Appropriate for New Year Wishes

I went back through the blogs and was listening to 'feels like home to me' by Bonnie Raitt and Randy Newman, and the You tube list popped up a suggestion...yes it does seem like a good message to end the year with. Bette Midler....
In my life..
And just because I love her voice, and the messages she shares...
From a Distance
That's the story of..that's the glory of love.

hugs, k

I just love it..

I just love how when I post something current, some special viewer of my blogs goes back and pulls up something from 6 months ago..like that was still happening. What a dork. Having a problem with time lines and past and present tense? Umm..6 months ago I was thinking about finding someone through an online dating service.  Shortly after I posted that I stopped looking. Guess you missed that one.

I have no idea why you think that reading an old post would contradict a new one. That was then, this is now, time marches on, and so and so forth...blah..blah..blah. My dating life, or lack of it is really none of anyone's business but mine. I am currently content to not look. Replacing an old love with some stranger out of desperation is so not going to happen for this woman..I kind of like not having a man in my life right now, their ego's are too much to deal with. It's peaceful alone, nobody gets their feelings hurt.

 I have no quest, I am leaving that to God and fate. If memory serves, the hunting for fresh blood on line was his area of expertise, and will likely be a future tool as well. If your purpose was to stir things up, nice try. Go find something better to do.


k
 He is not part of my life anymore.
And neither is my antagonistic reader.

Cat anchor

Sitting here, just waking up, with a very determined Gilly plopped on my lap. His plan? To not allow me to get dressed, open the door to the outside, and otherwise desert him today. Over slept big time, but the hours got away from me last night, did not turn off the light till almost 5am. I woke up at 10..to clomping army boots over head and stair stomping, door shutting behind the wall the bed rests on. Then...my body said "Hi. You had better hurry..I'm warning you!" Something I ate when I got home apparently did not agree with me at all. I thought I was eating healthy..yogurt, celery sticks and light ranch dressing. Now I am wondering which product it was. (No repeats of the earlier event would be appreciated or wanted.)

Saw a very good friend just before work ended last night, who asked if I could visit after I clocked out.I Had to drop off a coworker at home who is car-less at the moment, and food shop. (midnight shopping-no crowds) I texted back, but forgot that she had changed cells due to a deer accident. Now I feel terrible that my message did not make it. I would have love to visited with her more, but work definitely frowns on our being on the gaming floor after hours, and they had already eaten. I know that they had a good time the last time they were here. Hope that they win some this time. Still feel bad I screwed up the message passing.Please contact me back..I feel like a goober for not remembering I did not have your new number.

Nothing big planned today. Julie is cooking for her crowd, they are having their Christmas today, and will likely drop off a tasty plate with goodies later. My laundry is sitting in a basket next to the closet as an unpleasant reminder of dragging it all to the washer and dryers a block away. And Gil? "love me, love me..pet me , NO GOING OUT,!" has made my plans for me.

k

Conserving the Ol' last reserves

Ok, Christmas at work kicked my tail..(it is now crooked and flat.) I worked 12 hrs on Christmas eve and almost 10 on Christmas...so yes..told you, it did pass me by. But that was not quite the end of it..record crowds on Monday and Tuesday as well.  I would really like to know what the jobs are that allow people to take the week of Christmas off..because in all the years that I have worked..(since 16 yrs old) I have never found one. We were packed and pretty much stretched as thin as we could get trying to handle the demand.

The second half of the Holidays from ..well....(it rhymes with well...LOL! ) will start Saturday night, New Years eve. I will be in blue (supervisor) and expect to run my butt off. Yes, it does make the shift go faster, but it sure can wipe me out also. The limited number of computers, for the amount of reports that will likely be coming, will be a challenge too.  I shall be running after Patrick, and yes, that French man can really move. ( so, do I start eating carbs now? ..and on Saturday take some B vitamins..whoops!! there he goes!) He is a really nice man, but when he curses it makes me crack up. I got the raised eyebrow last week because he was cussing at the schedule he was working on, and I had my head down on my desktop smothering laughter.  I told him I could never have an argument with him..he'd start cursing and I would be laughing too hard to fight back. I do work with some really nice people. ( and NO..nothing happening there. Patrick is a typical single French man, and has his hands full with girls chasing after him. We are just friends.)
It's the accent, gets them every time. Me? I like a nice Scottish burr or an Irish lilt...I'd probably hang on every word and not understand half of it.

