The Tale of Sarah Burnheart

When I was five I believed that your feelings were kept in your throat. Why? Because when you tried to stop crying your throat hurt. I cannot remember if it was Dad or Mom, but somebody yelled at me. I was at a mid point on wooden stairs coming down to the living area from the bedrooms. Clutching my throat I cried out painfully " You hurt my feelings!" Yeah, a flair for the dramatic at a very young age. It was my parents that dubbed me "Sarah Burnheart", and my middle brother became "Sam Heartburn."

I continue my love of drama today in both books and movies when I get a chance to see a very good one. (yes, that is rare these days, I've been lucky to afford a red box movie, but I do have some favorites kept a round to revisit.) In my high school years I was in two productions, and a member of the Thespian club at two of the 4 high schools I attended. I even directed a melodrama for the youth group at my church to raise money.."Dirty Work at the Crossroads." You know, the bad guy wore black and had a curly mustache, and the hero and heroine were squeaky clean. It was fun.

I prefaced this blog with the above because I do want to make one thing clear...I write drama as well as read and watch it. If I wrote a ho-hum 'this is what happened today' blog it would not prove to be very interesting to my viewers. So yes, I am dramatic when I describe thing s in my life, and how I am feeling. If this is taken out of context, then you don't know me very well, too bad so sad, read more often. Yes my life has taken a giant turn to the worse, but I am Not sitting at my computer crying. I am venting with a flair meant to explain as well as entertain, that is what good writers do, and I attempt that, though I am by far not the best writer out there.

I also know I am not alone in my financial difficulties, there are millions of people in the same ocean liner looking for life boats only available for the few. If you pay attention to any current events at all you know the U.S. government is also scrambling for debt relief, and not doing such a great job about it either. At least in our households we don't have to play political games pitting party versus party, games that really do not belong in such a serious situation. Who cares if you are Republican or Democrat when you are trying to get bills paid and food on the table? Whatever is most effective and can reasonably help correct the damage done is what is important. That goes for our households and our country.

On another note:

Being broke does not mean that "I" am broken. If you perceive my blogs to reflect that I am, then you do not know me, and never tried to. I am damaged yes, and the person who did the most damage still thinks that he is practically perfect in every way. ( and innocent) My scarring is in my own self perception, because if I was not worthy of faithfulness, (ever) then what was wrong with me? That is the damage done, but it has not broken Me.

I am slowly realizing that it was not my being unworthy. It was 'his' not knowing right from wrong , and 'his' not caring about how that would hurt or effect me. ( he did not give a crap then, and he does not give a crap now.) He still tries to blame me for how I reacted, instead of admitting his own guilt. I don't feel he can be honest even with himself. It would be an admission of weakness, and I could live to 100 and he will never come clean about any of it. The blame I cast on myself is that I did not read 'him' well at all in our time together. He slipped through my bad guy detector and I was naive, even at 40 years of age. I wanted him to be the best thing that ever happened to me, and willed it to be so. I sabotaged myself and he did the rest.

End of side note.

To conclude...I am nothing if not very honest. The only person I have ever lied to was me. I don't blame everything that happened to me on him, some of that was my fault. But what a whammy when you add the two together. I won't stop blogging in my own style for fear of being misconceived either. I have never claimed to be perfect, not in my blogs, or in my life. And I have certainly done a great deal of self examination since February when I started blogging my life and my pain. My therapy works just fine, though it cannot fix everything that has gone wrong in my life, sharing is what helps me heal on the inside.

If you cannot see yourself then truly you are blind in self awareness. ( something that You claim is a strength of yours.) Go find yet another guru on You Tube. You need to accept that you are flawed just like everyone else. Ask yourself 'why?' and not just excuse yourself by blaming someone else for something You did to them.

until next time,

k

a little good news that gets eaten by a shark

My temporary level one license for Dual Rate supervisor has been approved.

~k

What should be good news,is a very small victory at this point in my life.

I wish I felt like celebrating..but hell, I have no money and no one to celebrate with.

