New Year 2014

I'm sending wishes, to whom ever visits this little blog of mine, to have a Wonderful New Year.
Find your Joy, what makes you happy and brings a smile. Sometimes it is not the big things but the little moments that make a difference.

When I thank God I always ask that he fill my heart with: Joy, Peace, Hope,Love, Faith, and Light.. to be a positive person. I have found that it really has helped me grow beyond my past.

This does not mean that I will wear blinders and never see what is wrong in our world. I will continue to throw my two cents in when I feel outraged or upset. I feel that uncloaking the wrongs is the fastest way to make the changes that we need.

I hope that 2014 will be an awakening for those that tuck their heads in the sand and hide from unpleasantness. Open your eyes and see what is wrong so it can be made right. Turn that dark into Light.
Make a difference for the good, be a voice.

Love, K

On rapid feet

On rapid little little feet Christmas swiftly approaches. There will not be too much celebration here, I will be working. But I will make the Christmas cookies to share with others. I will spread the word "Merry Christmas!" with those coming and going. I will keep it alive in my heart.

My tree is small yet beautiful. I light it each night and it warms my heart. Gilligan tucks himself into a chair nearby and sleeps in it;s light.  Animals..I have always felt, know the joy of Christmas...it's simplistic message of love and peace. As a child I used to wonder..because our animal friends acted differently on Christmas, like they knew something special was happening. They quietly yet expectantly waited on Christmas morning. I remember talking to my brothers about this.

Was it just a fantasy that animals can speak or understand on Christmas? Perhaps, but they seem to share the anticipation..the waiting. Or was this just a dream I really wanted?

I know from past experience that our dogs and cats were watchful and waiting on Christmas eve. I'd like to believe that they shared in the joy. Even today Gilligan respects the Christmas tree, and would rather lay near it then climb it. He knows that there is something under the tree for him.

Nightmares and dreamscapes

(currently being given the 'evil eye' by Gilligan-he was quite comfortably laying in my lap when I decided to write a new entry. Oh! Now I am getting the 'hang your head over the edge of the bed and look woeful' pose. Guess I will have to make up for the inattention in a few minutes.)

Let's see...not going to write about the holidays and my situation, that's been talked about before.
Work is getting worrisome due to everyone's hours being cut due to the company not pulling in the profit it once did. This is because of new casinos in the area and the economy. Not much we can do about it but try to hang in there. It is making it more difficult getting from one paycheck to another. But...I have also mentioned that in a previous blog.

No, tonight I will share with you a nightmare, not something real, but instead something scary that occasionally visits me in dreams.  First understand that I am 54 years old. I used to think that bad dreams were the stuff of childhood. Anxiety dreams followed me through high school, usually at the beginning and the end of the school year. You know, dreams where you cannot find your locker, or somehow end up at school missing articles of clothing, missing your bus..etc. But I had truly believed that those days of nightmares were over.

I had a few doozy nightmares as a child that would repeat themselves every now and again. Tornado dreams, dark scary basement dreams, and yes some monster dreams. (don't you hate the ones where you feel frozen and unable to move away from whatever dreadful creature is coming towards you? I would always force myself awake, then realize that what I had opened my eyes to looked just like what I had been dreaming, and THAT freaked me out.)

But the one and only nightmare that has followed me through my entire life is...Godzilla. Oh hell yes..I know you are laughing, but it's true. (damn you) The dreams differ only by location. It is the sounds and the fear filled dread that is consistently present in all of them. I hear footsteps. Big damn footsteps that cause the earth to tremble and things to rattle on the shelves and sometimes fall off. You just know he is very close even though you cannot yet see him. You try to find a safe hiding spot.(really? Is there one? I mean he can crush whatever building, tree or bridge that is in his path.)

The latest version had me as part of a team that was (I assume) a "Godzilla Tracking team." (lmao) We traveled though a city that was partially demolished and seemed deserted of humans other than us. I assume it had become demolished where ever that big damn thing had already visited. We went from train station to skyscrapers, to finally a relatively untouched residential area. The few people that I was with were the only ones present, though it turned out that the animals had been left behind.