Since I stopped worrying about being alone it has gotten a bit easier for me. I'd rather enjoy the company of some of my co-workers than EVER consider them for possible romance. Work and romance do Not mix well. Plus, I ended all match making searches months and months ago. If God intends I should be alone then that is what will be. All I'd like is more company and times spent with family and friends. I do sometimes get the 'lonelies', but not as bad as it was last spring and early summer. (Thanksgiving was hard) And frankly, my experiences with being part of a couple leave a lot to be desired, the endings sucked, especially the second time around.

So, I am doing the typical chores during this weekend of mine, and taking it easy in preparation for the next wave of work. Rest, keeping Gilly happy, and chilling. I am quite sure that New Years will have it share of stories to tell.

hugs, g'night,
k

New Year, New Dreams

I figure that having a dream, however far fetched, is better than not having something to dream about. So I will shoot for one way beyond my means and enjoy planning for it, even if I never get there.


I do most of my day dreaming at night..ha! I know that sounds bizarre, but when I first lay down to sleep my mind is still going about 50 MPH faster than my body, which is ready for slumber and cannot make my brain shut up  So..I day dream. It usually relaxes me, as long as I leave the negative behind and refuse to let it interrupt pleasant thoughts. What do I dream about? Beautiful places to visit, seeing my family, lottery wins (HA!) and positive thoughts of a possible future for me. 


This method of falling asleep has worked for me for more years than I can count. It is only on nights that my mind fights money issues, or relationship disasters that I toss and turn. Because it seems once I lay down and get started on thoughts like that, it is impossible to chase them away again. You push them aside for brighter thoughts and they creep back on nasty little feet. 


So yes, I will dream of a much better year. A large part of this past year was very pain filled. I'd really rather not have a repeat of it ever again. I am dreaming myself happy, and that's the way it is going to be.
 I am already on my way.


G'night
k 

It's Christmas...

*Note to self..never try to hurry a batch of chocolate chip cookies. When the butter is too warm it melts the chocolate..and they become Chocolate chocolate chips cookies.*

Hey, they tasted ok, but I felt they were not really what I wanted to share with work. Good thing there is not too many of them....*burp*, oh..excuse me. Nah, I am pulling your leg...I cannot do chocolate or coffee after early evening..it will prevent me from sleeping..found that out the hard way when I have been tempted before. There is nothing worse then not sleeping when you need to, and then fretting further because you cannot fall asleep...argh.

Christmas at work was about as I expected. Not so full a house as we normally have, but busier than a weekday. I still had folks that had to be walked out (3) and reports of property damage to complete.
(Note- I will catch him...it's the same guy each time. We just cannot get a clear picture yet nor have caught him in the act..he's quick to escape... plays fast, dumps his liquid on the validators, and then gets out of Dodge. Grr!)

I'll be back tomorrow for another shift on Christmas day. It is pretty much a typical weekend night for Gilly and I. He yells at me for being away so long, I apologize, and we settle down for a few minutes before sleep. Oh, and he pouts, pretty good pouting job for a cat too.

It's getting harder and harder to make it to next pay day lately, the ol'bank account gets pretty darn low. I can feel me scraping the ground and crossing my fingers. I really do not like having to worry that I have no back up means of taking care of emergencies. The electric bill did not get paid last month because a creditor demanded money or they would sue, and that was for only a small amount of what I owe, $56.  That drained me low enough that I was not able to pay. I'm hanging in there and praying, and hoping a roommate can be available soon. I don't expect it will make me wealthy, but it might leave a little breathing room, and lesson my loneliness. I don't go out for fun, I have not bought myself anything in the way of clothes for a damn long time, and just getting my hair cut gets questionable. At the food store I go into shock at the register, and that is only getting what is needed and maybe one meat meal a week.

