is a tumor on the gland. I'm waiting for the results of the scan for confirmation. The surgery can be done as an outpatient, so it seems uncomplicated. But cutting into my neck is still a little freaky.

Put Out one fire out and another appears, I feel like California.

I finally found a new vascular surgeon. He wants to do another arteriogram instead of the fem pop bypass. He believes that he can force open the blockage in my left leg. I'm scheduled for August 30. It's preferable since the recovery time is less. Crossing all my fingers and toes. This whole dead leg has been going on for over a year now.  It's rather depressing. But seriously, I want to be able to walk without looking like I'm drunk especially since I gave up alcohol consumption 3 years ago come November. I don't miss it. I have bad enough balance without asking for a fall 

As to the rest of my life? I've turned into a huge procrastinator. I guess since I have no one stopping by I've given up on being Milly the maid 

I'm at least hopeful that the tide has turned and we, the Democrats, have a much better chance of beating the orange lying blob who would be a dictator. I personally really like Tim Walz, he's a hoot and down to earth 

Enough for now. Not that anyone ever visits here that's actually interested in my life, no comments, all anonymous little mice who want to check on a train wreck they used to know.

Kel 

So disturbed

 Yesterday's Supreme Court decision, in my opinion, is the prelude to the demise of Democracy. It opens the door and pats a dictator on the back as he walks in. So do what you want, no more checks and balances, no punishment for criminal behaviors.

 It will accept imprisonment of proported enemies. It will accept the assassination of dissenting parties. It will allow theft and graft.

 It will not allow for Free Speech of it's citizens. 

It will be the destruction of our constitution. It will be the end of our almost 250 years of Democracy.

So, for all you MAGAs out there, who wave flags and call yourselves patriots, you are the antithesis of freedom loving Americans. You support a man determined to be a dictator and destroyer of Democracy.  Either you are so stupid that you don't truly understand what will happen, or you don't care. You somehow believe that being one of his accolytes will benefit you in the future. Well, the last laugh will be on you. After the election you'll be so much leftover balloons and Trump flags. He has used you, and will forget you, you are a means to an end. Whatever befalls the rest of the country will also happen to you, your vote won't make you exempt.

I realize that Biden is older by 3-4 years. But he has steadfastly supported Democracy and the people of the United States for 50 years. His oath of office means something to him. The only person Trump supports is himself. And take a moment and listen to one of Trump's rambling speeches. Is he really any better a choice cognitively or in respect to advanced age? Personally I think all of us would have been much better off with 2 younger candidates but that didn't happen. If you vote Republican you are casting a vote for Democracy's end. If you believe that you will have a merry and bright life in a dictatorship you're as dumb as a rock.

Kelly 

A watched pot ⚠️🌡️🧯

 Starring at the pot of water, waiting for it to boil. Just standing there feeling frustration growing. Wondering if I'll come to a boil before the water does.

My surgery was scheduled for June 5th. I show up for the pre-surgery anesthesia screening to find out that everything has been cancelled. I'm not the only one, all of the doctor's surgeries were cancelled. I call the office to find out he had an emergency and had transferred 20 patients, including me, to another doctor. I've waited 15 days and the new doctor's office has not called. This was supposed to be a surgery that had to happen ASAP. So I called my doctor's office to ask what the heck was going on. They don't know either. So I wait simmering.

The endocrinologist I was referred to... I have little faith in because his office has plenty of people but claim to be understaffed. Packed waiting room, signs advising that a one to two hour wait was expected everyday. They failed to give me all the paperwork he ordered and I've called twice to get them fix it. Again, unresponsive office staff. I'm fed up. If there is no follow through I'm cancelling my next appointment and finding a new specialist. Oh, and I'll review online exactly why I don't recommend.

I've experienced good medical care, so I know when I'm not receiving it. For the most part I've been very happy with the Mercy physicians. My original vascular physician is not affiliated with Mercy, but the coordination of testing required Mercy to follow through, and they did. These two new physicians are not the same as what I have previously experienced.

Funny how something like this makes you feel alone, unseen, ignored. I'm way too much a feisty old bitch to allow it to continue. Nobody is going to isolate me. I'll roar to be heard and I'll do a nasty review if they continue to ignore me. I'll find replacements for mediocre service.

I'm almost at a boil. 15 days and counting.

****Update****

I fired Dr Moosa and his office of incompetent associates. I'm not going back to that cattle chute.

I haven't yet found a new Endocrinologist. I'm still on permanent hold for vascular surgery. 

I'm fed up, mostly because I have experienced good medical care and I'm not settling for less. It's been almost a year since I first reported my foot being cold. I've had plenty of testing, but seriously, what is broken in US medical care? I'm pretty sure that in other countries I would be well past post operative care by now. My boiling water is evaporating.

Kelly

So tired of this

 So many times and so many people have hurt me in my life. I'm not saying anything physical was done to me. But emotionally? Oh yeah. 

This was supposed to be a good week, my best friend of 40 years is visiting. She happens to be my sister in law, and the mother of my niece who lives nearby. Today was a tragedy of errors mostly because the traffic was horrendous. There was a good reason why we couldn't follow the family to my great nephew's graduation, and I'll leave it at that. Once on the road my stupid phone kept malfunctioning the directions. We got lost and were not going to make it on time.  There was a cake to be picked up from my place and delivered to theirs. I can't count how many times I left and came back to my apartment today, or how many times I had to take the damned stairs. Finally my friend and I were waiting with the cake at my niece's house for them to come back. Instead I received a text from her telling me to leave her house. Essentially I was tried as guilty without a trial. 

So, I'm so damned tired of her coloring me as some kind of freaking villain. I'm tired of her hurting me with her judgement. I'm done with crying and wondering why. Doesn't she know how much I wanted to be at his graduation? If she was sitting in my back seat during that drive she would "maybe" have understood. Instead she is chauffered like a princess because she never even tried to get a driver's license. She's never gotten lost, or if so it wasn't her fault 

I left fast. I was far too angry and upset to even consider staying. I never want to be there again 

So she is like the 4th person who has cut me to the core. I still love my best friend. It's not her fault her daughter is a witch. I hope we can see each other again before we're both too old 

K