Appropriate for New Year Wishes

I went back through the blogs and was listening to 'feels like home to me' by Bonnie Raitt and Randy Newman, and the You tube list popped up a suggestion...yes it does seem like a good message to end the year with. Bette Midler....
In my life..
And just because I love her voice, and the messages she shares...
From a Distance
That's the story of..that's the glory of love.

hugs, k

I just love it..

I just love how when I post something current, some special viewer of my blogs goes back and pulls up something from 6 months ago..like that was still happening. What a dork. Having a problem with time lines and past and present tense? Umm..6 months ago I was thinking about finding someone through an online dating service.  Shortly after I posted that I stopped looking. Guess you missed that one.

I have no idea why you think that reading an old post would contradict a new one. That was then, this is now, time marches on, and so and so forth...blah..blah..blah. My dating life, or lack of it is really none of anyone's business but mine. I am currently content to not look. Replacing an old love with some stranger out of desperation is so not going to happen for this woman..I kind of like not having a man in my life right now, their ego's are too much to deal with. It's peaceful alone, nobody gets their feelings hurt.

 I have no quest, I am leaving that to God and fate. If memory serves, the hunting for fresh blood on line was his area of expertise, and will likely be a future tool as well. If your purpose was to stir things up, nice try. Go find something better to do.


k
 He is not part of my life anymore.
And neither is my antagonistic reader.

Cat anchor

Sitting here, just waking up, with a very determined Gilly plopped on my lap. His plan? To not allow me to get dressed, open the door to the outside, and otherwise desert him today. Over slept big time, but the hours got away from me last night, did not turn off the light till almost 5am. I woke up at 10..to clomping army boots over head and stair stomping, door shutting behind the wall the bed rests on. Then...my body said "Hi. You had better hurry..I'm warning you!" Something I ate when I got home apparently did not agree with me at all. I thought I was eating healthy..yogurt, celery sticks and light ranch dressing. Now I am wondering which product it was. (No repeats of the earlier event would be appreciated or wanted.)

Saw a very good friend just before work ended last night, who asked if I could visit after I clocked out.I Had to drop off a coworker at home who is car-less at the moment, and food shop. (midnight shopping-no crowds) I texted back, but forgot that she had changed cells due to a deer accident. Now I feel terrible that my message did not make it. I would have love to visited with her more, but work definitely frowns on our being on the gaming floor after hours, and they had already eaten. I know that they had a good time the last time they were here. Hope that they win some this time. Still feel bad I screwed up the message passing.Please contact me back..I feel like a goober for not remembering I did not have your new number.

Nothing big planned today. Julie is cooking for her crowd, they are having their Christmas today, and will likely drop off a tasty plate with goodies later. My laundry is sitting in a basket next to the closet as an unpleasant reminder of dragging it all to the washer and dryers a block away. And Gil? "love me, love me..pet me , NO GOING OUT,!" has made my plans for me.

k

Conserving the Ol' last reserves

Ok, Christmas at work kicked my tail..(it is now crooked and flat.) I worked 12 hrs on Christmas eve and almost 10 on Christmas...so yes..told you, it did pass me by. But that was not quite the end of it..record crowds on Monday and Tuesday as well.  I would really like to know what the jobs are that allow people to take the week of Christmas off..because in all the years that I have worked..(since 16 yrs old) I have never found one. We were packed and pretty much stretched as thin as we could get trying to handle the demand.

The second half of the Holidays from ..well....(it rhymes with well...LOL! ) will start Saturday night, New Years eve. I will be in blue (supervisor) and expect to run my butt off. Yes, it does make the shift go faster, but it sure can wipe me out also. The limited number of computers, for the amount of reports that will likely be coming, will be a challenge too.  I shall be running after Patrick, and yes, that French man can really move. ( so, do I start eating carbs now? ..and on Saturday take some B vitamins..whoops!! there he goes!) He is a really nice man, but when he curses it makes me crack up. I got the raised eyebrow last week because he was cussing at the schedule he was working on, and I had my head down on my desktop smothering laughter.  I told him I could never have an argument with him..he'd start cursing and I would be laughing too hard to fight back. I do work with some really nice people. ( and NO..nothing happening there. Patrick is a typical single French man, and has his hands full with girls chasing after him. We are just friends.)
It's the accent, gets them every time. Me? I like a nice Scottish burr or an Irish lilt...I'd probably hang on every word and not understand half of it.

Since I stopped worrying about being alone it has gotten a bit easier for me. I'd rather enjoy the company of some of my co-workers than EVER consider them for possible romance. Work and romance do Not mix well. Plus, I ended all match making searches months and months ago. If God intends I should be alone then that is what will be. All I'd like is more company and times spent with family and friends. I do sometimes get the 'lonelies', but not as bad as it was last spring and early summer. (Thanksgiving was hard) And frankly, my experiences with being part of a couple leave a lot to be desired, the endings sucked, especially the second time around.

So, I am doing the typical chores during this weekend of mine, and taking it easy in preparation for the next wave of work. Rest, keeping Gilly happy, and chilling. I am quite sure that New Years will have it share of stories to tell.

hugs, g'night,
k

New Year, New Dreams

I figure that having a dream, however far fetched, is better than not having something to dream about. So I will shoot for one way beyond my means and enjoy planning for it, even if I never get there.


I do most of my day dreaming at night..ha! I know that sounds bizarre, but when I first lay down to sleep my mind is still going about 50 MPH faster than my body, which is ready for slumber and cannot make my brain shut up  So..I day dream. It usually relaxes me, as long as I leave the negative behind and refuse to let it interrupt pleasant thoughts. What do I dream about? Beautiful places to visit, seeing my family, lottery wins (HA!) and positive thoughts of a possible future for me. 


This method of falling asleep has worked for me for more years than I can count. It is only on nights that my mind fights money issues, or relationship disasters that I toss and turn. Because it seems once I lay down and get started on thoughts like that, it is impossible to chase them away again. You push them aside for brighter thoughts and they creep back on nasty little feet. 


So yes, I will dream of a much better year. A large part of this past year was very pain filled. I'd really rather not have a repeat of it ever again. I am dreaming myself happy, and that's the way it is going to be.
 I am already on my way.


G'night
k 

It's Christmas...

*Note to self..never try to hurry a batch of chocolate chip cookies. When the butter is too warm it melts the chocolate..and they become Chocolate chocolate chips cookies.*

Hey, they tasted ok, but I felt they were not really what I wanted to share with work. Good thing there is not too many of them....*burp*, oh..excuse me. Nah, I am pulling your leg...I cannot do chocolate or coffee after early evening..it will prevent me from sleeping..found that out the hard way when I have been tempted before. There is nothing worse then not sleeping when you need to, and then fretting further because you cannot fall asleep...argh.

Christmas at work was about as I expected. Not so full a house as we normally have, but busier than a weekday. I still had folks that had to be walked out (3) and reports of property damage to complete.
(Note- I will catch him...it's the same guy each time. We just cannot get a clear picture yet nor have caught him in the act..he's quick to escape... plays fast, dumps his liquid on the validators, and then gets out of Dodge. Grr!)

I'll be back tomorrow for another shift on Christmas day. It is pretty much a typical weekend night for Gilly and I. He yells at me for being away so long, I apologize, and we settle down for a few minutes before sleep. Oh, and he pouts, pretty good pouting job for a cat too.

It's getting harder and harder to make it to next pay day lately, the ol'bank account gets pretty darn low. I can feel me scraping the ground and crossing my fingers. I really do not like having to worry that I have no back up means of taking care of emergencies. The electric bill did not get paid last month because a creditor demanded money or they would sue, and that was for only a small amount of what I owe, $56.  That drained me low enough that I was not able to pay. I'm hanging in there and praying, and hoping a roommate can be available soon. I don't expect it will make me wealthy, but it might leave a little breathing room, and lesson my loneliness. I don't go out for fun, I have not bought myself anything in the way of clothes for a damn long time, and just getting my hair cut gets questionable. At the food store I go into shock at the register, and that is only getting what is needed and maybe one meat meal a week.

I know I might be kidding myself, but I am hoping and praying that 2012 will bring some much needed relief to people like myself who are barely getting by. I don't care what the economic experts say about taxing the wealthy and their blah blah about how that will just hurt us further. They obviously must not be living in a world where buying hamburger is something you wonder if you can afford. Too many people struggle to just get by, making it worse will only increase the amount of state aid that will be needed.