I know I might be kidding myself, but I am hoping and praying that 2012 will bring some much needed relief to people like myself who are barely getting by. I don't care what the economic experts say about taxing the wealthy and their blah blah about how that will just hurt us further. They obviously must not be living in a world where buying hamburger is something you wonder if you can afford. Too many people struggle to just get by, making it worse will only increase the amount of state aid that will be needed.

Sorry, it's Christmas and I am fussing and farting over finances, apologies to my readers. I wish you all a joy filled and peaceful Christmas, and a New Year that will shed it's light on us All.

k

Elizabeth Regina

Elizabeth Regina, 1533-1603

A woman who forsake a life of her own, a husband, children, and a  private life, to raise her country to greatness. In a time of religious persecution, (The Inquisition) she provided a country the freedom of choice (the only one in Europe at that time) , the right to worship as you believed without fear of reprisal. She defended a country with a force of 3,000 against a force of 10,000, and won. I feel honored to share her name, for she was truly a woman ahead of her time. and someone worthy of that belief.
Despite attempts on her life, and the constant subterfuge and plots, she succeeded to raise a nation to greatnes, for she was the beginning of a Golden Age for England. . I guess if I had to chose a heroine, it would be her. It sure beats some shallow celebrity of these days.
Yes, lol..I did just watch "Elizabeth, the Golden years." It was an excellent movie. I would recommend it for any woman, or man...who can appreciate the power of women. Is is not a shame that we have been shoved back so far by men, that a female leader in this country has yet to be? History has proven that We are a force to be reckoned with. Maybe that is why so many fear a woman President. She would put those who came before her to shame.

Hail Elizabeth Regina, the Virgin Queen.

k

To My ( mostly) Silent Audience

To All my quiet viewers, I wish for you a joyful and peace filled Christmas season.
I don't often comment on how many people have followed my blog this past year, but I
do view my stats, and I know that I have friends from Russia, the United States, Germany, Australia,
Japan, Austria, and many of other places throughout the world. Nary a word do any of you utter, but still I feel as though I have been included in a large circle of people who stop by to see what is up in my small corner of the globe. Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to you all.

kel

Christmas Long Distance

I had a very nice long and chatty call with my Dad. I called today since Christmas Eve and Christmas day will be spent at work. In truth I should have  thanked him...for the many years that he made Christmas a magical time for his children; for the love he shared and still shares with me. He was my pillar of strength when I needed him badly. Even though we are many miles apart when we talk the distance does not seem as great. I truly wish I could be sitting beside him tomorrow night and celebrating Christ's birthday. So Dad, I just want to say I love you very much, and wish you the Merriest of Christmas's. Truthfully one of the best gifts of my life was having you for a father.

I love you,
Kel

Because you say so,...or he does

I admit to be perplexed. Why would anyone who admits to, and was part of. the great betrayal... .believe for one moment, that their wishes would be something that I would bow to and hasten to  perform? Really..you place greater significance on yourself then I would ever presume to assume for myself.

Just in case my readers are wondering what the heck I am talking about...the former fiance's new other half has written me for what I believe is the 3rd time,( in her condescending tone, ) for me to stop blogging about my past life, and leave it alone.   Last time I checked, I was not a part of Her family, nor a friend. If it needs to be clarified for the umpteenth time, stop reading my blog if you do not like what I write about, it is really that simple.

I wish google had a way to hide my blogs from them, without excluding the others that read it, but it is not there, and they choose many different points of entry.  I had to close one blog site already due to their viewing and complaining because he was subscribed to it. . I won't do it again. Whatever power you believe you have over me little kimmie, is a self induced fantasy. I don't care what you want, it really is sad that you think your views will change my perspective. There is still the freedom of the press, and the people that wrote that a long time ago, had a great deal more going for them than you do.

