Early morning: My 7 month review

My sleep these days is a roller coaster ride of waking up and going back to sleep to get my body back on schedule for work. It plays havoc with my sense of time, I think I have mentioned waking up and not knowing what day it was. It is doubly weird that grave shift is at work twice in the same day, it makes you feel like you never left, just had a brief recess.

This has been a very good weekend however, and I thoroughly enjoyed it. I got to meet a good friend for the first time! I finally had a call back ( actually when I was awake for a change) from the hospital regarding the pension info. ( and even though it is depressing in it's smallness after a 15 year employment there, I am grateful to finally have the damn paperwork. It only took 4 weeks of phone calls, and being nice when I felt like yelling..lol.) Now I am the gathering it all point, updating the horrid credit info, and submitting it with fingers crossed to licensing. It will quite simply be a yes or a no. I have a clean background except for my devastating debt and taxes. It will be completely up to them to see if they will believe in me or not. I am working on the clean up, it just cannot happen that quickly.

Still not a peep out of the sunshine fund and the loan for bankruptcy. I have stopped pushing because it will mean a good size bite out of my paycheck to pay them back, all within 12 months. Add that to the IRS wanting me to claim nothing so I won't owe them, and my paychecks are going to make me curse out loud for a long time.

I still have not given up hope for a miracle. If I had someway to support myself for 14 weeks making a great deal less money than I need to get by, I would go for that dealers class. Unfortunately that has not happened. I had to stop it in the Spring because I could not afford to do it and be able to move out in the time frame that I was given to leave the premises. If I had been allowed to stay it would have happened, but it would have been a nightmare for me to deal with, watching someone take over my life, and having my unworthiness rubbed in my face everyday. I could not do my best with classes, and work if every second I was at the house was spent trying to be invisible, and fighting for my right to stay. My own sanity was at sake, so I chose to heal instead of staying and hurting.

This new beginning has not been a whole lot of fun, but it has helped me grow. Funny to say that at my age, but it's true. Throughout my life I have never had a problem with being alone, but not to the extent that this change has brought me. I am sometimes quite lonely, the walls do close in on me, but I am still here. The battle of paperwork and debt has been a hard one, something I never really cared to do, but if I don't do it, who will?

The loss of him being my family and the loss of his love has been very hard, it was the wish in my heart that my life would have been spent with him, despite his faults. Now, I know I can be single and not be lost. I have listened to my head and my heart and have made a decision that no further searching will be done. Whatever God or fate has in mind for me will happen on it's own, I am not pushing the issue.

And finally, I have torn apart my life, examined it, and seen my own mistakes. I've done a lot of soul searching these past 7 months. Love and wanting love made me blind to what I was doing to myself. I am sure the rest of the world can relate, love is something we all need. But I ignored the other side of me wanting to be his partner, and that was vulnerability. I placed trust where I should not have, blindly, despite many warning signs, and some of them were flashing screaming red at me, kind of hard to ignore, but I did.

I don't want to become a callous and uncaring, and untrusting person. I just want to be wiser, after all, I have had a life time of experience, I should refer to that and be smarter about my choices, even though it "feels" right. I don't feel that what he did to me will change who I am inside. I think it will just make me a little more cautious in taking leaps that require a commitment of my heart. I've already come to a complete stop on the momentum that carried me through life, with my heart wide open and hopeful.

And finally, I can be happy with just me. Oh and Gilly, lol. I just wish things were a little easier. I can look forward hopefully to a better review at the end of the year. :-)

Have a good week everyone,

k