Someone to talk to

Someone to talk to.  To share ideas, dreams, conflicts, history. The thing I miss the most about the ex-asshole is the time spent just talking. It is something rare, or at least it has been for me. Do I want him back? No. But I do want someone who can spark the flames of my brain.

He does not have to be an Adonis. Be at my own age would be fine. I am not a 20 something plastic Barbie. Not looking for someone to rescue me. Sex? ummm, no, unless by some strange happenstance it was meant to be. And Not a woman. Why? Because I want challenge, and a fellow female would be agreeing with me, and frankly, I'm heterosexual, zero attraction to a fellow female. Why attraction? Lol..because  attraction does spark interaction, and not necessarily a sexual thing.

Somewhere out there is someone sitting along waiting for someone else to just talk to them. Do we have to agree? No. Will there be lively debate? God, I hope so.

To give that someone ammunition, I am a liberal. (in case my blog did not somehow pass that on)
If I had the means I would remove our freaking president of the moment by myself. Since, I do not , please understand a Trump supporter would do nothing but piss me off. So, don't go there, please.

If by some chance there is a 59+ male out there who would enjoy a lively conversation, leave me a comment. I'm not holding my breath. I am not on any dating sites. I don't socialize outside of work, so the odds are definitely not in my favor.

But I though throwing it out there couldn't hurt  Being lonely sucks.

Kel

The Ol' Lady in her shoe box

I'm comfortable. Not a dream space by far, but it could have been much worse, soooo.. yeah me.

My move was chaotic and fast moving. What does that mean you ask? It means I have pots with lids that are not the right size, Ha! It means I have no knives that are worth a quick cut. It means a lot of the decorations that were with me in West Virginia and Colorado are in a box still in my niece's garage.(I tried last week to find some things but I was melting, it was too damn hot and humid for exploring, I was drenched in minutes)

 I am not as strong as I used to be. Lifting and moving boxes in summer heat is hard work. Plus I really do have very limited space for anything here. As in unless I can grow another 2 feet taller there is no more room in the kitchen. My step ladder will not reach the top of the kitchen cabinets.I have never felt so short in my entire life!. I know a damn man designed these apartments. Half of what I saw when searching for a place to settle was the same. WHO are these people??? Giants?

I have a theory..well, it it is... a brain fart that floats around in my head since moving here. I think that Viking people settled here. I have have seen some damn tall men around Toledo. Makes me wonder...hmmm..maybe shifters? And yes, I have just confirmed that I am losing what is left of my mind. I see an older male over 6'5 and I do ask...is that the Alpha wolf? Lol..I spend way too much time reading paranormal fantasy these days, so sometimes it leaches over into my real life encountours. But seriously some of these dudes both young and older are damn tall.  One of them is likely the architect that drew up plans for a 9 foot tall  kitchen cabinet.

I am biding time at work. It sucks (just like the last 2 summers) that Security are not counted as employees of Medical Mutual. Which means no AIR. It turns off Friday night and does not come on again until Monday at 0100. Oh, and I work the weekend. There is NO air in the Security Jeep. I am required to be in the parking lot for 3 hours each Thursday and Friday. So each work week for me means sweating, and feeling nauseated at the heat. By Sunday night at midnight I am so literally sick of being there. The business is closing this location as of January 2020. After summer is over I will be back on active search for another job. Unless a miracle occurs it will be another just like this one. No one is looking for someone almost 60 in a new job. There are no higher paying jobs that want someone close to retirement age. (not that I can afford to retire, which is another Catch 22)

I find myself playing the odds game. If I retire at 65..will it give me 2 good years before I am either out of money or dead? I don't expect to be long lived. Both my mom and maternal grandmother died before 70. So I am basing my decisions on that. I have no healthcare. If things get bad then I am not afraid to move on to what comes next, meaning "out of money and in bad health? Self euthanasia. I imagine I am not alone in these thoughts. There must be millions of seniors in the same position.
These Happy Golden years...yeah. may be for our parents and grandparents, for us? Not so much.

Well, that got a bit morbid, sorry. If you spend a lot of time alone you are lost in your own thoughts. There is no one to bounce things off of. And seriously, it would upset most people to talk about planned suicide. I'd rather go before things get really bad. It seems sensible to me. I have no kids to take care of me, no spouse, no friends. No one is offering me free food, or housing. or medical care.


My life could have gone in so many different directions. But here I am. My choices were made long ago, there is no going back, unfortunately. I hope if I get a next life that I make better choices. I hope that I am surrounded by friends and family. I hope that the new me appreciates what the old me did not. I hope that I find a lover that completes me and is the guiding light in that next life.

Enough for now,
Kel

Looking for my shoe box..where could it be?

I've reviewed my posts..what a sad sack of chit I am. Seriously, I depress myself.
I'm sick of feeling this way, so I guess I need to step back and start kicking myself in the ass.

I'm in the process of looking for a shoe box to rent. A small box to call my own.
I think that I have down sized about 4 times in my moves from place to place. Looks
like it will have to happen again. My paycheck (pitiful at this point in my life) will not stretch further than shoe box size even taking a second job, which I plan to do after the move.

Argh. ARGH!! ARGH!!!!!! ( walls are trembling with my ire..Super Argher that I am.)

Ya know, being alone does suck, but it is what it is. I can make myself happy. No dishes to wash,
no one to disappoint. No asses to wipe, or kiss for that matter.