Do you know how I censure? I simply do not look for, nor read what I disagree with. That means, I don't go looking for anything that you or he writes.You should try that, it is a proven and well tuned method of not reading the disagreeable. Please do not email nor comment on my blogs anymore. Your views are not welcome nor appreciated. Whatever your life is currently is your business, I am not inviting you into mine simply because I write what I am feeling. I will not apologize for still having pain...that is something that I have to deal with alone. Being dictated to by someone who played a large part in my receiving said pain keeps that ball rolling, and I think you know it. And I  think HE does as well.

I cannot control your 'clicking' on a link, nor setting one up to use to follow this blog. You make that choice.
And so does he.

 I will repeat  what I believe is the truth...he gains power and sympathy by claiming his ex's are out to get him. Other than my blogging, there has been nothing done to support this claim. He is trying very hard to gain and reinforce control over your feelings. I know, I have been there in his campaign against Diann. "Crazy ex" seems to be his only defense for his continued path of betrayal. You ( and I) have to wonder how it is possible that the man who chose you, also chose two former lovers  and now makes claims that both were unstable. Will he say the same about you one day...if he follows his pattern, yes he will.

I can see someone making a mistake once..but twice? And claim the same defense for both?
If you cannot see the pattern, you are sadly mistaken. HE makes the choices for himself, no one else.
 And if He needs to move on, he will use it again. You are the next female in his life to be brainwashed..congrats.

I suspect that one day you will look back and do the "smack hand to head and DOH! move."

If you think you have found a forever man to share your life with, you are mistaken.
For him, there is no forever..he is always looking for the next one, and that will Not change because he says it's not true to you, that you are the one.( how very familiar)  I hope you have a back up plan, I did not.

k
By the way...I am finished accepting or responding to one of your diatribes. If he winds you up again to send another email it will have been a waste of time.  Just as the last one was. Ron...controlling you to get me to conform and bow to his wishes..wow..how twisted is that?
Spam, spam, spam.
And you relaying his messages to me? Never going to happen again. Not on this side anyway. He failed to be what he claimed to represent. Almost in entirety he is false.

Calling for C.A.T.

It had been almost 10 months..he was doing so well. Then somehow he got his paws on the killer
weed..and he has not been the same since..Formally such a well adjusted and completely sane cat ( well--as sane as most cats can be) he has since 6pm yesterday evening been rolling on the ground, making 'Murrp!' noises, and pigging out on cat chow and cookies. Shortly after that he crashes..only to wake up and head right back to his new stash.

I've contacted C.A.T. ( Catnip Abuse Tribunal) in hopes of saving him from himself. Say a prayer for Gilly...He had been doing so well..I've never seen him act this way..not in a long time. Please, Take a moment and talk to your cats about the evils of catnip, the life you will be saving will be one out of nine.
Thanks,
k

Stoned Again

Creepu and blogo viewer

New way to watch the train wreck you started? Have fun with that. And it was just the facts jack...I am not sitting here boo-hooing my lack of Christmas, but neither am I into spreading Joy at the moment. It's easy to try and place doubt on something you don't want to take account for, wipe your ol'slate clean..not going to happen.  Merry Christmas.
k
PS: If you don't like what I write, it is really quite simple..stop coming here to read it.

The Christmas that wasn't

(please, other readers, forgive me the editing that seems to have been needed per those at  253 ford  -sorry to have broken up the blog, they needed clarification. And I Will Not Do this again.)


The only thing presently in my home that is 'Christmasy' is my small tree...and a few very cheap dollar store goodies for Gilligan.

 Yes, the 'Grinch' stole my Christmas, and despite his own words to the contrary,(last Feb/March) he IS having one himself. (not going to go there..if you don't already know, read more of the blog entries.) I am not sorry for saying that either, He did steal both years of my life and killed my finances. I Do have memories of better times that were spent together.  If he had never been serious, would it not have been the right thing to do to never have asked me to move in and marry him, multiple times? Making promises and breaking them..not something that I do.

