Falling into Fall

I know I have somewhere mentioned on here how much I enjoy Autumn. The warm days, chilly nights. Clearest of skies, bright blue and crystal clear. The colors of leaves a startling foreground against the sky. So today I will tipping one toe into the spirit of things to come. I plan on mulching the little garden, sort of tired of waiting for the management here to realize that their mulch ran it's course 2 years ago, not much left. It will keep the bushes happier, and eventually provide me with a cleaner planting ground. I have an elderly neighbor who has done the same, her little garden shows love and pride, a gift to those who pass by. So I am putting my own stamp on this little place.

I will not overwhelm my interior, it's simply too small to go for Fall overload, but I will carefully chose what to put out. It is after all my environment. No more comments from peanut galleries about decorating for the seasons. That is simply a part of me that got worn down by those who did not appreciate it, and my own way of celebrating life. One thing I can say for my ex-husband, he was supportive in letting me spice up my place. Granted I did not always make the best decisions and later regretted them, but I was not held back or made fun of. It would be nice to share this with someone who does appreciate it, but I doubt that will be a man. If it does not have a motor, cause destruction of some kind, blow things up, or be considered a sport, they are not interested.( At least not any man of my acquaintance.)

So I send pre-seasonal greetings to all. I know there are many of us that fall into Fall.

Have a wonderful week ahead.

k

The fire within

I am the fire hidden within a bank of

smoke gray clouds,

burning hot, fierce and passion filled in many ways.

Camouflaged, secret and unsuspected,

at a glance you won't see my depths.

Over looked for younger,

some not seeing a potent and bold lover

that will set flame with a whisper...

surpassing those scheming children with

a wicked grin on my face.

Easy going till pushed enough,

Fair and understanding only to a point,

push the right button to reveal,

the swing to anger sudden and

blinding.

No longer pathetically a doormat that is willing to be used by

anyone, never again will that be true,

in any part of my life.

The recent past has cracked the shell that

shielded me, but trapped me within it's darkness.

I am the fire within, hot and bright,

freed from the shadows and not

afraid to fight.

k

Tap-Tap-Tap! My small Victory dance

I can finally share some good news..I will officially begin my Dual rate Supervisor position this week. There will be challenges I am sure, people will be people and when we are called, for whatever reason, it is generally not good news for them. I figure I will maintain my cool and use brain power, empathy and common sense for the most part. However I have been warned, the day may come when some ass decides they want to do more than run their mouth, as in take a swing. They may get lucky and hit me once, but not twice. And I will make sure that there is always distance sufficient enough to be out of reach if at all possible. Hand cuffing class should be fun when that rolls around, I can see me now, lol.

There is a great deal more to the job then dodging drunks. There is also theft, property damage, medicals, counterfeit bills, altercations over machines..urinaters, indecent exposure, you name it, the list goes on. Oh BOY!!! Lookout..here comes your mother. You are in deep trouble now buddy.

Well, just wanted to share my happy dance. I have a lot to learn, but at least I am on my way.

Hugs,

k

Sandwich Burnout and other sundry

Ugh! Granted they taste pretty good, but I have been making sandwiches now for weeks for lunch and dinner, and I am getting tired of it. So tonight (day for normal people) I set up a meatloaf and baked potato to cook when I get home. It's small, just enough for 2 meals, but a needed break. I feel like I am turning into Dagwood. What makes them tolerable is the summer tomatoes. I am hoping the local tomatoes will still be selling when Mel comes up..I know she misses them. Yesterday I stopped and bought a few, I usually eat 3 in a week, and also some yellow delicious apples. They smelled so good I could not help it.

All the pain meds are playing havoc with my body, but it is better than the alternative. Some of you out there know full well what gallstones feel like, or something similar. Once it hits there is nothing but pain, surpassing from what friends tell me, childbirth pain. After three attacks, 2 that placed me in the ER, I have had more than enough. In order to escape another costly ( and believe me, I am broke) visit, I dose myself when my body starts talking trash to me. It is getting so that I do not feel the effect of the medication other than the cessation of pain, it backs off, cloaked still there lurking with evil intent in the shadows.

