New Year 2014

I'm sending wishes, to whom ever visits this little blog of mine, to have a Wonderful New Year.
Find your Joy, what makes you happy and brings a smile. Sometimes it is not the big things but the little moments that make a difference.

When I thank God I always ask that he fill my heart with: Joy, Peace, Hope,Love, Faith, and Light.. to be a positive person. I have found that it really has helped me grow beyond my past.

This does not mean that I will wear blinders and never see what is wrong in our world. I will continue to throw my two cents in when I feel outraged or upset. I feel that uncloaking the wrongs is the fastest way to make the changes that we need.

I hope that 2014 will be an awakening for those that tuck their heads in the sand and hide from unpleasantness. Open your eyes and see what is wrong so it can be made right. Turn that dark into Light.
Make a difference for the good, be a voice.

Love, K

On rapid feet

On rapid little little feet Christmas swiftly approaches. There will not be too much celebration here, I will be working. But I will make the Christmas cookies to share with others. I will spread the word "Merry Christmas!" with those coming and going. I will keep it alive in my heart.

My tree is small yet beautiful. I light it each night and it warms my heart. Gilligan tucks himself into a chair nearby and sleeps in it;s light.  Animals..I have always felt, know the joy of Christmas...it's simplistic message of love and peace. As a child I used to wonder..because our animal friends acted differently on Christmas, like they knew something special was happening. They quietly yet expectantly waited on Christmas morning. I remember talking to my brothers about this.

Was it just a fantasy that animals can speak or understand on Christmas? Perhaps, but they seem to share the anticipation..the waiting. Or was this just a dream I really wanted?

I know from past experience that our dogs and cats were watchful and waiting on Christmas eve. I'd like to believe that they shared in the joy. Even today Gilligan respects the Christmas tree, and would rather lay near it then climb it. He knows that there is something under the tree for him.

Nightmares and dreamscapes

(currently being given the 'evil eye' by Gilligan-he was quite comfortably laying in my lap when I decided to write a new entry. Oh! Now I am getting the 'hang your head over the edge of the bed and look woeful' pose. Guess I will have to make up for the inattention in a few minutes.)

Let's see...not going to write about the holidays and my situation, that's been talked about before.
Work is getting worrisome due to everyone's hours being cut due to the company not pulling in the profit it once did. This is because of new casinos in the area and the economy. Not much we can do about it but try to hang in there. It is making it more difficult getting from one paycheck to another. But...I have also mentioned that in a previous blog.

No, tonight I will share with you a nightmare, not something real, but instead something scary that occasionally visits me in dreams.  First understand that I am 54 years old. I used to think that bad dreams were the stuff of childhood. Anxiety dreams followed me through high school, usually at the beginning and the end of the school year. You know, dreams where you cannot find your locker, or somehow end up at school missing articles of clothing, missing your bus..etc. But I had truly believed that those days of nightmares were over.

I had a few doozy nightmares as a child that would repeat themselves every now and again. Tornado dreams, dark scary basement dreams, and yes some monster dreams. (don't you hate the ones where you feel frozen and unable to move away from whatever dreadful creature is coming towards you? I would always force myself awake, then realize that what I had opened my eyes to looked just like what I had been dreaming, and THAT freaked me out.)

But the one and only nightmare that has followed me through my entire life is...Godzilla. Oh hell yes..I know you are laughing, but it's true. (damn you) The dreams differ only by location. It is the sounds and the fear filled dread that is consistently present in all of them. I hear footsteps. Big damn footsteps that cause the earth to tremble and things to rattle on the shelves and sometimes fall off. You just know he is very close even though you cannot yet see him. You try to find a safe hiding spot.(really? Is there one? I mean he can crush whatever building, tree or bridge that is in his path.)

The latest version had me as part of a team that was (I assume) a "Godzilla Tracking team." (lmao) We traveled though a city that was partially demolished and seemed deserted of humans other than us. I assume it had become demolished where ever that big damn thing had already visited. We went from train station to skyscrapers, to finally a relatively untouched residential area. The few people that I was with were the only ones present, though it turned out that the animals had been left behind.

We could hear him getting closer. Everyone was frantically looking at the trees and sky, because you know he is one dang big bugger. It was decided in whispers to take our chances hiding in someone's open garage that had a closet. Well naturally, I just had to pick up a cat who was walking around and take it in there with me. As we were closing the door and attempting complete silence the footsteps came ever closer. Suddenly a previously unseen cat started to howl  (frigging loudly) at my feet. I tried shushing the cat..but it was too late. The footsteps stopped and the roar from the creature was so loud I knew it was close to where we were hiding.

Heart pounding and adrenalin flowing I woke up before I could be crushed or eaten. It was 5:15 a.m. Flip the light on next to my bed. Lay listening to the silence. Wondering why in the hell I still had dreams like this. Get up, check the few room in my place and lay back down. Waiting for my heart to settle back down.

I guess my claim to fame will be a very active subconscious that likes to keep me awake at nights.
You'd think at my age I would have different kinds of dreams instead of childhood nightmares. But Nooooo, not this gal.

I think it would be very polite if Godzilla gives me a years reprieve before visiting me in my sleep again.

Argh!
K

Holiday Season

You know I used to love the Holiday season, the festive decorations, the spirit shared. As a single person it has become a hard thing to get through. I miss the family being together; I miss the fellowship of the season in church. I know I could correct this by connecting with a local church, but my schedule is a hard thing to get around. I used to be a member of a choir, but my voice is not what it once was. (earplugs required)

Believe it or not, I am not bitching, just reminiscing. I do miss the Joy of Christmas past. I have not been able to afford to give for several years, and that was a thing that always made me happy, seeing the joy in another s face,.I miss having gatherings that brought us all together, disparate though we might have been, somehow it worked out, mixing two families and making it work.

I look forward to a future where this can happen once again. I don't care if the family is mine or not, it's the joy of sharing that draws me. I tried after my marriage broke up, and every year it felt wrong. My Mother passing shortly after the holidays after She  herself tried to bring things together. My trying to bring joy to a person who celebrated depression instead of the holidays. It was almost as though that was what he wanted it to be. And finally alone, wondering if this is what was my due for ending a marriage and starting a failed relationship.

I won't give up. I refuse to. I know that the Joy of the Season can be mine again. I know that I can feel peace and fellowship again. It's only a matter of time and circumstance.

I watched a movie tonight, shortly after I had made the decision to Not decorate for the holiday. That movie changed my mind. I sat sniffling and realizing that only I can make the decision that shapes this season for me. If I forgo the celebration I know how much I will miss it. So I will pull out the little tree and light it each night when I return from work. It won't bring me people to share my holiday, but it will be a beacon for my own soul.

Don't take for granted the gift of sharing the season with your family. There won't be a chance to bring it back if you pass it by. Relax, breathe in, watch and participate. It's all over so fast and who knows when it will come again.

Believe.


K

Everyone's trying to hang on

I sometimes imagine some CEO gazing blankly out an office window, and pondering their wealth, knowing that they have reached the top of the food chain. In their royal office they sit far above their employees who run to and fro with necessary menial jobs. Is there a part of them that can even conceive what it's like on the bottom rung of their company? Can they relate to a paycheck that does not cover your bills? Either they cannot, or they simply do not care.

I am hanging onto the bottom of that ladder, but it's getting hard to have a good grip. Most of the time I am told " Be grateful you have a job." Rest assured, I am grateful. I am happy to do my job, but I do not feel secure.

I have been working since I was 16 years old. There may have been some short gaps in employment, but never a lengthy one. Back in the 80's and 90's I felt like I could walk in anywhere and get a job, and they were happy to have me. I work my ass off because I DO have a good work ethic. That's a part of how my generation views and accepts duty to perform. We normally kick ass because that is the job culture we grew up with.

