And now

I am poor. Ron's dreams came true. Yeah for him. Who needs food and healthcare anyway? Oh, I guess not me. Thank you IRS, thank you Ron. For taking and not paying back. I guess food stamps are the next paperwork I get to fill out, that and medical assistance..oh wait..they already said no since I had a newer car. Duh. No medical then, or food money.

Nothing else to say. I'm done.

The waiting game

It seems to be taking forever for me to collect my information, submit it, and now wait for answers. I am still due to visit Martinsburg IRS this morning. That should be lovely. The office looks pleasant from the outside, and then you enter a short hall, to find a guard, a row of seats against the wall, and high walled cubicles. It should not resemble a jail, but unfortunately that is what came to mind on my first viewing it. I tried to go yesterday afternoon, and there was an at least 2 hr wait. I opted on visiting work and having a nice lady named Connie answer my questions on financial information required by licensing, that is almost complete. Just waiting on tax and pension information. Unfortunately for me, it appears I will be paying the state and the Feds for the rest of my born days. Why?? Because I cannot afford to pay very much per month, and the bill is high.

Capital gains. Who would have thought my paying for someone else's taxes would put me in hot water with my own. Who would have thought that partner would bail on me because he did not want debt that he helped to create. It was His not taking responsibility for his own debts, and my feeling like I was part of a team that would stay together and deal with paying things off. Oops! My bad, I trusted the wrong person. And now I will pay for it forever. Kind of hard to let go of something when a check book causes you to remember it at least once per month.

After the IRS visit, it's home, a nap and back to work. My days off have not been fun since grave shift started. Mostly I am juggling sleep hours, work to be done, and drives to make. Besides, there is no money for play at all anymore. I can barely afford red box movies, never mind going to the theater. If I seem bummed, sorry, it's discouraging to have to run this course every time I get paid, it's gone in less than a heartbeat, and I am lucky if it covers my needs.

Have a good day all,

k

Call me 'Henny Penny'

On several occasions since March I have attempted online dating. Each time I find myself afraid to answer after someone responds. I start with good intentions and a small sense of adventure, then I turn chicken and feel 'finger-tied' on e-mailing them back. If someone even mentions live chat or Instant message I am out of there faster than a speeding Road Island Red. I over analyze my responses afraid I will say the wrong thing. I look into the mirror, see imagined feathers and a no longer young face and feel unrecognizable to myself. Why do I keep trying? In the hope that I might actually find someone who will be the man friend I am looking for.

When I first gained my freedom after 19 years of servitude( marriage) I felt free and alive, a bit wild. I did use good common sense, talked to a few men online and wisely pushed for a public place to meet, usually for coffee. I met about 3 men that way, 2 were never seen again, and the third I fell in love with almost instantly. We were together for 9 years, unfortunately not for the life time that I hoped for us. When it ended, I was a changed person, perhaps forever. That damage was done to my psyche, something I never thought was so fragile.

I am not sure why my confidence has fled. I never felt my age before this, it was not important enough to fuss over. I did not think it mattered and now I do. Even if the man who responds is my age, I still feel too old for them..why? Because so many men search for someone younger to make them feel young again? ..hmm..perhaps. But..I am too chicken to give them a chance to prove otherwise.

My friends tell me to give myself time,not to rush it, though it has been 5 months now. The daily weeping of heartbreak has long since passed, the anger slowly dissipated to a dullness, and now at last seems to be leaving as well. Having a male companion is something I would like to have in my life, but I have no intentions of getting serious again. I'd like to be able to have good times without falling for the next guy who makes me smile and gives me shivers. That is a good part of why I run, I am so afraid my own heart will screw me over and do the 'dumb' thing again. Or that it might be real, and I will f-it up. Or they might be lying..and that is the kicker. I just don't want any more of the kind of hurt I have just been through.