Sorry, it's Christmas and I am fussing and farting over finances, apologies to my readers. I wish you all a joy filled and peaceful Christmas, and a New Year that will shed it's light on us All.

k

Elizabeth Regina

Elizabeth Regina, 1533-1603

A woman who forsake a life of her own, a husband, children, and a  private life, to raise her country to greatness. In a time of religious persecution, (The Inquisition) she provided a country the freedom of choice (the only one in Europe at that time) , the right to worship as you believed without fear of reprisal. She defended a country with a force of 3,000 against a force of 10,000, and won. I feel honored to share her name, for she was truly a woman ahead of her time. and someone worthy of that belief.
Despite attempts on her life, and the constant subterfuge and plots, she succeeded to raise a nation to greatnes, for she was the beginning of a Golden Age for England. . I guess if I had to chose a heroine, it would be her. It sure beats some shallow celebrity of these days.
Yes, lol..I did just watch "Elizabeth, the Golden years." It was an excellent movie. I would recommend it for any woman, or man...who can appreciate the power of women. Is is not a shame that we have been shoved back so far by men, that a female leader in this country has yet to be? History has proven that We are a force to be reckoned with. Maybe that is why so many fear a woman President. She would put those who came before her to shame.

Hail Elizabeth Regina, the Virgin Queen.

k

To My ( mostly) Silent Audience

To All my quiet viewers, I wish for you a joyful and peace filled Christmas season.
I don't often comment on how many people have followed my blog this past year, but I
do view my stats, and I know that I have friends from Russia, the United States, Germany, Australia,
Japan, Austria, and many of other places throughout the world. Nary a word do any of you utter, but still I feel as though I have been included in a large circle of people who stop by to see what is up in my small corner of the globe. Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to you all.

kel

Christmas Long Distance

I had a very nice long and chatty call with my Dad. I called today since Christmas Eve and Christmas day will be spent at work. In truth I should have  thanked him...for the many years that he made Christmas a magical time for his children; for the love he shared and still shares with me. He was my pillar of strength when I needed him badly. Even though we are many miles apart when we talk the distance does not seem as great. I truly wish I could be sitting beside him tomorrow night and celebrating Christ's birthday. So Dad, I just want to say I love you very much, and wish you the Merriest of Christmas's. Truthfully one of the best gifts of my life was having you for a father.

I love you,
Kel

Because you say so,...or he does

I admit to be perplexed. Why would anyone who admits to, and was part of. the great betrayal... .believe for one moment, that their wishes would be something that I would bow to and hasten to  perform? Really..you place greater significance on yourself then I would ever presume to assume for myself.

Just in case my readers are wondering what the heck I am talking about...the former fiance's new other half has written me for what I believe is the 3rd time,( in her condescending tone, ) for me to stop blogging about my past life, and leave it alone.   Last time I checked, I was not a part of Her family, nor a friend. If it needs to be clarified for the umpteenth time, stop reading my blog if you do not like what I write about, it is really that simple.

I wish google had a way to hide my blogs from them, without excluding the others that read it, but it is not there, and they choose many different points of entry.  I had to close one blog site already due to their viewing and complaining because he was subscribed to it. . I won't do it again. Whatever power you believe you have over me little kimmie, is a self induced fantasy. I don't care what you want, it really is sad that you think your views will change my perspective. There is still the freedom of the press, and the people that wrote that a long time ago, had a great deal more going for them than you do.

Do you know how I censure? I simply do not look for, nor read what I disagree with. That means, I don't go looking for anything that you or he writes.You should try that, it is a proven and well tuned method of not reading the disagreeable. Please do not email nor comment on my blogs anymore. Your views are not welcome nor appreciated. Whatever your life is currently is your business, I am not inviting you into mine simply because I write what I am feeling. I will not apologize for still having pain...that is something that I have to deal with alone. Being dictated to by someone who played a large part in my receiving said pain keeps that ball rolling, and I think you know it. And I  think HE does as well.

I cannot control your 'clicking' on a link, nor setting one up to use to follow this blog. You make that choice.
And so does he.

 I will repeat  what I believe is the truth...he gains power and sympathy by claiming his ex's are out to get him. Other than my blogging, there has been nothing done to support this claim. He is trying very hard to gain and reinforce control over your feelings. I know, I have been there in his campaign against Diann. "Crazy ex" seems to be his only defense for his continued path of betrayal. You ( and I) have to wonder how it is possible that the man who chose you, also chose two former lovers  and now makes claims that both were unstable. Will he say the same about you one day...if he follows his pattern, yes he will.

I can see someone making a mistake once..but twice? And claim the same defense for both?
If you cannot see the pattern, you are sadly mistaken. HE makes the choices for himself, no one else.
 And if He needs to move on, he will use it again. You are the next female in his life to be brainwashed..congrats.

I suspect that one day you will look back and do the "smack hand to head and DOH! move."

If you think you have found a forever man to share your life with, you are mistaken.
For him, there is no forever..he is always looking for the next one, and that will Not change because he says it's not true to you, that you are the one.( how very familiar)  I hope you have a back up plan, I did not.

k
By the way...I am finished accepting or responding to one of your diatribes. If he winds you up again to send another email it will have been a waste of time.  Just as the last one was. Ron...controlling you to get me to conform and bow to his wishes..wow..how twisted is that?
Spam, spam, spam.
And you relaying his messages to me? Never going to happen again. Not on this side anyway. He failed to be what he claimed to represent. Almost in entirety he is false.

Calling for C.A.T.

It had been almost 10 months..he was doing so well. Then somehow he got his paws on the killer
weed..and he has not been the same since..Formally such a well adjusted and completely sane cat ( well--as sane as most cats can be) he has since 6pm yesterday evening been rolling on the ground, making 'Murrp!' noises, and pigging out on cat chow and cookies. Shortly after that he crashes..only to wake up and head right back to his new stash.

I've contacted C.A.T. ( Catnip Abuse Tribunal) in hopes of saving him from himself. Say a prayer for Gilly...He had been doing so well..I've never seen him act this way..not in a long time. Please, Take a moment and talk to your cats about the evils of catnip, the life you will be saving will be one out of nine.
Thanks,
k

Stoned Again

Creepu and blogo viewer

New way to watch the train wreck you started? Have fun with that. And it was just the facts jack...I am not sitting here boo-hooing my lack of Christmas, but neither am I into spreading Joy at the moment. It's easy to try and place doubt on something you don't want to take account for, wipe your ol'slate clean..not going to happen.  Merry Christmas.
k
PS: If you don't like what I write, it is really quite simple..stop coming here to read it.

The Christmas that wasn't

(please, other readers, forgive me the editing that seems to have been needed per those at  253 ford  -sorry to have broken up the blog, they needed clarification. And I Will Not Do this again.)


The only thing presently in my home that is 'Christmasy' is my small tree...and a few very cheap dollar store goodies for Gilligan.

 Yes, the 'Grinch' stole my Christmas, and despite his own words to the contrary,(last Feb/March) he IS having one himself. (not going to go there..if you don't already know, read more of the blog entries.) I am not sorry for saying that either, He did steal both years of my life and killed my finances. I Do have memories of better times that were spent together.  If he had never been serious, would it not have been the right thing to do to never have asked me to move in and marry him, multiple times? Making promises and breaking them..not something that I do.

Note to not so bright readers at 253 ford ---> Not blaming him for this part:
 There are no Christmas cookies. here,  I am working too many hours to get that done this year, and I do not need to eat them all by myself. If I can scrounge a batch up I will take them to work..  There are no Christmas cards, which cost is a factor, I will send only a few. Plus, there is No way with my holiday schedule at work to get to church this year.  I cannot even bring myself to watch holiday classics, because it opens a door to hurt that I do not want to feel, of better Christmas's. ( and if that bothers you..ford circle viewers..stop reading my blogs!)

So...if the world does Not end 12-21-2012, then I hope to really have a Christmas next year. Because this year is a wash..I am simply without funds to afford any of it..

 It does not feel in the least bit fair that for all the years I made sure Christmas happened for someone else, that I am now without means of celebrating it  now. The dumping on January 14th seems to be the gift that goes on giving, and by that I mean the debt and the memories of better times.<--again a note to brilliant 253 Ford readers.

I will say my prayers, sing a quiet 'Silent Night' and let it go, there is nothing else I can do.
I wish everyone else a Merry Christmas, I hope that you are spending it with family and loved ones,
because really the gifts are secondary, the real importance of Christmas is celebrating Christ's birth and being with those that you love. Being completely alone on a family holiday is incredibly hard on this heart.
*I did sing Silent Night..thankfully I was in my car on the way home and no one else had to listen.
k

ps: Despite my mentioning him here, I am currently on a self campaign to establish in my own mind and heart that "the Grinch" no longer exists at all.  All I want for Christmas is Amnesia.<--I believe they failed to read this part entirely.