Since 2009 and the crash of Wall Street, companies seem to be running scared. They look for cheap labor, and part time labor so they do not have to pay an employee benefits. They KNOW that people will fill the gaps because we have no where else to go. The long term employee and the company " buy in" is disappearing.  It's hard to have faith in an employer when we are having our hours cut.

 Our grand parents and parents sometimes worked as an employee for one company for a life time. They were compensated for their loyalty, and had a retirement that was affordable. We've lost that kind of security. We are now always in fear, and that job security is not possible.

It's also hard for us to understand a CEO's fears when we need to be able to pay our household bills and keep a roof over our heads. We don't live like people who have money live.

We just hope that we can pay our utility bills to keep the lights and heat on.

Trips to exotic locations? Nope..Can we afford to eat meat this week?

A night on the town? Hopefully we can pay our cable bill this month.

 Luxury automobiles? Damn..how can I afford to pay for  the repair of my old car? How will I get to work?

Eating in a restaurant?  Do we still have milk? We get a great deal less for our money at the food store than we did 10 years ago.

So if you are not one of the higher ups a partial paycheck means 2 jobs. I cannot imagine that our economy will suddenly improve, so prices are not going to go down, they will just keep rising. I watch as the GAP between the rich and the poor is starting to look like a gaze across the Grand Canyon, the other side is getting hard to see, getting  wider everyday.

And yes, I wish the days of our grandparents had not disappeared. I have never in my life been a part-time
employee. I am not comfortable knowing my job could disappear in a heart beat. I am truly one paycheck away from living on the street, just like every hourly employee  I work with. This is not a secure life, It's living on the edge and all of us are just trying to hang on.

K

Sometimes life can suck

Sometimes, no matter how much you care and try to help someone, there is no solution. There comes a time when people need to find their own way. This is not saying that you do not care, but it can become a kind of co-dependence, a perpetual cycle that keeps on repeating because the person you are trying to help won't take responsibility for their own selves. It's easier to have someone help them, or someone to blame.

Today was a sad day, but it could also be a day of new beginnings. I hope that they continue to see it that way; it's a fresh start. It will not be easy. I know about beginning over, I have done it at least twice in my adult life. The first time I was charged with the belief that this was a new start and something wonderful could happen. The second time was a great deal harder because that something wonderful failed miserably.
Was I at rock bottom? Yes, I do believe I was.  It sure as hell felt like it.

My blogs (3 of them) reflect the changes and ups and downs of my stumbling into a new beginning,. It was not done by my choice, but because I simply had no other way to go. I know how hard it was by going back and recollecting my steps through my grief of what I felt was a failure.  Now I know the failure was not mine. It was destined to be because that something special really wasn't.

But it was really not a FAIL..not at all. I did my best to make something impossible work. When I was tossed out the world loomed quite intimidatingly in my face, and it took a great deal of courage to start over again at my age. But what other choice did I have? There really wasn't one, there is no fixing a problem that someone has, no matter how much you want it. If nothing else I do know that I am stronger now and I will never again depend on another person to complete me, because I complete myself.

I hope that the person I am speaking of can take those first steps. They will be painful. It won't be easy. But in the end you will attain a sense of pride in what You did to make a better life for yourself. And I know he can do it. He will have to kick himself in the pants a few times, but life is nothing if not new possibilities. I hope you find that, I really do. Get the help you need to set things straight, and see things through for yourself. Do not fall back into dependency on another to find your way. Get healthy and then get your head straight. From there on any obstacles will be easily overcome, because you will have faith in yourself. You Can Do It.

I truly hope that you read this...
~K

Another year wiser

That day, the one that approaches on sneaky little feet, is rapidly approaching. Another year notched in the Totem pole of my life...looks a little like a grinning cat now. There will not be fireworks to commemorate the day, no marching bands, no lively old man with a fiddle and a knowing grin. This is all just fine with me as it is just another day on the calender.

My sweet Dad sent me a very unexpected gift, a heart pendant with a cross, which is beautiful in its self, but the inscription on the back made my day, my year and a lifetime of smiles. "My little girl yesterday, my friend today, my daughter forever." Yep, got a little teary, and it means so much to me.  I quickly removed my heart necklace leftover from another time in my life, and replaced it with the new. If you know me, then you know I don't often change my jewelry, and this one will probably never be taken off.

I've spent the last several days with a very good friend who reminds me that we don't always have to behave, but to her credit it is usually me who is the troublemaker. I don't know, I believe it because I am free to be myself in her company. So much of life is spent at work acting the part that is expected by corporate. Smile, offer to help (which is not something I mind doing.) Coach and discipline, and don't share some of  what is going on. There are days when I'd like to tear off the jacket and just be a troublemaker..lol.

I'm wondering what new things the coming year will bring. With a smile in my heart I am hoping for the good and wishing away the bad. (roll those sleeves up girl and wade right into the thick of it...) Changes are coming and I am ready.

If you are reading this Pop, a giant hug and many kisses..you made this ol'
gal very happy to be your daughter.

Hugs,

~K 

What's Going On?

Ah friends, be grateful that I was Not posting here often during the Shutdown, I saved my rants for Facebook. The best thing to come of that fiasco was the Tea Party Republicans discrediting themselves for any future elections in the immediate future. It was a hostage taking pure and simple, and in any other time would have been considered sedition and their asses would now be in jail. They accomplished nothing they intended to do. They have been trying to prevent the White House and Obama from making any creditable change during his tenure. But their hissy fit over The Affordable Care Act was a group of people who had lost trying to get their way through extortion. It cost the U.S. 24 billion dollars. Many people who needed those Government retirement checks; National Parks who could not let the public in; Veterans who waited for disability checks..all of them were hurt by a few people who pirated the country. They did not have a noble cause.

In other news...I have been very busy at work lately, some overtime included. Tonight was the last big race of this year, The West Virginia Breeders Classic, and we were mobbed. All of us ran all night. Reports out the ying-yang and a great deal of dodging the crowds. I finally figured out (With Managers friendly and pointed questions) why I get cranky on these nights. It's not being busy, that I can do and handle..it's the crowds. I get irked with large amounts of people going in every direction. I have never been a huge fan of crowds, even as a teen I would avoid parades because of the amount of people who would be there. It's overwhelming and I guess I fight back in self defense without even knowing I am doing it. The next time something like this happens I will know why and take a step aside for a few minutes to get back into prospective.

Tonight I also interviewed (my first time) for a full time Supervisor position. It was at times mentioned to me in the past if I was ready when things looked to be shaking up towards an opening, but they never actually went beyond that. Now there was a list of other possibles all being interviewed within a few days. So hopefully by Wednesday I will know the outcome. I still have reasons to be happy where I currently am, so if I do not receive the promotion It will be OK, I will not fall into sullen sadness. I know that I have been a Dual rate longer than the others, but it is always possible that someone else will fill the position better than I could.

There is only 7 days to go until I am on vacation with my buddy Mel. This has been a long time coming, and we both need time away from work. I think I can hang in there 7 days. I just hope that the Federal Jury Duty Summons I received has a quick outcome. If I get picked..fine..just be quick about it...Lol.

G'Night
K

You know who you are

To the woman who used to be an almost daughter to me...I read your blog, the last entry being Jan.2012.
I want you to know that I wish things had been different. I still think of you. We have a new person at work that reminds me of you. As soon as I saw her I thought "oh! If she had red hair she would be-----".
I am sorry that I could not have been what you needed me to be. There was so much drama happening it really messed with me, and I failed you.