There is also a significant fear of actually meeting someone in person. Any confidence I had flees replaced by worry about my safety, and I never felt like this before. Whether nice, mean, or a heart breaker..makes no difference. I am so conflicted right now...and leaving a trail of feathers wherever I go, and closed dating accounts. I have not felt shy since ever..but that is how I am feeling now...so not me. Man shy...lmao. In my work life I feel the same me.. . In my personal life I am a stranger.

Where did 'I' go? And how can I get 'me' back?

Sifting through a pile of feathers looking for my courage,

k

It has not made the news yet..updated 12-19-11

It has not made the news yet, and I have been anxiously waiting to hear all about it! That plan, you know the one that You said I was holding You back from accomplishing? The great success story that shows everyone how wonderful You really are? Well has it? You know, the mid-life thingie that people go through, as they mull over what they have not done, and how little they have to show for being on the planet..wait..that is a man's 'excuse' for a midlife crisis. Ok..how about the grand design for ownership of something exclusively yours? That leap that my body somehow blocked you from reaching, and I somehow did not support. ( or was that I could not pay for it? I forget...well, I certainly hope you found a rich one to help you then.) Or was it Your mark on humanity, the idea that would save the planet and enlighten the masses?

Ok, that was my sarcasm after a long night and a dreadful week of no accomplishment against MY financial monster. I will apologize for being snide, but after all these months, that argument You made when I asked "Why?" still bugs the crap out of me. You went on and on with your reasons, never realizing that as I sat there I was thinking " Bullshit." I went from being hurt to feeling pissed off that you would really believe I would buy any of it.

There was never a moment I did not stand behind you, whatever dreams you had. You have to realize that dreams sometimes have limitations in real life, usually because of the almighty dollar and lack of it. Did you want a brainless cheerleader? ( hmm..you might have found that) Never having been a fan of rah-rah's, I fail to see how someone with pom-poms can win the game if there is no strength or drive in the quarterback.. The quiet and unfailing support of a fan sometimes makes much more of difference. They are there, good games and bad games. Their presence means someone cares if you win or lose. They don't stop coming because of failure. And they support you even if you don't carry home the trophy. They don't change teams because the other side has a handsome quarterback, or a flashier image. They don't hang out with the team because it is a step up, something that makes them look better, or as an escape.

So, yes. I'd like to know if that argument was just so much hot air being released, or depression left from your Father's passing. Is it still a reason why when it was unsubstantiated and was not true? (Me- the roadblock to Your winning everything) Or was the real reason the boredom that follows you and your consistent answer to fixing that problem? Maybe there is something more constructive you can do that will bring a larger sense of peace, and a better feeling about yourself. And yes, I know you are smart enough to give a hundred reasons, but the real one is the hardest to admit, and that one was something You never really said in your litany of reasons. I know true when I hear it.

**By the way, this is not a plea for reinstatement, nor is it a whine, or a rant. It is simply a request for honesty, an answer to a question that was never really answered. Your reasons did not ring true, and part of me just wants to know the truth, or that you ever admitted it to yourself.**

the old fan from the bleachers, (popcorn stuck to the bottom of my shoes)

k
************************
12/19/2011-- trading one life for another because of either boredom or fear is NOT what you were claiming I kept you from. It was the grandiose dreams of being famous/rich/or another Gandhi. If relationships were socks, you'd wear them just long enough to develop holes that You had worn through and then traded in for another used pair, believing you were starting something new.  Your silent remarks by picking a particular blog I wrote to make some sort of point are really quite silly.
I no longer have a smidgen of respect for you . When you set out to hurt me as much as you possibly could to attain your next step, your next 'want', you killed it. There was No reason for your treatment of me that can be justified. All I ever gave you was love, patience, friendship, and tried to provide you a better life than where you previously had been.   Whatever lies you told to achieve your end results will be the fuse that is lit when karma comes rolling along.
k

The ant and Goliath

Today is one of those days that I feel like an ant trying to push a tractor trailer up the hill.