Three weeks to go till surgery now. I have pre-op work yet to be done, likely next Tuesday. I've tried to find someway around the rules of PTO and FMLA, and it's a no go, so nothing is happening any sooner. Top that with bill collectors that call me now sometimes 10 times a day. I wish I could do something about it, I really do. But without the backing of the Sunshine fund at work ( and they NEVER got back to me, even after I left multiple messages) I had to move on, and the money saved on my side got spent on obvious bills instead of bankruptcy. I don't know where this will end up, certainly not anything pleasant. The stress of the constant calls is really getting to me now. I am sort of pre-freaking out if they take me to court. I cannot afford a lawyer, and I do not have the money to pay any of them squat. Top that with medical bills that are floating in daily as well, and picture me muttering opening each one. I am surprised I have hair left..pulling on it as I am.

Going to try and slip back into sleep. As usual my sleep schedule got shot to hell during what is my weekend. I really would not mind if there was some sort of compensation for working Grave, but there isn't. Hoping that someday in the future I can return to swing shift and normalcy.

Wishing all the 9-5-ers a good weekend ahead. As long as there are no call outs (hahahahah!) I might actually get to have my office time this week and wear the blue for the first time this Friday. The class needed for Table drop was yesterday at 0730...up at 530am, hence my whacked out sleep schedule. Cross your fingers for me..I was the first picked and will be the last trained..sigh..and I want to be able to celebrate my small victory with a fancy and frantic happy dance.

Hugs, love

k

PS: This year...it just keeps getting better. Small victories I can celebrate..but overall I have been F-d since January. I am trying very hard to remain upbeat. Again, I thank the person who started this ball of hell rolling along. I do not have revenge in my heart, it seems pointless, especially since in my own weird ass way I still miss him and wish he had not given up so easily.

Easy for him, hard as hell for me.

Caution! : cleaning your bathroom causes earthquakes

So there I was, innocently cleaning my bathroom when the window next to me, the china cats on the shelf next to me, all did a little dance, and you could hear it too..seemed like a muffled roar. Your mind naturally asks why and fills in the blank with the scary stuff. Having lived in Southern California for 9 years, I know what quakes feels like, but have never experienced one here on the East Coast. They happen all the time but we normally cannot feel them.

It was just a little spooky. After checking outside just in case there was more to follow...I returned to my regularly scheduled cleaning. Shaking up things does tend to get everyone's attention..at least for 20 minutes.

hugs

k

Rolling on the stretcher

Another week and another visit to the ER. This time from work. All I have to say is that when that kind of pain hits you you don't care about anything except the end of that pain. Make it stop was a moaned litany in my head. A damned bumpy ride with me not being able to hold still, unable to answer simple questions. Swarmed by nurses on arrival to slap EKG leads onto my covered with sweat body, and finally an IV and the pain fading.

This surgery cannot happen soon enough, I do not need or want another reminder that something inside me is not working right. Just fix it damn it. Enough already.

One day off mostly spent sleeping and I return tonight, hopefully to all being normal and a regular work night. A packed lunch, (so Not having cafeteria food again till after the surgery is completed) and me, sort of stretched thin right now. I don't have enough 'umph' to deal with more right now. I hope the world and the angels understand that, please do not put more on my plate, I am full.

Will check in again later. I was not able to make phone calls on friday, too washed out and under the influence of pain meds. I have to see about moving this surgery forward. I'd rather be in pain recovering then going through another episode of hell.

hugs,

k

Curses, Morphine and more Curses

It started out to be a good night last night, a bit on the slow side, not too shabby, but I KNEW I should have brought my own lunch, damn it. Meatballs, rice gravy and lima beans was the menu of the day in the cafe at work. For $3.75 I purchased myself another visit at the local E.R. Covering Podium during break, doing ok, then uh-oh. As they were calling a minor medical in another part of the building, I was leaning against the wall, head first and praying this was not happening again, and at work too. I had been very careful of what I was eating, no alcohol, not a lot of caffeine, and drinking a great deal more water than I normally do.