But I want you to know..you were never a monster. That was my own confusion and anxiety getting in the way. I wanted to help you so much. I am glad that you found happiness. Since the last entry on your blog was dated Jan. 2012, I don't know what has happened to you since. I do wish you joy. I hope that you have continued with your education, and are still enjoying life.

Most of all, I apologize for not being able to help when you needed it. Those years I spent with you and your Dad, I was lost, hoping for a miracle. I know now that I could never have been what he needed, and I should have known that right from the start, but then I would never had met you.

In my mind I picture you happy and always moving forward. Peace and Love..that is what I hope you have found.

~K

Slow start

Slow start, I am outta gas this day. Really don't feel like tackling the chores that await me. My damn brain is constantly reminding me that I am not making progress. Argh!  Fall cleaning..it's needed but it requires energy and will power. If the weather would cooperate and make me feel like it's autumn then maybe my speed would accelerate. Enough of the 90 degree days already!

All those folks who love to wear shorts and flip flops year round must be having a hey day. If that was my style choice I would relocate further south and eastward towards the ocean. (though I have been pondering that idea) I'm waiting for the first truly cool day so I can take pictures in my mind of their wardrobe choices.
Hell, last winter at the casino you could find more than few folks still clinging to their summer gear. It just makes me shake my head and wonder.

Tomorrow's weather promises change. We need the rain and the temperatures are supposed to drop by 15 degrees. (Big: YAY!) It's been overly dry here and Gilligan is going to be hard put to find green grass to snack on when we visit the outdoors together.

Wishing everyone a pleasant Sunday.

~K

?

BOO!!!~!

heh heh

~K

Think for Yourselves!

If you know me, then you know that on one social network I post a great deal about injustice, whether it is about Animal rights, or the Rights of the People in my country, the US. Why do I post so much? Because I hope if nothing else it makes someone else think. To take a trip out of their insular little world and look at the view of the larger picture and what is going on while they are not paying attention.

Some might say that I am a Liberal, but I do not care to be labeled. What I am about is Right VS Wrong, and not one party over another. Being a Democrat or a Republican these days is a far cry from what it once meant. So many people place themselves in a box and just vote the way they grew up. Checking a box is not thinking. What do you really know about the person you just voted for? Lord knows that politicians will say just about anything to get re-elected. They play on your fears and needs, and rarely keep their promises.

So I challenge you. Take down the names of the people who are causing our government to come to a stand still ever since they took office. It has become a circus of 'Tit for Tat'. Finger pointing, corruption, and a huge waste of the tax payers money. Why should we continue to support people who have failed at their jobs for the last 4 or more years? If we performed in a like manner we would surely all have been fired long ago.

Their job is really quite simple. What is best for the American people, and not what is best for their own Political party. Recently they have passed a bill with a rider that will protect a huge corporation ( Monsanto) from farmers and citizens suing them. This is a company that's number one goal is to control the world food market, make the fruits of the earth their own by patenting the seeds and making farmers pay for it each year. They are in a sense holding the people of this country hostage, and forcing us to buy their products. They are also destroying the environment, killing off the bees with their pesticides, and feeding us food that has been doctored with genetic material and poisons. And our government seems O.K. with this. Why? Money and Power.

The Political machine that once held great promise and was a shining symbol for the rest of the world is gone.
The system is broken beyond repair, and continues to spiral down. The rich are feathering their nests while the other 98% of our citizens struggle to to support ourselves and our families. Female rights are being disassembled. The children who live in poverty have had the source of their meals removed. Small farmers are disappearing. And Corporations run our government behind the curtain.

How to fix this:  Dump every single non-productive politician out of office and never allow them back. Elect people who want to make a difference. Remove corporate lobbyists from Congress, the Executive branch and the Judicial Branch.  As long as working for the government is a means for people to get rich and gain control nothing will ever change.  I am calling for a revolution of Ethics and not bloodshed.

I hope that some of you remember this come time for Elections. We can create change simply by not bringing these people back. Our voice is our vote. Empower us to be heard. Together our voice would shake the foundations if we but demand it.

~K

Dare to Drive

This will be a short sarky rant about bad drivers. Having been the recipient of an accident that has totally messed with my life for the past year, I feel justified in making these remarks. Distracted, stupid, and unnecessarily in too big a hurry..these people drive without a care for any other drivers on the road.
Last night within a miles distance I saw 2 people blast through a red light in my town. I'd appreciate if local law enforcement stopped looking for past due registrations and spent a little more time parked near local intersections.

A week does not go by that I fail to see stupidity on our roads. Left turns against traffic with little room to spare, light runners, driving without headlights, tailgaters, and speeders. It's like they have no fear of reprisal.
Or any respect or care of hurting another human being.

If they are on their phones, texting, or showing off for their friends in the back seat...it makes no difference.
Other than yelling, flipping the bird, or laying on our horns...what can we do to make people more responsible?

I wonder...can you use a taser on cars? One that can travel the distance and stop their car in its tracks?
Wishes...so end-eth the rant.

K

Caretakers

I know I have talked about my live in companion before. His name is Gilligan. And odd name you say? Well for my generation who grew up with Gilligan's Island, perhaps it's not. He is my little buddy, as the Skipper would have said.

In cat years Gilligan is approximately the same age as I am, early 50's. He is steadily affectionate, though he has his moments of nipping. I am not sure what that means to a cat, but I think that he believes in some way that I am his feline mother. Since cats communicate so differently from us, posture, body language, the look in their eyes, the swish of a tail...you have to be able to read them.

Gilligan does not 'nip' out of meanness. It is his way of talking. Either it means "Back off, you've crossed the line" or it means some totally cat. He listens and obeys as well as any pup, though he would be insulted if I shared that with him. He plays fetch, sometimes with straws carried just like a dog would carry a stick. He misses me when I am away, and I get the full share of his happiness and disapproval that I was gone.

How anyone can dislike cats? It just means to me that they have not lived with one and cared for them. They love, they miss, they mourn, and they are happy as much as any person or dog would. They just express it differently than a human or a dog.

I have come to believe that all animals feel love, grieve and share  happiness. I have seen enough proof in watching elephants, otters, lions, birds...to believe that humans do not have the exclusive on feeling. It is arrogant to the extreme that we can believe that we are better than all the other animals on this planet because we have a bigger brain.

That does not mean that animals are less. What they feel is pure because there is not greater thought behind, or reasoning. It is simply feeling. And if they can love, grieve and remember, that means that they have just as much right to life and the right to live as we do.

Society as as whole, decided years ago that animals are simply property. That they have no feelings, no fear, no grief. That is a lie that must be corrected. We have no right to use them for experimental purposes. If we would not do it to a human, then we should not do it to them.

They are hunted as a prize or a trophy. You just killed someone's mother. Just because they can not stand up and scream "You killed my mother!" Does not mean that they do not feel their loss, or anger at their death.
It is horribly egotistical of humans to place ourselves above another species because we can walk on two leg, converse and destroy with impunity.

We are failing to follow God's purpose on this planet, mostly out of greed and the need to place ourselves as the most powerful species on the earth. We are no more worthy of God's love then the other creatures who share this world with us. Otherwise..why would God have tasked Noah to take 2 of each animal aboard the ark? He wanted to preserve them as well.

It is only man who decided that we were better than,. It is only man who hunts for sport . It is only man who places himself at the top of the food chain. Animals don't care about power over another species..only man does.

We, who have the greatest responsibility to preserve all of God's creatures, have failed in so many ways.
It was entrusted to us to preserve and protect. Instead it is abuse and slavery that we have succeeded in.
This has to change, or we have failed as the protectors of God's children. Why? Because we are NOT his only children.