'Tis the Season...

To share wishes of Christmas Joy to all my family and friends. An older video, I plan on a new one shortly.
I had to annotate to set a few things straight, sorry for the interruptions. Needless to say, a great deal of my older videos were dedicated to someone who elected to Not share his life with me anymore. Not much I can do with the videos other than add a note.


Merry Christmas,
k

A Season of Joy

Too deep

See if this strikes a memory chord:

: "some hurts run too deep...you cannot go home again."

" You, my friends, shall bow to no one."

k

I never cared so deeply, nor shared a feeling so profound as with this movie.

Gilligan agrees, I just got a foot rub.

re-submitting FYI

What I find amazing is I think that either he has convinced himself that the lies he told about me are real, or he is putting on a fantastic show for her and others. That is the only way to make his actions seem less selfish and self serving, and to come out as some kind of hero. If she is discovered after hiding all this time it won't have come from me.

Find another person to use as a scapegoat, dude. You are very good at convincing the simple minded that I am some evil wicked person who would do something terrible. You are still using whatever lies you used last year. Funny how it's always your ex's who are the ones that did you wrong, when it is obvious from the pattern

that it is all on You.

Anyone who believes otherwise is a fool.

Just because I won't shut up and go away does not mean I

would do harm. It simply means I am ornery enough to NOT be silenced.

By the way.."In the Audience" was not meant to cause paranoia. I have NOT done anything , period.

k

Paranoia Will Destroy ya...

The Kinks seem to have a theme...years apart, two different songs.

Acute Schizophrenia Paranoia Blues

Destroyer

Ridiculous Dreams

Ok, since I closed Souly I have been having damn silly dreams. Who knows, maybe it is my brain's way of saying I still have things to say there, but I am refusing to comply with the subconscious demands. I have dreamed more of the Fink this past week then I ever had. Last night was the icing.

Picture a neighborhood, older ranch style homes, big trees and all deserted.( end of the world apocalyptic) Except that there were bears living in some of them. Walking down the empty leaf strewn streets you could see them inside where windows were broken and in carports. Dream shifted, now driving in a car through arid country talking. Dream shifted again, in some Home Dept/Lowes type super store walking with the Fink and looking around. He decided he would take me to meet his new significant other. Shifted to a kitchen where a woman was making a chocolate cake that fell apart when putting it on a plate. I kept looking for this new person, and was told the older asian/african american woman making the cake was the girlfriend.(older than me) There the dream ended because I decided I had seen enough for the night. Weird? Told ya. And this is just one of the past 4 or 5 nights. Mostly the vision I had was of me being an observer with no real feelings, and he being some worried, unsure person, half freaking out. Again..don't ask why.

Freud would have a heyday...

k

5 Degrees

What a difference a few degrees make. I went from "Ahh..nice..perfect ." to

"DAMN! I'm cold! Where is my coat?!"

In the apartment where I had not yet turned on the heat..,the switch was flipped to make 65 a bit more comfortable last night. This place stays fairly moderate, and I am pinching pennies, but I do believe the open window at night time is over for a bit.

Even at work..a few degrees..and the coat stays on in Podium and Control, and the entrances are chilly. I gaze upon my last long sleeved shirt with a raised eyebrow wondering if I wear it Monday or Tuesday. If I am moving around it's not so bad. Staying in one place is quite different.

I knew winter would start raising it's icy fingers sooner or later. I was sort of hoping for the later. Layer, layer, layer..shirts and socks..Lol. Not that I am expecting Santa to leave me a single thing this year..but a piece of coal might actually come in handy.

Stay warm,

k

Ah, Saturday

Saturdays..gotta love em. For the 9-5 world it's the day you run around and try to get everything done so you can rest up on Sunday. For me? I get to run around and try to get everything done in 12 hours at work...and there always seems to be a report that keeps me longer.

Funny, when I got off the elevator at work tonight some of the swing shift officers were arriving as well. I was set on hurry my giddyup speed to spend a few moments chatting before clocking in. One of the officers said loudly:

" We have our Hot supervisor here tonight!"

My first thought that popped out was " Wait... do I look mad to you?"

He laughed and said " That's not what I meant."

"oh"

Lol... I have never thought of myself that way, ever.

So yeah, I checked the mirror a few times tonight, wondering why tonight was any different

from other nights. I did look pretty good..but hot? Hmm..matter of opinion I guess.

I appreciated the compliment.

And yeah, as I passed by him before going through the door, cutting around those in line for radios..I grinned and said "thanks...."

From 230pm till 9pm it's a lot of walking, some assisting, ID issues, patron complaints. But as the hour of 9pm approaches..the fuse is burning and the night shoots off in rapid fire radio calls for supervisors. Basically from 9-0230 I run my tail off, and so does everyone else.

At the end of my day...

When I walk in the door finally home at 3am, I am greeted with soft sleepy meow's that quickly turn to loud and indignant complaints...

"where have you been for 13 hours?!!"

"And Where pray tell is my food?"

"Ahem?!"

He is now resting quietly on my lap. Gilly Bear.

Winding down now..not much time for that on Saturdays. I sort of have to force my body to come off work mode, because running for almost 13 hours leaves me wired.

Have a good night,

k

A little Sore this morning

Yesterday was hand cuffing class for supervisors to be. Why I am sore?? I have no idea, perhaps it was the twisting of my arms behind my back and going to my knees, LOL! Or maybe it was me twisting a grown man's arm..either way I know I must have used muscles harder than they have been used for a while. I am thinking of taking a self defense class, and not for my personal life, but for work. Though that knowledge is certainly something that every woman needs.

I agree with what was taught. For something to become an unconscious action, it has to be repeated in your mind and body hundreds of times. If not for a class I cannot see me cuffing anyone hundreds of times, I am not a police officer, just a security officer on private property.

Hand cuffing is rare at work, and only used when the situation warrants it. It is far better to use your brain then get physical.

Yes I would rather hold hands with a Walk Out and be their friend rather than force anything. (and I did do that, with his girlfriend walking beside us, and he swinging our arms.) Force usually is met with violence, and that is not my style. They can call me every name in the book, but as long as we are moving towards departure it really does not matter.

But I know that I have a disadvantage from most of the men in our department. Most of them have either police or military backgrounds. My strengths lies in empathy, quiet insistence and reporting. I do not usually have to ask a man to assist me, though they are always there as a precaution, which I appreciate. For the most part males will get meaner with other men rather than with me. It's the women I have to watch out for. And some of them are real doozies.

I will wait till after the Christmas season has passed. I know that I cannot afford an expensive class. I am hoping that the one that was spoken of is still available at a reasonable cost.

'Tis the season to be jolly..grab your hand, twist it up, lock the elbow, push up towards your back... break to bend at the elbow..NOW! "Get Down!"

LOL..

kel

farewell to Souly Speaking

Have fun now..bye bye.

Souly Speaking is no more. It has been closed as a result of frankly, the wrong people

viewing it. They look for a scapegoat, a fall guy, someone to justify their reason for coming together.

That person will no longer be me. They plotted and planned and destroyed another person to get what they wanted. In my opinion, both deserve whatever fate decides to award them. I look forward to the final result of their actions. No one, who hurts another without good reason, will reap any rewards for inflicting harm. That is not God's will, that is closer to the other side, the opposite of God. For him, to gain sympathy and to push forward his replacing the fiance , many lies were told and acts of cruelty took place. For her side, believing something she knew must not be the full truth, and yet it met her needs. What did it matter to her that to attain what she wanted someone else was dealt pain and thrown away? God watches.

There is no need to question, just wait...it will come on it's own. That I have complete faith in believing in. You get what you paid for. And for non-believers? It really does not matter....fate and God are the same. If you hurt, it shall be repaid. No question, no doubt, just justice.

I mourn the passing of Souly, it was cathartic, and liberating. It allowed me to pour out grief and move beyond it to a safer place. It was something I had to let out. But towards the end it was used as an excuse ...as others viewed it they pointed fingers, twisted the facts, and said "see? that's why she is wrong." It was happening on a fairly regular basis, so time to go.

I have to say..No. No matter what excuses you lay out..they are simply (!!) excuses. You will never be able to justify your actions, ever. Nothing was ever done by me to warrant the treatment I received, ever. You will be forever guilty of aiding to the destruction of a life that only lived with you because of love. There was no ulterior motive on my part. I believed in us. I was not looking for a free ride. I loved a man, there is no crime in that. The crime came only when he grew bored and sought more. Oh what to do? I know, push her out the door, and make sure you are cruel while you do it. Leave her with a broken heart and nothing more.