It will be a small amount more on my check, nothing noticeable, and Uncle Sam gets his. ( maybe I can get a gallon of gas...I am riding on fumes now)

I am in a fine temper this morning, cursing out loud and ranting. I am so tired of the negative side winning these days. Every small bit of good news is eaten by the monster with big sharp teeth that is my debt. The next collection agency that calls me is going to get an earful. I had dutifully called each and every one and explained that I had no assets and no way to obtain what they were asking for.

If that means jail, go right ahead. Hmm..3 meals, education, no taxes..ok. I already slave away for a small ass paycheck that does not make my ends meet. They can squeeze as hard as they can, this stone is not yielding a drop of blood. IF I Had the money, I would pay them...but no..I must be hoarding my gold, it's under my bed in a plastic tote. My closet is hiding the crown jewels as well. And I buried my millions under a bush, dang, how did they guess??? Oops, I forgot that island I own again..so damn silly of me.

What is sad is that I never saw this coming. Not a hint that the last part of my life would be spent miserably in debt and locked in room for the most part. I ask, where is the quality in this life? Unfortunately the answer is none. Shaking the magic 8 ball...and the answer is' doubtful.' ( I always hated those stupid 8 balls) Yeah..yeah me! Boy Howdy..I am the Bloody Queen of the bloody empty wallet and the bloody empty life. Long live the stupid queen. (off with her bloody head)

For yet another disgustingly optimistic rant from the Queen, stay tuned. If she still has cable that is.

downward slide

Yep, sliding downhill, though I am digging in my feet and grabbing for roots and trees to slow myself down. There is not a penny to spare right now. Consequently my phone is off, so if anyone needs to reach me, at least for this month I still have internet. For emergencies I have forwarded my work number to those who might need to call.

I've seen this coming. Out of the corner of my eye I caught a glimpse of the train rolling along. I've crunched numbers, and funny, it used to be harder to do that. I have limited bills and a limited check, so it's not hard to see what's happening. Basic bills must be paid, but anything extra (hah!-I have not seen that since week one) is done for. Next I will be trimming the grocery budget as much as I can, buying those $1 meals and foregoing lunches at work, that is already in the works. ( I have not had fast food or take out for months)(though I did have a very nice meal with a friend last week-thank you Vicki) Cigarettes are next, and I give you all fair warning, don't test me after I quit, I will be a grouch or worse. And finally, health insurance, that will likely have to go as well, and still it will be damn tight.

I am hitting the want ads, and maybe I can find something part time for after my shifts at the casino. I could apply there for a second job, but seriously, I don't want to be there anymore than I already am, I feel like I live there. Some luck would be good, today's employers have a huge selection of choices, and most of those people will be more flexible than I am right now, but it does not hurt to try.

But you know what? There are times when I wonder why bother. If I am going to keep sliding down hill, fighting it sometimes feels futile. This feeling of "why fight the inevitable?" comes over me. I am not depressed, but I am getting tired of trying to figure this out to the better. If I could count on OT then I could plan for it. I will be on a 6 day week for the next 3-4 weeks. (who needs a life anyway) But, when I open my check it's like...where is it? Where is the difference? And Uncle Sam feels that I should be taking home less. At that appointment at the IRS I felt like jumping out of chair and yelling at her, " do YOU have to wonder how YOU are going to make it lady?!" I either get my cash this way, or I will end of filing for some sort of government assistance, and so what difference does it make? And I really do not want to go that route.

It sickens me, that a company that made $500 million in profits last year cannot pay their employees enough to live on. I've done everything I possibly could to get ahead there, and it's not making a difference.

***If I had been allowed to stay at the house until I found a roommate, or gone through the dealer's classes, that I was approved for with funding, then none of this would be. It would have been another 14 weeks..not fast enough for him. The pushing, and the hate that had appeared behind it, made staying impossible. I just wonder why I was exempt from simple kindness, and any kind of concern, especially after 9 years. If this is what he was hoping for, then I am sure he is very happy. If the situation was reversed, I'd have a hard time living with myself.

Makes me wonder, who he really is. What happened to my 'best friend?' Someone who can cry at sad movies, give a twenty to a stranger in need, then do what he did to the person who loved him with no guilt or remorse at all. What did I ever do to him that was so horrible? From someone who shared a life, love, and laughter with me? That overnight he hated..I really will never understand, and he is not forthcoming with answers. I've searched my soul asking what I did that was so wrong that I did not deserve a real chance to make it on my own.***

I know, have a pity party for yourself..sorry..but optimism took the day off, reality came over to visit. He is not a nice guest, and I would prefer he leave and send oblivious and happy back over in his place, they are nicer guests, in small doses. I shall spare you an additional whiny blog this week, and wait till I have something happier to yack about.