If they could speak for themselves they would,. It is up to us, the caretakers, to preserve their right to live, and respect them as fellow children of God.
Believe and love. Believe and share. Believe and protect.

K

Signs of my times-Fluff heads

I have always enjoyed my own company, and I believe the ability to be happy alone has a lot to do with how I grew up. I was the oldest, the only girl, and we moved a great deal in my growing years. Maybe not as much as some military brats might have, but it was an average of every two years from the time I was about 8.

I got used to making friends, and yes, as a preteen and teenager there were rocky years and some tears leaving those friends behind. A few I stayed in contact with for a while, pen pals and summer time visits. But generally speaking I got used to starting over, and lost the fear of time spent alone. At 13, of course, it was all angst, "woe is me" and sad poetry. But by the time I was 16 and we made our last move to California I was a great deal stronger than an average 16 year old would be entering her senior year at High School. I was an independent thinker and I liked that about myself.

Did I need someone making me feel bad for working to earn money for college? Umm, no. So when friends (said with a raised eyebrow) made remarks about me never being able to drop everything and go with them it was pretty much " Sorry, I'm working." And inside I was thinking "what friend makes you feel bad for something you have to do?" Yeah, I analyzed how I was treated.

It's not to say that I did not make my fair share of mistakes, but the friendships that did blossom lasted a long time, some are still with me. The thing was I was not dependent on someone else to make my day. (relationships..that's a whole other can of icky worms and Not included in this subject.) So many people I meet these days are constantly connected to someone else. I wonder if they know how to disconnect? How can they get through a day without telling somebody something trivial, sharing every emotion and living like lemmings/leaches dependent on others?

I feel like yelling sometimes.."Disconnect and find yourself!!" "You are melting into the mass hypnosis glop of too much technology!" "Read a DAMN book and learn something important!" Fluff filled heads. There is nothing fascinating about who did what, who they talked to, what they wore, what celebrity wore a bad bathing suit to the beach, and who has cellulite. It sickens me that a large part of kids these days think that stuff is news.

It's getting harder to find real news online when much is celebrity bullshit, tid bits on who is buying or wearing what, etc. When I find an article on an underwater discovery or some other science fact I latch on like it was gold. Even what they are passing as news is really just another way to make your feel that you want something, or need to have it...or YOU are missing out.

Because we have accepted the fluff without protest it has taken over our lives. The Media feeds us the  political agenda of whichever corporation controls that channel. Very few ever delve into finding the real truth and are satisfied with someone else's false take on the news. Anything that is truly newsworthy but fails to fit the agenda is Not covered.

So to those who are just starting out in their adult lives..please take time off everyday to THINK. Turn off the fluff and ask questions. Read a book. Venture into a subject that has worth and learn more.
We are becoming a mass of technology controlled sheep. If anyone does question with facts lined up they are dissed as a conspiracy theorist or just a nut.. Not everyone who searches for the truth is crazy.

If you find yourself after unplugging and thinking, your will appreciate real friendships and good conversation, and real issues a great deal more than f-l-u-f-f. A whole new you, independent of the plug . Someone who might have something truly important to share with the world.

G'nite, K

A new world

Trees as far as the eyes can see.  A night sky not yet obscured  by city lights; stars that you feel that you can reach out and touch.  Water flowing in streams and falls; lakes yet unpolluted by industrialization.  Wild life abundant and untouched. These were the Americas that the age of modern man had not touched.

What would it feel like to be in a world not yet changed because of man? To soak in the beauty and breathe in the wonder? To take the first steps into a virgin forest, and be a part of that land?  Joy. Pure and simple joy. To feel part of what God made, and live a life that did not change what was already there.

The excitement of discovery. To walk where no man had walked before. To stay and be a part of that dream. The smell of clean earth, the taste of fresh herbs, the glory of being new.

200 years. Just 2oo years that  wiped away the fresh newness. That welcomed industrialization, that polluted what was new and untouched. The people native to this land respected the gift that was given. The people that conquered and dominated had no respect, just forward moving to what they considered progress.

How many, I wonder, wish they could turn back the years and see that virgin forest? Could see a sky not polluted by automobiles and industry? Could learn to live in peace with nature and rejoice in the beauty that surrounds them?

If Icould turn back time, it would be to that place. Not to a person, not to a moment, but to then...the beginning. And strive with all my heart to leave it untouched.

k

The Waiting Game

Normally I am a fairly patient person.(in most respects)  But I must admit that the waiting this time for answers is manifesting as stress, and stress, ( lovely silent migraine maker) likes to play games with your mind and your body. This I know from ignoring stress levels at other times in my life. One year belly, next year headaches, then heart palpitations, etc. This year it has decided to give be jaw aches, which is funny because if you know me you know I cannot grind my teeth.

I thought it might be a bad tooth but the soreness is further back on my jaw line and it is also sore to the touch. So I of course mulled it over in my head for a few days until I realized that it was once again stress.
Really, I have to find an outlet since I seem to be predisposed to stress materializing in it's various forms.

The cause of all this bullshit? Waiting for State Farm to make a decision regarding to pay or not pay for my most recent money sucking medical bills. The injury became obvious after the accident and my quick trip to the ER last August. It did not jump out and say "Ow!" the night the accident occurred, but instead over the months following it grew to be noticeable. Namely compressed nerves in my neck, but also disc bulging in my back. The MRI showed normal aging signs as well, and I do not expect them to pay for that. However the compressed nerves in my neck? Yes because they won't ever go away according to my neurologist. He freaked me out saying that forced movement of my cervical spine or surgery could actually cause paralysis.
So yeah..I'm playing the waiting game.

It's a damn good thing I don't bite my nails because I would have none left. I just want an answer.

Not grinding my teeth...grrr..
K  

9-23-2013
PS: The jaw ache was the harbinger of the flu. It knocked me out for almost a week. Still rubbish from State Farm. One claim (mine) stating they are waiting for the doctor's note that clearly states the compressed nerves and bulging discs are from the accident, The other (claimant) sharing that they will only pay the medical bills. I see an attorney tomorrow.

Dreams of vacations

**This is for you Mel**

   I can still hear the gulls and other seabirds chattering and cawing by the shore. I can still feel the warm silk of sand between my toes as it slides with each step taken. I can still smell that 'beach' smell of salt mixed with seaweed and suntan lotion. I can still feel the breeze play with my hair as I turn over to get deeper into the book I am reading. I can still feel the pull of the ocean as I step into the waves and the sands pulls back out to sea creating a hole where I stand with the water receding. Sigh...

   It's hard when you hear others talk about going on their vacations or talking about them when they return with a glowing face from the sunshine. I miss those years when vacations were easier to afford and not so very rare. I try not to be jealous since it is such a negative emotion and gets you no where really. But I certainly can and do dream about having one again someday. The lack of money does not kill dreams, it just makes them more precious.

  I do have hope for the future. Despite the odds that face me financially I have not given up.  Who cares if it is considered unrealistic?? My mind is a garden path that wanders where it might and does not care if there is a 'real possibility.' The ground is packed and firm from my frequent steps wandering around the grounds. I pass the flowers and enter the trees searching for a new direction to dream.

That is my foray into dreamland, and I know the way quite well.


K

Hot Weekend

(wondering how many search engines will hit this because of the word "hot? Over sexed people are just so sad. :-( .)

No really, a very hot and steamy weekend for me. The next 3 days are supposed to climb into the 90's, and we have been in the jungle humidity for a while now. Somehow I feel like this is a reverse repeat of the winter months, tucked into the apartment because it's either way too cold, or way too hot to be outside.
 I have to wonder how our grandparents did this without air conditioning, and I melt at the thought.

