Call me 'Henny Penny'

On several occasions since March I have attempted online dating. Each time I find myself afraid to answer after someone responds. I start with good intentions and a small sense of adventure, then I turn chicken and feel 'finger-tied' on e-mailing them back. If someone even mentions live chat or Instant message I am out of there faster than a speeding Road Island Red. I over analyze my responses afraid I will say the wrong thing. I look into the mirror, see imagined feathers and a no longer young face and feel unrecognizable to myself. Why do I keep trying? In the hope that I might actually find someone who will be the man friend I am looking for.

When I first gained my freedom after 19 years of servitude( marriage) I felt free and alive, a bit wild. I did use good common sense, talked to a few men online and wisely pushed for a public place to meet, usually for coffee. I met about 3 men that way, 2 were never seen again, and the third I fell in love with almost instantly. We were together for 9 years, unfortunately not for the life time that I hoped for us. When it ended, I was a changed person, perhaps forever. That damage was done to my psyche, something I never thought was so fragile.

I am not sure why my confidence has fled. I never felt my age before this, it was not important enough to fuss over. I did not think it mattered and now I do. Even if the man who responds is my age, I still feel too old for them..why? Because so many men search for someone younger to make them feel young again? ..hmm..perhaps. But..I am too chicken to give them a chance to prove otherwise.

My friends tell me to give myself time,not to rush it, though it has been 5 months now. The daily weeping of heartbreak has long since passed, the anger slowly dissipated to a dullness, and now at last seems to be leaving as well. Having a male companion is something I would like to have in my life, but I have no intentions of getting serious again. I'd like to be able to have good times without falling for the next guy who makes me smile and gives me shivers. That is a good part of why I run, I am so afraid my own heart will screw me over and do the 'dumb' thing again. Or that it might be real, and I will f-it up. Or they might be lying..and that is the kicker. I just don't want any more of the kind of hurt I have just been through.

There is also a significant fear of actually meeting someone in person. Any confidence I had flees replaced by worry about my safety, and I never felt like this before. Whether nice, mean, or a heart breaker..makes no difference. I am so conflicted right now...and leaving a trail of feathers wherever I go, and closed dating accounts. I have not felt shy since ever..but that is how I am feeling now...so not me. Man shy...lmao. In my work life I feel the same me.. . In my personal life I am a stranger.

Where did 'I' go? And how can I get 'me' back?

Sifting through a pile of feathers looking for my courage,

k