Note to not so bright readers at 253 ford ---> Not blaming him for this part:
 There are no Christmas cookies. here,  I am working too many hours to get that done this year, and I do not need to eat them all by myself. If I can scrounge a batch up I will take them to work..  There are no Christmas cards, which cost is a factor, I will send only a few. Plus, there is No way with my holiday schedule at work to get to church this year.  I cannot even bring myself to watch holiday classics, because it opens a door to hurt that I do not want to feel, of better Christmas's. ( and if that bothers you..ford circle viewers..stop reading my blogs!)

So...if the world does Not end 12-21-2012, then I hope to really have a Christmas next year. Because this year is a wash..I am simply without funds to afford any of it..

 It does not feel in the least bit fair that for all the years I made sure Christmas happened for someone else, that I am now without means of celebrating it  now. The dumping on January 14th seems to be the gift that goes on giving, and by that I mean the debt and the memories of better times.<--again a note to brilliant 253 Ford readers.

I will say my prayers, sing a quiet 'Silent Night' and let it go, there is nothing else I can do.
I wish everyone else a Merry Christmas, I hope that you are spending it with family and loved ones,
because really the gifts are secondary, the real importance of Christmas is celebrating Christ's birth and being with those that you love. Being completely alone on a family holiday is incredibly hard on this heart.
*I did sing Silent Night..thankfully I was in my car on the way home and no one else had to listen.
k

ps: Despite my mentioning him here, I am currently on a self campaign to establish in my own mind and heart that "the Grinch" no longer exists at all.  All I want for Christmas is Amnesia.<--I believe they failed to read this part entirely.

'Tis the Season...

To share wishes of Christmas Joy to all my family and friends. An older video, I plan on a new one shortly.
I had to annotate to set a few things straight, sorry for the interruptions. Needless to say, a great deal of my older videos were dedicated to someone who elected to Not share his life with me anymore. Not much I can do with the videos other than add a note.


Merry Christmas,
k

A Season of Joy

Too deep

See if this strikes a memory chord:

: "some hurts run too deep...you cannot go home again."

" You, my friends, shall bow to no one."

k

I never cared so deeply, nor shared a feeling so profound as with this movie.

Gilligan agrees, I just got a foot rub.

re-submitting FYI

What I find amazing is I think that either he has convinced himself that the lies he told about me are real, or he is putting on a fantastic show for her and others. That is the only way to make his actions seem less selfish and self serving, and to come out as some kind of hero. If she is discovered after hiding all this time it won't have come from me.

Find another person to use as a scapegoat, dude. You are very good at convincing the simple minded that I am some evil wicked person who would do something terrible. You are still using whatever lies you used last year. Funny how it's always your ex's who are the ones that did you wrong, when it is obvious from the pattern

that it is all on You.

Anyone who believes otherwise is a fool.

Just because I won't shut up and go away does not mean I

would do harm. It simply means I am ornery enough to NOT be silenced.

By the way.."In the Audience" was not meant to cause paranoia. I have NOT done anything , period.

k

Paranoia Will Destroy ya...

The Kinks seem to have a theme...years apart, two different songs.

Acute Schizophrenia Paranoia Blues

Destroyer

Ridiculous Dreams

Ok, since I closed Souly I have been having damn silly dreams. Who knows, maybe it is my brain's way of saying I still have things to say there, but I am refusing to comply with the subconscious demands. I have dreamed more of the Fink this past week then I ever had. Last night was the icing.

Picture a neighborhood, older ranch style homes, big trees and all deserted.( end of the world apocalyptic) Except that there were bears living in some of them. Walking down the empty leaf strewn streets you could see them inside where windows were broken and in carports. Dream shifted, now driving in a car through arid country talking. Dream shifted again, in some Home Dept/Lowes type super store walking with the Fink and looking around. He decided he would take me to meet his new significant other. Shifted to a kitchen where a woman was making a chocolate cake that fell apart when putting it on a plate. I kept looking for this new person, and was told the older asian/african american woman making the cake was the girlfriend.(older than me) There the dream ended because I decided I had seen enough for the night. Weird? Told ya. And this is just one of the past 4 or 5 nights. Mostly the vision I had was of me being an observer with no real feelings, and he being some worried, unsure person, half freaking out. Again..don't ask why.

