Looking for my shoe box..where could it be?

I've reviewed my posts..what a sad sack of chit I am. Seriously, I depress myself.
I'm sick of feeling this way, so I guess I need to step back and start kicking myself in the ass.

I'm in the process of looking for a shoe box to rent. A small box to call my own.
I think that I have down sized about 4 times in my moves from place to place. Looks
like it will have to happen again. My paycheck (pitiful at this point in my life) will not stretch further than shoe box size even taking a second job, which I plan to do after the move.

Argh. ARGH!! ARGH!!!!!! ( walls are trembling with my ire..Super Argher that I am.)

Ya know, being alone does suck, but it is what it is. I can make myself happy. No dishes to wash,
no one to disappoint. No asses to wipe, or kiss for that matter.

I might try my luck in writing. I'm sure my heroines will be way cooler than me. Make myself jealous. Live vicariously through their fictional lives..Hmm..I could get into some real trouble, (heh-heh-heh)

Cross your fingers I find a shoe box what someone will actually rent to me.

Then let the claustrophobia begin!! Ha! My neighbors will hate my howling..things to look forward to.

Kel

**There might be a furry friend in my future. Yea!**

The circle is shrinking and down to one

I don't think I have ever felt so alone in a house full of people before.
I really wish I knew what it was that I said or did that caused me to not
be a part, a family member, and not a despised stranger., someone who they cannot
even bring themselves to say hello or goodbye to.

People that used to enjoy the sharing of our lives have locked the door.

What could I have said? What horrible thing could I done, that I do not
even remember? Surely something that Bad would have stood out?
Been some storm of a moment that was unforgettable in it's wrongness?

I lost my only comfort months ago. The only part that felt love for me,
the companion that helped heal my broken heart. It seems that I am not
allowed to bring another into my life for solace either.

Now I go to work, to a job that is unfulfilling and does not meet my needs,
and I come home to being separate and alone. Even my old friends
are disappearing slowly.

My life has not progressed, it keeps regressing to become smaller and more
hurt filled than ever. At least in the past I could see where my blunt
honesty and anger had done it's damage. Now I feel like someone stumbling around
in the dark for any kind of answer.

I used to feel loved, if not by a lover, at least by my family.

If I continue to keep moving lower where will it stop? Does my
existence on this planet mean anything anymore? Did it ever?

What a huge waste of time and space I have become. I can't even
write a happy plucky blog anymore, not for a very long time now.

It seems I cannot make a  difference for the better for anyone, but especially
for myself. Making someone smile and feel good was a
part of who I am, and it made me feel better about myself.

I guess that is something I can only share with strangers now.
Passing moments of wishing someone a good day or asking about
their welfare. Here it is ignored, and painfully at that.

 I have to hide in my room, because my presence is not appreciated
and my good wishes or intentions are not wanted. I tried to take the strain off a
few months ago, tried being more independent and not a burden. Somehow that
just made things worse. Nothing was further from my intentions.

I don't think I will ever find happy again, because I am not wanted or needed anymore,
by anyone. I am not going out to search for something to fulfill me, I am done with that,
it just makes for more hurt and more misunderstanding.

I hope my next life is better, I cannot see this one changing. The hope is there,
the ability is not.

Sorry readers. I know that everyone has their own problems and their own emotional
disasters to deal with.  I do wish happiness for you.

I've lost a piece of my heart today

Gilligan..sweet, loving, my little buddy. Slept beside me, greeted me when I came home. Traveled to new homes together  3 times, never cried or carried on, a quiet companion. He talked to me as cats will do, and I swear he understood me. I had to let him go today.

He was 15 years old, and I wanted him to be with me always, selfish but true. The vet said that he had end stage renal failure and diabetes. He had been visibly failing for weeks, his movements slow and painful, so unlike himself just 3 months ago. His eyes sad, dark and pain filled.

It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do, saying good bye to him. I feel like I've lost a piece of my heart that will always be empty now. I held him and cried, telling him how much I loved him, telling him that I would see him again, and wishing that none of what was happening was real.

So many people have said " just get another cat." They haven't a clue who he was, what he meant to me, and how he cannot be replaced.

Gilligan, I hope that we will meet again. Mommy loves you more than words can say. Wait for me little buddy in heaven. My heart will hold you close until that time.

                                                        Gilligan 

                                               9-2004 - 6-20-2018

2-17-2018 (no title)

I'm lonely.

For 4 years I was either told my opinion was not wanted, or I was talked at, as in correcting me, not talking to me.

I'm starting to feel pretty low about it. Holding out for 4 years, I guess, is either me being
stubborn/strong, or hoping things would change.