>:-(

k

Mission Accomplished

Today is the day that I have completed and turned in my WV Lottery License packet for Dual rate supervisor. I think that this has been the hardest I have ever had to work to apply for a position in my life. Now it is totally up to some faceless person in the Commission to review my data and decide whether I am worthy. At this point I just feel relieved, and ya know what? If the answer comes back No, I will understand and still feel like I did my best.

Probably for a lot of applicants it was not the chore that it has been for me. If you follow my blogs you know that my debt is huge for a single person making not a great deal of money, and was accumulated over a time period that I believed I was a partner to, and some day to become a wife of the person who essentially dumped me after proposing. When that fell apart, my credit dived, and it is past resuscitation. Uncle Sam wants me for back taxes because I withdrew from my 401 K to pay his taxes. They have no sympathy and don't care why I withdrew it, even with a cancelled check showing the money was paid to the United States Treasury.

All of that depressing and exhausting paperwork had to be completed prior to filing for my license. The last piece arrived this week. I still have no clue whether I can file for bankruptcy, and I am sharing my boat with a plenty of other Americans who have found themselves unable to get the kind of pay that they once made. Heck, 2/3 of the people I work with can relate.

Now I wait, and I am not stressing it. If it happens it happens, if not I move onto a new plan for a second job, if I can find one that works with my current schedule. If God decides to lay a miracle on me, believe me I will be singing off key loud enough for everyone to hear. I pray for help everyday, even if it is only continued strength to carry on.

Hugs to my cheerleaders,

k

I might just be tired but..

If 'one' of my viewers is pulling up similar entries to make a point, it would be a whole lot easier to get your gist if you would either write or comment. Are you looking for discrepancies? I am not particularly good at mind reading, especially on this schedule. Don't be afraid to talk, I'm not. Speak! "woof-woof"! Now you can have a cookie--just kidding, I am tired and a bit silly this morning.

~k

ps: and wow! You have a great memory to go right to the other entry, I am impressed. Waiting for a written response. Or if you know me, text or call.

Early morning: My 7 month review

My sleep these days is a roller coaster ride of waking up and going back to sleep to get my body back on schedule for work. It plays havoc with my sense of time, I think I have mentioned waking up and not knowing what day it was. It is doubly weird that grave shift is at work twice in the same day, it makes you feel like you never left, just had a brief recess.

This has been a very good weekend however, and I thoroughly enjoyed it. I got to meet a good friend for the first time! I finally had a call back ( actually when I was awake for a change) from the hospital regarding the pension info. ( and even though it is depressing in it's smallness after a 15 year employment there, I am grateful to finally have the damn paperwork. It only took 4 weeks of phone calls, and being nice when I felt like yelling..lol.) Now I am the gathering it all point, updating the horrid credit info, and submitting it with fingers crossed to licensing. It will quite simply be a yes or a no. I have a clean background except for my devastating debt and taxes. It will be completely up to them to see if they will believe in me or not. I am working on the clean up, it just cannot happen that quickly.

Still not a peep out of the sunshine fund and the loan for bankruptcy. I have stopped pushing because it will mean a good size bite out of my paycheck to pay them back, all within 12 months. Add that to the IRS wanting me to claim nothing so I won't owe them, and my paychecks are going to make me curse out loud for a long time.

I still have not given up hope for a miracle. If I had someway to support myself for 14 weeks making a great deal less money than I need to get by, I would go for that dealers class. Unfortunately that has not happened. I had to stop it in the Spring because I could not afford to do it and be able to move out in the time frame that I was given to leave the premises. If I had been allowed to stay it would have happened, but it would have been a nightmare for me to deal with, watching someone take over my life, and having my unworthiness rubbed in my face everyday. I could not do my best with classes, and work if every second I was at the house was spent trying to be invisible, and fighting for my right to stay. My own sanity was at sake, so I chose to heal instead of staying and hurting.

