I've seen this coming. Out of the corner of my eye I caught a glimpse of the train rolling along. I've crunched numbers, and funny, it used to be harder to do that. I have limited bills and a limited check, so it's not hard to see what's happening. Basic bills must be paid, but anything extra (hah!-I have not seen that since week one) is done for. Next I will be trimming the grocery budget as much as I can, buying those $1 meals and foregoing lunches at work, that is already in the works. ( I have not had fast food or take out for months)(though I did have a very nice meal with a friend last week-thank you Vicki) Cigarettes are next, and I give you all fair warning, don't test me after I quit, I will be a grouch or worse. And finally, health insurance, that will likely have to go as well, and still it will be damn tight.
I am hitting the want ads, and maybe I can find something part time for after my shifts at the casino. I could apply there for a second job, but seriously, I don't want to be there anymore than I already am, I feel like I live there. Some luck would be good, today's employers have a huge selection of choices, and most of those people will be more flexible than I am right now, but it does not hurt to try.
But you know what? There are times when I wonder why bother. If I am going to keep sliding down hill, fighting it sometimes feels futile. This feeling of "why fight the inevitable?" comes over me. I am not depressed, but I am getting tired of trying to figure this out to the better. If I could count on OT then I could plan for it. I will be on a 6 day week for the next 3-4 weeks. (who needs a life anyway) But, when I open my check it's like...where is it? Where is the difference? And Uncle Sam feels that I should be taking home less. At that appointment at the IRS I felt like jumping out of chair and yelling at her, " do YOU have to wonder how YOU are going to make it lady?!" I either get my cash this way, or I will end of filing for some sort of government assistance, and so what difference does it make? And I really do not want to go that route.
It sickens me, that a company that made $500 million in profits last year cannot pay their employees enough to live on. I've done everything I possibly could to get ahead there, and it's not making a difference.
***If I had been allowed to stay at the house until I found a roommate, or gone through the dealer's classes, that I was approved for with funding, then none of this would be. It would have been another 14 weeks..not fast enough for him. The pushing, and the hate that had appeared behind it, made staying impossible. I just wonder why I was exempt from simple kindness, and any kind of concern, especially after 9 years. If this is what he was hoping for, then I am sure he is very happy. If the situation was reversed, I'd have a hard time living with myself.
Makes me wonder, who he really is. What happened to my 'best friend?' Someone who can cry at sad movies, give a twenty to a stranger in need, then do what he did to the person who loved him with no guilt or remorse at all. What did I ever do to him that was so horrible? From someone who shared a life, love, and laughter with me? That overnight he hated..I really will never understand, and he is not forthcoming with answers. I've searched my soul asking what I did that was so wrong that I did not deserve a real chance to make it on my own.***
I know, have a pity party for yourself..sorry..but optimism took the day off, reality came over to visit. He is not a nice guest, and I would prefer he leave and send oblivious and happy back over in his place, they are nicer guests, in small doses. I shall spare you an additional whiny blog this week, and wait till I have something happier to yack about.
>:-(
k
3 comments:
I don't feel like you are whining. You are venting your feelings. I am so sorry that this is happening to you. I honestly don't know what I would be doing if not sharing a house with the kids...I am lucky in that respect.
Your friends will understand.
Love, Mel
I wish I had been allowed time to find a roommate instead of being pushed out. I wish that I could have taken the dealers class that I had gotten funding for, but I was told to leave by a certain date. I would not be in this position if not for him. And I am not talking about the dumping, it is the not caring whether I could make it or not. Simple human kindness was not shown to me, after giving of my self, and my love for 9 years. Either one of those things would have kept me from my current situation.
He was an asshole in so many ways. He cared nothing about anyone but himself. I will never understand how he just "turned" of his emotions. What goes around, comes around. I know you are tired of waiting for karma, but it will happen.
He is not your friend. Sounds like he doesn't know how to be a friend unless someone has something that he wants....then, once he has it....sayonara! I don't care if he reads this or not. He will never know (well, now he will) how difficult it was for me to be civil to him those few days when I helped you pack. I knew that if I said what I wanted to, then when I was gone, he would have taken his anger out on you. He was not worth my anger then, nor now.
Love, Mel
Post a Comment