And now

I am poor. Ron's dreams came true. Yeah for him. Who needs food and healthcare anyway? Oh, I guess not me. Thank you IRS, thank you Ron. For taking and not paying back. I guess food stamps are the next paperwork I get to fill out, that and medical assistance..oh wait..they already said no since I had a newer car. Duh. No medical then, or food money.

Nothing else to say. I'm done.

The waiting game

It seems to be taking forever for me to collect my information, submit it, and now wait for answers. I am still due to visit Martinsburg IRS this morning. That should be lovely. The office looks pleasant from the outside, and then you enter a short hall, to find a guard, a row of seats against the wall, and high walled cubicles. It should not resemble a jail, but unfortunately that is what came to mind on my first viewing it. I tried to go yesterday afternoon, and there was an at least 2 hr wait. I opted on visiting work and having a nice lady named Connie answer my questions on financial information required by licensing, that is almost complete. Just waiting on tax and pension information. Unfortunately for me, it appears I will be paying the state and the Feds for the rest of my born days. Why?? Because I cannot afford to pay very much per month, and the bill is high.

Capital gains. Who would have thought my paying for someone else's taxes would put me in hot water with my own. Who would have thought that partner would bail on me because he did not want debt that he helped to create. It was His not taking responsibility for his own debts, and my feeling like I was part of a team that would stay together and deal with paying things off. Oops! My bad, I trusted the wrong person. And now I will pay for it forever. Kind of hard to let go of something when a check book causes you to remember it at least once per month.

After the IRS visit, it's home, a nap and back to work. My days off have not been fun since grave shift started. Mostly I am juggling sleep hours, work to be done, and drives to make. Besides, there is no money for play at all anymore. I can barely afford red box movies, never mind going to the theater. If I seem bummed, sorry, it's discouraging to have to run this course every time I get paid, it's gone in less than a heartbeat, and I am lucky if it covers my needs.

Have a good day all,

k

Call me 'Henny Penny'

On several occasions since March I have attempted online dating. Each time I find myself afraid to answer after someone responds. I start with good intentions and a small sense of adventure, then I turn chicken and feel 'finger-tied' on e-mailing them back. If someone even mentions live chat or Instant message I am out of there faster than a speeding Road Island Red. I over analyze my responses afraid I will say the wrong thing. I look into the mirror, see imagined feathers and a no longer young face and feel unrecognizable to myself. Why do I keep trying? In the hope that I might actually find someone who will be the man friend I am looking for.

When I first gained my freedom after 19 years of servitude( marriage) I felt free and alive, a bit wild. I did use good common sense, talked to a few men online and wisely pushed for a public place to meet, usually for coffee. I met about 3 men that way, 2 were never seen again, and the third I fell in love with almost instantly. We were together for 9 years, unfortunately not for the life time that I hoped for us. When it ended, I was a changed person, perhaps forever. That damage was done to my psyche, something I never thought was so fragile.

I am not sure why my confidence has fled. I never felt my age before this, it was not important enough to fuss over. I did not think it mattered and now I do. Even if the man who responds is my age, I still feel too old for them..why? Because so many men search for someone younger to make them feel young again? ..hmm..perhaps. But..I am too chicken to give them a chance to prove otherwise.

My friends tell me to give myself time,not to rush it, though it has been 5 months now. The daily weeping of heartbreak has long since passed, the anger slowly dissipated to a dullness, and now at last seems to be leaving as well. Having a male companion is something I would like to have in my life, but I have no intentions of getting serious again. I'd like to be able to have good times without falling for the next guy who makes me smile and gives me shivers. That is a good part of why I run, I am so afraid my own heart will screw me over and do the 'dumb' thing again. Or that it might be real, and I will f-it up. Or they might be lying..and that is the kicker. I just don't want any more of the kind of hurt I have just been through.

There is also a significant fear of actually meeting someone in person. Any confidence I had flees replaced by worry about my safety, and I never felt like this before. Whether nice, mean, or a heart breaker..makes no difference. I am so conflicted right now...and leaving a trail of feathers wherever I go, and closed dating accounts. I have not felt shy since ever..but that is how I am feeling now...so not me. Man shy...lmao. In my work life I feel the same me.. . In my personal life I am a stranger.

Where did 'I' go? And how can I get 'me' back?

Sifting through a pile of feathers looking for my courage,

k

It has not made the news yet..updated 12-19-11

It has not made the news yet, and I have been anxiously waiting to hear all about it! That plan, you know the one that You said I was holding You back from accomplishing? The great success story that shows everyone how wonderful You really are? Well has it? You know, the mid-life thingie that people go through, as they mull over what they have not done, and how little they have to show for being on the planet..wait..that is a man's 'excuse' for a midlife crisis. Ok..how about the grand design for ownership of something exclusively yours? That leap that my body somehow blocked you from reaching, and I somehow did not support. ( or was that I could not pay for it? I forget...well, I certainly hope you found a rich one to help you then.) Or was it Your mark on humanity, the idea that would save the planet and enlighten the masses?