This new beginning has not been a whole lot of fun, but it has helped me grow. Funny to say that at my age, but it's true. Throughout my life I have never had a problem with being alone, but not to the extent that this change has brought me. I am sometimes quite lonely, the walls do close in on me, but I am still here. The battle of paperwork and debt has been a hard one, something I never really cared to do, but if I don't do it, who will?

The loss of him being my family and the loss of his love has been very hard, it was the wish in my heart that my life would have been spent with him, despite his faults. Now, I know I can be single and not be lost. I have listened to my head and my heart and have made a decision that no further searching will be done. Whatever God or fate has in mind for me will happen on it's own, I am not pushing the issue.

And finally, I have torn apart my life, examined it, and seen my own mistakes. I've done a lot of soul searching these past 7 months. Love and wanting love made me blind to what I was doing to myself. I am sure the rest of the world can relate, love is something we all need. But I ignored the other side of me wanting to be his partner, and that was vulnerability. I placed trust where I should not have, blindly, despite many warning signs, and some of them were flashing screaming red at me, kind of hard to ignore, but I did.

I don't want to become a callous and uncaring, and untrusting person. I just want to be wiser, after all, I have had a life time of experience, I should refer to that and be smarter about my choices, even though it "feels" right. I don't feel that what he did to me will change who I am inside. I think it will just make me a little more cautious in taking leaps that require a commitment of my heart. I've already come to a complete stop on the momentum that carried me through life, with my heart wide open and hopeful.

And finally, I can be happy with just me. Oh and Gilly, lol. I just wish things were a little easier. I can look forward hopefully to a better review at the end of the year. :-)

Have a good week everyone,

k

Meeting At last, a Good Friend

Vicki, is a very sweet, and an extremely cool lady, who I first happened to start talking to when my life fell apart after January 14th. Stupid me, I could have met her ages ago if I had gone into Red Hot and Blue and listened to her band when they played there. She has been the strong second half of my support system ( the first being Mel) when I really needed someone to talk to.

All of this was done on line, via emails and comments for the most part. Today was the first time we met, and I can only say I know I have been blessed, (twice blessed =Mel) to have both of these ladies in my life.

Melinda and I have known each other for about 7 years now, having met at work and discovered kindred spirits in sarcasm and life in general. Vicki I have only known for 6 months so far, but I hope we shall always remain friends. I want to thank her for being a shoulder to lean on, and for the "atta girls" and the friendship she offered to someone who was essentially a stranger to her.

I Also would like to add that meeting Judy was also a pleasure, I can see why she and Vicki are such good friends.

I know I have a tendency to talk ears off these days..you can blame that on too much time alone, Sorry about that. (Gilly, though he tries, is not so good at giving advice and sharing life's stories.) I used to do the same thing to Mel on the weekends I stayed at her place. It would be a gab fest of catch-up. When the only people you talk with are co-workers years younger and the wrong sex for the most part, it sort of gets bottled up.

( I do talk to myself, but I don't always like what I am hearing so I tell me to be quiet. Lol)

So to Melinda for her undying friendship, and to Vicki for her huge heart and new friendship..I want to thank you both, most sincerely. I don't think I would have gotten this far without you both.

love n hugs,

k

Another day off

The place is quiet except for my fan and Gilly's gentle snore. I should be getting to bed soon to catch some needed sleep before Hugo (upstairs neighbor) comes home and turns on the Bolivian folk music. After leaving work it was typical for a Monday, find quarters, do laundry, a few chores. Watched a movie and now bed. I cannot do much to break up the routine, there is nothing in my pocket to go out(and do alone,) and no one stopping by today to share time. Julie has not been here since before the Grandbaby made her entrance, over a month and half ago.

I hope to see Vicki at last, tomorrow morning some time. She is coming to the casino tonight. (unfortunately a day off for me, and we are not allowed to play) Since the new lounge is off limits when we are not working, I cannot even go and listen to her do karaoke either. I hope we can catch a cup of coffee together before she has to leave. I'd invite her here, but not sure of their time frame, and the cupboard is sort of on the bare side. After that it's a doctor's appointment I cannot get out of, or he won't renew the blood pressure meds.