I hate calling a medical on myself, I cannot stress that enough. When Shawn popped open the door and saw tears pouring down my face he quickly shut it. When Eric Woods came into the room I was at the point of looking for someplace to curl up and die. The poor new guy from Emergency Medical Services looks about 15, but I know he is married and older. I could not sit still long enough to take a blood pressure so he put oxygen on my face and asked if I wanted 9-1-1. Oh yes..please. (I don't think it came out quite like that) I was alternating a moan ( I was trying to not scream) and getting louder and cursing. Sweating and crying I looked up to see a look of almost horror on Eric's face. I don't think he was disgusted, I think he felt helpless. You don't know quite what to do with yourself when presented with a family member or friend in that kind of pain. You do what you can and stand back. I know, I have been there.

Last time I took the ambulance ride I almost felt foolish because what I had experienced was almost past when I sat in the back. This time they could not get a Blood pressure reading either, too much movement on my part. I barely registered any of them, but I do recall the damn bumps we hit on the way there.

Into the E.R., they had trouble slapping on EKG leads, my entire body was covered in sweat now, head soaked. No pain meds yet, trying to answer questions, but I think all I could manage was " august 2nd...visit..look it up. Finally an IV and morphine, which did not knock me out. The pain scale slipped from a 10+++ to a 5 and I could talk again. Nothing they gave me completely got rid of the pain, I was alert and oriented enough to step out of my room holding the IV bag and saying I was going outside to smoke. ( at least 2 hours had gone by) Accompanied by a Nurse ( who also smoked) I flashed my granny panties at the world and went out. I did not care who saw me.

Mel kept me company via text messages, I was out of phone minutes. I Hope you were able to get some sleep, and thank you, from the bottom of my heart for holding my hand long distance. Hugs.

Concluding..no return to work till Saturday night. My white count was elevated indicating that there might be an obstruction as well as gallstones. I was told this would only get worse..(OH MY GOD..NO IT WON"T) and encouraged to move the date of surgery earlier. Sent home on Augmentin as an antibiotic (big strong bug killer) Phenergan for nausea, and Vicodin. This is the third pain killer I have been prescribed thus far. I feel like a walking pharmacy. I've just got finished dragging my butt through Walmart, and finally am sitting in my own room.

I know this makes it look like I am a medical disaster story, but my EKG was normal. I have only had one cold this year., despite smoking my chest is clear. From what I understand gallstones are formed because of living, nothing more. I have talked to quite a few friends and strangers who have also had theirs removed. I want them gone..seriously, I have never felt pain like this before in my life, and never want to again. I hope no one has to feel that way, it completely sucks. When they said it was like birth pain I wanted to hit someone...no baby there..just stupid stones.

done..will likely be crashing soon

Vicodin + Phenergan=sleep.

say a few prayers, please. I could use some.

k

Ready? Not really

Ready to start another week? Not really, did the other truly end? Lol. OT on Grave seems like a rip off. On swing I could work an extra day and still have 2 off. On Grave it barely feels like one. You leave work at 7 am on your day off..hey..wait..I was at work on my day off? Geesh.

Not a lot accomplished, just the bare bones; clothes for another work week, small shopping, putzing, and a haircut I am as usual not pleased with. I don't think there have been many times in my life that I have been completely happy with the cuts I received, maybe once in a blue moon. I wanted to keep the length, just a trim of my bangs which seem to grow faster then the rest of my head. I've never had anyone just randomly chop pieces of my hair before in such record time. Since I am broke, I also opted for no blow dry. ( how come using a hair dryer costs me $5?) Instead of combing it so I would not leave looking ragged, I got a hand tossed head and out the door I went. Seems even in discount hair cuttery's you get what you pay for. Once home and looking in the mirror the growling began. Again. Perhaps I should learn how to cut my own hair, that way I can get mad at myself.

