Baby Gil

Gilligan and Pumpkin
Gilligan and Jasper
Gilligan and Pumpkin

I was gathering what was required for class the other day, and thankfully my gaze fell upon a jump drive that I forgotten I had. ( need it to copy policy and procedure manual..whoopie!) I stuck it into the F drive on my computer tower and received a present, some pictures from 2003-2004. Not all of them were keepers, but I considered myself lucky to find some baby pictures of Gilly. He was not always panther sized, and it was nice to revisit those tiny days.

While he was sitting on my lap tonight I told him how cute he was as a baby and now he was my big boy..well, that must not have translated well into cat speak..he got all huffy and jumped off my lap, and is sulking somewhere now. I guess he does not want to be reminded he was ever a little kitten. Either that, or he misses his sister Pumpkin,and brother Jasper who are also in the pictures with him, and it was a sore subject. It seems so long ago now, but I will treasure those baby pictures. Having him be in my life was a gift in more ways than one. I am just sorry he is a lonely boy without his siblings.

k

Happy Black Friday--Not

Black Friday... it even sounds evil...frantic grasping shoppers willing to fight for that 'special' deal. I passed, as usual, and I was even off work for a change on the day. I personally do not plan to ever enter a store on any day called Black Friday. For one thing, so Not my scene, and secondly I do not have the money to buy a gumball right now.

This will definitely be a year without presents, no doubt about it. I've had slim years before, but this one is anorexic. I have included a link on this blog entry to how I spent Thanksgiving. It's not much, a mobile upload and a short message. What else did I do? Watched a video with dinner, and have been watching a series on Netflicks called "The Monarchy." Don't ask why, I just have always been fascinated with the history of Great Britain. Took 2 classes at college level because of that fascination. From prehistoric times, to Anglo-Saxon England to the Norman Conquest, I am enjoying the revisit. Got up to the end of Henry the 3rd last night, and will likely watch another. It is cool to be able to see the places I read about previously, and hear how one nation grew out of multiple invasions to be one of Europe's strongest Nation states. I would love to visit there someday, the land itself seems to call me.

Other than that, just putzing, slept way too late due to being unable to sleep, stupid move in having after dinner coffee last night..Duh me.

Hugs,

k

Thanksgiving and Mystery Turkey

Addendum to the holiday message

For more years than I can count I hosted, cooked and entertained for my family for the holidays.

This year, after being abandoned by the one person who stood by me, I am now wondering what happened to my family? The only invites I received were from people I work with (2) and I passed simply because I would have felt uncomfortable crashing 'their' family holiday. With all respect and friendship to those I work with, I was hoping that my family would remember me.

I guess I am set to pass on this holiday season. I am too broke to buy gifts, and frankly I am no longer in the mood to search for the spirit of anything regarding a family holiday. I believe I shall bake some breads, share them with others that I know are also alone this season...the elderly man, John, in the power chair that always waved and said hello to me on laundry days when it was warmer; my neighbor upstairs, hoping it will keep the peace between us and lower the volume; the elderly lady with the small but beautiful garden that sometimes said hello ; my other neighbor also alone pretty much, though I know he has friends over. And a few of my co-workers who will be working the holiday along side of me. Other than that, my shift does not allow for church time, but I shall try to find one service during my days off, and pay my respects to Christ on his birthday.

I hate feeling sorry for myself, it makes me disgusted with me. But I forgive myself this time, because it really does suck. There was one other Christmas that I spent alone, shortly after my 25 year marriage ended, and that was a ball of fun as well. I worked 12 hours and then listened to someone else's terribly spoiled children till it was time to go to bed.

I miss my Mom. If she was still with us I know where I would be without a doubt, she would not take no for an answer, nor ever forget anyone she loved during the holidays. I love you Mom, and I miss you so much.

k

Thanksgiving

I know that I often rant, and come close to a whine over my circumstances this past year. But I did want to express my gratitude to my family, friends and God for the help they provided in helping me to survive a very rough time in my life. The emotional support was the life saver that I needed to pull myself together enough to start over. I cannot thank you all enough.

I might be spending the holiday alone with Gil, but I am grateful that I have a roof over my head and food on my table, sometimes things I previously took for granted. There were a few times this past year that I feared I would not be able to stay afloat, but somehow I scraped by. I still have many challenges ahead of me financially, the battle has barely begun. But..I am still here.