More phone tag tomorrow as well, for those people who are keeping me waiting for answers.

If this sounds too exciting for you to handle..I'm sorry..try to keep up with my pace. (ha) The highlight of my days is usually after watering my posies , sitting outside on the porch in the sun and reading a while. (the cobwebs see more action than me) Life has been very quiet since about April 1st.

Have a good day all,

k

PS: I did get about 11 hours of sleep today, guess I needed that.

Not good

Very broke this week, wincing kind of broke. Hoping this does not spiral into next month. Wish I could think of something funny to take away the sting, but right now I am coming up with nothing. ( same as my bank account--oh, there you go, a funny) I have to figure something out soon. Except for this connection to the internet, I don't know what else I can cut out. If I cut out my net connection there will be not much else left to do around here. Wheee.

k

Good Morning and Good Night

Knowing what time of day it is and how to greet someone is usually something most of us never think about, it comes naturally, " Have a good day!" or "have a nice night." Working someplace where everyone is a shift worker makes things more complicated. I have noted and understand why night workers pass you and say "good morning" and why night workers who are leaving ( in early daylight) say "have a good night. No matter the shift, day, swing or grave, as they enter the building they say good morning as they pass by.

Then add patrons to that mix. There are almost no windows in a casino, they don't want you to know what time it is, also there are no clocks. As someone leaves, you take into account the amount of light there is in the sky( peeking into the garage) , and the time on your watch, and try to give the appropriate wish upon their leaving.

It's 3am, it's still dark, and someone passes you to exit. Do you:

a. Wish them a good night

b. Wish them a good morning.

c. It depends on the person.

**C is the correct answer. Most of the time someone corrects you after you wish them a....

After a night of wishing everyone good morning or good night, it sometimes feels like you are in a time warp. You walk out the door to sunshine, it's 7am, and you will be going to bed in a few hours, your night is everyone else's day. Then you lay down to sleep. Throughout your night you wake up and glance at the curtains to see what time of day it is. Several times I have woken with a start thinking that I somehow overslept since I can see daylight creeping in. Or I look at the clock and think 8am? or 8pm? Because the damn sunlight is messing with me.

I am not sure if I will ever adapt to my grave shift hours, it just does not feel right. I still battle dark circles under my eyes because I don't think my body understands either. On swing I had 9 hour days 4 days a week, on graves 7.5 5 days a week.(plus mandatory OT). I do not recall ever reaching 1030pm on swing and feeling exhausted. On grave, at 6am, I am fading. It's not from lack of sleep, I try to get a good nights rest as much as possible, likely more than I did on swing.

I've talked to more than a few folks about working grave, and the general consensus is: it takes a long time to adapt, and some people never do. Good grief...good night..er..good morning.

what time is it?

k

Eau de Pepe le Peu

What a fantastically beautiful morning for mid July! Cooler dryer air, sunshine, birds all singing away. Escaping my box at work, I exited the building glad to be away from Alarms going off for 16 hours. Each step brought me closer to my car and home. Crossing the crosswalk (defying death) I headed to the employee lot, watching the cross guard near the barns stopping traffic, and the beautiful race horses headed towards their morning exercise. I'd love to have a morning ride, but settled for one in my car.(rats. I really miss horseback riding)

The grounds have some gorgeous landscaping, a joy to look at as I drive by. A smart little bird crosses the street everyday in almost the same spot ahead of me, beady black eye watching me as he hopped onto the curb. ( I softly say to myself "ok bird, you are pressing your luck" and laugh.) I think that bird waits for me. Rounding the curve, the morning sun is bright, almost bringing a sparkle to the town spread out before me. I breathe deep and....gasp! "SKUNK!"

No lie, there are more skunks per square mile in the Eastern Panhandle of West Virginia, then I have ever encountered before. I think we have had a migration. One skunk told another, and another until they all moved in. I don't think there are any natural predators here that like to eat skunk, including humans. In the course of one car ride you can regularly take a whiff of Pepe le Peu. They are everywhere, and I can sometimes smell them inside the building at work, which means that was one dang potent skunk. ( I have often stopped to ponder if they have found a way into the ducts, lol) There is even a rumor of a 'giant' skunk almost all white..our very own Loch Ness  monster of 'Stinkydom'.