In other mundane and trifling news, I am patiently waiting for my few tomatoes to start turning red. The plant was designed to be for a container, so it is small and not the monster of previous years. Waiting is not something I excel at, so I might just hit up the local vegetable stand to see if they have any ripe tomatoes for me to salivate over.

I shall have to step forth into the steam bath to get my laundry done...UGH. I swear the next place I settle myself will have a washer and a dryer in the house. No cool basement here..just lugging the basket through purgatory.

The Gilly is stretched out on my side of the bed taking nap number 3. I swear sometimes he pesters me to get up just to get my spot. Happy cat because I am off today, but still a lonely boy during the work week. I keep telling him it won't be forever, but not sure if he believes me anymore. He is a wonderful furry room mate and friend, just wish he knew how to set up the coffee, lol.

That's all for now. Shake ups at work have little to do with me. They are trimming costs, halting hiring, and not filling positions in my department. The salaried supervisor position is only open for Grave shift, and I found out that shift was not conducive to a happy me when I worked it last year. I liked the people but hated the lifestyle it forced me into. I've been waiting a while for the magic move, but it looks like I will be waiting longer. No biggie, over time is not paid to salaried employees, it can be a real drag for them when they have to work on their days off.

Doc appointment tomorrow, hopefully last one so I can forward all this paperwork into the insurance company and wait for their answer.

Have a hot one...lol
K

Back to Normal

Well, maybe back to as normal as my life gets anyway. Between work and class this woman has been running ragged for several months. My hours at work had been cut to save the company a few bucks, so I picked up overtime when I could. Not only were there less hours, but there were also unfortunately timed reasons for pay being sucked out of my checks, which made for some hair pulling moments when I saw just how much had been taken from my check.

Every year at this time we have to "P-A-Y" for the privilege of working at the casino. Yes, you read that right, we have to pay for a  lottery license out of our checks so we can work there,. (there is also a a $20 racing licence once a year.) The license costs $100,(which is equivalent to 2+ days of work before taxes.).  I've never worked anywhere where the employees are responsible for paying for their own licensing. I could see it it we were independently employed,  but we are not, we work for a very large and wealthy corporation.

The next check sucker was a loan I was forced to take on my 401K to pay for last Septembers medical bill to the local hospital. I had no other choice, and preferred to not have my pay garnished again. It is way to hard to keep my chin above the rising tide of bills when something comes along that won't take your tiny payments without taking you to court. At least I am in a sense paying myself back with the money.

And finally, I have reached the required payback to the State of West Virginia after almost 2 years of garnishment. Will they stop sucking the money out of my check now? Despite phone calls I kind of expect them to say "whoops! We are not sending that fax to stop, lets take some more!"  Funny...I just registered my car yesterday for 2014. In order to do that here you have to bring proof that you have paid your Personal Property taxes. When I arrived home, there in my mailbox was a questionnaire from the tax assessors office asking me if I had anything else that I SHOULD be paying on. I have to tell you what my take is on West Virginia tax departments ..."little Ebenizer Scrooges scrunching their numbers and picking up voo-doo dolls and searching their pockets for change." I have never felt as hunted as I do in this state. They tax us to the limit on food, gasoline and cigarettes, then Personal property taxes (which I have to pay for Jefferson county, and again for living in Charles Town) and then State taxes.  Oh..if by some strange stroke of luck you get a Federal refund, they want that too.

And lastly, good new,  I get my Tuesdays back since my class in Aspiring Leaders is over, graduation was held today. It was nice getting to know a few of the folks in other departments that shared the class with me. We painfully graduated with a 1-2 minute  presentation a piece as the entertainment. I did ok, I know I could have done better, but my entire weekend was spent racing around the clock to run the casino and handle the huge 'Price is Right' show that was held Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Everybody in Security had mandatory over time. So I am running pretty dang tired for having no real down time for at least 4 weeks. I'm looking forward to my life returning to as normal as it gets.

I know I am jumping from subject to subject, must be that I am running on fragmented thoughts today, way over tired. Yesterday (yes, I was off..but was I really?) I spent the morning having needles stuck into my body with electrical shocks at the Neurologists office. Officially I have some (normal for my age) degenerative  disc disease in my back. I also have 3 bulging discs likely related to the August 2012 car accident, and compressed nerves in my right arm and left leg. When they say that getting older is not for sissy's they really meant it. After the session of med-evil torture I went for torture of a different sort at the local DMV, followed by an afternoon of trying to catch up on laundry. I was so tired I knocked 3 glasses and a coffee mug into the sink while unloading the dish washer. Dang..I did not have enough ummph to even curse properly at that.

So according to the doctor my future appointments will be with a Physical Therapist and a Pain Management clinic. This is depending on the cost, unless the stupid Claims Adjuster at State Farm ever gets the answers they want for a settlement. If they do then the appointments will be kept without a problem.

 As I hauled the clothes back and forth to the laundry room yesterday I kept thinking that it was so beautiful; warm not hot, soft breezes...I could not stop myself from thinking what a perfect beach day it would have been... Warm sand, the sound of the sea, a good book, and bone melting relaxation. I miss that...vacations...well, what they used to be in my long ago past.

Thus ends the novel for today. I hope that everyone is doing well and feeling happy,
K

Born into the wrong time

Longing..sometimes almost a  sense of loss..these are things that I feel when I watch a movie that
bursts with life from the earlier part of the last century. The succulent and sinful roaring 20's, the stunningly striking 30's, and the music and vibrancy that filled you with life 40's. I feel like I have missed something that used to be mine.

Reincarnation? Possibly, who really knows. I just know that there are many times that I feel like I do not belong to this time and place. I have no idea if I am part of many, or exclusively alone in my dilemma. I love the music, the clothes, the spirit of those times. So yes, I do wonder if the person I was before left those years behind so that I could step into their shoes and begin again.  I long for times that will never come again.

As far as I can surmise, there is No perfect time to be alive, all those years that came before came with their own sets of sorrows and tribulation. But why this longing? Why do I feel so many times that I don't belong here today? Maybe it is the loss of something that is important to me and is disappearing in today's world....

I cannot put a finger on it...lack of respect for each other....lack of expected manners...lack of innocent joy....pleasure with the simple things that life can bring...the soft romantic side of life...or is it distrust of today? Today I feel that that our way of life is drawn and enforced by the powerful that have their own vision, and it is Not Us surviving..it's them. I feel like a helpless pawn at times, marching towards whatever
vision someone else has determined for me and those like me.

So maybe it's natural to want to be in some other time, some place that remains untouched by the power brokers of today's world. To be someplace innocent...to be someone unaffected by the world of today.
So now I submit that if I had a time machine, it would not take me to a place I have been in this life time, but to another life time that calls to me.

what is fair?

I've fallen behind in my blogging. I feel that this is due to me 'griping' about the same old things, and even I get tired of writing about that. It's been a weird past two weeks with the Notorious Murphy stopping by to stir things up again. All I want is resolution, and the ability to be comfortable financially. If we were ever paid a Fair Wage in our lifetime it would be a very good thing. And while we are busy being fair, how about a "fair Tax?"

My late Uncle Jack was very passionate about the "Fair Tax" concept. Essentially no more regular income tax. If you purchase luxury items the sales tax would be higher, taking the place of the blood letting from our salaries. I am sure Big Business would be the first to veto this idea. Cars, computers, houses, electronics, vacations, etc....would cost more. But, here is the thing:: if you take home more money you could afford to buy the items that were being taxed at a higher rate.  On the other hand if you did not need those things you could bring home more money to feed your family, pay your rent, see doctors when you need to.