We could hear him getting closer. Everyone was frantically looking at the trees and sky, because you know he is one dang big bugger. It was decided in whispers to take our chances hiding in someone's open garage that had a closet. Well naturally, I just had to pick up a cat who was walking around and take it in there with me. As we were closing the door and attempting complete silence the footsteps came ever closer. Suddenly a previously unseen cat started to howl  (frigging loudly) at my feet. I tried shushing the cat..but it was too late. The footsteps stopped and the roar from the creature was so loud I knew it was close to where we were hiding.

Heart pounding and adrenalin flowing I woke up before I could be crushed or eaten. It was 5:15 a.m. Flip the light on next to my bed. Lay listening to the silence. Wondering why in the hell I still had dreams like this. Get up, check the few room in my place and lay back down. Waiting for my heart to settle back down.

I guess my claim to fame will be a very active subconscious that likes to keep me awake at nights.
You'd think at my age I would have different kinds of dreams instead of childhood nightmares. But Nooooo, not this gal.

I think it would be very polite if Godzilla gives me a years reprieve before visiting me in my sleep again.

Argh!
K

Holiday Season

You know I used to love the Holiday season, the festive decorations, the spirit shared. As a single person it has become a hard thing to get through. I miss the family being together; I miss the fellowship of the season in church. I know I could correct this by connecting with a local church, but my schedule is a hard thing to get around. I used to be a member of a choir, but my voice is not what it once was. (earplugs required)

Believe it or not, I am not bitching, just reminiscing. I do miss the Joy of Christmas past. I have not been able to afford to give for several years, and that was a thing that always made me happy, seeing the joy in another s face,.I miss having gatherings that brought us all together, disparate though we might have been, somehow it worked out, mixing two families and making it work.

I look forward to a future where this can happen once again. I don't care if the family is mine or not, it's the joy of sharing that draws me. I tried after my marriage broke up, and every year it felt wrong. My Mother passing shortly after the holidays after She  herself tried to bring things together. My trying to bring joy to a person who celebrated depression instead of the holidays. It was almost as though that was what he wanted it to be. And finally alone, wondering if this is what was my due for ending a marriage and starting a failed relationship.

I won't give up. I refuse to. I know that the Joy of the Season can be mine again. I know that I can feel peace and fellowship again. It's only a matter of time and circumstance.

I watched a movie tonight, shortly after I had made the decision to Not decorate for the holiday. That movie changed my mind. I sat sniffling and realizing that only I can make the decision that shapes this season for me. If I forgo the celebration I know how much I will miss it. So I will pull out the little tree and light it each night when I return from work. It won't bring me people to share my holiday, but it will be a beacon for my own soul.

Don't take for granted the gift of sharing the season with your family. There won't be a chance to bring it back if you pass it by. Relax, breathe in, watch and participate. It's all over so fast and who knows when it will come again.

Believe.


K

Everyone's trying to hang on

I sometimes imagine some CEO gazing blankly out an office window, and pondering their wealth, knowing that they have reached the top of the food chain. In their royal office they sit far above their employees who run to and fro with necessary menial jobs. Is there a part of them that can even conceive what it's like on the bottom rung of their company? Can they relate to a paycheck that does not cover your bills? Either they cannot, or they simply do not care.

I am hanging onto the bottom of that ladder, but it's getting hard to have a good grip. Most of the time I am told " Be grateful you have a job." Rest assured, I am grateful. I am happy to do my job, but I do not feel secure.

I have been working since I was 16 years old. There may have been some short gaps in employment, but never a lengthy one. Back in the 80's and 90's I felt like I could walk in anywhere and get a job, and they were happy to have me. I work my ass off because I DO have a good work ethic. That's a part of how my generation views and accepts duty to perform. We normally kick ass because that is the job culture we grew up with.

Since 2009 and the crash of Wall Street, companies seem to be running scared. They look for cheap labor, and part time labor so they do not have to pay an employee benefits. They KNOW that people will fill the gaps because we have no where else to go. The long term employee and the company " buy in" is disappearing.  It's hard to have faith in an employer when we are having our hours cut.

 Our grand parents and parents sometimes worked as an employee for one company for a life time. They were compensated for their loyalty, and had a retirement that was affordable. We've lost that kind of security. We are now always in fear, and that job security is not possible.

It's also hard for us to understand a CEO's fears when we need to be able to pay our household bills and keep a roof over our heads. We don't live like people who have money live.

We just hope that we can pay our utility bills to keep the lights and heat on.