There is a gentleman who routinely traps the stinky buggers and removes them from property. I have even seen one crossing the field in the middle of the racetrack as the sun was setting, no fear of crowds or thundering race horses for that skunk. (The barn cats stay well clear of those  co-inhabitant as well.)  I am presuming that they somehow find their way back here, because the population always seems to be on the increase. Too bad there is nothing we can do to discourage their interest in the fair city of Charles Town. if this keeps up..we just might have to change the city name...I'm not going to say it, but you can think it, lol.

hugs, and have an unstinky day

k

Just a few memories

The caption on the picture seen above with the Three Black Cats, " Eenie, Meanie, and Miney, and there ain't going to be no Moe." was an expression my Grandfather used when the three of us grandchildren, my 2 brothers and myself, would visit. Going to Grandmother and Grandfathers house meant a fair amount of boredom for three young children, but we looked forward to it. There was always a Sunday dinner, roast beef, mashed potatoes and veggies, followed by homemade chocolate cake. (Mmmmm!)

My Grandfather also had a large picture of a desert scene over his living room couch. I don't think I can count how many times he told us to find the rabbit in the picture. It was obviously a ploy to occupy three bored minds into behaving respectfully. A blue collar man, Granddad was a 6'4", blonde hair and blue eyed Bethlehem Steel worker in Baltimore, MD. There is a picture in my childhood album shot at Christmas ( 5 years old-fussy dress and peppermint sticky cheeks) sitting on his lap, he had his head wrapped in bandages with a Christmas bow stuck on top,(--er--I did that) recovering from a work injury. He stayed with Bethlehem Steel until they were closing and forced his retirement.

Of course, that generation, our Grandparents, would be the last blue collar generation to really have 'golden years.' After retirement he fulfilled a dream and camped across Canada, two times I believe, and traveled extensively. Later when he had a stroke in his 70's the traveling stopped, he went from being a big strong man, to a frightened man afraid to go out, so very sad to see.

My Grandparents divorced and remarried when I was 12 years old. ( a hard concept back then, divorce was a great deal rarer.) So Christmas's became extremely busy days: home, then to my Grandmother on my mother's side, then to Grandmother on my fathers side, to an Aunt and Uncles, then to my Grandfather's, and eventually to a party held with one whole side of the family there. Whew! We were never anywhere long enough to get into trouble. It was a whirl of gifts, food, and relatives that ended around 1:00 am, just 4 hours shy of being 24 hours of Christmas. After we moved away from the East coast ( I was about 14) Christmas became a very quiet day compared to what we had all grown accustomed to.

I've lost all my Grandparents and my Mother now to heaven, but I am extremely grateful for the memories that I gathered while sharing time with them. As you can tell by the Christmas story, for many years our family was always together. After we moved the family slowly broke apart with some moving farther away scattering across the country, divorce, and some leaving this earthly plain. Where there used to be many, now are now very few, and I miss those times of family. I am so far from what family I have left that visits are very rare. For a long time I considered Ron and his family to be mine also. Now that too is gone. Times certainly have changed.

What a difference a day makes..argh

7/11/11

As of last night, the over time has become Mandatory for all Grave workers indefinitely. So Not Digging it. I don't mind if it is My idea, but the way it was presented was extremely poor, and set off my temper enough to burn for hours. I know I need the money, but I have never seen a dramatic increase on my checks in over one and half years from the O.T. It barely seems to make a difference. I am sorry to be grouchy this morning, seriously. If it had been stated any other way I likely would not have reacted with anger. But I already feel like work is the only life I have right now, and it is not enough.

People need a balance so when they do work it is with a lighter heart. Whether it is time with friends, or doing something that makes you smile, it has to be there. I keep reaching to grab the positive, and have been since I stopped crying over the butt-head. But four walls and a trip back and forth to work don't add up to a full life. That and trying to fix insurmountable financial woes with a grin on my face, it's really hard to do. I pray daily for a miracle, even a small one, so I can feel like I am making a difference of some sort.

Sigh...perhaps I am just over tired right now. I will sleep on it, work and find unconsciousness again the same time tomorrow. Or I can hope that time will have unraveled, and I will wake up and be 19 again with life blooming in front of me. Hell, I know I could have worked 14 days straight at the age, because I did. But I also had a life at home, family and friends to share it with. And..the path I would chose would be quite different. Stay in college, get that degree, and be able to support myself without today's problems.