Freud would have a heyday...

k

5 Degrees

What a difference a few degrees make. I went from "Ahh..nice..perfect ." to

"DAMN! I'm cold! Where is my coat?!"

In the apartment where I had not yet turned on the heat..,the switch was flipped to make 65 a bit more comfortable last night. This place stays fairly moderate, and I am pinching pennies, but I do believe the open window at night time is over for a bit.

Even at work..a few degrees..and the coat stays on in Podium and Control, and the entrances are chilly. I gaze upon my last long sleeved shirt with a raised eyebrow wondering if I wear it Monday or Tuesday. If I am moving around it's not so bad. Staying in one place is quite different.

I knew winter would start raising it's icy fingers sooner or later. I was sort of hoping for the later. Layer, layer, layer..shirts and socks..Lol. Not that I am expecting Santa to leave me a single thing this year..but a piece of coal might actually come in handy.

Stay warm,

k

Ah, Saturday

Saturdays..gotta love em. For the 9-5 world it's the day you run around and try to get everything done so you can rest up on Sunday. For me? I get to run around and try to get everything done in 12 hours at work...and there always seems to be a report that keeps me longer.

Funny, when I got off the elevator at work tonight some of the swing shift officers were arriving as well. I was set on hurry my giddyup speed to spend a few moments chatting before clocking in. One of the officers said loudly:

" We have our Hot supervisor here tonight!"

My first thought that popped out was " Wait... do I look mad to you?"

He laughed and said " That's not what I meant."

"oh"

Lol... I have never thought of myself that way, ever.

So yeah, I checked the mirror a few times tonight, wondering why tonight was any different

from other nights. I did look pretty good..but hot? Hmm..matter of opinion I guess.

I appreciated the compliment.

And yeah, as I passed by him before going through the door, cutting around those in line for radios..I grinned and said "thanks...."

From 230pm till 9pm it's a lot of walking, some assisting, ID issues, patron complaints. But as the hour of 9pm approaches..the fuse is burning and the night shoots off in rapid fire radio calls for supervisors. Basically from 9-0230 I run my tail off, and so does everyone else.

At the end of my day...

When I walk in the door finally home at 3am, I am greeted with soft sleepy meow's that quickly turn to loud and indignant complaints...

"where have you been for 13 hours?!!"

"And Where pray tell is my food?"

"Ahem?!"

He is now resting quietly on my lap. Gilly Bear.

Winding down now..not much time for that on Saturdays. I sort of have to force my body to come off work mode, because running for almost 13 hours leaves me wired.

Have a good night,

k

A little Sore this morning

Yesterday was hand cuffing class for supervisors to be. Why I am sore?? I have no idea, perhaps it was the twisting of my arms behind my back and going to my knees, LOL! Or maybe it was me twisting a grown man's arm..either way I know I must have used muscles harder than they have been used for a while. I am thinking of taking a self defense class, and not for my personal life, but for work. Though that knowledge is certainly something that every woman needs.

I agree with what was taught. For something to become an unconscious action, it has to be repeated in your mind and body hundreds of times. If not for a class I cannot see me cuffing anyone hundreds of times, I am not a police officer, just a security officer on private property.

Hand cuffing is rare at work, and only used when the situation warrants it. It is far better to use your brain then get physical.

Yes I would rather hold hands with a Walk Out and be their friend rather than force anything. (and I did do that, with his girlfriend walking beside us, and he swinging our arms.) Force usually is met with violence, and that is not my style. They can call me every name in the book, but as long as we are moving towards departure it really does not matter.

But I know that I have a disadvantage from most of the men in our department. Most of them have either police or military backgrounds. My strengths lies in empathy, quiet insistence and reporting. I do not usually have to ask a man to assist me, though they are always there as a precaution, which I appreciate. For the most part males will get meaner with other men rather than with me. It's the women I have to watch out for. And some of them are real doozies.