Ok, that was my sarcasm after a long night and a dreadful week of no accomplishment against MY financial monster. I will apologize for being snide, but after all these months, that argument You made when I asked "Why?" still bugs the crap out of me. You went on and on with your reasons, never realizing that as I sat there I was thinking " Bullshit." I went from being hurt to feeling pissed off that you would really believe I would buy any of it.

There was never a moment I did not stand behind you, whatever dreams you had. You have to realize that dreams sometimes have limitations in real life, usually because of the almighty dollar and lack of it. Did you want a brainless cheerleader? ( hmm..you might have found that) Never having been a fan of rah-rah's, I fail to see how someone with pom-poms can win the game if there is no strength or drive in the quarterback.. The quiet and unfailing support of a fan sometimes makes much more of difference. They are there, good games and bad games. Their presence means someone cares if you win or lose. They don't stop coming because of failure. And they support you even if you don't carry home the trophy. They don't change teams because the other side has a handsome quarterback, or a flashier image. They don't hang out with the team because it is a step up, something that makes them look better, or as an escape.

So, yes. I'd like to know if that argument was just so much hot air being released, or depression left from your Father's passing. Is it still a reason why when it was unsubstantiated and was not true? (Me- the roadblock to Your winning everything) Or was the real reason the boredom that follows you and your consistent answer to fixing that problem? Maybe there is something more constructive you can do that will bring a larger sense of peace, and a better feeling about yourself. And yes, I know you are smart enough to give a hundred reasons, but the real one is the hardest to admit, and that one was something You never really said in your litany of reasons. I know true when I hear it.

**By the way, this is not a plea for reinstatement, nor is it a whine, or a rant. It is simply a request for honesty, an answer to a question that was never really answered. Your reasons did not ring true, and part of me just wants to know the truth, or that you ever admitted it to yourself.**

the old fan from the bleachers, (popcorn stuck to the bottom of my shoes)

k
************************
12/19/2011-- trading one life for another because of either boredom or fear is NOT what you were claiming I kept you from. It was the grandiose dreams of being famous/rich/or another Gandhi. If relationships were socks, you'd wear them just long enough to develop holes that You had worn through and then traded in for another used pair, believing you were starting something new.  Your silent remarks by picking a particular blog I wrote to make some sort of point are really quite silly.
I no longer have a smidgen of respect for you . When you set out to hurt me as much as you possibly could to attain your next step, your next 'want', you killed it. There was No reason for your treatment of me that can be justified. All I ever gave you was love, patience, friendship, and tried to provide you a better life than where you previously had been.   Whatever lies you told to achieve your end results will be the fuse that is lit when karma comes rolling along.
k

The ant and Goliath

Today is one of those days that I feel like an ant trying to push a tractor trailer up the hill.

The ant: determined but not getting anywhere. And this ant is not looking for sympathy, just a great deal more strength. Like a couple Trillion more ants, all beefed up on steroids, to help push.

k

Curses! Curses! Foiled Again!

* Note: if you are OLD enough, you will recognize where the title actually came from. If you don't, I am afraid you are NOT old enough to read this blog.* LOL

Me and Snidely Whiplash...cursing the day away..well, the morning anyway. I am soon for bed, work starts at 11pm. I have tried this week to get more sleep in, I think I succeeded there, but failed in my other endeavors. I am loathe to put something here that someone else might get a happy kick out of..but here goes nothing..( and if you get a kick...or enjoyment out of someone else's troubles, more sad to you...what goes around comes around.)

Phone calls, phone tag and disappointing news today. I had hopes that I would be able to use part of my 401 K to get the bankruptcy filed and taken care of. No such luck. I have not been vested long enough, no loan is forth coming. That leaves one last avenue of desperation..the Sunshine fund at work. If I apply they review, and it take at least 2 weeks. Funny thing is I have heard that there is quite a lot of money in the fund, and it required you pay back through paycheck deductions, but they don't easily share the fund. ( and wow- my paycheck really cannot afford to be further deducted.) So here I go for plan B...the last shot at fixing the mess I have currently with my creditors. If this fails..oh well..I fail. I am hanging onto hope with bloody fingertips, cursing and trying to swing my legs up to crawl over the top. Good grief...it's quite a load I am trying to clean up.

I don't want my future to be one creditor after another taking me to court. Really, I don't. The judge is going to get sick of seeing me. And I am not even talking about taxes yet. Those I know I Have to pay, even if it's a barely a bite, I have to send something. Heavy sighes, and kicking my own butt for being so damn gullible in a relationship that I trusted, if I had not, my debt would be less than half, and I would not owe the government, he would.

