Holiday Season

You know I used to love the Holiday season, the festive decorations, the spirit shared. As a single person it has become a hard thing to get through. I miss the family being together; I miss the fellowship of the season in church. I know I could correct this by connecting with a local church, but my schedule is a hard thing to get around. I used to be a member of a choir, but my voice is not what it once was. (earplugs required)

Believe it or not, I am not bitching, just reminiscing. I do miss the Joy of Christmas past. I have not been able to afford to give for several years, and that was a thing that always made me happy, seeing the joy in another s face,.I miss having gatherings that brought us all together, disparate though we might have been, somehow it worked out, mixing two families and making it work.

I look forward to a future where this can happen once again. I don't care if the family is mine or not, it's the joy of sharing that draws me. I tried after my marriage broke up, and every year it felt wrong. My Mother passing shortly after the holidays after She  herself tried to bring things together. My trying to bring joy to a person who celebrated depression instead of the holidays. It was almost as though that was what he wanted it to be. And finally alone, wondering if this is what was my due for ending a marriage and starting a failed relationship.

I won't give up. I refuse to. I know that the Joy of the Season can be mine again. I know that I can feel peace and fellowship again. It's only a matter of time and circumstance.

I watched a movie tonight, shortly after I had made the decision to Not decorate for the holiday. That movie changed my mind. I sat sniffling and realizing that only I can make the decision that shapes this season for me. If I forgo the celebration I know how much I will miss it. So I will pull out the little tree and light it each night when I return from work. It won't bring me people to share my holiday, but it will be a beacon for my own soul.

Don't take for granted the gift of sharing the season with your family. There won't be a chance to bring it back if you pass it by. Relax, breathe in, watch and participate. It's all over so fast and who knows when it will come again.

Believe.


K

Everyone's trying to hang on

I sometimes imagine some CEO gazing blankly out an office window, and pondering their wealth, knowing that they have reached the top of the food chain. In their royal office they sit far above their employees who run to and fro with necessary menial jobs. Is there a part of them that can even conceive what it's like on the bottom rung of their company? Can they relate to a paycheck that does not cover your bills? Either they cannot, or they simply do not care.

I am hanging onto the bottom of that ladder, but it's getting hard to have a good grip. Most of the time I am told " Be grateful you have a job." Rest assured, I am grateful. I am happy to do my job, but I do not feel secure.

I have been working since I was 16 years old. There may have been some short gaps in employment, but never a lengthy one. Back in the 80's and 90's I felt like I could walk in anywhere and get a job, and they were happy to have me. I work my ass off because I DO have a good work ethic. That's a part of how my generation views and accepts duty to perform. We normally kick ass because that is the job culture we grew up with.

Since 2009 and the crash of Wall Street, companies seem to be running scared. They look for cheap labor, and part time labor so they do not have to pay an employee benefits. They KNOW that people will fill the gaps because we have no where else to go. The long term employee and the company " buy in" is disappearing.  It's hard to have faith in an employer when we are having our hours cut.

 Our grand parents and parents sometimes worked as an employee for one company for a life time. They were compensated for their loyalty, and had a retirement that was affordable. We've lost that kind of security. We are now always in fear, and that job security is not possible.

It's also hard for us to understand a CEO's fears when we need to be able to pay our household bills and keep a roof over our heads. We don't live like people who have money live.

We just hope that we can pay our utility bills to keep the lights and heat on.

Trips to exotic locations? Nope..Can we afford to eat meat this week?

A night on the town? Hopefully we can pay our cable bill this month.

 Luxury automobiles? Damn..how can I afford to pay for  the repair of my old car? How will I get to work?

Eating in a restaurant?  Do we still have milk? We get a great deal less for our money at the food store than we did 10 years ago.

So if you are not one of the higher ups a partial paycheck means 2 jobs. I cannot imagine that our economy will suddenly improve, so prices are not going to go down, they will just keep rising. I watch as the GAP between the rich and the poor is starting to look like a gaze across the Grand Canyon, the other side is getting hard to see, getting  wider everyday.