This past year has taught me many lessons. The value of true friendship, people who are there when you need them, who share laughter and sometimes sympathy or empathy being in the same boat as I am. Who offer unconditional hugs, the best kind. People who can help you move mountains and make you smile while you share the load.

I have also been taught some very hard lessons in trust this year. The person whom you believe in the most might be the one that hurts you more than anything you ever experienced before. You can never really know anyone the way you know yourself, which has led me to believe in myself more than I did before and to forever more be cautious in sharing my trust. Paying back for that lesson? Likely the rest of my life. Fortitude, perseverance, and strength are also gifts learned from that lesson. That and living within your means, and making do.

For the simple things that bring me joy; for the love shared over many miles with my family; for surviving despite both severe emotional and physical pain ( the damn gallbladder); for a quiet and sweet roommate, Gilligan; and for Hope. Hope took awhile to be reborn but it did slowly come back. Believing in myself has led me to take steps I might never have thought of taking before professionally, and it has brought pride along for the ride. And hope will be my silent companion as a new year begins.

I have much to be thankful for, and I hope that all my friends and family know how much I am sincerely grateful for having them in my life. And to God? Thank you for letting me stick around a little longer, and helping me find myself once again. For the beautiful sunrises and sunsets that colored my days and brought smiles of appreciation; the food that sustains me, and the shelter of my home. I thank you very much.

~k

Mixed Day

Off and running this morning, had supervisor training class for 3 hours. Then I hopped on over to the Department of Health and Human resources to make an appointment to be screened for Medicard. Do I think I qualify? It comes close, but by about $1000/year I likely won't. Since that 1,000 gets spent on bills, rent, car, food...it's not like I am taking a cruise with it. But I need the denial to get financial assistance from the hospital for my bills from the ER and surgery in August/September.

Came home, and whipped up vegetable and beef soup for meals this week. It's simmering as I write. I bought Thanksgiving dinner for one on a budget at Walmart, $13. No real turkey, just the processed stuff..and I will miss having the familiar family recipe stuffing..no sense in spending and doing all that just for myself. I could not even bring myself to pay $12 for a turkey breast. It was either go out for dinner or stay home. I feel that going out just blares my being alone and will make me uncomfortable and sad, so staying home it is. If I have anyone from work who I know will be off and by themselves I will ask them, but I think most of my friends are working.

Christmas. I will put up a tree, but no goodies to go under it will be purchased. I just don't have the funds for that. I might make some breads to give as gifts to a few. I intend to enjoy my little fake tree, but will be working the holiday. It makes me sad that so many people come to gamble on a religious and family holiday, but they may be in the same position as me and would rather not be home and blue.

Still have one more delightful phone call to make. I went to pay a bill yesterday at Sears. It shows you just how long I have not been to the mall, (since last winter) the store had been closed for months and I had not a clue. The collector? Is probably frothing at the mouth, and sure to be snider than ever when she speaks to me. I am only going to take that for so long before I make a comment. She had better back off and find polite.

Otherwise a quiet and lazy day for Gilly and me. He is happily curled up on my lap just now..making sure I cannot get away and out the door again today. Cat strategy, gotta love him. He is good company and my roomie.

hugs,

k

Oooh!! Fun day ahead

So far this morning I have been on the phone with:

1. one very arrogant and nasty lady from Citi card demanding an immediate payment-again.

2. Medicaid-so I can be denied. Yep..denied. This is to help me get financial assistance from the hospital regarding the gallbladder surgery in September. I have to go to a local office to apply...strangely it is about 1 block away from where I live. I never would have known.

3.WV Lottery. My license is a temporary one for the Dual Rate Supervisor. The higher you go, the more information they require. I had a message to contact them and it took me a while to get a name and number. She was terrific. There is no way to describe my current financial situation other than nightmarish, pure and simple. She stated the whole purpose of the commission is to put people Back to work here in the panhandle, not to penalize them for being in a bad financial situation. They will work with me to settle issues. Really the message to call was to tell me that they have not had a chance yet to review my multi-jurisdictional application due to an office move and work overload. My current license expires in January 2012.