It is a sad ending. One who believed, and one who did not. I am sorry that we were not to be, because it DID feel like the right thing to Me. I won't deny that he has re-invented himself yet again. It was HOW he got there that was wrong.

My run on messages are over. I am sure that will be taken with celebration. I will just patiently wait.

k

Feral Rescue Fail

What's that you say?? You saw one of the security guards in the garage, on her hands and knees, ass up calling to a cat under a van?? Yep, that was me, twice tonight I tried to find and rescue a cute marmalade kitty in the East garage at work. Yes, that was me, hunkered down peering under vehicles calling "here kitty, kitty, kitty." And yes that was me, breaking my last $5 for the week to buy turkey from the cafeteria and take it back up to the same garage. I hate it when I cannot help an animal in need.

There have been other occasions I tried to help a feral, some that will stay with me sadly in my heart forever. I've had a few small victories, Raz being one, but it's the ones I cannot help that stay with me simply because I wanted so badly to help them. It feels like a fail, though their circumstances were the same before I arrived to attempt a rescue.

~ The white kittens at the hotel that r and I were visited before we moved in together.

~The little black kitten near the Waffle House that we stopped at.

~The kitten, hit by another car, that died in my arms after I jumped out of the car in Winchester. That just broke my heart.

And others throughout my life...I don't forget them, ever.

I'm sure that if I ever have the chance to have a real home of my own again, and not limited to lease clauses, or apartment rules, that there will be more than a few rescues living with me.

And maybe someday, after God takes me home, there will be some newspaper blurb about the crazy cat lady and her 20 cats. I would never take in more than I could properly care for, that is just negligent. But all would be loved. I wish I could have helped tonight.

k

Murphy's Laughter

It was one of those days that makes you truly appreciate the good days that much more.

One thing after another went wrong...it was almost funny. I felt like I was in a Chevy Chase National Lampoon movie, or some black comedy, where disaster follows disaster and the poor main character just stands reeling in the middle of a highway, unable to move because he is boxed in by speeding cars. Yep. That kind of day.

I could almost time the next problem to arrive, as if on cue. I am not going to get into details, some of what occurred were things going wrong for other people, I don't blame them for that. But it sure sucked when I was counting on them to come through. I am going to try and believe the best about them because other wise it would make for uncomfortable times at work, and that would be even worse. Holding grudges over little things is not going to help me at all. So.. I am letting it go.

But it was not 'just' them..it was the storage facility, the truck rental, the lack of the sales person telling me the true price of things, my poor credit (as in no credit cards)..and it continued on with stupid little things like a light bulb blown out (that was just replaced) a parking space stolen when no one else has ever parked in it before, stomping screaming children upstairs from me...

see? I know that damn Murphy is sitting high above me on a cloud and laughing his ass off. Bugger.

So getting out of bed...or planning on this day for weeks..I've got to wonder...the best laid plans of mice and men...or women. I think I will re-wind this day and play it back for a movie contract.

It's gotta be worth something...days this ridiculously bad should have some sort of compensation thrown in. I'll be waiting by the mailbox for my check to arrive.

k

What love means to me...

A ride home in the dark, the shadows

of the country side that fly by;

soft glow of the dashboard, and the smell

of the earth that slips in the windows.

A song playing softly on the radio,

you turn to gaze at the driver as he turns towards you,

soft smiles of a shared moment in time that means

something special just for the two of you.

Small moments shared, that is love to me,

and yes it does feel like coming home.

The song says it all, and Bonnie's voice does the rest...

just being with someone, spending time together, not the exploding fireworks,

but instead the burning embers, banked and holding the heat till a blaze can be called forth,

and then setting them to wait again.

Being home just sharing each others company...that kind of love would feel so right.

Feels Like Home to me

Words and music by Randy Newman

Song by Bonnie Raitt

Much ado about nothing kind of day

I've had two busy days off, and today is a stay at home day. Class yesterday, visiting the hospital for the financial help regarding my bill.... I still have calls to make, cleaning to do, but that takes very little time these days. As for the rest of the week, Wednesday was a bit of a wash since I did not sleep on Tuesday night..stress, worry, who knows, but I gave up at 6am and started laundry and shopped for food.

The shopping for food killed my budget for this pay period. The bill at the register just seems to be getting higher as I buy less. It's sort of freaking me out, wondering just how much I will be able to afford just getting necessities, and prescriptions. I've joined the rest of the gang in using a local ciggy shack to pay less for those cancer sticks. I have no idea what else to cut out, it's down to bare bones already. I need a roommate badly. It is the only way I can foresee affording the cost of living, but I am stuck in this lease till March.

I have to set up a truck and a storage unit today for the dining room. I tried to sell it, and that was a loss of $70 in ads, only 2 hits which both bailed out on me. So, now I have another bill..yippee! I have some muscle lined up, and crossing fingers all will go well in a few days. They could not grant me time off to take care of this, so I will unfortunately have to call out, not something I like to do, but the guys are not available on my days off, so that is beyond my control.

Wednesday was bean soup day...made a huge pot, it's yummy, and my main meal for the week. As long as I can make these kind of things I can get less at the store and save a few pennies.

The Christmas decorating is complete, and it's as much as I will put out this year. Just enough to help me through another alone holiday. I figure if I did not it would be just that much sadder. I will send cards, but buying gifts is out this year entirely, there is just no way to pay for it.

I wish I could at least see some of my family this season, but my days to work are on every holiday day, Christmas eve and Christmas day, New Years eve and New Years Day, working straight through it all. It will keep me busy, but I know myself...I will still get some of those holiday blues, it's a given.

Hope everyone has a great weekend.

k

Oh! I'm posting a completely silly little mobile video of Gilly and the purse. Please...ignore my micky mouse voice...it always come out when I play with the cats. Sorry for the ear pain..lol.

Gilly and the Purse

Baby Gil

Gilligan and Pumpkin
Gilligan and Jasper
Gilligan and Pumpkin

I was gathering what was required for class the other day, and thankfully my gaze fell upon a jump drive that I forgotten I had. ( need it to copy policy and procedure manual..whoopie!) I stuck it into the F drive on my computer tower and received a present, some pictures from 2003-2004. Not all of them were keepers, but I considered myself lucky to find some baby pictures of Gilly. He was not always panther sized, and it was nice to revisit those tiny days.

While he was sitting on my lap tonight I told him how cute he was as a baby and now he was my big boy..well, that must not have translated well into cat speak..he got all huffy and jumped off my lap, and is sulking somewhere now. I guess he does not want to be reminded he was ever a little kitten. Either that, or he misses his sister Pumpkin,and brother Jasper who are also in the pictures with him, and it was a sore subject. It seems so long ago now, but I will treasure those baby pictures. Having him be in my life was a gift in more ways than one. I am just sorry he is a lonely boy without his siblings.

k

Happy Black Friday--Not

Black Friday... it even sounds evil...frantic grasping shoppers willing to fight for that 'special' deal. I passed, as usual, and I was even off work for a change on the day. I personally do not plan to ever enter a store on any day called Black Friday. For one thing, so Not my scene, and secondly I do not have the money to buy a gumball right now.

This will definitely be a year without presents, no doubt about it. I've had slim years before, but this one is anorexic. I have included a link on this blog entry to how I spent Thanksgiving. It's not much, a mobile upload and a short message. What else did I do? Watched a video with dinner, and have been watching a series on Netflicks called "The Monarchy." Don't ask why, I just have always been fascinated with the history of Great Britain. Took 2 classes at college level because of that fascination. From prehistoric times, to Anglo-Saxon England to the Norman Conquest, I am enjoying the revisit. Got up to the end of Henry the 3rd last night, and will likely watch another. It is cool to be able to see the places I read about previously, and hear how one nation grew out of multiple invasions to be one of Europe's strongest Nation states. I would love to visit there someday, the land itself seems to call me.

Other than that, just putzing, slept way too late due to being unable to sleep, stupid move in having after dinner coffee last night..Duh me.

Hugs,

k

Thanksgiving and Mystery Turkey

Addendum to the holiday message

For more years than I can count I hosted, cooked and entertained for my family for the holidays.

This year, after being abandoned by the one person who stood by me, I am now wondering what happened to my family? The only invites I received were from people I work with (2) and I passed simply because I would have felt uncomfortable crashing 'their' family holiday. With all respect and friendship to those I work with, I was hoping that my family would remember me.