Maybe I would be a great deal wiser at love as well, waiting for the right one, and so not wasting 9 years of my life living on hope that someone would grow up and appreciate what they had, and not keep on looking. Two faced, one mouth saying " I love you baby," and the other saying" hey! I'm single and looking..no I am not with someone." And I guess he never really was with me..just killing time, making his moves..Don Ron, the eternal Lothario. ( with a line for every time...full of bologna...constantly trying to re-invent himself by sleeping with someone new.) I sort of loved him without all the falseness and causes of the moment. It was not his causes I fell for.

My next life? I will be smarter, if only to protect myself and my happiness.

I'm rambling so...off I go

Yawning,

k

Feeling it

Feeling the night...alll over mah body! Tired and achy, so nothing new or earth shattering here today. Hope everyone has a good day and a great week. I am signed up for Over time, so it is likely I won't be saying too much, though if you listen closely you will hear...ZZZZZZZ..snore...snore. This means one day off out of 7, then back for 5 more. (sadly, I don't think there will be much of a difference on my check.)

argh..

hugs,

k

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hmm...tapping fingernails and wondering...

My horoscope for today..hopeful message..doubtful delivery. Not being pessimistic, just realistic because I know myself and how I am feeling these days. Being stuck in a rut is not just my financial status, it is also my personal status. Afraid to move forward (which I have previously mentioned in other blog entries) and cannot turn back. My heart feels like a split personality disorder..

"Go for it!"

"Umm..No."

" Check out that profile! funny guy?"

" Umm..NO."

"Oh! Yea Baby, now we are talking..stud to the rescue!"

"Um..No and NO!"

Sigh..see? Ok, I will copy what it said so you can see for yourself. I am the Push Me Pull Me, from Dr Dolittle...the original. ( what have I said before? If you are not old enough, you should not read here! Lol. Look it up!)

And Voila! The previously mentioned portent of miracle....

"Deep inside of you, exciting new ideas are finally starting to gel. If you keep a hopeful attitude and stay focused on the positive side of things, you should start to sense a new beginning coming soon. This could be the start of a special relationship that takes you in new directions. If you have been looking for a new romance, this could be it. You are definitely ready for the emotional challenge of it -- right now you are in a position to be an excellent partner."

Ummm..Suuurree! If you say so, I will buy it.( the relationship prediction) Despite everything, I am a romantic at heart. I used to believe in fate...that unseen force that brings two people together. It has happened twice in my life, and it felt very very right, but turned out wrong. These days the romantic is being tied down by reality....status financially, age, and insecurity, three giant whammies. It's still there..hopeful to the last, but I am not holding my breath anymore, -or- diving into something that may look right but is just another romantic blunder. I'll take the new hopeful beginning, yes indeed! I WANT THAT! ( I would at least attempt a cartwheel and a couple of somersaults) But Caution..is my byword towards men. Attaching my safety belt now..and it's wait and see.

(* wondering..if they can let me borrow the ropes they use for special effect fighting..I know I could cartwheel then..heh heh)

hugs,

k

~~~~

Amendment to this blog: All dating accounts closed. I will go with fate, and not force a new relationship. I feel I have had my chance at love, and will stay single until life sends someone my way, or not. My own self-expectations set me on a course I was not ready for, and later did not want at all. If God intends me to be alone then what will be will be. If it seems I am chickening out..I am not. Heart break and I are well acquainted, and I am not going to set myself up for another one by finding the wrong one.

k-7/19/11

~~~~

determined

Determined to get this daggone paperwork completed this week...that is the stuff for licensing. I am still waiting on an old employer to send pension info..then I should be able to finish this and turn it in. Whether I pass their inspection is another story. At least I will know one way or the other.

But...when those 70 + pages are off my desk, I still have paperwork to complete for the IRS.

Sunshine fund..still no answer for loan for Bankruptcy.

A second job is growing more likely to be needed. If I do get the loan, I will lose money each check. And per the IRS I need to change my W4..so that is $90 less as well per check.