I am trying to keep hope in my heart that everything will work out, I really am. If anyone has a suggestion on what else I might be able to do, I am all ears and eager to hear ideas. Seriously, leave a comment, I am looking for miracles right now.

hugs..and hanging onto my hope,

k

Hope and blueberry pie

"Hope springs eternal in the human breast"

Alexander Pope

Hope has carried me through some of worst couple months of my life so far, and I believe will be toting me along for years to come. I know I face challenges right now that I have never before had to deal with, and definitely not alone. I keep my chin up that my career, my finances, my love life, and my living alone will all work out somehow. Some of that will be due to hard work, and the rest is up to fate. I know that I am good people, I have not done anything to anyone that I regret doing. My assertiveness is returning, but eh..my confidence in me is taking it's time. That is understandable under the circumstances in which my life changed, it's hard to be positive about yourself when someone's actions toward you were so incredibly negative. This did not do much to make my self confidence grow, but with time, I "Hope" to get that back as well.

Maybe I am still that 16 year old who only cursed in a weird " God Bless Blueberry muffins!" mutter. My love of musicals and theater started when I was in my teens. Having watched " South Pacific" live, and listened to it many times on an old vinyl record, might have helped me to become Nellie-Kelly. At 16 I was naive, and I did not drink, smoke, have sex, or really use swear words. Yes, I have my moments of swearing now, a lot of time has passed. But I still feel as Corny as Kansas in August, and normal as blueberry pie quite often.

There is not much that sets me apart from a lot of other women in my age group, except perhaps my limited serious love life, only 2 men have held my heart in their care. Maybe because I never really did the dating scene during my teen years or later, it stunted my self confidence when it came to how I view my appeal, my take on feeling attractive. That awkward teenager who was too curvy at a time when curves were not in, made me very self conscious, add glasses and braces and Voila! Goober girl! I am not sure if any more time will really help change my view of myself at this point in my life. As with most folks there are parts of me that I appreciate, and parts I wish I could change

But ya know what? I still have hope. Maybe my "Some Enchanted Evening" is ahead of me, waiting to happen. A Handsome, sexy French man could secretly be waiting on a South Pacific island just for me...lol!

Hugs,

k

Weeks End

Exhausted pretty much covers it, though I pushed myself ( just like last week) to come home after work and get the dang laundry done. I really feel like I am running in place right now, not depressed, just frustrated. I am not making headway into the financial side of my problems, and it is stopping me from getting the paperwork completed for licensing at work.

So right now, I am working as a guard, just with hours that don't really agree with me. I have not shadowed a supervisor for 2 weeks. I could do this on swing and pick up an extra day like I did before. Daggone it.

Tried to get the ball rolling this morning on a 401 K withdraw to get the bankruptcy lawyer that I need. Guess what? They could not access my account, or find out if I have the ability to draw upon the fund. If I cannot, I am basically screwed. I will spend tomorrow morning working with the taxman, in person at their office. Then I am going to have to wait till Wednesday morning to call the 401 K folks back. Sigh...yup, I am tired. And just thinking about driving across the state to find a cheaper attorney for bankruptcy makes me shudder..but $500 in savings is nothing to sneer at.

It would be truly nice to have some good luck. I would say thank you very nicely to whatever leprechaun points me towards that pot of gold. And I know what you are thinking..shame on you...but yeah..there are times when I think a very short red haired Irish man would make my day. I could make myself believe he was attractive..LMAO!

hugs, kel

who is?

My mystery viewer from Germany? I'd love to know.

wat is my geheimsinnige Duits kyker?

Ich würde gerne wissen. Vielen Dank für folgende meine Geschichte.

Hugs for following my tale.

Repeat Offender

Ok, I know you are thinking about a person..it's not. I am sure everyone has at one point or another gotten a song stuck in their head, and whether it's one they like or not, it keeps on playing. Last night, or this morning as I was leaving work I was zapped with a song that I sort of feel is offensive to women. I am sure when it was first recorded a woman's place was considered to be a cross between a sex kitten and a mother, doing all those 'womanly' things. The song was by Bobby Rydell, " Wild one" here are the nightmare lyrics that are playing in my head this morning...

"Oh wild one I'm-a gonna tame you down (tame you down)
Ah, wild one I'll get you yet (yeah yeah) you bet (yeah yeah)
You little doll all you do is play, you've got a new baby ev'ry day
But some day it's gonna be me, me and only me.

Oh oh oh oh wild one I'll make you settle down (settle down)
Ah wild one I'll clippa your wings (yeah yeah) and them things (yeah yeah)
You got the lips that I'm mad about
I got the lips that'll knock you out
C'mon wild one be wild about me."