And yes, I wish the days of our grandparents had not disappeared. I have never in my life been a part-time
employee. I am not comfortable knowing my job could disappear in a heart beat. I am truly one paycheck away from living on the street, just like every hourly employee  I work with. This is not a secure life, It's living on the edge and all of us are just trying to hang on.

K

Sometimes life can suck

Sometimes, no matter how much you care and try to help someone, there is no solution. There comes a time when people need to find their own way. This is not saying that you do not care, but it can become a kind of co-dependence, a perpetual cycle that keeps on repeating because the person you are trying to help won't take responsibility for their own selves. It's easier to have someone help them, or someone to blame.

Today was a sad day, but it could also be a day of new beginnings. I hope that they continue to see it that way; it's a fresh start. It will not be easy. I know about beginning over, I have done it at least twice in my adult life. The first time I was charged with the belief that this was a new start and something wonderful could happen. The second time was a great deal harder because that something wonderful failed miserably.
Was I at rock bottom? Yes, I do believe I was.  It sure as hell felt like it.

My blogs (3 of them) reflect the changes and ups and downs of my stumbling into a new beginning,. It was not done by my choice, but because I simply had no other way to go. I know how hard it was by going back and recollecting my steps through my grief of what I felt was a failure.  Now I know the failure was not mine. It was destined to be because that something special really wasn't.

But it was really not a FAIL..not at all. I did my best to make something impossible work. When I was tossed out the world loomed quite intimidatingly in my face, and it took a great deal of courage to start over again at my age. But what other choice did I have? There really wasn't one, there is no fixing a problem that someone has, no matter how much you want it. If nothing else I do know that I am stronger now and I will never again depend on another person to complete me, because I complete myself.

I hope that the person I am speaking of can take those first steps. They will be painful. It won't be easy. But in the end you will attain a sense of pride in what You did to make a better life for yourself. And I know he can do it. He will have to kick himself in the pants a few times, but life is nothing if not new possibilities. I hope you find that, I really do. Get the help you need to set things straight, and see things through for yourself. Do not fall back into dependency on another to find your way. Get healthy and then get your head straight. From there on any obstacles will be easily overcome, because you will have faith in yourself. You Can Do It.

I truly hope that you read this...
~K

Another year wiser

That day, the one that approaches on sneaky little feet, is rapidly approaching. Another year notched in the Totem pole of my life...looks a little like a grinning cat now. There will not be fireworks to commemorate the day, no marching bands, no lively old man with a fiddle and a knowing grin. This is all just fine with me as it is just another day on the calender.

My sweet Dad sent me a very unexpected gift, a heart pendant with a cross, which is beautiful in its self, but the inscription on the back made my day, my year and a lifetime of smiles. "My little girl yesterday, my friend today, my daughter forever." Yep, got a little teary, and it means so much to me.  I quickly removed my heart necklace leftover from another time in my life, and replaced it with the new. If you know me, then you know I don't often change my jewelry, and this one will probably never be taken off.

I've spent the last several days with a very good friend who reminds me that we don't always have to behave, but to her credit it is usually me who is the troublemaker. I don't know, I believe it because I am free to be myself in her company. So much of life is spent at work acting the part that is expected by corporate. Smile, offer to help (which is not something I mind doing.) Coach and discipline, and don't share some of  what is going on. There are days when I'd like to tear off the jacket and just be a troublemaker..lol.

I'm wondering what new things the coming year will bring. With a smile in my heart I am hoping for the good and wishing away the bad. (roll those sleeves up girl and wade right into the thick of it...) Changes are coming and I am ready.

If you are reading this Pop, a giant hug and many kisses..you made this ol'
gal very happy to be your daughter.

Hugs,

~K 

What's Going On?