**note: I'm already snarling at myself for my bad choice in a temporary color. All I need are horns now...lmao.

This work week will bring (hopefully with no call outs) some 'in the office training' for supervisor reports. Once that is done I will supposedly get to wear blue. Not holding my breath. Seems I was the first picked and the last to don the mantel, always staffing as the reason I am not moving forward. Perhaps if they rewarded Grave workers for the crappy personal life we have as the result of our hours, and the lack of real time off we would keep more workers. Yes, I could hold my breath, but I don't wear blue skin well, except in battle.

I also have more dreaded paperwork to go through for FMLA, that is not something I can put off.

The bills for the E.R. visit have also started to roll in..excuse me...hahahah. Sorry. (hysterical laughter time)

This summer seems to have flown by, fall approaches on rapid feet. Am I ready? Always, it's my favorite season. My once planned for short break will instead be a recovery period but there's no getting around that. I understand from others that taking the ol' gallbladder out might be a diet aid, lol..but with my metabolism I am not counting too much on that. I just have to be different because God said so. Being in this same unpredictable body for 51 years I've sort of gotten used to that. Wishing you all a good week or weekend for the normals....

k

Smiles

A reminder for myself...as observed by a well meaning friend.

I need to smile more often,

to forget my troubles for a while,

to laugh out loud, show my teeth,

and knock em over with a killer smile!

I need to smile more often,

watching life as it travels along,

to clear my throat, sing off key

and laugh my way through a song.

To make certain I'll smile more often

I'll beg others to tell me a funny,

a stitch in my side, a gasping giggle

and me holding onto my tummy.

I need to smile more often,

and not on such rare occasions,

for it warms my heart,

makes me forget,

life's hard to take rationalizations.

I need to smile more often,

life's too short to be stingy with my grins;

I'll chase away gray skies, show em my choppers,

and let the sunshine in.

I do need to smile more often,

so if you see me wearing a frown,

take a second to make a funny face,

and I promise I won't let you down.

*everyone needs a reminder now and then.

k

Surprise visit!

A surprise visit from my favorite Aunt and Uncle! I'm wondering if I am up to the inspection. Not worried about the place, I keep it clean enough with my OCD. But last time I visited them I had a fiance along with me. I know there will be questions, there always is. Family and friends want to know what is happening in our lives, not for nosiness, but because they care. Maybe I should have given them directions to Ford Circle and let r explain. That would have been a hoot! Worth a buck or two of viewing pleasure, at their cannot be helped displeasure, and his moment of sheer and total discomfort.

"Uh..Uh..Uh..she does not live here anymore."

"what? when,?why?"

---> here is where I wonder if the real truth would be told, and I sincerely doubt it. Even I have not heard that yet.

Fumbling for a really good excuse when you are facing your ex's family? That would be priceless.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Will not publish this till after they visit. Lol..two blogs in one.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A very nice visit, the both of them have always been 2 of my favorite people since I was much much younger. Yes, questions were asked, I had no problem sharing some of my news from last few months. I only wish they could have stayed longer. Uncle John is now retired, Aunt De still working, and going out for back surgery at the end of this month. I truly hope that I get to see them more often. Christmas time was mentioned, and that would be so cool. Something about the season that I can actually look forward too, since I am half dreading the silence and the pain of being alone for the holiday.

I lived with someone for nine years that always hated that holiday. From December 5th through January 5th his mood would dive. From someone who says they are Mr Positive attitude, he needs to take a step back and ask why he is so determined to ruin his own peace in the season every single year. It was relayed before I left that he would "thankfully" not be celebrating Christmas this year. **Me, the Christmas enforcer..the Killer Elf.**

Yes, I did try during those 9 years to give the season a new meaning for him, and not let him fall into the doldrums. It is like any day what you make of it. Quiet joy and small surprises were what I had wanted to share with him, hoping that he would welcome a different take on a season that he has such a hard time dealing with. I believe that he instead prefers to celebrate the anger and sadness from his past because that is what he wants to happen.