I have yet to do the most unpleasant calls..yes..tax agencies are never pleasant...they do not care for our excuses or lack of money. They, unlike the credit people, do not expect you to hit up rich family members for the cash. ( really, I have none, and I found that offensive. Citi-person has said that more than once. If I could have reached through the phone and popped her in the nose I would have. Rude..#@&^%$!!!! Sure...we all live to mooch off our family and friends. My family and friends are passengers in the same boat I am in.) The tax people do not care about the details of retrieval just the results.

4. What to do with the dining room set? After placing ads in the local papers..$50--waste of my puny funds. I had 2 calls, one back out and one no call back. It has to be moved into storage, another bill I do not want. The set might be useful in the future, but I need the money for the Now. Looks like that is a bust. Storage bill each month? ARGH! Also need muscle and truck to get this done. My friend has been very kind in letting it remain this long, I do not want to push my luck or make her angry. My previous muscle has moved to different shifts or no longer works at the casino.

is it too much to ask to have a week with no obligations? I guess so.

Funny, what I owe for taxes is almost equivalent to the amount of taxes I paid for Him, minus $600. So for $4900 which I paid to his federal and to file I am being charged $4300. Nothing like your money being worthless. All because I withdrew before I was 59 and to save his ass. Wish I could go back and undo that, but I cannot. Same for all the times my cards paid for repairs, tickets, tires, etc for him and us. I am stuck in this hole because of L-o-v-e. This really sucks.

Again..wanting that time machine, if for no other reason that to be smarter about trusting another person; that Someone who swore love for ever with a forked tongue and no real Honest intentions. I was used, very clear now after the fact. What a nice guy.

On to more fun..later..

k

****

I hate my debt.

I really hate not being able to make a dent in any of it without

creating bigger debt.

I hate trying to fix it, getting frustrated and staring at piles of paperwork

spread over my bed, hours spent futilely scrunching, searching, compiling,

then wishing for a flame thrower.

It sucks to be me sometimes.

k

If perhaps you believe this is drama, you'd be wrong..it is tragedy.

$30,000 in credit debt, and between state and federal $4000 owed.

Those numbers are not made up, they are quite nastily real.

Reality Bites

I have not mentioned this in awhile, because it seemed senseless to continually post or dwell upon my financial situation. Not dwelling on it allowed for 'upbeat' moods, and a numbness to what is hanging over my head..the guillotine of my debt.

I battled it last spring with all I could summon, and was left feeling helpless in the crappy reality of it all. Between the credit debt and the back taxes I felt like a mouse in a maze that ran into walls looking for the cheese that would help 'fix' it all. I tried bankruptcy...could not afford. I tried 401 K..not vested long enough...and there is no rich Uncle or sugar daddy to borrow from. My salary would be fine if I gave up paying rent and eating. I do not live a life of luxury, I never go out anywhere, except an occasional dollar menu feast at Taco Bell. Not even purchasing clothing except from Good Will.

Now the sharp blade has returned, pushing aside my puny efforts to ignore. I must confess that it is a daily worry that I feel in becoming homeless because of my debt. I rarely speak of it anywhere except my own head, and sometimes to Mel. I stopped sharing my worry at work many months ago, it just colored my days too much to talk about. I did enough of that after the 'kicked out', it got me nowhere but the land of morose. Not a fun gal, so I stopped.

My miracle has not occurred despite wishes and prayers.

There are 2 things I have come to know from this lesson in poverty....

forget about credit, if you cannot afford the cash, you cannot afford the debt;

and secondly..putting your trust in someone that you loved can really hurt you,

no matter how much you believed you were partners in everything and to help him was to help "us". They can start anew and erase their love and responsibility in a heartbeat, leaving you holding the baggage and bills from a life spent 'together.' And they never look back or wince one time from what they helped to cause. Guilt does not follow them, everything is shiny and new.

As far as they are concerned, they never played a part in ruining anyone else's life. And I guess that justice will come from no one but God.

~k

Just sitting and singing

Last night was my last night on Grave shift for now. I start back on Swing shift Saturday night, the busiest day of the week, and my longest shift. Challenges..lol..I know I can do it..but after working these shorter shifts since March it will likely knock me for a loop the first time. I'm excited and looking forward to it. There was a few days that it looked like it might be Day shift, which would have been cool too..as long as I can sleep when it's dark outside, lol.

