Homesick at Home

This might come off a little strange ( I will explain) but I am feeling homesick after returning home from dropping Mel off today.( told ya) It's not a place, it's a person. Her stay with me, despite me being uncomfortably post op, was one of joy in having a favorite person of mine with me again. No nights or days killing time till I was at work again. And I miss her already.

January 2011...was when I was forced to become solitary and on my own. Not only did I lose a lover, I was also thrown in the trash as a friend. r and I did everything together, but whether or not he appreciated the quiet companionship in the evenings after work with me, I did. It did not matter to me what we did together, I believed we shared good times, his friendship was a huge part of my life for a long time. Obviously he felt he was trapped in some sort of boring land with me for company. Too bad, but that is another story, and one already told on the other blog.

What I am trying to say is that though I am not a big crowds kind of girl, I appreciate friendship and togetherness. I've had more than my share of being alone since my toss out of Ford Circle. My heart and my mind definitely need more than that. Being alone too much is simply Not Good for Me. I've done my prison time, it's time for a break out of jail for Kelly. Going to your room, closing the door, and having quiet time for yourself is one thing. Not having to close a single door for quiet time really gets to you.

I arrived home after a way too long round trip to Fredericksburg (traffic sucks!!) to open the door back onto loneliness again. I did not realize how quickly I became accustomed to Mel's company until I stepped into the quiet again. Probably a good thing I did not get this weepy while dropping her off at her home, I know she has missed her grandbabies and Charles Town is at least 2.5 hours away from them. Though I wish I could kidnap her she is not ready for it yet, and I understand. Just as I will never (unless there is a ton of money involved in my favor) ever move back down there. Just driving down 81 headed north I breathed deep..smelled the grass, the dirt, saw the puffy clouds in the blue sky and felt like I was headed home.

The 95 corridor, with all it's sprawl (r's word for it) it's heavy traffic, and stress..so not me anymore. I may have been lured up here for my move money, but it has become home for me as well. Granted I do not have the 'good' memories that r has, but it has become so much more appealing than that area ever was. I've always been a 'country girl' at heart. (moving to So.Calif.was damn hard for me at age 16)

It occurred to me while driving north on 17 to drive by the old places we had lived..and Nah. I did not want to revisit them, even to see the differences of today. When I lived there and tolerated it was when my life was part of a couple. Without being part of that still, it was my past, and better to not divert to peek at something that is forever gone now. (though I did ALMOST stop at Pancho Villa..sigh..passed that by too...miss that yummy place.)

Mostly I would like to share my undying thanks to Mel for sharing herself with me for the last 8 days. I know she was missed by her family, and hopefully they all appreciate her that much more for being without her for a while. Jaydin thanked me via phone for returning his GrandMom. ( I am such a grandmom thief!) And Samiyah was adorable to meet for the second time..last time she was much younger, they grow up very fast.

If I whine for a blog or two..please forgive me...this lifestyle is still not of my choosing. It has to be healthier for me to have more than work in my life, I need companionship. (not talking about a love affair..I'm talking about a friend.) I feel unfinished when I am always alone, on the treadmill running to nowhere, and biding my time in limbo-land. I think the other visits I have had from family and friends have been of such a short duration that I did not have a chance to get used to it again. This time I did.

Hugs..love to all

so where is my 'get out of jail free card anyway?

k