I will wait till after the Christmas season has passed. I know that I cannot afford an expensive class. I am hoping that the one that was spoken of is still available at a reasonable cost.

'Tis the season to be jolly..grab your hand, twist it up, lock the elbow, push up towards your back... break to bend at the elbow..NOW! "Get Down!"

LOL..

kel

farewell to Souly Speaking

Have fun now..bye bye.

Souly Speaking is no more. It has been closed as a result of frankly, the wrong people

viewing it. They look for a scapegoat, a fall guy, someone to justify their reason for coming together.

That person will no longer be me. They plotted and planned and destroyed another person to get what they wanted. In my opinion, both deserve whatever fate decides to award them. I look forward to the final result of their actions. No one, who hurts another without good reason, will reap any rewards for inflicting harm. That is not God's will, that is closer to the other side, the opposite of God. For him, to gain sympathy and to push forward his replacing the fiance , many lies were told and acts of cruelty took place. For her side, believing something she knew must not be the full truth, and yet it met her needs. What did it matter to her that to attain what she wanted someone else was dealt pain and thrown away? God watches.

There is no need to question, just wait...it will come on it's own. That I have complete faith in believing in. You get what you paid for. And for non-believers? It really does not matter....fate and God are the same. If you hurt, it shall be repaid. No question, no doubt, just justice.

I mourn the passing of Souly, it was cathartic, and liberating. It allowed me to pour out grief and move beyond it to a safer place. It was something I had to let out. But towards the end it was used as an excuse ...as others viewed it they pointed fingers, twisted the facts, and said "see? that's why she is wrong." It was happening on a fairly regular basis, so time to go.

I have to say..No. No matter what excuses you lay out..they are simply (!!) excuses. You will never be able to justify your actions, ever. Nothing was ever done by me to warrant the treatment I received, ever. You will be forever guilty of aiding to the destruction of a life that only lived with you because of love. There was no ulterior motive on my part. I believed in us. I was not looking for a free ride. I loved a man, there is no crime in that. The crime came only when he grew bored and sought more. Oh what to do? I know, push her out the door, and make sure you are cruel while you do it. Leave her with a broken heart and nothing more.

It is a sad ending. One who believed, and one who did not. I am sorry that we were not to be, because it DID feel like the right thing to Me. I won't deny that he has re-invented himself yet again. It was HOW he got there that was wrong.

My run on messages are over. I am sure that will be taken with celebration. I will just patiently wait.

k

Feral Rescue Fail

What's that you say?? You saw one of the security guards in the garage, on her hands and knees, ass up calling to a cat under a van?? Yep, that was me, twice tonight I tried to find and rescue a cute marmalade kitty in the East garage at work. Yes, that was me, hunkered down peering under vehicles calling "here kitty, kitty, kitty." And yes that was me, breaking my last $5 for the week to buy turkey from the cafeteria and take it back up to the same garage. I hate it when I cannot help an animal in need.

There have been other occasions I tried to help a feral, some that will stay with me sadly in my heart forever. I've had a few small victories, Raz being one, but it's the ones I cannot help that stay with me simply because I wanted so badly to help them. It feels like a fail, though their circumstances were the same before I arrived to attempt a rescue.

~ The white kittens at the hotel that r and I were visited before we moved in together.

~The little black kitten near the Waffle House that we stopped at.

~The kitten, hit by another car, that died in my arms after I jumped out of the car in Winchester. That just broke my heart.

And others throughout my life...I don't forget them, ever.

I'm sure that if I ever have the chance to have a real home of my own again, and not limited to lease clauses, or apartment rules, that there will be more than a few rescues living with me.

And maybe someday, after God takes me home, there will be some newspaper blurb about the crazy cat lady and her 20 cats. I would never take in more than I could properly care for, that is just negligent. But all would be loved. I wish I could have helped tonight.

k

Murphy's Laughter

It was one of those days that makes you truly appreciate the good days that much more.