Not everyone will find them offensive, but they strike a nerve in me, so understand my frustration that it is looping in my head since last night..ARGH!!

Another song that has stuck in my past that I really feel has a horribly sexist and derogatory message :

"We got to get you a woman" by Todd Rungren.

" Taking about things, about that special one,

they may be stupid but they sure are fun."

That one has been on my "Do Not like list" when I actually stopped and listened to the lyrics...and another looper.

I guess the only cure for the looping song is to listen to one to take it's place, but dang...it just keeps coming back...grrrr!! It is likely that they play over and over because I do Not like them. Both of these songs have become elevator music these days, or...casino background noise...lol.

If you have an unfavorable looper, share it...maybe I can replace mine with yours...

have a good night all,

k

Zonked

It has been 'A' week, mostly of not enough sleep. I am for bed, and yes, it is 11:46a.m. I was at the DMV yesterday till 11 am, and quarterly work meeting kept me out today. Before that were two days off spent beating the clock to get things done during normal working hours. I feel like I have flown around the world and have no idea which time zone I am currently in. So, have a great day everyone, I am spending mine ( as usual) snoozing.

k

A moment of Giddiness!

I have got my freedom back..and it feels good, I knew it would!

Yeah!

Now onto Lawyers offices and state and federal tax offices..oooo Boy!

I'm Living the high life now!

Watch out world,

Here I Come!

Who would have thunk that hours spent at the DMV after working all night would bring to me this euphoria? Ahhh..sniffing new driver License...a good vintage, fruity, yet fulfilling, and very satisfying...

Murphy's Law and Me

You know, if I could find that guy Murphy I'd blast his butt. He keeps interfering in my plans these days. The paperwork that I desperately stayed up 24 hrs to get? I was finally asleep for 2 hours when the DMV called me...right...coherency, so not going to happen. I was interrupted 3 times shortly after I closed my eyes before I could finally turn off the phone. I slept for almost 11 hrs, but don't feel like it did, and my eye circles say otherwise as well. Grave shift and my sleep cycle are not mixing well. I screw up on my days off trying to take care of business and being up while my friends are. I guess I am going to have to give in and live a solitary existence completely to keep my sleep regular, and I resent that. It is hard enough living alone, but being alone all the time really sucks.

I need a good day off, go somewhere fun, forget stuff for a while, some normalcy would be nice.

Hugs and sleep well all, I am off to work.

k

Missing Two of my Boys

When I made my Solomon's decision on which of my boys to bring with me it was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I chose Gilly because of his temperment, he is usually mellow and quiet, and was not as keen on going outside as the other two. I knew that both Jasper and Raz would protest constantly about the enforced house arrest, and I did not think it fair of me to cause them so much unhappiness. Do I miss them? All the damn time. Shoot, I get weepy just typing about it.

Gilly has grown very affectionate since he became an only cat, my scratched legs can attest to that, as he climbs on and jumps off. He talks to me constantly, his meows in the past were few and far between. It used to be that he would only occasionally be a lap cat, I don't think he was ever comfortable with it. It was more common for Jasper to curl up on my lap when he tired of being outside, or was just sleepy and wanted softness and pets. Raz also was rare for lap laying, but he did love my pink robe, come to think of it, all 4 cats loved that robe, it depended on who got there first, and there were usually disgruntled looks from the other 3 if they were around.

There are days when I just ache for a Jasper hug. He was my first friend when I left home in 2002. I nursed him back to health upon adoption, and let him roam as free as I could until we finally had a place where he could safely go outside. It was a promise I made to him, for the years he spent as a outside cat stuck behind doors. He lives for the freedom to be a night hunter, but still remains a lovable cuddler. I long for his hugs.

Raz was also a rescue, I found him alone outside in an empty locked parking lot near the casino by the first barn. Too young to be without a momma, he would not have survived. He was very loud, it was hard to miss him, and he responded to my voice, though shyly ran away as I tried to catch him. A kind slot attendant on her way out helped me corral the kitten and into my car he went to his new home. When he stayed with me a week here while recovering from a bite to his paw, he and Gilly were like best pals after the first few hours. On taking him back I cried all the way to Inwood and all the way back home. I could not even look at R, the pain was that great. I sure hope that HE did not think I was crying for him. It was my giving a up piece of my heart, saying goodbye to Raz.

Why don't I have them all here? Not allowed. I was surprised that they even allow one cat, and it cost me to do that, money that I did not have to spare. Gilly is my roomie and I could not tolerate it here without him. Yes, he sheds. Yes I have to do the OCD thing and vacuum the damn curtains once a week, sweep daily. What is a little flying fur compared to life without him?