Well enough rambling, bedtime here very soon. I do have one message to share from my Aunt to 'him' if he chooses to read this blog. She asked me to pass this on if I had the chance, then proceeded to say " Tell R we said "fuck you." Yup, that shocked me into laughing, very unexpected.

First I would like to clarify that none of my older family use words that to them are swear words very often. When they do use them it means there is true feeling behind them. ( Most of us today use those words which were once taboo to the generations before us like we were not swearing. They have become just another part of our vocabulary or slang. ) When she said that my mouth kind of fell open before I started to laugh. So, you can bet she really meant what she said. What a shame Mr r, for you had made a fairly favorable impression on them last summer. I was proud to sit on their deck and have you by my side, glad that you all were comfortable and enjoyed each others company. I was sharing you with two of the coolest relatives I know, folks that I respect and love, and I wanted you to be part of that too. You were my family, my closest friend, someone I loved and wanted them to love.

Well, that's gone. I think you would have loved being part of my family. I did very much enjoy being part of yours, Sherryll and all of her brood, the more the merrier. I feel it is a great loss for you to have lost the new extended family of cool people that would have been part of your life. Eh..enough. Too bad so sad for you.

Yack later,

k

ps: I know if you read this you will have some sarcy answer about me or my family, and not needing them or me. Or your traditional " You just don't get it" answer. I 'do' get it, you don't, and that is your loss. Your take on this matters not, it's just another way that we are different in how we view living.

Horoscope Promises, promises

who me? I did not do that!"
Hmm..my Facebook daily horoscope ( which I hope you know I don't take much stock in believing) said that I would be getting a gift, or gift exchange at home today. Since I live alone, I figure that means Gilly the cat will be sharing a hairball with me sometime for my viewing and cleaning pleasure. The cleaning being my giving back, lol. You know it is fun to read them ( horoscopes that is, not hairballs) especially when they portend good news. Since I live alone, and Gilly is my only roommate, I find it kind of doubtful that he will be wrapping and presenting anything else. Of course, a nice purr is pretty decent gift as well, and those he does share with me daily. My gift to him? Open windows, the air is dryer and temps are quite nice this morning.

(ps: I just got my gift, a scratch, as I am in the way of the window and needed to be climbed over. So much for my gift, hymph!))

Side note:

Why do we dream of our partners after we are no longer partners?? This has happened twice in my lifetime so far. When together I had no night time dreams involving them. After parting they show up at a greater frequency, and those dreams are doozies, really. Last night a farmer's cow was somehow involved in an accident with my ex, who proceeded to defend himself to the town about how it was the farmers fault. Then there was a marriage in a field with me be given away by his daughter and an older woman, they taking the place of the traditional father role. There was a table with a candle, some sort of delay,(not me for a change) and part of the ceremony. It's just weird I tell you. I was not thinking ANYTHING that comes close to that during the day. I've mulled it over in my mind and decided that this was my brains version of "bull-sh**ing" me..that being what the cow and the marriage had in common..a cow patty.

Hope that everyone is having a good week. Crazy night in control at work last night, half of it computer problems. We use Word, with auto-correct for frequently used names, places, etc. Every once in a while it decides to change every name on the log to one Officers name. What a pain in the tail. I called IT, this is the second or third time that I have let them know about the problem, and I am still not sure if it is fixed. I am not alone, I've polled other Control officers. Add that mess to every slot machine in the place being pulled, medicals and regular traffic and it makes for an interesting night.

Hugs to All,

K

A peek inside

Well a peek hopefully, I'd rather not have it go further and cannot afford more time off. What? Lol..Laproscopic surgery. I am set for Sept 12, Mel will be keeping me company to make sure I don't decide to go hang gliding or rock climbing afterwards. Actually, we had set this week up earlier for long awaited 'hang out and have some fun time", unfortunately fate and my body had other plans. Still, she will do her best to make me laugh until I groan. Despite the circumstances I am really looking forward to her coming up.