One thing after another went wrong...it was almost funny. I felt like I was in a Chevy Chase National Lampoon movie, or some black comedy, where disaster follows disaster and the poor main character just stands reeling in the middle of a highway, unable to move because he is boxed in by speeding cars. Yep. That kind of day.

I could almost time the next problem to arrive, as if on cue. I am not going to get into details, some of what occurred were things going wrong for other people, I don't blame them for that. But it sure sucked when I was counting on them to come through. I am going to try and believe the best about them because other wise it would make for uncomfortable times at work, and that would be even worse. Holding grudges over little things is not going to help me at all. So.. I am letting it go.

But it was not 'just' them..it was the storage facility, the truck rental, the lack of the sales person telling me the true price of things, my poor credit (as in no credit cards)..and it continued on with stupid little things like a light bulb blown out (that was just replaced) a parking space stolen when no one else has ever parked in it before, stomping screaming children upstairs from me...

see? I know that damn Murphy is sitting high above me on a cloud and laughing his ass off. Bugger.

So getting out of bed...or planning on this day for weeks..I've got to wonder...the best laid plans of mice and men...or women. I think I will re-wind this day and play it back for a movie contract.

It's gotta be worth something...days this ridiculously bad should have some sort of compensation thrown in. I'll be waiting by the mailbox for my check to arrive.

k

What love means to me...

A ride home in the dark, the shadows

of the country side that fly by;

soft glow of the dashboard, and the smell

of the earth that slips in the windows.

A song playing softly on the radio,

you turn to gaze at the driver as he turns towards you,

soft smiles of a shared moment in time that means

something special just for the two of you.

Small moments shared, that is love to me,

and yes it does feel like coming home.

The song says it all, and Bonnie's voice does the rest...

just being with someone, spending time together, not the exploding fireworks,

but instead the burning embers, banked and holding the heat till a blaze can be called forth,

and then setting them to wait again.

Being home just sharing each others company...that kind of love would feel so right.

Feels Like Home to me

Words and music by Randy Newman

Song by Bonnie Raitt

Much ado about nothing kind of day

I've had two busy days off, and today is a stay at home day. Class yesterday, visiting the hospital for the financial help regarding my bill.... I still have calls to make, cleaning to do, but that takes very little time these days. As for the rest of the week, Wednesday was a bit of a wash since I did not sleep on Tuesday night..stress, worry, who knows, but I gave up at 6am and started laundry and shopped for food.

The shopping for food killed my budget for this pay period. The bill at the register just seems to be getting higher as I buy less. It's sort of freaking me out, wondering just how much I will be able to afford just getting necessities, and prescriptions. I've joined the rest of the gang in using a local ciggy shack to pay less for those cancer sticks. I have no idea what else to cut out, it's down to bare bones already. I need a roommate badly. It is the only way I can foresee affording the cost of living, but I am stuck in this lease till March.

I have to set up a truck and a storage unit today for the dining room. I tried to sell it, and that was a loss of $70 in ads, only 2 hits which both bailed out on me. So, now I have another bill..yippee! I have some muscle lined up, and crossing fingers all will go well in a few days. They could not grant me time off to take care of this, so I will unfortunately have to call out, not something I like to do, but the guys are not available on my days off, so that is beyond my control.

Wednesday was bean soup day...made a huge pot, it's yummy, and my main meal for the week. As long as I can make these kind of things I can get less at the store and save a few pennies.

The Christmas decorating is complete, and it's as much as I will put out this year. Just enough to help me through another alone holiday. I figure if I did not it would be just that much sadder. I will send cards, but buying gifts is out this year entirely, there is just no way to pay for it.

I wish I could at least see some of my family this season, but my days to work are on every holiday day, Christmas eve and Christmas day, New Years eve and New Years Day, working straight through it all. It will keep me busy, but I know myself...I will still get some of those holiday blues, it's a given.

Hope everyone has a great weekend.

k

Oh! I'm posting a completely silly little mobile video of Gilly and the purse. Please...ignore my micky mouse voice...it always come out when I play with the cats. Sorry for the ear pain..lol.

Gilly and the Purse