I guess I am set to pass on this holiday season. I am too broke to buy gifts, and frankly I am no longer in the mood to search for the spirit of anything regarding a family holiday. I believe I shall bake some breads, share them with others that I know are also alone this season...the elderly man, John, in the power chair that always waved and said hello to me on laundry days when it was warmer; my neighbor upstairs, hoping it will keep the peace between us and lower the volume; the elderly lady with the small but beautiful garden that sometimes said hello ; my other neighbor also alone pretty much, though I know he has friends over. And a few of my co-workers who will be working the holiday along side of me. Other than that, my shift does not allow for church time, but I shall try to find one service during my days off, and pay my respects to Christ on his birthday.

I hate feeling sorry for myself, it makes me disgusted with me. But I forgive myself this time, because it really does suck. There was one other Christmas that I spent alone, shortly after my 25 year marriage ended, and that was a ball of fun as well. I worked 12 hours and then listened to someone else's terribly spoiled children till it was time to go to bed.

I miss my Mom. If she was still with us I know where I would be without a doubt, she would not take no for an answer, nor ever forget anyone she loved during the holidays. I love you Mom, and I miss you so much.

k

Thanksgiving

I know that I often rant, and come close to a whine over my circumstances this past year. But I did want to express my gratitude to my family, friends and God for the help they provided in helping me to survive a very rough time in my life. The emotional support was the life saver that I needed to pull myself together enough to start over. I cannot thank you all enough.

I might be spending the holiday alone with Gil, but I am grateful that I have a roof over my head and food on my table, sometimes things I previously took for granted. There were a few times this past year that I feared I would not be able to stay afloat, but somehow I scraped by. I still have many challenges ahead of me financially, the battle has barely begun. But..I am still here.

This past year has taught me many lessons. The value of true friendship, people who are there when you need them, who share laughter and sometimes sympathy or empathy being in the same boat as I am. Who offer unconditional hugs, the best kind. People who can help you move mountains and make you smile while you share the load.

I have also been taught some very hard lessons in trust this year. The person whom you believe in the most might be the one that hurts you more than anything you ever experienced before. You can never really know anyone the way you know yourself, which has led me to believe in myself more than I did before and to forever more be cautious in sharing my trust. Paying back for that lesson? Likely the rest of my life. Fortitude, perseverance, and strength are also gifts learned from that lesson. That and living within your means, and making do.

For the simple things that bring me joy; for the love shared over many miles with my family; for surviving despite both severe emotional and physical pain ( the damn gallbladder); for a quiet and sweet roommate, Gilligan; and for Hope. Hope took awhile to be reborn but it did slowly come back. Believing in myself has led me to take steps I might never have thought of taking before professionally, and it has brought pride along for the ride. And hope will be my silent companion as a new year begins.

I have much to be thankful for, and I hope that all my friends and family know how much I am sincerely grateful for having them in my life. And to God? Thank you for letting me stick around a little longer, and helping me find myself once again. For the beautiful sunrises and sunsets that colored my days and brought smiles of appreciation; the food that sustains me, and the shelter of my home. I thank you very much.

~k

Mixed Day

Off and running this morning, had supervisor training class for 3 hours. Then I hopped on over to the Department of Health and Human resources to make an appointment to be screened for Medicard. Do I think I qualify? It comes close, but by about $1000/year I likely won't. Since that 1,000 gets spent on bills, rent, car, food...it's not like I am taking a cruise with it. But I need the denial to get financial assistance from the hospital for my bills from the ER and surgery in August/September.

Came home, and whipped up vegetable and beef soup for meals this week. It's simmering as I write. I bought Thanksgiving dinner for one on a budget at Walmart, $13. No real turkey, just the processed stuff..and I will miss having the familiar family recipe stuffing..no sense in spending and doing all that just for myself. I could not even bring myself to pay $12 for a turkey breast. It was either go out for dinner or stay home. I feel that going out just blares my being alone and will make me uncomfortable and sad, so staying home it is. If I have anyone from work who I know will be off and by themselves I will ask them, but I think most of my friends are working.

Christmas. I will put up a tree, but no goodies to go under it will be purchased. I just don't have the funds for that. I might make some breads to give as gifts to a few. I intend to enjoy my little fake tree, but will be working the holiday. It makes me sad that so many people come to gamble on a religious and family holiday, but they may be in the same position as me and would rather not be home and blue.

Still have one more delightful phone call to make. I went to pay a bill yesterday at Sears. It shows you just how long I have not been to the mall, (since last winter) the store had been closed for months and I had not a clue. The collector? Is probably frothing at the mouth, and sure to be snider than ever when she speaks to me. I am only going to take that for so long before I make a comment. She had better back off and find polite.

Otherwise a quiet and lazy day for Gilly and me. He is happily curled up on my lap just now..making sure I cannot get away and out the door again today. Cat strategy, gotta love him. He is good company and my roomie.

hugs,

k

Oooh!! Fun day ahead

So far this morning I have been on the phone with:

1. one very arrogant and nasty lady from Citi card demanding an immediate payment-again.

2. Medicaid-so I can be denied. Yep..denied. This is to help me get financial assistance from the hospital regarding the gallbladder surgery in September. I have to go to a local office to apply...strangely it is about 1 block away from where I live. I never would have known.

3.WV Lottery. My license is a temporary one for the Dual Rate Supervisor. The higher you go, the more information they require. I had a message to contact them and it took me a while to get a name and number. She was terrific. There is no way to describe my current financial situation other than nightmarish, pure and simple. She stated the whole purpose of the commission is to put people Back to work here in the panhandle, not to penalize them for being in a bad financial situation. They will work with me to settle issues. Really the message to call was to tell me that they have not had a chance yet to review my multi-jurisdictional application due to an office move and work overload. My current license expires in January 2012.

I have yet to do the most unpleasant calls..yes..tax agencies are never pleasant...they do not care for our excuses or lack of money. They, unlike the credit people, do not expect you to hit up rich family members for the cash. ( really, I have none, and I found that offensive. Citi-person has said that more than once. If I could have reached through the phone and popped her in the nose I would have. Rude..#@&^%$!!!! Sure...we all live to mooch off our family and friends. My family and friends are passengers in the same boat I am in.) The tax people do not care about the details of retrieval just the results.

4. What to do with the dining room set? After placing ads in the local papers..$50--waste of my puny funds. I had 2 calls, one back out and one no call back. It has to be moved into storage, another bill I do not want. The set might be useful in the future, but I need the money for the Now. Looks like that is a bust. Storage bill each month? ARGH! Also need muscle and truck to get this done. My friend has been very kind in letting it remain this long, I do not want to push my luck or make her angry. My previous muscle has moved to different shifts or no longer works at the casino.

is it too much to ask to have a week with no obligations? I guess so.

Funny, what I owe for taxes is almost equivalent to the amount of taxes I paid for Him, minus $600. So for $4900 which I paid to his federal and to file I am being charged $4300. Nothing like your money being worthless. All because I withdrew before I was 59 and to save his ass. Wish I could go back and undo that, but I cannot. Same for all the times my cards paid for repairs, tickets, tires, etc for him and us. I am stuck in this hole because of L-o-v-e. This really sucks.

Again..wanting that time machine, if for no other reason that to be smarter about trusting another person; that Someone who swore love for ever with a forked tongue and no real Honest intentions. I was used, very clear now after the fact. What a nice guy.

On to more fun..later..

k

****

I hate my debt.

I really hate not being able to make a dent in any of it without

creating bigger debt.

I hate trying to fix it, getting frustrated and staring at piles of paperwork

spread over my bed, hours spent futilely scrunching, searching, compiling,

then wishing for a flame thrower.

It sucks to be me sometimes.

k

If perhaps you believe this is drama, you'd be wrong..it is tragedy.

$30,000 in credit debt, and between state and federal $4000 owed.

Those numbers are not made up, they are quite nastily real.

Reality Bites

I have not mentioned this in awhile, because it seemed senseless to continually post or dwell upon my financial situation. Not dwelling on it allowed for 'upbeat' moods, and a numbness to what is hanging over my head..the guillotine of my debt.

I battled it last spring with all I could summon, and was left feeling helpless in the crappy reality of it all. Between the credit debt and the back taxes I felt like a mouse in a maze that ran into walls looking for the cheese that would help 'fix' it all. I tried bankruptcy...could not afford. I tried 401 K..not vested long enough...and there is no rich Uncle or sugar daddy to borrow from. My salary would be fine if I gave up paying rent and eating. I do not live a life of luxury, I never go out anywhere, except an occasional dollar menu feast at Taco Bell. Not even purchasing clothing except from Good Will.