I really just want things resolved, to know my final status, so I can move on and plan for it.

Personal paperwork, always puts a smile on mah face..NOT..when it takes weeks to finish...argh.

Officially poor? Yes. Yes indeed. If I did not know it before, I sure do now.

k

9/22/11 Amendment

Sunshine fund Never answered me, at all, despite repeated messages asking. I gave up after leaving at least 4 messages. Not sure WHY they would purposely ignore a employee request, but they did. Now the additional funds are no longer in my account, due to medical bills and vehicle requirements. IRS stuff still pending and I have to get a move on before it gets worse.

Will require a visit to WV office in Martinsburg for my "I ain't got no money honey" paperwork.

I'm really tired of this. There is only so much bullshit paperwork that I can stand and I met my limit a while ago. Poor, yes. Frustrated? You bet.

k

Dinner is Served!

Burritos are bundled.. meat, beans and cheese all cozy within the tortillas. Come on over if ya want some.

I'll throw in some chips.

~k

Neighbors

I have become quite popular with my elderly neighbors. They see me come and go, watch me tote my laundry or fetch my mail. There is always a kindly wave. One of the porch sitters recently moved. I had no idea what happened, only that one day he was gone. Then yesterday as I dropped off my rent I heard "HI!!" and looked to see my old neighbor now occupying a new porch in the older section, which seems to be closer to assisted care. He was so happy to see me he actually spoke more than the usual greeting. I felt bad leaving, but said I would see him around.

I can totally relate to their days, waiting for interaction of any kind. Happy to see anyone walking by.

Another porch sitter (with a motorized scooter) always sits outside hat on. I can see home health stopping by to visit and help at least once per day. As I was doing laundry after a long night, he said something as I was walking by. I could not hear him, so I walked closer. I imagine I looked tired ( there are always circles under my eyes now..not a day passes when I cannot see them in the mirror. I wonder if this will be my 'new' look.) What he said was "You need to wake up." and he chuckled. I replied " I've been up all night..just trying to get this chore done." I guess that was a real knee slapper, because he did...laughing and slapping his knees. I smiled, at least I gave him a moment of happiness, however unintended.

Yes it is a quiet part of the neighborhood. There are many disabled people living on this side. I guess I admit to preferring their friendly waves to loud music and louder cars. But it bothers me...that this apartment sits amid others who are just waiting. Waiting for family to stop by, waiting for someone to wave to them, just waiting for the next stage, and sadly for most it will be somewhere closer to a nursing home. Me? I have felt like I was waiting since I moved in.

Waiting for there to be an appreciation of freedom...one that I did not ask for. It sometimes seems more like a jail then a home. Time I must serve. I wonder when I will get out for good behavior? Or will I grow cobwebs and end up sitting on my porch waving at young people passing by?

~

k

ps: There are times when Mr Ed, my old neighbor, slips and stills says "Hi neighbor" to me at work. Not anymore. My old home is filled with un's. Un-neighborly, unfaithful, unkind and undeserving.

Today's Observations

~~I'm so bored I can feel my hair grow.

~~No matter how much I clean, the cat hair wins.

~~I am tempted to answer spam...oh yeah..now you get it.

~~Cooking for one sucks...on a budget? more so...the same dinner for days.

~~I'll have to quit smoking because I cannot afford it, not for my health.

~~There is only so many tokens you can win, points you can get before

you start grinding your teeth.

~~my butt is attached to this chair.

July 4th

Think I will meet someone for coffee, and perhaps later we'll take in some fireworks from a Burger King dining room. . Maybe we will make love all night and stop at Bob Evans for breakfast, and peek into a trunk of antique rifles.( do you remember his tornado story?)

After that we can drive to Walmart and purchase a pair of jeans. (because we did not plan this, and you have to work, and need clothes.) Later on we will realize that we had not slept all night, neither one of us wants to say Goodbye. Spontaneous combustion, the fireworks were not just in the sky.

It was definitely a magical day and night. Together we made it so.

*That memory cannot be wiped away, tossed out, or duplicated. It was genuine, and as real as it gets. A wonderful 4th of July weekend, there shall not be another one like it. For me, it was and still is perfect to remember. I Thank you for that.*

Happy Anniversary.

~k