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There may be some truth to the "reason" for his
betrayal, but I still feel in my heart that it is not the whole
reason, just part of it.
The escape was brought on by the little head, and the reasons
he gave were for someone who could not at that time deal with
horrible grief and guilt. Yes, I know that we are all human.
But I surely wish that running away had not been his answer,
or at the very least I had been given a chance.
Instead I became the cause, and I think that was unfair.
Why I was dealt such cruel coldness and deleted from his life with
razor sharpness?
Because he was hurting and I was the closest target?
That he was afraid that I might actually be able to help him?
And in doing so prevent his 'running,'
that is what I think is closer to the truth.
That will forever remain something I did not deserve.
I had, and still have a huge capacity to love.
He never truly understood me, which is evident in the misjudgment of 'me'
that occurred throughout our time together.
Funny that he began the misjudging of me after 5 years had past-
up till that point he was very much in love and happy.
After 5 years?
Just in time for boredom to stink in, and after multiple
events of his looking for other women.
That was something I would not stand for and fought to keep him faithful.
Faith..there it is again..I fought for love and he gave up on it.
It could be that the misjudgment was on purpose, for it was a building ground that
allowed a reason for someone new.
I sometimes wonder if he knows himself well at all.
Sigh...Whatever...It's over now.
Someone else's turn to fight that fight.
And despite "proclamations" of his new love,
I do believe this will happen again... eventually.
Karma will have it's day.
For me? Those days are gone, I've paid
whatever dues I owed.
And I am finished with all this wondering why.
For it is well past the time when I should have let it go.
For that I apologize, something in me demanded the truth.
Something I know now he will not even admit to himself.
He is in My Past, and not my future.
k
6 comments:
Well thought out and written. Wonder if they will get it? For some reason, I suspect not.
Love, Mel
There are also no good reasons to live a life where the only thing left to look forward to is dying. I know I hurt you, and you still don't get it, that was never my intention.
After watching my father die, in a room full of people who loved him,I almost envied him. I loved forward to my own end, and knew I would not be blessed with a similar passing... Yet who welcomed my end anyway...
Now, I want to live, now I love my life. Now I have a life any man would love to have.
So, was it "right" to hurt someone whom I had Vowed tomy life to? No. Was it right to continue to be live a life that made me long for its end? No. I made a choice. I chose life. I chose Me.
I could go on, but it would appear mean,, callous, and be redundant... So, that's that.. be well, choose life.
Wow, so living with 'Me' made You want to die? I don't believe I can take credit for that, sorry. I know how badly your father's passing hurt you, but I think your reaching for something different was a midlife crisis, period. You could have talked to me, and you did not, or most of you did say was hogwash excuses. How can starting over again suddenly bring you fulfillment when it was his death that affected you the most? I'm glad you found life worth living, but how you did it was wrong. You intended to inflict pain, and you did. For whatever I did to cause you so much anger at me I ask forgiveness. Funny, even though we have both moved on, I still think that you did not give me a fair shake, and now I know you blamed me for your feeling that your life was over. I have a lot of life in me, and experience, and love in my heart to share, it has always been there. You never tried, you gave up on Us, and blamed all your bad feelings on me. How I caused your misery will remain a mystery, because you just wanted new, as an escape.
Oh, and I do have a life..It's slow to start, but it's coming along. That I intend it will be a good life is true. I wish you well. I also hope you someday don't look for another reason to run from this new life as well. New starts for you are hell on the ones that loved you.
Take care, have fun. Bye.
Never telling me how low you were feeling was a mistake. I would have made every effort to help you to a greater extent,or get you help. Why wouldn't I have done that? I loved you. Running away? Never the right answer. This I know from experience.
Being depressed has not been a problem for me after the first 4 months had gone by.It was hard, but I did get over it. Why do I still blog? Because it's my choice to rid myself of thoughts by expunging them here. I am normal..lol Good days and not so good days. What most people are like. Anger, joy, sadness and being silly..all these things are in everyone. being constantly happy? I guess it is possible, if you have no other feelings. I am not the exception to normal, except in your eyes. And why was that always so? Huh, never mind..can of worms best left unopened. I have verification from many others..yep..normal here. Maybe we were never meant to be, no one else has ever misjudged me as much as the man I once loved.
One last thing..there was a time, not so long ago..that you declared that finding ME brought you the happiness that had been missing from your life. In 2002-2007 that was what you felt. After that it was an endless fight to keep you. Such a sad waste of my life. What makes now any different? It is your pattern to run.
I face my demons Ron. It is not always pretty, and it doesn't always provide me a nice answer. But I look at me, and not someone else for reasons why I might be unhappy. I always blame myself, not another, even when I have cause to.
For someone who sees flaws and invents sadness or unhappiness in others, as an excuse for yourself, you need to look deeper into why you need them as an excuse. The only thing I ever accused you of was faithlessness, and that remains true. You did betray, and all of it was meant to destroy. That is not something a person who believes in being positive does, regardless. I will continue to believe you just found another excuse to move on, another invention to suit your needs. Again, have fun with your new life, how ever long it lasts. AS for me? I will wait this time till I know it's the right thing without a doubt, or I will wait forever. I will find real or nothing at all. Hurrying into something as an escape from something else? Not a good idea.
I am not trying to have another verbal war but I am curious, Ron, as to why you continue to read and comment on Kelly's blog entries if you have moved on and are so happy with your life that way it is now?
I know I have asked you about this before, but you have never responded.
Melinda
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