Now the sharp blade has returned, pushing aside my puny efforts to ignore. I must confess that it is a daily worry that I feel in becoming homeless because of my debt. I rarely speak of it anywhere except my own head, and sometimes to Mel. I stopped sharing my worry at work many months ago, it just colored my days too much to talk about. I did enough of that after the 'kicked out', it got me nowhere but the land of morose. Not a fun gal, so I stopped.

My miracle has not occurred despite wishes and prayers.

There are 2 things I have come to know from this lesson in poverty....

forget about credit, if you cannot afford the cash, you cannot afford the debt;

and secondly..putting your trust in someone that you loved can really hurt you,

no matter how much you believed you were partners in everything and to help him was to help "us". They can start anew and erase their love and responsibility in a heartbeat, leaving you holding the baggage and bills from a life spent 'together.' And they never look back or wince one time from what they helped to cause. Guilt does not follow them, everything is shiny and new.

As far as they are concerned, they never played a part in ruining anyone else's life. And I guess that justice will come from no one but God.

~k

Just sitting and singing

Last night was my last night on Grave shift for now. I start back on Swing shift Saturday night, the busiest day of the week, and my longest shift. Challenges..lol..I know I can do it..but after working these shorter shifts since March it will likely knock me for a loop the first time. I'm excited and looking forward to it. There was a few days that it looked like it might be Day shift, which would have been cool too..as long as I can sleep when it's dark outside, lol.

Just sitting here singing with my headphones on..poor neighbors..hey..suitable torture for making me listen to army boots on my ceiling and the in and out running up and down the stairs and slamming of doors when I am trying to sleep. I am sure my voice might send them running to their cars..heh heh!( < secret plan! shhh!) I might have to sing louder and longer for furniture moving though.

We had a milder day on Tuesday and Gilly was window sitting..he came running into the room and under the bed and I heard a kitten crying loudly. I think he saw Gil and thought home! That's Gil, afraid of a baby. Jumped up, ran to the windows, no kitten. Opened the front door and saw my neighbor had just come home and left his door open...I knocked and asked if he had brought home a kitten..Nope..and a funky look. Told him I heard one..and went looking. I found no trace of the kitten and I know both Gil and I heard it...it's been bothering me for several days now that I did not find it...worrying over someone else's cat...yep..that's me. I keep picturing a cold wet kitten tucked someplace I could not see...Damn It.

Going to have to trick my body into getting ready for the time switch..should be great..when to sleep, or stay up way past tired. I foresee silly blogs. Hugs..

kel

decisions, decisions..

As in how to make one...decision. You weigh the pro's and con's, debate with yourself, and if you wait too long the decision is made for you. Hmm..that has been my dilemma this past week.

Essentially I am trying to decide which direction I should head, that would benefit all concerned, including myself. Bribery has been mentioned, big smile. (though I seriously doubt it..my leg was being pulled I believe.) I guess whatever will be, will be in one short week. It is very flattering to be wanted, especially after this past year. (as in Yeah! Somebody wants ME..lol) And yeah! Look! I can do something well after all. I will fill you in as I find out..which way I am going.

smiles...

~k

As Frosty would say...

"Happy Birthday!" Well, he did before he melted, and then again when he came back. Other than work, I am spending the day alone, but that's OK, it's what I normally do. Gilly has tried to sing to me several times, and I think he got his feelings hurt when I started to giggle. Bad Meowme.

I have a small cake, which at the most I will eat a slice or two of and then bury in the garbage. If you want some you know where I live, well some of you do. I could not find a small German chocolate, so it's simply yellow cake and white icing. Since it is not chocolate Gil can have some too, if he wants, you'd be surprised what interests him.

I have a major decision to make in the next couple of days. Besides Grave not wanting me to go, now both Swing and Day have expressed interest. I am weighing the pro's and con's before I let them know. Both shifts have advantages in their favor, though having Wednesday through Friday off is very tempting. (I would stay till 2am on Saturdays to make up the difference.) Thinking about calling them before I doze off today to find out what duties would be mine on swing. The pace is usually fast, which I like. But on Days I would have time to learn other things.

Argh!! It will come to me..just need some time to simmer a bit. And there is a supervisor class starting which I will likely be taking, a 6 month course, or so I have been told.

Thanks for the beautiful cards from my Dad, Uncle Bill and Aunt De and Uncle John. All were very appreciated, I love my family.

Since I never did make it out to sell the item I was holding, no socks for me just yet. I've been trying to get some of the other things clogging my in box taken care of first this week.

I still do not feel my age. I guess I am fortunate in that respect. In my heart as well as my body I still feel barely 40. I do not plan to ever let a number rule my life, it is all a matter of perspective. To all my Face Book friends, and my friends at work who wished me a Happy Day, thank you very much.

Hugs,

k

"Say Cheese!!!"

"39 and Holding..LOL!"

Watched an old movie...

I watched an older movie, and was swept away by these songs. They evoke such a beautiful

sentimental feeling. I've posted both songs that Norah Jones sang below.The old movie? Silly, sappy, but a feel good movie, "Maid in Manhattan." Just for the hope and tears and smiles, it was worth watching a third time, it's been a while since the second.

Close your eyes, lean back, and just listen. The songs transcend time, softly romantic, it feels like dancing slowly on a dark floor, shadows and soft prism reflections, breathing and moving in the arms of someone you love. Simple soulful melodies.

yes...I can have dreams too.

Come Away with Me

Don't Know Why

Cold Cold Heart

Drown in my own tears

Thoughts about the future

It's sort of funny...I have never been someone who strives at work to move up the chain. In my past I was always standing behind someone else and encouraging them. That might have been left over advice from my mother on how to be the 'good little woman,' Or as she put it "the corporate wife." Though I know she meant well, it was old fashioned and not really a woman's place in this world today.

I will say it is Not because I was not encouraged by my partners, (well, one did, the other sort was stuck in the 1950's.) But for some reason that part of me remained 'June Cleaver-esque.' And definitely at odds with who I am..so why did that stick with me?? hell..I don't know! (There are still times that I cannot figure me out at all.) Her advice was from the heart, and she always meant well and hey, she was my Mom...a lot of what she did advise me on was good advice. ( after the nagging was over with...LOL)

It's not that I do not work hard, I always have. No matter the job I give it my everything, even past jobs that were very frustrating. But I really never had the bug to move up. I did take a chance once before, but in the end turned down a promotion because I wanted quality of life at home over a career, and yes, sometimes I regret that, but it's water under the bridge, already passed by. As for now I believe that some of my increased joy at work lately is because I am:

1. Having fun learning something new

2. Happy that my work ethic has finally paid off

3. Feeling that if I keep at it I can go further.

4. And liking the people I work with..they are all super folks.

Yep, I am still only a Dual Rate, but so digging it. I am soon to return to Swing where I am needed, they are down to one Dual Rate supervisor, and she happens to be a friend of mine. But there is constant flux at this job, someone is always moving up, sideways, etc. If I keep on my current path I might make supervisor before another 6 months to a year goes by. My only concern is that there is an imbalance in the pay scale...an hourly DR makes better money than a salaried supervisor, and it needs to be addressed. Hopefully they will look at this and make some changes.

I received a very nice compliment in some gentle begging to not leave Grave shift tonight. I was told they liked me, they appreciated what a hard worker and hustler I was, and did not want to lose me. ( I also do not whine..and that is important.) I thanked them sincerely, but my reasons for wanting the move was for a chance at a personal life beyond work. I told them I loved them all, they were great to work with, and I meant it. I would not be doing nearly so well without the guidance and training and friendship that they all share with me.

So..I guess the career moves I have made are paying off, increasing my drive to succeed and have fun doing it, it shows in my work. I am not afraid to open my mouth if I think there is a problem, they know that about me as well, and it has not hurt me so far as I remain diplomatic and not too pushy.

Oh..a side note.. Face Book..our focus today was about saying the wrong things there..corporate is watching..( just like Geico and the web site that was used to complain about work.) They said personal life notes are fine, but nothing negative about work. Hmmm..the only thing I post on face book as of late are war messages.." I need able bodied killers in my War!"....LOL. I wonder if that is ever mistaken for me being blood thirsty! I am after all "A Killer Kat." Hey..ya gotta have fun somewhere when you work all night and sleep all day.

Hugs..

k

P.J. Time and a closing note

Yup, another fine Saturday night/Sunday morning has reached completion, and the ol' pajamas feel pretty good. I really am enjoying this job and all it's myriad challenges. The snow slowed us a bit but they'll all be back tomorrow, lol. Not much more to add about my day at work, wishing everyone else a good day while I sleep.