So, when I wish for a mega million win, it is for the chance to have my kids back with me, and place that they would all be together again. That is what I wish for these days.

I have sort of given up on men, they hurt your heart without a care, selfishly use and discard you. They are not worthy of that kind of pain, and I won't go through that again in this lifetime. Twice from one man was enough to last me forever. I will take a few scratches over that any day, the purrs make up for it. Unconditional love comes only with 4 legs.

I've got the sads today,

k

WANTED..A Ride..sigh

I need a lift into Winchester today. Any takers? I will pay for gas. My ride has disappeared again, and the DMV STILL does not have my title transfer. Good Grief.

" I'm sorry Officer...I am trying...here is my stack of papers for the DMV."-see foot high stack of papers.

* practicing.* hmm..not sad enough.*

" Sir, I am so very sorry, I don't normally do things like this...please?"

* still not good enough*

" Dear Kindly Sergeant Krupty, Ya gotta understand, it's just my bringing uppty that gets me out of hand....lalala"

* that will get me locked up in the pokey*

tears...sniffing..(fuming in reality) "Please sir..please?"

*argh! oh well...*

I surrender. Puts Hands out for the cuffs. Waiting for my bread and water. Bureaucracy..ya just gotta love it. And somebody please tell me why an 'electronic transfer of title' has to be mailed through the U.S. Post office?

k

Beautiful Morning

I will admit to be a night owl, and usually even when not working Grave shift, I can be found still awake in the wee hours. The hour I am leaving work in the last two weeks has been a reminder of how pretty the early mornings can be. There is usually no grogginess, not for me at that hour, my body will remind me around 1030am that it is closing in on bedtime. For years living with another night owl, I slept this part of the day away. When I worked at Geico it was definitely an Ungodly hour I had to get up at back then, and drive for 2 hours to reach work, but I did see some pretty sunrises.

It was a pleasant surprise today to not come out into the jungle heat and humidity. The air was cool, a hint of springtime to it, the sky the bluest of blues. What a wonderful reward for bearing with the 5 days of sweating at work in the unpredictable and usually not working well air conditioning, then stepping out into a sauna in the mornings. It inspired me enough to get my laundry done this morning instead of putting it off. Birdsong and open windows..ahh..Gilly is digging it too, fresh air.

My furry roomie is sleepy though, I think he has finally adapted to my schedule, lol..just in time for me to stay up, or try to. I have a lot of errands that need doing today, and crossing my fingers that I get the news from the DMV that my transfer of title is in. Then I will likely spend the rest of this beautiful day trying to not fall asleep at the local office of torture. I have called, and called, and double checked. There had better not be a reason I cannot get everything done, I am as prepared as I can be.

A trip back into work to visit the HR for things I have been putting off , my paycheck (hah!- sorry...at least I hope there is enough on it), and fitting for supervisor duds. Banking, food shopping, and DMV, not in the order. If they don't get back to me with good news, I will be forced to wait for the friendship taxi again, and I think she has other plans.

Right now, I am sitting here enjoying the gift of a cool breeze, and trying to stay awake. If I did not have to do all this I would seriously think of staying outside most of the day. What a great day to garden..sigh...Bummer..oh well. I will enjoy my open windows.

Hugs, and have a great day all.

k

A night of learning experience

Another night of good learning experiences, ending on a quiet note. I got to be the good cop to the other sup's bad cop, lol..even if he did keep asking what he did that was so mean. I could tell she was upset, and tried to help. ( was warned to not patronize..did not know that I had done that.) She left with her friends saying she liked me, and did not like him, and he really did not do anything wrong. My other walk out was with Shelly, and let me tell you, I appreciate my personal space, and someone who kept invading it was pushing it with me. I was just uncomfortable with someone who kept putting his nose 2 inches from mine to get his point across. Cultural differences I believe. Oh, and my name is now Baby. ( gee---that sounds so familiar??)

I asked if next time I could say something if someone kept that up, and was advised I could. Take one step back, if they continue to get in your face, say something. Believe me, I will. I jokingly said later that "no one gets that close to someone unless there is a kiss involved." Then of course I got razzed for it. The other walk out was a mysterious "agent", and he was going to sue. Yup. When asked what agency, the topic was dodged. Every one of these walk outs is different with different personalities: the cursers, the cryers, the why me's? the repeaters..who just keep saying the same thing over and over, and the suers. I will likely add to that list as time goes by.

Thank goodness, the next shift is my friday...wish I could say I had nothing to do but relax, but that would be fibbing. I have errands, housework, laundry..and cross my fingers, the DMV.

I am hoping tuesday will be the relax day, but not counting on it.