Even with a mild antidepressant I feel my tears waiting at the edge, ready to pour, but I still
don't want to give in, I may not be able to stop. Can't blame this on hormones, have not had those for years.

I'd really just like a friend. Someone to joke around with, share my thoughts, go out and have fun.

Ok..full whine..I'm so tired of this shit.

Something has to change.


K 

Merry Christmas and ghosts of Christmas past

Feeling sadly nostalgic and missing friends and family far away, some incredibly far, waiting in heaven for our next visit. Sort of makes you want to kick yourself for not really spending enough time with them before they left. We've lost 3 this past year. Why didn't I call or write more often?

We don't like to think in "what if's". Running around worried that you might not get another chance, and life is very busy, too much going on, gotta rush, see you later. We always plan on seeing them, and then it is unfortunately too late.

I think that the solution is to always tell someone how much they mean to you every chance you get. Don't wait, make it a habit, but a sincere one that will still find you sad that they are gone, but also leave you knowing that you told them how much they mean to you often.

Make time. There will always be something with work, or shopping, housework, etc. A phone call won't break the bank. Make plans. Our elders were always there for us, and always ready to listen or bend our ears.  Or you can make regret your byword.

There are things outside of our control, and it's frustrating. Unable to say goodbyes because of cost and distance, or illness. Or they knew but did not share how short their time was to spend with you. We cannot change these things. But we can..

   Say "I love you. I'm thinking about you. How have you been?  I miss you."


Merry Christmas to all I love in heaven and on earth.

Kel

Latest Update, after move to Ohio

I am alive and well in Ohio. Finally employed as of Nov.1. Hurt my back on Oct 3, and I am still recovering. Not having health insurance really sucks. I have no idea if there was serious damage done or not, but the recovery time is taking a lot longer than any previous back injury. (last one was when I was 35 yrs old, and it healed within a few days) Getting older bites, but it beats the alternative, that's for sure.

No medical insurance with the new job. El cheapo company with only 4 employees at my work site.

I'm appreciating the change in seasons, I missed that. The cold here is a lot damper than Colorado, and I am feeling the difference, just seems colder to me. Working the entire Thanksgiving weekend, Thurs-Sun. Nothing really new there, I've always had to work holidays before.

Looking forward to a paycheck this week, the cupboard is bare, seriously bare, as in cobwebs have moved in. I'm sure that the bank is thrilled with my low balance. In other news, my car was paid off this October, and I am finally free of car payments again.

Wishing everyone a wonderful holiday season! Spend if with your loved ones, whether they are family or good friends, and appreciate your time with them. A special thanks to P and W for taking me in and helping me start over once again. Prayers for those in my family that need some special assistance in regaining their health, my thoughts are always with you.

***Fell this Tuesday. Had to call 911 today because the pain was so bad I could not get out of bed,
Signed up for a very cheap insurance which will cover next to nothing. ER did nothing for me. Sad now.*****

Love,

Kel

Back across the Mississippi

For those watching for an update I am bound eastward, just not all the way to the east coast.

I have worked OT for the entire time I have worked here, with the objective of affording a move either into my own apartment here, or moving back home. Suffice it to say that making money to save it, and being applicable for low income housing are 2 separate things, an unpleasant Catch-22.

I frantically began a search for a place here when the wagon train eastbound denied me passage.
Not going any further with that. Words were said, and life here has not been good. I was pointed towards the Loveland Housing Authority. Again, I made $800-1000 too much, and the wait was 6 months to 2 years, not something that would help me in a hurry. I drove the rounds of apartments that
advertised tax credit or low income assistance. Everyone of them stated that I did not qualify, because I had worked OT.

So it seemed that Colorado had made my decision for me. I have two wonderful nieces who I love very much. When Michelle first offered her sofa in Virginia her older sister Paula also offered a place for me to get on my feet again. Virginia is far too expensive a place to afford rent, and find work, while indefinitely occupying her couch. Paula lives in Toledo, Ohio. The cost of living is lower, there is work to be had, and I am welcome, which is a good feeling after the past months here.

I will miss my friends that I have made in Colorado. They have been good shoulders to cry on, great minds that think alike, and much laughter was shared. They understand that there really ended up being no choice for me, but to go.

A fresh start, or once again into the great unknown..seems to be a pattern, but I hope that this time breaks the chain. I have lived in Ohio before as a teenager and liked it. Moving from Ohio to So.California was a rude awakening..like, gee, where are all the trees? Pavement and no groves of trees to be seen.

Well wish me luck, it's going to be a very busy next 2 weeks.
If you see a woman driving a U-Haul and towing a car, with an unhappy cat in the front seat, that just might be me.


Kel~*