Just sitting here singing with my headphones on..poor neighbors..hey..suitable torture for making me listen to army boots on my ceiling and the in and out running up and down the stairs and slamming of doors when I am trying to sleep. I am sure my voice might send them running to their cars..heh heh!( < secret plan! shhh!) I might have to sing louder and longer for furniture moving though.

We had a milder day on Tuesday and Gilly was window sitting..he came running into the room and under the bed and I heard a kitten crying loudly. I think he saw Gil and thought home! That's Gil, afraid of a baby. Jumped up, ran to the windows, no kitten. Opened the front door and saw my neighbor had just come home and left his door open...I knocked and asked if he had brought home a kitten..Nope..and a funky look. Told him I heard one..and went looking. I found no trace of the kitten and I know both Gil and I heard it...it's been bothering me for several days now that I did not find it...worrying over someone else's cat...yep..that's me. I keep picturing a cold wet kitten tucked someplace I could not see...Damn It.

Going to have to trick my body into getting ready for the time switch..should be great..when to sleep, or stay up way past tired. I foresee silly blogs. Hugs..

kel

decisions, decisions..

As in how to make one...decision. You weigh the pro's and con's, debate with yourself, and if you wait too long the decision is made for you. Hmm..that has been my dilemma this past week.

Essentially I am trying to decide which direction I should head, that would benefit all concerned, including myself. Bribery has been mentioned, big smile. (though I seriously doubt it..my leg was being pulled I believe.) I guess whatever will be, will be in one short week. It is very flattering to be wanted, especially after this past year. (as in Yeah! Somebody wants ME..lol) And yeah! Look! I can do something well after all. I will fill you in as I find out..which way I am going.

smiles...

~k

As Frosty would say...

"Happy Birthday!" Well, he did before he melted, and then again when he came back. Other than work, I am spending the day alone, but that's OK, it's what I normally do. Gilly has tried to sing to me several times, and I think he got his feelings hurt when I started to giggle. Bad Meowme.

I have a small cake, which at the most I will eat a slice or two of and then bury in the garbage. If you want some you know where I live, well some of you do. I could not find a small German chocolate, so it's simply yellow cake and white icing. Since it is not chocolate Gil can have some too, if he wants, you'd be surprised what interests him.

I have a major decision to make in the next couple of days. Besides Grave not wanting me to go, now both Swing and Day have expressed interest. I am weighing the pro's and con's before I let them know. Both shifts have advantages in their favor, though having Wednesday through Friday off is very tempting. (I would stay till 2am on Saturdays to make up the difference.) Thinking about calling them before I doze off today to find out what duties would be mine on swing. The pace is usually fast, which I like. But on Days I would have time to learn other things.

Argh!! It will come to me..just need some time to simmer a bit. And there is a supervisor class starting which I will likely be taking, a 6 month course, or so I have been told.

Thanks for the beautiful cards from my Dad, Uncle Bill and Aunt De and Uncle John. All were very appreciated, I love my family.

Since I never did make it out to sell the item I was holding, no socks for me just yet. I've been trying to get some of the other things clogging my in box taken care of first this week.

I still do not feel my age. I guess I am fortunate in that respect. In my heart as well as my body I still feel barely 40. I do not plan to ever let a number rule my life, it is all a matter of perspective. To all my Face Book friends, and my friends at work who wished me a Happy Day, thank you very much.

Hugs,

k

"Say Cheese!!!"

"39 and Holding..LOL!"

Watched an old movie...

I watched an older movie, and was swept away by these songs. They evoke such a beautiful

sentimental feeling. I've posted both songs that Norah Jones sang below.The old movie? Silly, sappy, but a feel good movie, "Maid in Manhattan." Just for the hope and tears and smiles, it was worth watching a third time, it's been a while since the second.

Close your eyes, lean back, and just listen. The songs transcend time, softly romantic, it feels like dancing slowly on a dark floor, shadows and soft prism reflections, breathing and moving in the arms of someone you love. Simple soulful melodies.

yes...I can have dreams too.

Come Away with Me

Don't Know Why

Cold Cold Heart

Drown in my own tears