Have a good day all, bedtime is soon,

k

Busy night

A busy night, with lots of learning about different situations and how to handle them. I got to work a little on the report side of things as well. For a while there it seemed like the whole night would be filled with Walk outs, but things settled down around 3am. I hope I can get the paperwork side of that has been on hold completed soon, so I feel more secure about keeping the job. I think I can do the job itself, the reports should not be a problem, I have plenty of experience documenting events. And dealing with the patrons who have to leave is something that I will have to develop a style for, and take each situation as it comes when it comes to personalities. The stalemate? It is my finances that are again holding up the works. Sigh....this is getting so frustrating.

I cannot really discuss details of the events that happen at work, there is the issue of confidentiality to uphold. It's like HIPA and medical work, privacy is important. I can tell you my night started with an intoxicated patron, followed by a verbal altercation that led to other problems with how to get someone home. People will be people, no matter if they are eating in a restaurant, reporting an accident, having too much to drink, or arguing over money. The difference is that the casino has state laws that it has to abide by, that have been written for the customers protection, even if they don't appreciate how it effects them.

Just about bedtime for me, it is going on 10 am now, weird, I know. Gilly is pouting mightily, he really is not adapting to my schedule change very well. Lots of complaints when I start to suit up for work, happy greetings when I get home, and an large amount of sad cat.

I saw 3 cats last night, obviously feral. One was crossing the street as I was leaving for work. I stopped the car, he stopped, and we talked...lol..well I did and he listened. " Be careful kitty". I saw another barn cat, might be related to Raz as I was walking from the parking lot in the dark. I said hello, he stopped to listen. And lastly as I was leaving another barn cat was making his rounds. It is a busy road that runs past the casino, especially in the early mornings and evenings. I can't help it, even though they are not my cats, I worry about all animals living without a home. Especially those that look like they could use meals, it just makes me want to do more.

It also makes me a little teary, remembering furry kids that I cannot even see anymore. I cannot write and ask, since my email is trashed before opening. I really would like a Jasper hug once in a while. Gilly and I both miss the others a great deal, and it's not getting easier. Distance and time just brings sadness. The humans there I do not give a S**t about, the cats are in my heart.

Have a good one,

k

the fairy dance

Fragile petals that the wind

stirs in a fairy dance,

bright face lifted to soak in the Light.

Standing tall, each day brings new growth;

each gentle rain washes and soothes,

leaving drops that glisten,

reflecting the world, magnifying

it's tender beauty.

Nectar offered as a gift,

carried away on busy wings;

sharing life and sending forth

seeds to grow anew,

spreading the dance

to grow again

in sometimes unexpected places;

peeking out of thrown away treasures

and fissures of neglect,

their faces so bright.

A breeze coaxes forth the joy,

and fairies dance again.

k

*and what do you suppose I am describing?

Once Burnt

Once burnt, one hundred times shy,

I am waiting with eyes opened wide.

Placing the memories of my past behind me,

pulling the door closed and turning the key.

Turning to face an unknown new start,

a dawn of determination with a guarded heart.

No more heartbreak, and no more lies,

my smile shows hope, and a heart become wise.

I won't be so quick to ever trust again,

sadly, the gift, of an unworthy man.

k

The end to the drama-tossed cabbage at the actor

At last, I'm Closing Souly Speaking...finally. I said my last bit, and have nothing more to add. It has moved past venting and entered repetitive mode. So now I plan to be an audience member only, and I come armed with rotten fruit and veggies....winding up my pitching arm. (the male lead is a atrocious actor.) Just kidding...-oh! Not that he is a good actor, but I'm planning on non-participation, despite pleasant day dreams.

Being accused (yet again) of negativity, in the past, when I am trying as hard as I can to move on, that was one straw I grow tired of fishing out and throwing away. ( see my 2nd to the last entry in Souly) That little piece of history started long ago, on a confrontation regarding..guess what?? Yes, you got it! Cheating. What an excellent reason to be unfaithful, you don't smile enough!

" Why can't you be sunny when I am always moody and talking to other women?"

And continue to use the same crappy excuse for years. Why? Because he struck a nerve and it worked. ( see Mind manipulation.) So he continued to use it. What an excellent weapon/argument. I believe I shall use it...again! -yes, SARCASM.

Once my faults were all laid out before me ( by his ex and N) , and I had said my last piece, the desire to defend myself or rage at him any longer disappeared. I have other more pressing issues to deal with in my life. In some ways she was absolutely right. I did fail. I backed out of my own personal beliefs for a chance at love. And seriously, He really is not worth it. ( And the classy ending at the Walmart? That came complete with a rant on why I did not pick up his prescription...while he was cheating on me and planning to dump me. What a A+ kind of guy.)

So, an apology, belated, goes to her.