Made my initial calls for FMLA yesterday and the paperwork should be in the mail this week. Have my pre-op checklist to complete as well. Plus some extra time at work coming up for a class and OT. I hope to not be out longer than predicted. I will be busy the next couple of weeks.

Side note:

I've noticed I am talking out loud to myself more often, startling people from Walmart to Doctor offices. If I can tell they heard me I generally just explain " sorry, talking to myself," and they laugh and move on. Too much time alone? Maybe, but I have in some ways always done this. So far I have not had a 2 way conversation with myself. That would be interesting, especially if I get mad and decide to argue with me. LMAO

Work week about to begin. Wishing everyone well and have a great week.

hugs,

K

The weekend is here...

I know other people have normal schedules, but mine is always topsy turvy. My weekend begins Monday morning at 7:01 a.m. I return to work Wednesday very late, and I am never quite sure what to do about my sleep schedule on my days off. Do I keep the stay up all night and sleep during the day? Or try to have a normal life by staying up 24 hours? It's no wonder I am screwed up! (not)

It has been an interesting week, though it ended on a boring note. Standing on a post ( after almost 2 years at the casino) is deathly dull when there is no real traffic. I pace in a small space quite similar to a tiger in a cage, because standing in one spot quite honestly hurts. All I would have to do was to start talking and muttering, throwing up my hands and someone would call for the guys with the nets. When I am freed by the following guard I take off, walking anywhere and everywhere unless I am called to escort, and that's cool, I am at least moving.

I now have my temporary Level 1 license, which means officially I am a Dual Rate Supervisor, but because we have lost so much staff on all shifts I cannot yet wear the blue coat and begin true on the job training. I had maybe 2 days after my transfer to Grave shift to shadow someone. Ever since then I have been relegated to wearing the Gold coat and remaining a Podium and Control officer, or as I stated above, standing post. I am anxious to begin, but word has it that it will be September before I can dive in. I would not mind so much except the higher pay waits till that happens as well, and my readers should know I am hurting for money badly.

This week I also touched base with the "weiner head", because I felt I could handle a friendship now, better than I could before. But oops, my bad..he does Not Want. For all the years I was told that "I" was the broken one, I think he was and is quite wrong. He has been broken far longer than I, and is not repairable. I am still leaning towards believing that all his cheating, always wanting something better, hurting and destroying relationships will place him alone and more bitter than I could ever become. He still places himself at some higher level than myself and the rest of humanity. I hope the replacement has a strong backbone or she too will be molded down to a shadow of what she was. He says he is sorry for the hurt and wishes to cause no more.( and it sure seemed he was talking down to me while doing so.) No worries Dude, you did not hurt me by turning away friendship. I rolled over, said " oh well" and went to sleep.

I guess that his version and my version of friendship are two separate things. I believe you can never have too many friends. Because we did share some good times and laughter I thought it worth a try. It's Not wanted so no big deal. It was hard as hell to forgive what happened to me, and words that say " I don't want to hurt you anymore," mean nothing to me but an escape clause, like it was said by route, designated to sound right. Plenty of hurt was inflicted and on purpose, that was no accidental destruction. I will never know what flipped his switch from love to abandonment, and it no longer matters.

I plan on following sage advice shared by 2 friends. I will live well, I will be happy, and bit by bit I will move on towards my future. I still slip now and again, but it's much rarer now. I should tell him thanks. Why? Because living with him always made me feel like something was wrong with me, and he enforced that because it just could not be him. I'm fine, a little beaten up but healing. When I look in the mirror these days, I see a mature woman who surprisingly is pretty, inside and out. When I was with him I'd look in the mirror for flaws. That says a lot. I am no longer "not good enough" I am pretty damn good. Too bad, so sad for you Herr Weinerhead. I am also a pretty good friend to have because I treasure the friends I do have, and they in turn make me feel good about myself.

hugs to my friends,

k

The end to the pain..hopefully

I am scheduled to see a surgeon next Tuesday, and hopefully the surgery will be on September 12th. As I sit here Mr (it cannot be a girl, way too annoying) Gallbladder is giving me good twinges. I swear I have been good, nothing in my diet to irritate it, no booze, taking my anti-cholesterol pill too. I keep telling it "stop! Now, I mean it!" I don't think he is listening.