I might try my luck in writing. I'm sure my heroines will be way cooler than me. Make myself jealous. Live vicariously through their fictional lives..Hmm..I could get into some real trouble, (heh-heh-heh)

Cross your fingers I find a shoe box what someone will actually rent to me.

Then let the claustrophobia begin!! Ha! My neighbors will hate my howling..things to look forward to.

Kel

**There might be a furry friend in my future. Yea!**

The circle is shrinking and down to one

I don't think I have ever felt so alone in a house full of people before.
I really wish I knew what it was that I said or did that caused me to not
be a part, a family member, and not a despised stranger., someone who they cannot
even bring themselves to say hello or goodbye to.

People that used to enjoy the sharing of our lives have locked the door.

What could I have said? What horrible thing could I done, that I do not
even remember? Surely something that Bad would have stood out?
Been some storm of a moment that was unforgettable in it's wrongness?

I lost my only comfort months ago. The only part that felt love for me,
the companion that helped heal my broken heart. It seems that I am not
allowed to bring another into my life for solace either.

Now I go to work, to a job that is unfulfilling and does not meet my needs,
and I come home to being separate and alone. Even my old friends
are disappearing slowly.

My life has not progressed, it keeps regressing to become smaller and more
hurt filled than ever. At least in the past I could see where my blunt
honesty and anger had done it's damage. Now I feel like someone stumbling around
in the dark for any kind of answer.

I used to feel loved, if not by a lover, at least by my family.

If I continue to keep moving lower where will it stop? Does my
existence on this planet mean anything anymore? Did it ever?

What a huge waste of time and space I have become. I can't even
write a happy plucky blog anymore, not for a very long time now.

It seems I cannot make a  difference for the better for anyone, but especially
for myself. Making someone smile and feel good was a
part of who I am, and it made me feel better about myself.

I guess that is something I can only share with strangers now.
Passing moments of wishing someone a good day or asking about
their welfare. Here it is ignored, and painfully at that.

 I have to hide in my room, because my presence is not appreciated
and my good wishes or intentions are not wanted. I tried to take the strain off a
few months ago, tried being more independent and not a burden. Somehow that
just made things worse. Nothing was further from my intentions.

I don't think I will ever find happy again, because I am not wanted or needed anymore,
by anyone. I am not going out to search for something to fulfill me, I am done with that,
it just makes for more hurt and more misunderstanding.

I hope my next life is better, I cannot see this one changing. The hope is there,
the ability is not.

Sorry readers. I know that everyone has their own problems and their own emotional
disasters to deal with.  I do wish happiness for you.

I've lost a piece of my heart today

Gilligan..sweet, loving, my little buddy. Slept beside me, greeted me when I came home. Traveled to new homes together  3 times, never cried or carried on, a quiet companion. He talked to me as cats will do, and I swear he understood me. I had to let him go today.

He was 15 years old, and I wanted him to be with me always, selfish but true. The vet said that he had end stage renal failure and diabetes. He had been visibly failing for weeks, his movements slow and painful, so unlike himself just 3 months ago. His eyes sad, dark and pain filled.

It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do, saying good bye to him. I feel like I've lost a piece of my heart that will always be empty now. I held him and cried, telling him how much I loved him, telling him that I would see him again, and wishing that none of what was happening was real.

So many people have said " just get another cat." They haven't a clue who he was, what he meant to me, and how he cannot be replaced.

Gilligan, I hope that we will meet again. Mommy loves you more than words can say. Wait for me little buddy in heaven. My heart will hold you close until that time.

                                                        Gilligan 

                                               9-2004 - 6-20-2018

2-17-2018 (no title)

I'm lonely.

For 4 years I was either told my opinion was not wanted, or I was talked at, as in correcting me, not talking to me.

I'm starting to feel pretty low about it. Holding out for 4 years, I guess, is either me being
stubborn/strong, or hoping things would change.

Even with a mild antidepressant I feel my tears waiting at the edge, ready to pour, but I still
don't want to give in, I may not be able to stop. Can't blame this on hormones, have not had those for years.

I'd really just like a friend. Someone to joke around with, share my thoughts, go out and have fun.

Ok..full whine..I'm so tired of this shit.

Something has to change.


K 

Merry Christmas and ghosts of Christmas past

Feeling sadly nostalgic and missing friends and family far away, some incredibly far, waiting in heaven for our next visit. Sort of makes you want to kick yourself for not really spending enough time with them before they left. We've lost 3 this past year. Why didn't I call or write more often?

We don't like to think in "what if's". Running around worried that you might not get another chance, and life is very busy, too much going on, gotta rush, see you later. We always plan on seeing them, and then it is unfortunately too late.

I think that the solution is to always tell someone how much they mean to you every chance you get. Don't wait, make it a habit, but a sincere one that will still find you sad that they are gone, but also leave you knowing that you told them how much they mean to you often.

Make time. There will always be something with work, or shopping, housework, etc. A phone call won't break the bank. Make plans. Our elders were always there for us, and always ready to listen or bend our ears.  Or you can make regret your byword.

There are things outside of our control, and it's frustrating. Unable to say goodbyes because of cost and distance, or illness. Or they knew but did not share how short their time was to spend with you. We cannot change these things. But we can..

   Say "I love you. I'm thinking about you. How have you been?  I miss you."


Merry Christmas to all I love in heaven and on earth.

Kel