It feels to me like a dream, nice, but you know how hard the Republicans and Big Business will fight against it. Likely calling those who want the fair wage and fair tax socialists (gasp!). And Lord knows just how afraid most of the stupid people in this country are about socialism..I think it sits right beside 'Sexually transmitted diseases, and Sasquatch on their shelf of ignorance.

I have not given up hope. I believe that some people are waking up. There is a huge leap in activism on the internet these days. Monsanto is being battled across the world, and just a few years ago they seemed untouchable, free to poison and steal farmer's lands in outrageously unfair court battles. Animal rights activists are making a difference as well. I hope someday that enlightenment will spread like wildfire across the world.
After all, they are the few, and we are the many. They do not own the world...but they will take it if we don't stand up and speak against it. "Certain unalienable human rights...the right to pursue happiness," they meant something important at our start. Maybe someday they can shine again.

g'nite
K

Don'tcha just wish

Don'tcha just wish you could return the favor to spammers?
Flood their in box with loud screaming "HEY YOU!" subject lines?
I really have no idea why they continue considering most of us
have filters on our email accounts.

I dislike commercials on TV, and I doubly dislike them in my mail.

In my opinion it takes a special kind of asshole to be a spammer.

Nuff said,
K

The case of the Exploding hair!

For the last 9 months (or longer) I have foregone cutting my hair. Yes, it has grown quite long, a lot of that due to not having the cash for a cut, and some due to my own need for a different look.  Today was the straw that tipped the scale over to "Cut if Off!"

Humidity is not my friend, at least not with my current hair length, which is to my shoulder blades. Yes, it does have a certain amount of natural curl. I use extra conditioner, and 2 hair products which are basically oils to keep it tame. I can remember my youth and almost waist length perfectly straight hair. Unfortunately my hair is predominantly gray, never mind that the gray has been colored for age coverage. My gray hair? Totally has a mind of it's own. Cork screw curls or completely frizzy depends on the weather entirely.

Now that Summer is approaching the humidity has returned and with it....Hair Explosion!

I stopped on this seriously busy night and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror...YEA GADS!
My hair was everywhere, like it's own exploration team, trying to cover all the bases everywhere.
Poodle poof has nothing on me,.It was very humid, and with a jacket and a long sleeved blouse I felt like I had taken a shower mid shift and had forgotten to dry off afterwards. There was no taming it, one head band and two big barrettes could not hold it down. I worked damage control all night to no avail.

So naturally I am considering returning to a manageable length, one where it does not "poof", with the weather. I had hoped to be able to have length enough to pull it up for the hotter months. Now I do not feel that it is a viable option. Since we do Not run around with mirrors while working, I can only imagine what our guests were thinking when they saw my unruly mop. ( oh poor girl! She looks like Glenda the good witch.)

Yes, it is nice to have a change of hair styles, it keeps us fresh and not bored with our looks. But sometimes those changes do not work in our favor. My curiosity has been appeased, I surrender to the blade that can stop the hair explosion. I shall be calling my angel with scissors on Monday to tackle the jungle that my hair has become.

For your own safety, please stay far away from my hair...it might grab and suck you in....

K

Derby Madness

A wickedly busy day, and record crowds all blurred together now at the end of my evening. We have several racing days during our year that push the capacity of our Off Track Wagering and actual track area. When 350 people are leaving all at once into the casino? Yes, a challenge. But as usual Swing kicked butt, even running with less than normal staffing.

Every race day of the Triple Crown books our track side fine dining for 1000 for dinner, with overflow into the Ballroom,  reservations are a must. I saw a few cute hats today and made sure I told the guest that is was very nice. It's a shame more do not get into the spirit of things. Maybe next year we should have a contest for the best hats?

I'm proud to be part of our team because we really do rock. Quite often our busiest days are when we really shine and feel like family.

G'nite
K

Dirty Fingers

Yup! Got my fingers in the dang dirt..and loved it!  Garden therapy suits me to a "T."  Oh...I get a goofy ass smile just thinking about a pleasantly warm day and a plot laid out before me. Wishes..they are good things...they keep hope alive in your heart.

Apartment living means planters and pots, and no real nurturing of the soil, but it helps me a bit with my addiction. Last year the theme was purples and pinks (and that was mainly because they were all they truly had for sale.) This year I am scrounging for some true reds..and damn..pink flowers are everywhere..again!
Cream, purple and red..ahhh..you see the genius of my colors..red-white-and blue. I may have to look further afield for the reds though.  I had two very healthy ferns hanging last summer, they were a lot of work, and could not be transitioned into the house, they shed too much. Right now I have my biggest pot (was a tomato pot last year) and the hanging hooks to fill. Slow going because I cannot afford to buy everything all at once.

It has been on the rainy and cool side but I know that summer is coming. Gilly has enjoyed coming outside with me again and sort of expects it now. I have to remind him that he is not going out every time I open the door. There is a limit to how much grass nibbling one cat can do before he barfs. Of course, if he feels it coming he races for the inside and the carpet, and not the yard.

Schedule changed, I have different days off. I have been working every weekend for almost 4 years now, not counting vacation/sick time. This is truly no different from any other job I have ever had, I always worked weekends, sometimes every other. It will be nice to have one day to go to the public events I always missed due to work. Craft fairs, Farmers Markets, Flea Markets...etc. With my job there is no telling when my schedule might switch again, but I hope to have this for at least a little while.

Have a good week and go play in the dirt!
k

On the grumpy cat side

Have you ever heard or saw a cobra rap? It's hissing done to a beat, lol. (picture me making wild and not so technically correct dance movements while hissing.) Our call sign is a 'C' on our shift. We have been Cobra with our own individual numbers for a while, and the officer in question has a last name of Rapp. (cobra rapp-get it?) Well, it was my one and only true funny of the day, at least 3 of us laughed. Another ass kicking Saturday night with the West Virginia Class race pulling in the crowds.

It might have been better if there had been more of us...but that was not the case. Most of the shift was spent dealing with people who fall down and the too intoxicated patrons--sometimes one and the same, but not always. I admit to being a grumpy cat by the end of the shift..not liking people so much. I just get very tired of the disrespectful, the self entitled, and the rude that arrives with crowds of this size.(and of this day) And getting around in the masses? It's like putting a couple of thousand Florida grandmothers behind a wheel and set them to driving with no clearly marked lanes of travel. As you step into a room they come at you from every direction, not seeing over the wheel,eyes barely visible, and never braking to allow for other traffic.  Did I mention that their hearing was also not so good? Yeah, that too.

I swear I say "Excuse me please" hundreds of times on a typical Saturday night. And know what? I never hear any of the guests use the same phrase. And That is what bothers me more than any other part of my job....being thought of and treated as though I was invisible. Oh, they can see you for sure when you have to stop them for an unpleasant reason, but that is about it. If they need something they will find you among the thousands.(If I was not racing to be somewhere I am usually happy to help.)  I won't go further in describing the attitudes upon confrontations due to policy. You can be as polite and empathetic as you can attempt to be, but there is no guarantee that it will bring you positive results.

So yeah, I am getting burned out on dealing with the general public. Unfortunately I don't believe that there is job for me now or in my future that will get me away from them. It really is too bad that I am not accomplished enough to become a writer of fiction. It would be so cool to work at home with just Gilly for company.

G'nite
k

The latest

Good weekend approaching, really looking forward to it.  Long awaited visit with Mel. Not saying we will paint the town red, but we will leave a mark on it.

For the troll who watches this blog:  whenever I see your name come up in a mutual friends post...I spend the day cursing your continued existence. For in my mind you no longer exist. I hate to be reminded that you are still on this plain.