Ah friends, be grateful that I was Not posting here often during the Shutdown, I saved my rants for Facebook. The best thing to come of that fiasco was the Tea Party Republicans discrediting themselves for any future elections in the immediate future. It was a hostage taking pure and simple, and in any other time would have been considered sedition and their asses would now be in jail. They accomplished nothing they intended to do. They have been trying to prevent the White House and Obama from making any creditable change during his tenure. But their hissy fit over The Affordable Care Act was a group of people who had lost trying to get their way through extortion. It cost the U.S. 24 billion dollars. Many people who needed those Government retirement checks; National Parks who could not let the public in; Veterans who waited for disability checks..all of them were hurt by a few people who pirated the country. They did not have a noble cause.

In other news...I have been very busy at work lately, some overtime included. Tonight was the last big race of this year, The West Virginia Breeders Classic, and we were mobbed. All of us ran all night. Reports out the ying-yang and a great deal of dodging the crowds. I finally figured out (With Managers friendly and pointed questions) why I get cranky on these nights. It's not being busy, that I can do and handle..it's the crowds. I get irked with large amounts of people going in every direction. I have never been a huge fan of crowds, even as a teen I would avoid parades because of the amount of people who would be there. It's overwhelming and I guess I fight back in self defense without even knowing I am doing it. The next time something like this happens I will know why and take a step aside for a few minutes to get back into prospective.

Tonight I also interviewed (my first time) for a full time Supervisor position. It was at times mentioned to me in the past if I was ready when things looked to be shaking up towards an opening, but they never actually went beyond that. Now there was a list of other possibles all being interviewed within a few days. So hopefully by Wednesday I will know the outcome. I still have reasons to be happy where I currently am, so if I do not receive the promotion It will be OK, I will not fall into sullen sadness. I know that I have been a Dual rate longer than the others, but it is always possible that someone else will fill the position better than I could.

There is only 7 days to go until I am on vacation with my buddy Mel. This has been a long time coming, and we both need time away from work. I think I can hang in there 7 days. I just hope that the Federal Jury Duty Summons I received has a quick outcome. If I get picked..fine..just be quick about it...Lol.

G'Night
K

You know who you are

To the woman who used to be an almost daughter to me...I read your blog, the last entry being Jan.2012.
I want you to know that I wish things had been different. I still think of you. We have a new person at work that reminds me of you. As soon as I saw her I thought "oh! If she had red hair she would be-----".
I am sorry that I could not have been what you needed me to be. There was so much drama happening it really messed with me, and I failed you.

But I want you to know..you were never a monster. That was my own confusion and anxiety getting in the way. I wanted to help you so much. I am glad that you found happiness. Since the last entry on your blog was dated Jan. 2012, I don't know what has happened to you since. I do wish you joy. I hope that you have continued with your education, and are still enjoying life.

Most of all, I apologize for not being able to help when you needed it. Those years I spent with you and your Dad, I was lost, hoping for a miracle. I know now that I could never have been what he needed, and I should have known that right from the start, but then I would never had met you.

In my mind I picture you happy and always moving forward. Peace and Love..that is what I hope you have found.

~K

Slow start

Slow start, I am outta gas this day. Really don't feel like tackling the chores that await me. My damn brain is constantly reminding me that I am not making progress. Argh!  Fall cleaning..it's needed but it requires energy and will power. If the weather would cooperate and make me feel like it's autumn then maybe my speed would accelerate. Enough of the 90 degree days already!

All those folks who love to wear shorts and flip flops year round must be having a hey day. If that was my style choice I would relocate further south and eastward towards the ocean. (though I have been pondering that idea) I'm waiting for the first truly cool day so I can take pictures in my mind of their wardrobe choices.
Hell, last winter at the casino you could find more than few folks still clinging to their summer gear. It just makes me shake my head and wonder.

Tomorrow's weather promises change. We need the rain and the temperatures are supposed to drop by 15 degrees. (Big: YAY!) It's been overly dry here and Gilligan is going to be hard put to find green grass to snack on when we visit the outdoors together.

Wishing everyone a pleasant Sunday.

~K