I have to say though, I started that relationship believing that he was an upright kind of guy. Even after learning he was still married, I reasoned since 6 months had past that their relationship was over. I did not move in until my own divorce was final. I had no clue that neither one of them would do the right thing and end it, and not take 9 years to do so. Ron and I, with his Father's help again, tried to get it done in the "summer of hell." But the attorney died, the air conditioner and frig died the car died, and he had to have emergency surgery. There went the funds.

His paychecks were not stretching far enough to pay for back support, so..dumb ol' me helped, as much as I could, along with his Father. I gently pressed him to straighten things out, which he was trying to do on his own, when not avoiding. I tried to help fix the situation, not ignore it. If I could have afforded to pay for the divorce( Again, Duh to me) I would have likely done that too. But...I decided that if "They" really wanted it, it was their responsibility, not mine.

The one good thing out of all of this is that "I" do not have to play the divorce game, been there and done that. The bad thing...my gullibility when I paid for ANY of his debts. I wanted a decent lifestyle, and he had said many times he could live with less and had. We did not live high on the hog by a long shot. But it always seemed someone was coming after him for a bill owed, or car problems, accidents, and it was a struggle to pay them, so I did as much as I could.

Now I find myself in that position x 10,000. And despite his message of
"She had debt when she met me." No, I did not. Maybe $1000, on one card. Nothing that could not have been paid off.

I am paying for my stupidity now, for believing in the wrong person. For sharing when I should not have. For coming to WV when I should have stayed in Fredericksburg, no matter that it did not come with country views and a porch with rocking chairs, as in a dream we shared. (It also did not come with a lover who does not know what faithful means.) For not believing in myself more and remaining true to me. I am, at the very least, one of the most honest persons who ever touched his life. (besides his parents) The only person I ever lied to was me, never him. Wish I had been that lucky.

Stop feeding his ego..if there was ever anyone who did not deserve women bickering over him, it is most definitely him. He wants peace and quiet to play house with the baby, let him. I think life will deal with them without our help, after all they asked for it, both of them. Karma to the rescue. (That and baby Daddy and the rest of her family) You cannot hide a wrong forever, I am just saying not doing.

So have a life you all. Rebuilding mine will take time. Sorry, as I said, no good luck wishes for him and the no name- baby- mother of the year- in hiding. They built their straw house together, and it's going to be a dry year.

Good Luck to his ex, I hope she can move on and finally forget him as well, for your own sanity, you need to. And Good luck to N, who always meant well. We could have been friends, I think, if life had not taken the turns it did. I almost sent you "Bonnie Jean" the other day.

I truly do Not want to post, talk, vent, or go over anything to do with Ron again.

He is not worth it, in anyway.

Anyone unlucky enough to fall for his crap, will get the same as I did.

That part of my life is over. This blog was meant for better things.

kel

And to my loyal cheerleaders? Don't you go disappearing..lol..hugs to you both.

A small piece of good news

It is a small piece of good news, I hope it leads to fixing at least part of my problems right now. No..it's not a million dollar win..sigh..wouldn't that be nice. Virginia has finally sent my title ( via snail mail for some reason) to West Virginia. Now I have to wait 5 days and follow up that they have it before I can chance the run to the DMV. And yes, this piece of good news will mean that I get to spend likely an entire day at that lovely, warm and friendly place...lol. You have to take the good with the bad. So if I have to be tortured, at the very least it will mean I have freedom to roam again to get the other things on my list done, and be able to go out with a friendship taxi.

Unfortunately that will mean visits to an attorney, and visits to local tax offices. I know..damn! That sucks. It is a means to reach at least a compromise with my current financial problems. Bankruptcy filed, and a payment plan set up. So I can move on past this ...er..er..oh well, crap. ( There is no nice way of describing it, believe me, I think worse.) And after that, licensing paperwork submitted in full.

When all is said and done, I think I will deserve a really fun day to be planned. Maybe a trip to an amusement park, or maybe a day trip someplace. Anything to celebrate. I am afraid that this is just the tip of my iceberg, and most of the summer will be spent dealing with it.

If anyone has a spare ticket to Aruba, I am game.

Hugs,

K

Nostalgic..and wistful

Sometimes the echos of childhood whisper to me

across years, reminding me of much simpler times.

When playing outside, wading through creeks,

mud squishing between your toes,

and tadpole catching were the events of the day.

When Peanut Butter and jelly sandwiches

were a picnic under an apple tree.

When a tree house was a secret hideout,

and willow branches a headdress, tarzan yells

echoed across the yards.

When wishes made while gazing

at a night time sky filled with stars,

were sent flying to the heavens,

and tucked you in at night.

Yes, wishing upon a star.....

it makes no difference who you are.

Your dreams came true.