Saying Good bye to a dear friend and Manager tomorrow night. It will not be the same without him.

k

Leaving like a Lion

An old expression," March enters like a Lion and leaves like a Lamb." Somehow it has gone topsy-turvy this year. We had 3-4 snows this March, which technically made it February, and now the wind has been howling for the last several days as we approach April. ( so April must be March this year...wait..a minute..a month disappeared some place.)

In my past when I lived in So.California I desperately missed seeing winter turn into spring, and summer give over to fall. Out there it was either fire season or mud slide season, with a few earthquakes tossed in to keep it interesting. There was nothing so depressing as 85 degree weather on Christmas day, well, for me that is, it just did not feel right.

I think Mother Nature is having hormonal mood swings this year and is feeling all discombobulated. As for me? I am itching to dig in the dirt and plant flowers or veggies, which is typical for me. I have been known to jump the gun and plant too soon, which leaves me fretting and cussing myself out. Patience? A virtue that either really works for me or completely fails, nothing in between.

My eyes are open wide and searching for that bright green of spring. The robin's have made their appearance, taunting Gilligan from the safety of the front yard. They must be wondering where the worms are themselves seeing that the ground is not ready to spring forth grass or worms.

I'm waiting for the Lamb to bring gentler and warmer breezes. It is going to be a chilly Easter here.

Oh....and I left a sign out telling the bunny to hop on by. As usual, like most every holiday of the year, I am working. The bunny may not be safe if he stops here without me home. I will also be missing my favorite religious holiday as Easter Sunday has always filled my heart with joy. With Easter falling on April fool's day this year, it's no wonder our weather is nuts...best April Fool's joke ever... Spring?!? Nope...more Winter.
Grrrr.

hugs,
k

PS: OOPSY!  I stand corrected by the editor. She reminded me that Easter falls on the 31st of March and not April 1..damn! I say..close enough..lol.

I Need a break!

Well, I do, but it's unlikely that I will get one. I'm not asking for much, just some time away from work. It seems like forever since I had a real vacation. It's been 11 months since I got a chance to step away and gather some needed rest. September SHOULD have been a vacation, but lets face it, being seriously ill and recovering slowly does not really count. There are no Club Samonella vacations listed anywhere...or I at least pray that there are not. And Hellfire!.. I am still paying for that luxurious hospital visit.

The pressure seems to have been growing full speed ahead since after Christmas. Work used to be something that I looked forward to and enjoyed. That all changed with a change in management. I don't think there is one person on our shift who feels differently, because I have heard most of them and can commiserate on my own. I tried and still do try to keep the positive energy flowing, but it seems as though we are being buried in negative energy from the top on down. I hate losing good people who probably would have stayed.

So yes, I long for a quiet beach, the sound of waves breaking against the shore, sunshine soaking in...and rejuvenation. Realistically, on my budget, none of that is possible, but it is a nice dream. I can always hope, and always will.

k

I Confess

Everybody who knows me well is aware that I avoid and do not subscribe to television in it's multitude of
crappy reality shows and false news reports. I made that choice long ago and do not regret not being plugged into the mainstream as so many are these days. Personally I believe we would be better off not parking our butts in front of the tube and digesting some of the most unappealing parts of the 21st century.

But...I do confess to occasional forays into some very good shows. Still no cable attached to my TV  it is mainly there for movies. However I have dived into "Game of Thrones" and I am waiting for the next season. More recently it's been "True Blood" that has become my drug of choice. And I am a glutton...lol..I had 5 seasons to fill my quiet nights compared to Thrones which only had a few. I watch them for free online and have become very involved in the stories being told.

Long ago I did the same thing with "The Sopranos" so this is nothing new, but I am almost over dosing on watching one show after another with "True Blood." It's funny in that I never actually read any of Charlene Harris's Sookie Stackhouse series. I do read quite a bit of paranormal fiction, it's another drug of choice. I know I must have picked them up once in awhile but I never brought one home.Even though I have watched nearly 4 seasons in the past several weeks it's quite likely that I will now start reading the book series. Why? Because even as good as these two shows have been a book tells a better story, a great deal more detail that cannot be conveyed completely on film, it's just not possible.

So my confession is that I am a closet TV show watcher in a sense. But I swear, crossing my heart and my eyes, that I will never watch some of the most ridiculous junk to travel by broadband...bratty children dressed up like Diva's, Men who eat too much food and are heading for a cardiac arrest, Bill O'Reilly and  F**ked up Fox news...etc. I appreciate the mind that God gave me, and that means I don't feed it trash.

k

PS: kudos go to HBO..both of these shows originated there.

Today was...

Today was "Get Your Butt Kicked Day". Betcha' did not know that huh? Well it was, and I did.
Hope everyone else survived their Butt Kicking too.

k

The Lonelies

 I sort of have a small case of the blues this weekend. Perhaps it is the Winter doldrums, as each week that slides by feels the same to me. It is definitely NOT the blues over V-Day ( Yes, I interpret it as Venereal Disease day..wondering how many people get hurt over others physical interpretation of Love?) I have decided that it most assuredly my duty to myself to find something to fill my time besides work.

There are many opportunities that I fail at finding interesting, further servitude, though a wonderful idea, does not really fill my need to do something fun that brings sparks of ideas and energy back into my life. There are many that would find it fulfilling, but I am afraid I would carry someone else's pain home with me, having a sad tendency to empathize very strongly. I would doubt myself in the ability to really make a change for them, and get angry with a system that just keeps failing on it's citizens. Being angry or outraged, again, not my idea of joy. Yep, I do ponder these things at great length.

I'd love to work with animals, but unless someone wills me land and a farm I could not bring them all home with me as I would want to do. Animal abuse, seen firsthand, would cause me to commit violence on some ignorant evil person and likely cause me to spend time in jail.

Gardening is months away. I wish I had known about being here another year, I would have planted bulbs to welcome the spring. Perhaps I will find some other creative outlet? Painting? (loud annoying buzzer sounds!) Sewing? (another buzzer and me saying to myself "are you kidding me??") Another sad wreath for the door?
Sigh...

Cooking is out, I am fat enough. That leaves..walking. Walking on my days off used to invigorate me. Marching around the neighborhood with ear buds and avoiding loose dogs and bad drivers? Ok..I will give it a try. It's better than more callouses on my ass and damn Blah's.

If anyone has a suggestion..I am all ears...
literally..I could fly with these...
k

Driving Me Crazy(er)

If you go back a bit in my blogs you can find a few that were written about my car accident in August of this year. I believed myself to be fortunate that I was able to walk away from it, and deeply sad and angry that a car that would have been paid off this month with very low mileage was totaled, due to someone else's inattention at the wheel. She was on her phone and ran a red light. I was completely not at fault for the loss.

Our insurance company (we both had the same carrier) paid for the loss of my car, but it is going to still cost me $250 a month for the next 4 1/2 years that I would not have been paying. I was really counting on being able to have some breathing room, and now..so not going to happen. I went to the emergency room following the accident with neck pain and pain in my arms. I chalked it up to whiplash and thought nothing more about it.  When I drove my new vehicle home for the first time both my arms went numb on me, again I thought temporary issue. However now, whenever I drive for longer than 30 minutes I get pain in my left arm that cannot be shaken away. I also have some sort of problem with my left thumb, it's been swollen for months.

Sounds like I should see a doctor right? Well this chick has medical bills up the tail due to another sad circumstance in September following the accident, namely Salmonella, which had me hospitalized for 4 days, and sick for a total of 10 days. My health insurance? Please, don't make me go there. I really miss the medical coverage from my past, because today's seem to pay for very little. And so..I owe...again.

