The weekend is here...

I know other people have normal schedules, but mine is always topsy turvy. My weekend begins Monday morning at 7:01 a.m. I return to work Wednesday very late, and I am never quite sure what to do about my sleep schedule on my days off. Do I keep the stay up all night and sleep during the day? Or try to have a normal life by staying up 24 hours? It's no wonder I am screwed up! (not)

It has been an interesting week, though it ended on a boring note. Standing on a post ( after almost 2 years at the casino) is deathly dull when there is no real traffic. I pace in a small space quite similar to a tiger in a cage, because standing in one spot quite honestly hurts. All I would have to do was to start talking and muttering, throwing up my hands and someone would call for the guys with the nets. When I am freed by the following guard I take off, walking anywhere and everywhere unless I am called to escort, and that's cool, I am at least moving.

I now have my temporary Level 1 license, which means officially I am a Dual Rate Supervisor, but because we have lost so much staff on all shifts I cannot yet wear the blue coat and begin true on the job training. I had maybe 2 days after my transfer to Grave shift to shadow someone. Ever since then I have been relegated to wearing the Gold coat and remaining a Podium and Control officer, or as I stated above, standing post. I am anxious to begin, but word has it that it will be September before I can dive in. I would not mind so much except the higher pay waits till that happens as well, and my readers should know I am hurting for money badly.

This week I also touched base with the "weiner head", because I felt I could handle a friendship now, better than I could before. But oops, my bad..he does Not Want. For all the years I was told that "I" was the broken one, I think he was and is quite wrong. He has been broken far longer than I, and is not repairable. I am still leaning towards believing that all his cheating, always wanting something better, hurting and destroying relationships will place him alone and more bitter than I could ever become. He still places himself at some higher level than myself and the rest of humanity. I hope the replacement has a strong backbone or she too will be molded down to a shadow of what she was. He says he is sorry for the hurt and wishes to cause no more.( and it sure seemed he was talking down to me while doing so.) No worries Dude, you did not hurt me by turning away friendship. I rolled over, said " oh well" and went to sleep.

I guess that his version and my version of friendship are two separate things. I believe you can never have too many friends. Because we did share some good times and laughter I thought it worth a try. It's Not wanted so no big deal. It was hard as hell to forgive what happened to me, and words that say " I don't want to hurt you anymore," mean nothing to me but an escape clause, like it was said by route, designated to sound right. Plenty of hurt was inflicted and on purpose, that was no accidental destruction. I will never know what flipped his switch from love to abandonment, and it no longer matters.

I plan on following sage advice shared by 2 friends. I will live well, I will be happy, and bit by bit I will move on towards my future. I still slip now and again, but it's much rarer now. I should tell him thanks. Why? Because living with him always made me feel like something was wrong with me, and he enforced that because it just could not be him. I'm fine, a little beaten up but healing. When I look in the mirror these days, I see a mature woman who surprisingly is pretty, inside and out. When I was with him I'd look in the mirror for flaws. That says a lot. I am no longer "not good enough" I am pretty damn good. Too bad, so sad for you Herr Weinerhead. I am also a pretty good friend to have because I treasure the friends I do have, and they in turn make me feel good about myself.

hugs to my friends,

k