(though I am still looking for the black pony that I asked for

and not the car...lol)

sing along with Mr Cricket

A Day off..fairly typical

Had a nice day with Julie. She is a good pal to ferry me around since I am still illegal. It is taking way too long to get my car taken care of. Nothing exciting, just the usual trip to Wally world for food, and black out curtains that I could not afford, but needed to have. Working grave I feel like I live in a cave..lol. Today was the first time in a week I opened my curtains. My neighbors likely think I am a hermit.

Replanted the basil which was getting way too huge for the little pot I had it in in the kitchen. ( I kept waiting for it to say " Feed ME! Seymour!) I hope it does alright outside, he got a bigger pot. I got a small house plant, an asparagus fern to take over the basil's spot in the kitchen. My outside flowers are doing fine, seem to be thriving. There is a lot more individuality in the complex then you might expect. Having lived in similar places in Virginia where no one really did much, quite of few of the either retired or disabled residents here have done their front porches to suit them. Anything from a glider, to a birdbath, lots of flowers, flags. I think it also inspires the younger set, who you usually do not see do much for patios, buying a few plants to take away the starkness and sameness.

We had a nice cheap (with a coupon) lunch at a local Mexican eatery. I was much more impressed with their Chile Rellanos then the last place Julie recommended. I judge most of these places on how they prepare my favorite dish. It was bright, inexpensive and tasty, a good combination. I know I cannot afford to go out often, but it does make life very dull to do nothing but work, sleep, work...etc. I am finding, with Julie's help, some of the hidden parts of the area I live in. Today I was told where to find the good local veggies when they come in season.

I am looking forward to my summer tomatoes...yummy.

My freedom is hinging on said car registration mentioned above. I cannot afford a ticket, I just don't have it, and won't. But it's becoming very frustrating not having any freedom to go out at all. So wish me luck..that VA and WV can get a simple electronic transfer done soon. No other news except that I still do not like using the laundry mat..grrrr.

hugs to all..

k

Now for the positive

I have already blogged, and not yet published on my other blog site, and yes..to some it will seem negative., it usually does. So I saved my perspective of my first day as Dual Rate supervisor on grave shift for here.

One: I have a terrific mentor. Shelley worked for the National Park police in D.C., and is witty and sharp as hell. I really like her. I think we are close in age, she might be a bit older. Though she herself is new to the position, she is just the type to take someone else new under her wing and be happy to show them the ropes.

Two: Interesting job, really, totally different than being a regular guard, and just as challenging as Podium or Control. The difference being you are always on the move, and are dealing with the other side of the reports generated in Control, it is your report. We handled several different issues, two separate incidents of intoxicated patrons who had to be walked out. One got visibly angry, the other was fairly pleasant acting. And one under age entry, not a guards mistake, a runner at the post. I did a fair amount of go-for-ing, I knew I would, but I really don't mind. You have to start somewhere, and being low man on the totem pole is where you begin.

The reports themselves do not seem difficult, it's finding them in the computer that is a challenge, lol. Even Shelly said the system is not set up well.

I get to be a DR every Friday and Saturday night, the busiest times at the casino. My official start will not be until the Lottery paperwork can be completed and passed. For those of you that read the other blog, you know what is holding that up..yup..my torn up finances.

I have not and will not give up. I don't quit. I leave that to other people. The ones that believe I am so unhappy and won't move on.

It is good getting to know this shift, new faces, new duties, even in Podium and Control, a broader perspective of how things work there. I may not be rolling in the dough, but I am trying. I know how limited it is out there in the job market for people with my qualifications. Remember, I looked actively for almost 2 years, starting before I even moved up here. So, if I have to learn new skills, I am doing that now, and have been for 1 and 1/2 years.

I have been told by more than a few people that you don't adjust to the hours of grave. I'll give it my best. I am totally open to working other shifts however, lol. It is just plain weird however to go to work in the dark, and leave as the sun rises. The rest of the world is waking up, and I am headed to home and bed. Part of my appeal to the decision makers is that I am flexible, and I intend to stay that way.

To the folks that think I am stuck in a rut and whining about it?..a giant raspberry is blowing in your direction. ( along with an independent and uncontrolled middle finger..hahaha) I may not make the money that the men in my life have, but I give everything I am to my jobs. I take pride in my work, and look forward to learning new things. And, if I can straighten out my money situation, I will return to school, and apply for grants. I just might give another whack to nursing. If I had a choice in where I work it would still be the medical profession. Until that time I will continue to move forward as well as I can in my current job. If I had not applied myself from the beginning there, I would still be a guard plugging along.

This was a good day..er..night..lol.

-despite the comment that was made.

the reply is coming..but not here.

Hugs, K

wait! I'm putting something here!

And over here..and over there..and there is that corner right there! I am putting information everywhere!! ( doing a little dance..) "Tossing out the informations"..singing a song abouts it...spreading it e-v-e-r-y-w-h-e-r-e.... LMAO.