Oooh!! Fun day ahead

So far this morning I have been on the phone with:

1. one very arrogant and nasty lady from Citi card demanding an immediate payment-again.

2. Medicaid-so I can be denied. Yep..denied. This is to help me get financial assistance from the hospital regarding the gallbladder surgery in September. I have to go to a local office to apply...strangely it is about 1 block away from where I live. I never would have known.

3.WV Lottery. My license is a temporary one for the Dual Rate Supervisor. The higher you go, the more information they require. I had a message to contact them and it took me a while to get a name and number. She was terrific. There is no way to describe my current financial situation other than nightmarish, pure and simple. She stated the whole purpose of the commission is to put people Back to work here in the panhandle, not to penalize them for being in a bad financial situation. They will work with me to settle issues. Really the message to call was to tell me that they have not had a chance yet to review my multi-jurisdictional application due to an office move and work overload. My current license expires in January 2012.

I have yet to do the most unpleasant calls..yes..tax agencies are never pleasant...they do not care for our excuses or lack of money. They, unlike the credit people, do not expect you to hit up rich family members for the cash. ( really, I have none, and I found that offensive. Citi-person has said that more than once. If I could have reached through the phone and popped her in the nose I would have. Rude..#@&^%$!!!! Sure...we all live to mooch off our family and friends. My family and friends are passengers in the same boat I am in.) The tax people do not care about the details of retrieval just the results.

4. What to do with the dining room set? After placing ads in the local papers..$50--waste of my puny funds. I had 2 calls, one back out and one no call back. It has to be moved into storage, another bill I do not want. The set might be useful in the future, but I need the money for the Now. Looks like that is a bust. Storage bill each month? ARGH! Also need muscle and truck to get this done. My friend has been very kind in letting it remain this long, I do not want to push my luck or make her angry. My previous muscle has moved to different shifts or no longer works at the casino.

is it too much to ask to have a week with no obligations? I guess so.

Funny, what I owe for taxes is almost equivalent to the amount of taxes I paid for Him, minus $600. So for $4900 which I paid to his federal and to file I am being charged $4300. Nothing like your money being worthless. All because I withdrew before I was 59 and to save his ass. Wish I could go back and undo that, but I cannot. Same for all the times my cards paid for repairs, tickets, tires, etc for him and us. I am stuck in this hole because of L-o-v-e. This really sucks.

Again..wanting that time machine, if for no other reason that to be smarter about trusting another person; that Someone who swore love for ever with a forked tongue and no real Honest intentions. I was used, very clear now after the fact. What a nice guy.

On to more fun..later..

k

****

I hate my debt.

I really hate not being able to make a dent in any of it without

creating bigger debt.

I hate trying to fix it, getting frustrated and staring at piles of paperwork

spread over my bed, hours spent futilely scrunching, searching, compiling,

then wishing for a flame thrower.

It sucks to be me sometimes.

k

If perhaps you believe this is drama, you'd be wrong..it is tragedy.

$30,000 in credit debt, and between state and federal $4000 owed.

Those numbers are not made up, they are quite nastily real.

Reality Bites

I have not mentioned this in awhile, because it seemed senseless to continually post or dwell upon my financial situation. Not dwelling on it allowed for 'upbeat' moods, and a numbness to what is hanging over my head..the guillotine of my debt.

I battled it last spring with all I could summon, and was left feeling helpless in the crappy reality of it all. Between the credit debt and the back taxes I felt like a mouse in a maze that ran into walls looking for the cheese that would help 'fix' it all. I tried bankruptcy...could not afford. I tried 401 K..not vested long enough...and there is no rich Uncle or sugar daddy to borrow from. My salary would be fine if I gave up paying rent and eating. I do not live a life of luxury, I never go out anywhere, except an occasional dollar menu feast at Taco Bell. Not even purchasing clothing except from Good Will.

Now the sharp blade has returned, pushing aside my puny efforts to ignore. I must confess that it is a daily worry that I feel in becoming homeless because of my debt. I rarely speak of it anywhere except my own head, and sometimes to Mel. I stopped sharing my worry at work many months ago, it just colored my days too much to talk about. I did enough of that after the 'kicked out', it got me nowhere but the land of morose. Not a fun gal, so I stopped.

My miracle has not occurred despite wishes and prayers.

There are 2 things I have come to know from this lesson in poverty....

forget about credit, if you cannot afford the cash, you cannot afford the debt;

and secondly..putting your trust in someone that you loved can really hurt you,

no matter how much you believed you were partners in everything and to help him was to help "us". They can start anew and erase their love and responsibility in a heartbeat, leaving you holding the baggage and bills from a life spent 'together.' And they never look back or wince one time from what they helped to cause. Guilt does not follow them, everything is shiny and new.