Trips to exotic locations? Nope..Can we afford to eat meat this week?

A night on the town? Hopefully we can pay our cable bill this month.

 Luxury automobiles? Damn..how can I afford to pay for  the repair of my old car? How will I get to work?

Eating in a restaurant?  Do we still have milk? We get a great deal less for our money at the food store than we did 10 years ago.

So if you are not one of the higher ups a partial paycheck means 2 jobs. I cannot imagine that our economy will suddenly improve, so prices are not going to go down, they will just keep rising. I watch as the GAP between the rich and the poor is starting to look like a gaze across the Grand Canyon, the other side is getting hard to see, getting  wider everyday.

And yes, I wish the days of our grandparents had not disappeared. I have never in my life been a part-time
employee. I am not comfortable knowing my job could disappear in a heart beat. I am truly one paycheck away from living on the street, just like every hourly employee  I work with. This is not a secure life, It's living on the edge and all of us are just trying to hang on.

K

Sometimes life can suck

Sometimes, no matter how much you care and try to help someone, there is no solution. There comes a time when people need to find their own way. This is not saying that you do not care, but it can become a kind of co-dependence, a perpetual cycle that keeps on repeating because the person you are trying to help won't take responsibility for their own selves. It's easier to have someone help them, or someone to blame.

Today was a sad day, but it could also be a day of new beginnings. I hope that they continue to see it that way; it's a fresh start. It will not be easy. I know about beginning over, I have done it at least twice in my adult life. The first time I was charged with the belief that this was a new start and something wonderful could happen. The second time was a great deal harder because that something wonderful failed miserably.
Was I at rock bottom? Yes, I do believe I was.  It sure as hell felt like it.

My blogs (3 of them) reflect the changes and ups and downs of my stumbling into a new beginning,. It was not done by my choice, but because I simply had no other way to go. I know how hard it was by going back and recollecting my steps through my grief of what I felt was a failure.  Now I know the failure was not mine. It was destined to be because that something special really wasn't.

But it was really not a FAIL..not at all. I did my best to make something impossible work. When I was tossed out the world loomed quite intimidatingly in my face, and it took a great deal of courage to start over again at my age. But what other choice did I have? There really wasn't one, there is no fixing a problem that someone has, no matter how much you want it. If nothing else I do know that I am stronger now and I will never again depend on another person to complete me, because I complete myself.

I hope that the person I am speaking of can take those first steps. They will be painful. It won't be easy. But in the end you will attain a sense of pride in what You did to make a better life for yourself. And I know he can do it. He will have to kick himself in the pants a few times, but life is nothing if not new possibilities. I hope you find that, I really do. Get the help you need to set things straight, and see things through for yourself. Do not fall back into dependency on another to find your way. Get healthy and then get your head straight. From there on any obstacles will be easily overcome, because you will have faith in yourself. You Can Do It.

I truly hope that you read this...
~K

Another year wiser

That day, the one that approaches on sneaky little feet, is rapidly approaching. Another year notched in the Totem pole of my life...looks a little like a grinning cat now. There will not be fireworks to commemorate the day, no marching bands, no lively old man with a fiddle and a knowing grin. This is all just fine with me as it is just another day on the calender.

My sweet Dad sent me a very unexpected gift, a heart pendant with a cross, which is beautiful in its self, but the inscription on the back made my day, my year and a lifetime of smiles. "My little girl yesterday, my friend today, my daughter forever." Yep, got a little teary, and it means so much to me.  I quickly removed my heart necklace leftover from another time in my life, and replaced it with the new. If you know me, then you know I don't often change my jewelry, and this one will probably never be taken off.

I've spent the last several days with a very good friend who reminds me that we don't always have to behave, but to her credit it is usually me who is the troublemaker. I don't know, I believe it because I am free to be myself in her company. So much of life is spent at work acting the part that is expected by corporate. Smile, offer to help (which is not something I mind doing.) Coach and discipline, and don't share some of  what is going on. There are days when I'd like to tear off the jacket and just be a troublemaker..lol.

I'm wondering what new things the coming year will bring. With a smile in my heart I am hoping for the good and wishing away the bad. (roll those sleeves up girl and wade right into the thick of it...) Changes are coming and I am ready.

If you are reading this Pop, a giant hug and many kisses..you made this ol'
gal very happy to be your daughter.

Hugs,

~K