I had to answer a comment that I received before work and left till now because I wanted to work with a clear head and a smile. I suspected that reading it would stay with me a while. It very likely will, but I will abide by the wishes that were expressed. The only reason I mentioned you here right now was for an explanation of why you were brought up in the first place, in response to someone else's comment about our relationship that was addressed to me. So in a sense, I am damned if I do answer, and damned if I don't. I chose to answer, if nothing else than to set my side straight.

**note this part is for r and baby ho-as she signed herself:

One small note..I did post a comment that I had decided to not put here, simply because it explained a 'why' to someone else, and not for the sender's satisfaction. As far as I am concerned it's still not there.

But really...you had to dig to find something to blast me with. It seems to be your primary weapon..that you were able to be a mother and I was not. That was something beyond my control and from my past, so I know who provided you the ammunition . It was Not something I did wrong, is was how God made me, something deeply painful that I fought for 17 years to achieve. Have you ever spent years crying each month because your period came again? Nothing I tried helped, except to completely destroy my uterus trying to get pregnant. So, Thanks ron, take your bow. You the man. Walk around and puff out your chest. And by the way...despite your efforts to hurt..I accepted the fact that it was not my destiny long ago.

As for not being a good mom when I had the opportunity with someone else..I did not think it was my place, and I did not feel my acting as one would have been welcome by either party at that time. I was the interloper, and I do remember the anger present at our first meeting. It was sort of like walking a wire, never being sure what my place should be. She was almost grown, not a child, and she was hurting, and wanted her independence badly. And yes, being confused about which role I was supposed to play did effect my relationship with that person. To her, and Not to either of you, I do express my sincere apologies and very much understand why she would prefer it to not go further. At her request this is the last time I will mention her in a blog.

So I was Reaching for straws? as you put it..so did you. Your soapbox can be found on another blog site. This one is mine. If another comment comes through from you it will be deleted, I really don't care if you get whiplash driving by to look. Neither of you deserve my respect. I have not posted on 'his' blog' in quite some time, and several weeks ago I stopped following it completely. He can resume bragging about how wonderful his 'new' life is...it will never change the way he went about getting it. And THAT is my issue, and will remain so.

k

~* I suggest you take some time to examine yourself before casting stones.

~* It is obvious that you do not understand what morality means. That is something you share, living by example...thinking that it is ok to have done what you both did, shows that you do not know, or do not care what your actions say about you or teach .

Wacky Winter Weather

In October...I cannot remember (other than Ohio near Erie) ever living anywhere when the first snow came so early. It's almost bizarre, surreal, but we are supposed to get anywhere from 4-10 inches of the wet cold stuff. I am appreciating that I live a short mile to work now. Driving down 51 was at times a nightmare, depending on which county did or did not feel like plowing.

In other news, my horoscope made me laugh for a bit...so very Not me.

Take a look inside your closet today, and count the items you never wear. Then see how many of those unwearable pieces of clothing were impulse purchases. And then keep all those closet-bound outfits in mind when you see something that you just 'have to have' at the mall. Think about all the money you'd have now if you had resisted spending it on trendy items that went out of style way too soon.

I gave the Good Will almost all of my clothes that had been accumulated over 12 years or longer.( when I had to move.) I have absolutely Nothing trendy in my closet.( and nothing stored anywhere else..just one small closet) I cannot afford to shop, and cannot remember the last time I bought clothes for myself at a mall...could have been around Michelle's wedding, but I think that's it. I don't like the newer styles, maybe old fartdom in action, but really they do not look good on me, classic styles do. And let's face it, they are charging more for things and using less material to make them..hold up an old t-shirt and a new one, you can see your hand through the new one. It will last at best a few months of wear..where as the old one keeps on ticking.

My last clothes purchase was at Good Will. I spent 6 dollars and bought one sweater and one shirt. Lol..and my manager tried to buy my $3 dollar shirt for $50,I would have sold it to her, but the shirt was too small across her shoulders.

Work was interesting but fast last night, short on the crew, so double duty as Podium and Control and Dual Rate Supervisor, and winding up on the Slot Pull from 430a-7a. Had a new report for me, Alleged Theft, and one cooperative walk out..boy he was really out there.

I am hoping I see more action tonight..I think I becoming addicted to it, because I enjoy it so much. Found my niche at last? I am not sure, but I hope so. It sure is nice to go to work looking forward to it. If the snow does not keep folks away it should be a good night. (that includes employees..sigh)

Catch ya later..

k

Simply...stay out

Umm..to whom it may concern. My life is my life. Starting a 'new life' or not, is my business. I do not dance to commands from others that have done nothing worthy of being included in it. My blog is also "My" blog. Unless I am spilling obscenities every other word or writing adult oriented fiction, the subject matter should Not make a difference to anyone else. It does not threaten or harm anyone, especially if they should wise up and not read it. Seriously, it is that simple.

If I chose to remain at times bitter, again my business. If I chose to vent..my business.

If I want to be sarcastic or silly it's my right. Freedom of Speech, including Freedom of the Press, look it up. It's quite easy to censure simply by not visiting any of my blogs.

If I wish to write truths that are uncomfortable to you because they paint a clear picture of what happened in my life..too..damn..bad. If you chose to blind yourself to what could be true simply because it might happen to you, ( and you don't want to know) then I refer back to the "not too bright" remark I made a long time ago. Selected to not ask questions, just defend..you clearly only see one side of the story that was 9 years in the making and no concept to what I feel or felt at all. Great you have love..sorry honey so did I.

And the whole motherhood thing you keep tossing around like it deserves some sort of award or sainthood? Get real. It does Not necessarily make You a nice person because you can give birth.

Human physiology..reproductive organs..an egg and sperm..that made you a mother. It does not make you better than someone who could not.

Stay out..it's simple enough that you should understand.

In the Air

Change is in the air. Just what it will be I'll have to wait and find out. I had my review last night, commendable all around. ( I am anal enough to want outstanding though, lol-just like those A's in school.) But it is better than satisfactory. Time will tell. Should find out in the next couple of days. I am happy being a Dual Rate supervisor, and have no idea if they plan on moving me to full time supervisor or not, I have not been privy to their plans for me, nor do I want to presume knowledge I do not yet have. I was told by one other DR that they had plans to make him Management...really not sure how that would be, since the day he told me that he was 2.5 hours late for work.

Very Interesting. (but stupid! lol..as Artie would say..Laugh In days. Again, if you don't get it, you are not old enough...yet.)

I have no giant ambitious plans. I just want a job with challenges that makes me happy and pays my bills. So far I have been enjoying the position a great deal. Would I like being a full time supervisor? Probably, but it is a salary position, and they have yet to fix the imbalance; that is the fact that a DR working hourly makes better money than a supervisor on salary. I have suggested several time that they try to work on that. It's hard to move UP when your salary would actually move DOWN.

That's all that is on my mind today. Hugs and a good day to all.

kel

Happy Halloween!!

My weekend is over, and work is just hours away now. I shall be off to greet the scary little monsters that come to my door this year, but I hesitate to say just how awake I will be. Getting off work at 7am and then trying to stay up for the little ones will be a challenge. I enjoy it though, and the past several years I have been stuck at work and have missed sharing their spooky little selves. I won't hang out and wait for the older kids, because I do believe that the holiday ( as we have made it to be in America) is for younger children, the Trick -or-Treating part that is. I have been incredulous in the past at my own nieces going out and trick-or-treating at the ripe age of 18. My mother cut me off at 12, and I became an escort for my younger brothers.

While I lived in Maryland I would frequently walk my young (at the time) nieces around the blocks, down dark dirt roads, and tall menacing trees. Drive them? Hell No. Part of the fun is the walking, and seeing how other folks decorated. And when you are tired, you go home. The sugar rush to follow needs exercise before hand. Plus how can you be properly scared and and excited if someone is your chauffeur? The best Halloween nights are colder, windy, and very dark. Get your kids out of the car and let them properly celebrate.

I am sharing here, and I have already shared on Facebook, my Halloween video made 3 years ago. Please feel free to watch it and get into the 'spirit' of the holiday. (and please disregard the dedication, I cannot go back and edit that out unfortunately, the actual movie edit is no longer on my computer. So yeah..not dedicating to a past love.)

I can bet my weekend will be filled with Adults celebrating without candy and with alcohol...should be interesting. I have always wanted to walk a vampire or witch out for bad behavior, hahaha!

Frightfully Yours,

k

Video link below:

http://youtu.be/RZboUOumXuQ

A Little Fall...

Not much happening or going to happen this my weekend off. The usual chores, plus some light Fall housecleaning. I usually try to tackle something before it becomes an issue with me, so there is not too much to do. I've reserved a couple of movies, which I will watch on my lonesome, one I have waited awhile to come to redbox, which the rest of the world has already seen.