As far as they are concerned, they never played a part in ruining anyone else's life. And I guess that justice will come from no one but God.

~k

Just sitting and singing

Last night was my last night on Grave shift for now. I start back on Swing shift Saturday night, the busiest day of the week, and my longest shift. Challenges..lol..I know I can do it..but after working these shorter shifts since March it will likely knock me for a loop the first time. I'm excited and looking forward to it. There was a few days that it looked like it might be Day shift, which would have been cool too..as long as I can sleep when it's dark outside, lol.

Just sitting here singing with my headphones on..poor neighbors..hey..suitable torture for making me listen to army boots on my ceiling and the in and out running up and down the stairs and slamming of doors when I am trying to sleep. I am sure my voice might send them running to their cars..heh heh!( < secret plan! shhh!) I might have to sing louder and longer for furniture moving though.

We had a milder day on Tuesday and Gilly was window sitting..he came running into the room and under the bed and I heard a kitten crying loudly. I think he saw Gil and thought home! That's Gil, afraid of a baby. Jumped up, ran to the windows, no kitten. Opened the front door and saw my neighbor had just come home and left his door open...I knocked and asked if he had brought home a kitten..Nope..and a funky look. Told him I heard one..and went looking. I found no trace of the kitten and I know both Gil and I heard it...it's been bothering me for several days now that I did not find it...worrying over someone else's cat...yep..that's me. I keep picturing a cold wet kitten tucked someplace I could not see...Damn It.

Going to have to trick my body into getting ready for the time switch..should be great..when to sleep, or stay up way past tired. I foresee silly blogs. Hugs..

kel

decisions, decisions..

As in how to make one...decision. You weigh the pro's and con's, debate with yourself, and if you wait too long the decision is made for you. Hmm..that has been my dilemma this past week.

Essentially I am trying to decide which direction I should head, that would benefit all concerned, including myself. Bribery has been mentioned, big smile. (though I seriously doubt it..my leg was being pulled I believe.) I guess whatever will be, will be in one short week. It is very flattering to be wanted, especially after this past year. (as in Yeah! Somebody wants ME..lol) And yeah! Look! I can do something well after all. I will fill you in as I find out..which way I am going.

smiles...

~k

As Frosty would say...

"Happy Birthday!" Well, he did before he melted, and then again when he came back. Other than work, I am spending the day alone, but that's OK, it's what I normally do. Gilly has tried to sing to me several times, and I think he got his feelings hurt when I started to giggle. Bad Meowme.

I have a small cake, which at the most I will eat a slice or two of and then bury in the garbage. If you want some you know where I live, well some of you do. I could not find a small German chocolate, so it's simply yellow cake and white icing. Since it is not chocolate Gil can have some too, if he wants, you'd be surprised what interests him.

I have a major decision to make in the next couple of days. Besides Grave not wanting me to go, now both Swing and Day have expressed interest. I am weighing the pro's and con's before I let them know. Both shifts have advantages in their favor, though having Wednesday through Friday off is very tempting. (I would stay till 2am on Saturdays to make up the difference.) Thinking about calling them before I doze off today to find out what duties would be mine on swing. The pace is usually fast, which I like. But on Days I would have time to learn other things.

Argh!! It will come to me..just need some time to simmer a bit. And there is a supervisor class starting which I will likely be taking, a 6 month course, or so I have been told.

Thanks for the beautiful cards from my Dad, Uncle Bill and Aunt De and Uncle John. All were very appreciated, I love my family.

Since I never did make it out to sell the item I was holding, no socks for me just yet. I've been trying to get some of the other things clogging my in box taken care of first this week.

I still do not feel my age. I guess I am fortunate in that respect. In my heart as well as my body I still feel barely 40. I do not plan to ever let a number rule my life, it is all a matter of perspective. To all my Face Book friends, and my friends at work who wished me a Happy Day, thank you very much.

Hugs,

k

"Say Cheese!!!"

"39 and Holding..LOL!"

Watched an old movie...

I watched an older movie, and was swept away by these songs. They evoke such a beautiful

sentimental feeling. I've posted both songs that Norah Jones sang below.The old movie? Silly, sappy, but a feel good movie, "Maid in Manhattan." Just for the hope and tears and smiles, it was worth watching a third time, it's been a while since the second.

Close your eyes, lean back, and just listen. The songs transcend time, softly romantic, it feels like dancing slowly on a dark floor, shadows and soft prism reflections, breathing and moving in the arms of someone you love. Simple soulful melodies.

yes...I can have dreams too.

Come Away with Me

Don't Know Why

Cold Cold Heart

Drown in my own tears