Well back to the auto accident. There is something called "Pain and Suffering" which keeps ambulance chasing attorneys flush with cash. I will not retain an attorney, no can do. In order to receive said payment from the auto carrier they required me to see another doctor. With the hospitalization so closely following the accident, and me having to see my own doctor at $40 a visit for follow up, I was fed up with doctors and medical bills, so I cancelled my appointment with the Neurologist, rescheduled, and then they cancelled on me.

I am at a loss as to what I should ask for. If after jumping through the doctor hoop will the insurance carrier just send me the time missed from work? If that happens I will flip my lid and have a crazy woman fit, because here will come another doctor's bill on my already burdened budget.

I know what I should do..but I also know that bills will follow. The auto carrier, of course, has not given any hint to what they would be offering, or what pay off I should ask for. Since we both have the same carrier I cannot ask my adjuster what would be fair..(I've been given some wild advice by people I work with, most I would not feel comfortable asking for.) I feel that whatever I might ask would be shared with the other claims adjuster.  If I do as they are asking and get bad news you can bet I will be shopping for another insurance company and a strait jacket. Oh, and maybe some Valium to keep my lid on top of my head.

k
PS: I really miss having a thumb that does not hurt,.

Piece of my mind

To the best of my ability I pay my bills on time. (note-yes, I am still in debt for past mistakes)
I frequently check my account to make sure that bills have gone though, or in today's case..not.
I knew I had made a car payment, nothing was showing up though, so I tried to find on the Chase web site where it noted my payment. After a frustratingly foray into their links I surrendered and made the 800 call.

I hate automatic telephone systems. Especially since the key pad on my wonderful phone won't stay lit long enough for me to punch a number in. There was a great deal of cursing being done on my end. (It's a good thing that Gilly is tolerant and my swearing does not disturb his naps.) I finally reached someone 'live' and asked my questions..no the payment did not go through. Well, dummy me thanked her and hung up to make another attempt at a payment.

Whoops! Their web site had none of the information I had previously shared with them when I started my account. It treated me like I was a brand new customer. (insert more swearing HERE) Again I called the 800 # and went through my above mentioned routine..Again. Finally reaching someone with a pulse I went through a cycle of increased security questions. (ie: when you were 3 you were stung by a wasp ---where!!!?) Just kidding..but the questions were a little spooky. They know more about us then we realize.

Transferred to Billing I spoke with a nice lady named Kathy. Really, the rep's with a pulse were very nice to speak with. I explained why I was calling again and the fact that the web site did not remember me. And OH! It seems that Chase had a dumping in early January while updating the site. It cleared out our account information. How nice to be advised AFTER I had failed to get a payment through. My tardiness was excused, and I am sure that there were thousands of others that had similar problems.

Kathy asked me if I wanted to set up scheduled payments, and I declined. Why? I told her " Because we live in a "I don't know what will happen tomorrow world." She laughed and understood.

We really do live in that world, all laughter aside at my misadventures in online bill paying. Since just about everyone I know lives month to month, pay check to pay check, I am far from being alone in this respect. Disaster seems to always be a possibility, there is no real piece of mind, no financial stability for those that
are forced to live this way due to the world we now live in. The only folks who do not have to worry about money are those that have a whole lot of it...that 1%. (actors, politicians, CEO's of powerful and inhumane corporations..billionaires..you catch my drift) Sometimes I wonder if we are the crowds that press our noses to the windows and breath hungry steam while watching the patrons inside eat food that glows like the Holy Grail. Easy for them, and a world away for us. Shades of "Oliver Twist." "Please Sir, may I have some more?"

I know I have ranted on this subject before, but I beg that you understand it is in my very nature to champion the underdog. Even when the underdog is the  99%  who have not. I despise people who think that they are better than the rest of us because of what they Have, or Who they are.

Well, onto the next rant,
k

A little too much

 Sometimes life seems to bring too much bad news all at once. Other than to pull my head back into my shell and pretend to ignore, the only choice is to deal with it. In this past month two of my friends have been diagnosed with pretty scary things, cancer and an aortic aneurysm.  Wishes and prayers are all we are able to share with them. We cannot 'fix' what has happened, only hold onto to hope that God will lend them strength to fight the battles that lie ahead, and they will defeat their physical enemies.

I hope that God is listening to all the prayers that are being said for Teda and Ken. I spend most of my life/time at work these days. That makes the people I work with my extended family. I don't go home to another family since I live alone. Wishing Ken well as he set off to fight his battle was like saying good bye to my Dad and not knowing when I would see him again. I don't want to say good bye to either one of them.
There is a hole left in my life without their presence.

I have had a dream disappear of my own, but it seems trivial in the extreme compared to my two friends diagnosis. It's funny where we place our own importance in the grand scheme of things. It was something that I had set my sights on as a way to increase my and another's happiness quota., a small step towards a better life. I am disappointed but I suppose I will have to find another way to do that happiness thing.

What would make me very happy right now? Hearing good news about my two friends.

G'nite
k

Those Who touch our lives

Those who touch our lives and leave dusty footprints upon our hearts.

More bad news, and nothing that I can fight to change. Someone else close to me is fighting
cancer. Once again that ugly disease invades.  I reckon that  the person who has been diagnosed
to be one that I know to be feisty and tough. I trust that his fighting spirit will not "go softly into that good night."

The best and the brightest, the ones that truly do make a difference...why does God call them home this way? I confess to never being able to understand why. But I do profess to be willing to be a support to this person who has a battle before them. This is someone who treats each day as a challenge to conquer. Someone who always shares his " don't give up or give in!" spirit with everyone he touches.

I will be there for you if you need me. Do not give up. Fight!! and I will grit my teeth and fight beside you.
My shoulder can bear the weight of hugs if you need them. I will push as much as you will allow to inspire you to win. And add my prayers to all those that will be shared with God, for he can be the source of your strength, and the Love that will shelter you.

k

One Too Many Hugs,,,

You know? I live a fairly quiet life.  I work, then come home and work some more, and get in some relaxing time whenever possible. I don't date. I do not go out to bars. I drive maybe 6 miles over the speed limit (generally, lol.) I try to pay my bills on time. I rarely buy anything for myself. And I say grace before I eat, to make sure that God knows how grateful I am for the life I have.

So why is it, when I do reach out and hug some one, that I pick the one person who can share a cold??

Damn It.

k

Swing..into First Place

The only way to describe this past weekend and the holiday season at my work is to compare it to a race. On the starting line...Christmas Eve...First lap completed, Christmas day..and the weekend up to and including New Years Eve? Flying down the home stretch and crossing the finish line while the crowds roared.

Climbing out of the car on wobbly legs..sweaty and triumphant...Swing shift officers and management. Waving to the crowds and hobbling off the track we congratulate ourselves for surviving another holiday season.

It's a demanding job, there is no getting around it. Yes, we do have fun facing the challenges each and every day. Making a day fun despite the stress and fast forward pace is what makes us a fantastic team. Everyone appreciates the efforts that others on the team make. Because it was New Years eve and we effectively handled the largest crowds I have ever seen there, hugs were exchanged, and even a few cheeks were kissed.

There are days when we really feel like a family and this was one of them. No griping or whining, everyone of us kicked butt and helped each other, even when we were vastly out numbered. It really does verge on amazing that so few people (compared to the crowds of guests) can do the job we do so well.

I'd like to thank all of you in my extended work family for being the great people that you are and taking that First Place invisible trophy home as a team. Happy 2013!! I know if we can handle a night like tonight that we can handle any silly Zombie Apocalypse that may come along..LOL!

Hugs,
k