My sleep schedule is of course all messed up as per my typical grave shift on and days off mode. Slept from 2pm till 1230 am. I will try to stay up as long as my eyelids can stay open today.

Shopping and all planned for morning attack, lol. And perhaps baking up some Pumpkin bread to share with my co-workers. Desserts kept at home usually go to waste, I rarely have them more than twice, and usually only once. Wasteful..'tsk..tsk'. ..the response of my cravings typically end up in the garbage can. ( but at least not on my ass..hah-hah!)

Wishing the rest you a good work week ..

k

Totally Digging It!

Ok, I know that title pretty much gives away my generation, lol..but it is the truth. I am really getting a fun kick out of being a Dual Rate Supervisor...my supervisor days are currently weekend days, when just about everything is happening. From intoxicated patrons, to medicals, and suspicious objects, busy work..and damnit..for the first time ever, FUN work! ( gee- that only took a little over 30 years to find, lol!)

I barely get a break during my shifts, but since I am not standing around being bored it is easily overlooked. (the 'tops' of my feet are sore tonight with the amount of walking I did.) I had 2 reports and 4 walk outs for intoxication, plus other duties: ID issues, Responsible Gaming, etc. When I worked for Geico I was in a call center that took accident reports and miscellaneous calls about claims. It was interesting, but you were Not there with the customer, plus management had No sense of humor, at all. I laughed so hard tonight, with my co-workers, other sups and managers, that it made other work seem like..well..work! Everyone does their part, and all of us are running all night, but I am digging the mental challenge as well as the physical aspect of the job. And working with the public face to face is very different from phone calls.

We are not always the bad guys, we assist patrons who need help as well. Tonight after finishing a walk out I passed a Hispanic couple with something obviously wrong, she was crying and he looked lost. My Spanish is next to nil, but I fortunately found another patron leaving who helped translate for me...they had been looking for their car for 3 hours. I had mobile come around to drive them, but in the process the male slipped away looking on foot, and the female knew no English at all. Finally...we met up at the front entrance and I got to use a new phone app, a translator that I had downloaded. I told her to call him, she understood, then I advised him what was going to happen after they got into the vehicle to find their car. After over an hour of looking they found their truck. This sort of thing happens quite often. People are so excited about getting to the casino that they pay No attention to where they parked, or what they saw when they first got there.

All in all, I am a happy camper with this new position. I was made to write reports, accuracy and speed and I am finished. It's the little details that pertain to the different kinds of reports that I have to learn still. I wish I could do the Dual rate more frequently than 2 days a week, but I do not believe that is in their plans, budgets ya know. Becoming a full time supervisor I would lose the hourly pay and any overtime that I might get, but it is the next logical step.

Tomorrow is a guard day...sigh..my Friday, and standing post (other than the singing and dancing I mentioned in an earlier blog) is boring. But I will get through it..and wait for my next day in the blue.

Hugs to all,

kel

(hey Mel..the rest of my ass? ummm..on it's way out.)

Tonight's Thoughts

~Everyone gets older, it is a natural fact of life. There is no running from it, or fixing it. (though I have seen some truly horrible attempts from Hollywood people! Who wants to look like a warped cartoon??)

~When we lie to others we lie to ourselves. It is an endless sharp tooth in the butt reality.

~True friends and lovers would not use you as a means to an end. It is their steadfastness and unselfish sharing that makes them a treasure.

~ Faith will see you through terrible times, because it provides us with a hand of guidance. To know that this life is just a beginning, and death is the next step we can take without fear, is a gift. It is the living that would deny someone peace. We are left with anger and hurt that they were taken from us. If you believe in the after life, you know that they are someplace where pain is no more, and they await to hold you once again. I don't know why, but I have always been certain of this, even after losing a parent, 3 beloved grandparents, a brother, and friends. All were beautiful people, and yes the world is less without them here. But I don't doubt that they await me; it's a feeling that I carry in my soul that they are watching over me till my time comes as well. And I do wish that certainty for everyone I know, it will bring you peace as well.

~And finally the expression "excuses are like assholes, everybody has them and they all stink?" Is a true statement. There are always excuses that we can make to 'clear' ourselves from being wrong for the things we do. I've made them, and I know others that regularly do so. None of the excuses given can change a truth. So why make them? Because mistakenly we believe that the truth will damn us in someone else's eyes. Honesty can sometimes be hard work, but it does leave you clean in spirit and soul.

Have a good night, time to get ready for work.

k

This Year in a Nutshell

In about 14 days I will put another notch on the calender that has been my life so far.

To say that the day has it's share of memories would be an understatement. This year that is winding to a close had some of the highest peaks and the lowest of lows in my entire life, starting with? You guessed it, my last birthday. If you have followed this blog, or are friends/family, then you know what I am talking about, a marriage proposal followed by 2 months of the worst moments of my entire life after I was dumped by the proposer.

There have been other peaks, though none so high. I survived, which is also saying a great deal, because that pain was like no other, there is no comparison. (um-- yeah for me and the folks with stock in Kleenex.) I have my own place, the first in my adult life. I succeeded in a quest to move up at my work, and am thoroughly enjoying it. I still have plenty of challenges before me, and I take one step at a time to get through them.

I will likely not be celebrating, it is a work day, and we don't do birthdays at work, at least not with this job. Besides, I have no immediate family here, nor any friends up this way that would share a few moments with me on that day. I am not planning on celebrating at all mostly due to what memories the day has for me now. I might sell something and buy myself a small goody, but that will be the extent.( yes I said sell, lol- I have no money burning a hole in my pocket..I use that for laundry, lol.)

I am going to have my wish though, even if I am not blowing out candles. I guess sharing it would put the ol' curse on me of not having it come true, so I won't. But if you know me, you know what I would be wishing for. I certainly hope that it comes true. And in case you are wondering, I don't wish bad things for others, it's asking for a karma butt kick- something I really would rather pass on.

Hugs, and have a good one,

k

My Feline Friend

My muse.

My furry friend.

My Gilly Boy.

We have each other,

and right now that means a lot.

I know he misses having more in his life,

for that matter so do I.

We are both waiting for someday.

Until that time we keep each other

company.

He listens to my mutters, and I

listen to his requests...

more pets...outside?....food now!

And especially..where have YOU been??

Once in a while I hear a ghost..

a meow from my lost boys.

I swear I have heard Jasper once or twice,

but I know it is my imagination.

Or just my heart wanting his hugs again.

This has been the hardest part of letting go,

making myself stay away from them.

I feel sometimes like my children were

stolen from me.

( wait! ..I believe they were.)

And yes, I do cry for them.

Someday Gil and I will have a new home,

and he will have new brothers to hang with.

And hopefully a safe way to visit the outside.

Until then we shall share our small place,

and share a dream as well.

~K

My Perspective-Updated

This entire entry has been deleted by the author.

There may be some truth to the "reason" for his

betrayal, but I still feel in my heart that it is not the whole

reason, just part of it.

The escape was brought on by the little head, and the reasons

he gave were for someone who could not at that time deal with

horrible grief and guilt. Yes, I know that we are all human.

But I surely wish that running away had not been his answer,

or at the very least I had been given a chance.

Instead I became the cause, and I think that was unfair.

Why I was dealt such cruel coldness and deleted from his life with

razor sharpness?

Because he was hurting and I was the closest target?

That he was afraid that I might actually be able to help him?

And in doing so prevent his 'running,'

that is what I think is closer to the truth.

That will forever remain something I did not deserve.

I had, and still have a huge capacity to love.

He never truly understood me, which is evident in the misjudgment of 'me'

that occurred throughout our time together.

Funny that he began the misjudging of me after 5 years had past-

up till that point he was very much in love and happy.

After 5 years?

Just in time for boredom to stink in, and after multiple

events of his looking for other women.

That was something I would not stand for and fought to keep him faithful.

Faith..there it is again..I fought for love and he gave up on it.

It could be that the misjudgment was on purpose, for it was a building ground that

allowed a reason for someone new.

I sometimes wonder if he knows himself well at all.

Sigh...Whatever...It's over now.

Someone else's turn to fight that fight.

And despite "proclamations" of his new love,

I do believe this will happen again... eventually.

Karma will have it's day.

For me? Those days are gone, I've paid

whatever dues I owed.

And I am finished with all this wondering why.

For it is well past the time when I should have let it go.

For that I apologize, something in me demanded the truth.

Something I know now he will not even admit to himself.

He is in My Past, and not my future.

k