I do not want another attack like the one I had on Tuesday, because if it does, doubled over or not I am driving myself to the hospital. ( I just cannot afford any of this, any of my blog followers would tell you that.) Clutch or no clutch, I'll drive there in first gear if I have to go. I dread the bills yet to come.

If any of you see my pot of gold, please return it. Seriously, I keep losing the damn thing.

Now..where did I put it? Hmmm...

k

Simply Missed

The tender touch of a gentle hug

with my head resting on a broad strong

chest, a steady heartbeat;

sighing because it feels so right.

Arms that wrap around you

feeling protected and loved.

No spoken words,

just relaxing, breathing,

nothing feels quite like it.

A hug.

Would feel so very good right now.

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It really is amazing, the power of the Hug. Whether it is from parent to child, child to parent, lover to lover, or friend to friend. One of the most beautiful people I have ever known was a "hugger." No matter who, no matter where, if she felt that you needed a hug she gave you one. Oft times when she spoke she was misunderstood, but those hugs never were. And when she left us for God her hugs were what people remarked that they would miss.

When it seems all of life is against you, or you could not have had a worse day, a simple hug can do so much to take away that stress and give you a fresh outlook, without the doom and gloom; and make the lonely feel loved. Which is why..I am asking for a hug....lol. If Miss Charlotte were still here I would drive all the way to Southern MD and ask for one. ( but she would know just by seeing me I needed one.) Right now I believe she is passing them out in heaven.

And I am still looking for a hug.

many hugs to all my friends,

k

Not going to make much sense tonight...

Still floating on ativan and pain pill, my body has technically been sleeping for the last 24 hrs, but it keeps telling me that more sleep would be a good idea now. Had an unexpected and unpleasant reminder of my human frailty yesterday. You know I wrote a previous entry on being in pain and being alone. Well, it happened again yesterday. The previous attacks were fairly short. This time it was over an hour of pain that would not quit. I finally gave in and called 911, something that I truly did not want to do, but driving to the hospital was not an option, and there was no one else I could call upon. it being early morning hours. Names popped into my head and were quickly let go, because I was afraid I would be refused, and personally I was at my zenith for pain at that particular time.

Gilligan tried to help, but he still does not have a learner's permit so he could not take me.

So I got a ride in the red and white box. Of course, accordingly to all things Murphy, the pain started to dissipate once the ambulance crew arrived. My BP was 170/1oo and still 164/101 while in the er. I had blood work and a sonogram and waited. The good Dr Allen came in to tell me that I was in for a treat, an overnite stay. Yay--I thought. Nothing by mouth for 24 hours, no matter my mouth was sahara dry. My Lipase, which is a pancreatic enzyme was 600 instead of normal 50. The sonogram showed stones. So they needed to bring the pancreas back to normal before I could leave. I slept for the most part having Dilaudid in my IV (which gave me a pounding headache) and then that was replaced by Ativan, and a snoring I went. After eating two meals today I was released with instructions that I would have to have surgery.

Unfortunately, using FMLA at work requires that I use vested time off, and that won't be till Sept 14, when Mel was already scheduled to come up and visit. I fear I won't be a terrific hostess, and that sort of bums me out, she helped a great deal last time she visited, I wanted to make this time fun for her. The doctor wants me to have the surgery within the next week. Sadly, I will not have the time off from work to pay for those days until Sept. So I will have to call and explain,

and seriously pray that I won't have another attack before that time.

I ask you my readers...do you not feel/believe that it is time for something good to come my way?? Am I not over due for fun times and less worry/stress?

I sure think so..I placed my order months ago.

anyway..zzzz time for me

k

ps: No extra drama added, the real thing was quite sufficient. Argh.