The ant: determined but not getting anywhere. And this ant is not looking for sympathy, just a great deal more strength. Like a couple Trillion more ants, all beefed up on steroids, to help push.

k

Curses! Curses! Foiled Again!

* Note: if you are OLD enough, you will recognize where the title actually came from. If you don't, I am afraid you are NOT old enough to read this blog.* LOL

Me and Snidely Whiplash...cursing the day away..well, the morning anyway. I am soon for bed, work starts at 11pm. I have tried this week to get more sleep in, I think I succeeded there, but failed in my other endeavors. I am loathe to put something here that someone else might get a happy kick out of..but here goes nothing..( and if you get a kick...or enjoyment out of someone else's troubles, more sad to you...what goes around comes around.)

Phone calls, phone tag and disappointing news today. I had hopes that I would be able to use part of my 401 K to get the bankruptcy filed and taken care of. No such luck. I have not been vested long enough, no loan is forth coming. That leaves one last avenue of desperation..the Sunshine fund at work. If I apply they review, and it take at least 2 weeks. Funny thing is I have heard that there is quite a lot of money in the fund, and it required you pay back through paycheck deductions, but they don't easily share the fund. ( and wow- my paycheck really cannot afford to be further deducted.) So here I go for plan B...the last shot at fixing the mess I have currently with my creditors. If this fails..oh well..I fail. I am hanging onto hope with bloody fingertips, cursing and trying to swing my legs up to crawl over the top. Good grief...it's quite a load I am trying to clean up.

I don't want my future to be one creditor after another taking me to court. Really, I don't. The judge is going to get sick of seeing me. And I am not even talking about taxes yet. Those I know I Have to pay, even if it's a barely a bite, I have to send something. Heavy sighes, and kicking my own butt for being so damn gullible in a relationship that I trusted, if I had not, my debt would be less than half, and I would not owe the government, he would.

I am trying to keep hope in my heart that everything will work out, I really am. If anyone has a suggestion on what else I might be able to do, I am all ears and eager to hear ideas. Seriously, leave a comment, I am looking for miracles right now.

hugs..and hanging onto my hope,

k

Hope and blueberry pie

"Hope springs eternal in the human breast"

Alexander Pope

Hope has carried me through some of worst couple months of my life so far, and I believe will be toting me along for years to come. I know I face challenges right now that I have never before had to deal with, and definitely not alone. I keep my chin up that my career, my finances, my love life, and my living alone will all work out somehow. Some of that will be due to hard work, and the rest is up to fate. I know that I am good people, I have not done anything to anyone that I regret doing. My assertiveness is returning, but eh..my confidence in me is taking it's time. That is understandable under the circumstances in which my life changed, it's hard to be positive about yourself when someone's actions toward you were so incredibly negative. This did not do much to make my self confidence grow, but with time, I "Hope" to get that back as well.

Maybe I am still that 16 year old who only cursed in a weird " God Bless Blueberry muffins!" mutter. My love of musicals and theater started when I was in my teens. Having watched " South Pacific" live, and listened to it many times on an old vinyl record, might have helped me to become Nellie-Kelly. At 16 I was naive, and I did not drink, smoke, have sex, or really use swear words. Yes, I have my moments of swearing now, a lot of time has passed. But I still feel as Corny as Kansas in August, and normal as blueberry pie quite often.

There is not much that sets me apart from a lot of other women in my age group, except perhaps my limited serious love life, only 2 men have held my heart in their care. Maybe because I never really did the dating scene during my teen years or later, it stunted my self confidence when it came to how I view my appeal, my take on feeling attractive. That awkward teenager who was too curvy at a time when curves were not in, made me very self conscious, add glasses and braces and Voila! Goober girl! I am not sure if any more time will really help change my view of myself at this point in my life. As with most folks there are parts of me that I appreciate, and parts I wish I could change

But ya know what? I still have hope. Maybe my "Some Enchanted Evening" is ahead of me, waiting to happen. A Handsome, sexy French man could secretly be waiting on a South Pacific island just for me...lol!

Hugs,

k