I received a very brief message from my ex-Husband a day ago, telling me that my Gilly resembles a cat we had together when we first married, and who passed away shortly before our split. I agreed with him, Gil resembles Scooter in his tuxedo markings, but his personality is that of a lovable lug. Scooter was at her best anti-social, not really into friends, family or good behavior. He responded to my reply by reminding me that July 3 of this year we would have been married for 30 years. (we made it to 19)
Michael is a good man, and many are the times I wish that at 40 I had not had my own midlife crisis. In my own defense if he had seen me as a person and not just as a house cleaner and food cooker things might have turned out differently. My life at that time felt like a prison sentence that I would never escape from, so I asked him for some time alone. Unfortunately he never believed that I was not moving in with another man, or that another man was not the reason I was freaking out. Within days of my leaving to find space he moved someone else in to take mine. (seems like a reoccurring nightmare for me)
I have never had hard feelings for Mike, I think that he was just unable to understand what I needed at that time, and in part I do blame myself for not being able to make him understand. I'd like to think we could still be friends it is possible, but doubtful,
My other ex? Umm, I don't think he deserves my friendship, though at one time I did ask for that.( he showed me very clearly that he was not interested in that at all.) Whether he admits to it or not, I have never known another human being who treated me with less respect than him. We did have some good times, but his needs out shadowed the good parts. He cheated in his heart and in real life so many times I lost count, and wrapped it up with a million excuses why he had problems being faithful. ( later, it was of course, all my fault, never his.) That was followed by a quick shove out the door to clear room for his next.. Basically he is an egotist who despite his posts and comments is a very selfish little boy. Otherwise why would a combined budget be ripping him off if we were a couple?(last time I checked couples worked together not separately) Why did the grass always appear greener on the other side? And why if he truly had loved me was he incapable of being true? He always believed he was being deprived of something, and it was all because of me.(computers, cars,toys, and other women) I wish sometimes that I could erase those 9 years and have different memories, but I am stuck with them till they fade away.
At least in my heart I know I am not the person he pretended I was, warping me into some sort of leech. I gave, and I gave dearly, and none of it was ever appreciated nor understood. I know now that it was all a wasted effort on my part. Dissatisfaction with me was because he is/was broken, and it was much easier to blame it all on me instead of admitting to himself that he created our problems.
Though I miss the companionship of a male in my life I am not searching nor going begging for one. I have found my pride again, and I believe if it is meant to happen it will. Otherwise I am content with my life as it is. My friends and family make my life complete.
Thus ends my mental antics for the night.
Goodnite all
k
Michael is a good man, and many are the times I wish that at 40 I had not had my own midlife crisis. In my own defense if he had seen me as a person and not just as a house cleaner and food cooker things might have turned out differently. My life at that time felt like a prison sentence that I would never escape from, so I asked him for some time alone. Unfortunately he never believed that I was not moving in with another man, or that another man was not the reason I was freaking out. Within days of my leaving to find space he moved someone else in to take mine. (seems like a reoccurring nightmare for me)
I have never had hard feelings for Mike, I think that he was just unable to understand what I needed at that time, and in part I do blame myself for not being able to make him understand. I'd like to think we could still be friends it is possible, but doubtful,
My other ex? Umm, I don't think he deserves my friendship, though at one time I did ask for that.( he showed me very clearly that he was not interested in that at all.) Whether he admits to it or not, I have never known another human being who treated me with less respect than him. We did have some good times, but his needs out shadowed the good parts. He cheated in his heart and in real life so many times I lost count, and wrapped it up with a million excuses why he had problems being faithful. ( later, it was of course, all my fault, never his.) That was followed by a quick shove out the door to clear room for his next.. Basically he is an egotist who despite his posts and comments is a very selfish little boy. Otherwise why would a combined budget be ripping him off if we were a couple?(last time I checked couples worked together not separately) Why did the grass always appear greener on the other side? And why if he truly had loved me was he incapable of being true? He always believed he was being deprived of something, and it was all because of me.(computers, cars,toys, and other women) I wish sometimes that I could erase those 9 years and have different memories, but I am stuck with them till they fade away.
At least in my heart I know I am not the person he pretended I was, warping me into some sort of leech. I gave, and I gave dearly, and none of it was ever appreciated nor understood. I know now that it was all a wasted effort on my part. Dissatisfaction with me was because he is/was broken, and it was much easier to blame it all on me instead of admitting to himself that he created our problems.
Though I miss the companionship of a male in my life I am not searching nor going begging for one. I have found my pride again, and I believe if it is meant to happen it will. Otherwise I am content with my life as it is. My friends and family make my life complete.
Thus ends my mental antics for the night.
Goodnite all
k
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